Things I wish I would have known before I got into a relationship so that I could be fully ready.
Number 20.
Learn how to ask really good questions.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard,
Especially with my single women friends who are on the dating apps.
They say all they did was talk about themselves.
They didn't ask me a single question about myself.
So if that's you out there making all the dates feel like a narcissistic sales presentation,
Then.
.
.
It's time to understand what real intimacy means.
Intimacy or I like to say it like this into me see means exactly that.
Intimacy is the experience of being deeply known.
Emotionally met.
And safely connected with another person.
It grows when your people can reveal what's happening beneath their roles,
Routines,
Defenses,
And habitual conversations.
The small talk that can by default occupy a space until you invite some depth into it.
Many couples confuse intimacy with proximity.
They may share a home,
A bed,
Responsibilities,
Kids,
Whatever,
And years of history while rarely entering into each other's inner world.
Intimacy requires more than just spending time together.
It requires intentional attention.
Curiosity,
Honesty,
And the willingness to be affected deeply felt since experience affected.
By what the other person shares.
If you can't ask questions that promote learning about someone,
Expressing care for their experience,
And connecting empathetically to their lived experience,
Their interiority,
Then your relationship is doomed,
Frankly.
Intimacy isn't an option with love.
It's essential and it's a skill that you can improve.
One way is to imagine you're going to interview this person for your imaginary podcast,
Let's say,
About living an epic life.
Write down questions that you would ask them about their life and their legacy.
A good question communicates the essence of,
You're not completely known to me and I still want to discover you anew.
Keeping this dialogue as an ongoing thing between you matters because people are always changing,
But we don't often update our beliefs or our assumptions about a person after we've established them.
Your partner's fears,
Hopes,
Needs,
Interpretations,
And dreams They're not fixed.
They're flexible.
They change.
So when we assume we already know what they think,
Feel,
We stop relating to the living person in front of us and we begin relating to our mental image of them,
Our concept.
So good questions improve intimacy in several ways.
They interrupt assumptions,
Like when we're in conflict,
We often believe.
We know why the other person acted the way they did.
Good questions melt that certainty into curiosity.
And that shift alone can reduce defensiveness and reactivity.
And there's this big love bonus,
If you will,
That we usually don't think about when we're considering our acts of kindness through asking good questions.
These questions help people discover themselves.
And you,
You get to be the special person who catalyzed that personal exploration process with them.
Because we don't always understand our own emotions immediately,
Do we?
Sometimes we need to work it out to work it through.
A thoughtful question can help someone move from a habit into deeper awareness.
They communicate emotional importance.
They show you're invested in their emotional reality.
They help you generate genuine care about the interiority of the other.
When you ask sincere follow-up questions,
You're saying that your partner's experience deserves time and attention.
This can be especially healing for someone who grew up feeling ignored,
Dismissed,
Interrupted,
Or misunderstood.
And a partner often feels love not because we solved their problem,
But because we stayed interested long enough for them to feel truly heard.
Singing.
Understood.
Good questions make vulnerability safer.
By inviting it,
Gently,
Through your tender care,
In how you respond to their truth.
Their vulnerability.
So if this connected for you,
Do some relationship yoga with someone.
Getting comfortable asking these insightful questions and getting vulnerable to the answers.
Observe what gets revealed in you as the asker and then the one being asked to answer.
It's very helpful stuff.
To continue this conversation,
Search for my video course,
The Art of Love,
How to Create Spiritual Partnerships.
On Insight Timer.
