Things I wish I would have known before getting into a relationship so I could be ready.
Number 19.
Live Don Miguel Ruiz's Five Agreements.
Have you ever struggled with taking things personally or making assumptions in a relationship?
I have too.
Don Miguel Ruiz's five agreements offer a powerful framework for creating healthier,
More conscious relationships.
By helping you make agreements that keep you both honest and mindful.
The first agreement is to be impeccable with your word.
In relationships,
Words create the emotional environment we live inside.
Being impeccable doesn't mean avoiding difficult conversations.
It means telling the truth without using your pain as a weapon.
Against the other.
So instead of saying something like.
.
.
You never care about me,
" you might say.
When that happened,
I felt unimportant,
And I would like more presence from you.
The second agreement is don't take anything personally.
Your partner's reactions are shaped by their history,
Fears,
Expectations,
And emotional state or state of consciousness.
Their feelings may contain important information.
But they're not an objective definition of who you are or what reality is.
So you can listen to your partner's pain without turning it into proof that they're unlovable,
Inadequate,
Or irrational,
Or a drama king or queen.
Or that it's entirely their fault.
The third agreement is don't make assumptions.
Relationships suffer when we react to stories our mind makes up as though they are facts about reality.
We tell ourselves an interpretation and we believe that's what actually happened.
For example,
Your partner becomes quiet and you assume that they're angry or.
.
.
That they want space,
And you assume that they're rejecting you.
They forget something and you assume that they do not care.
Instead of trying to mind read.
Which is usually entirely inaccurate.
Instead,
Practice curiosity.
Ask questions,
But own your own analysis.
A question like,
You seem distant,
What's happening for you?
Rather than,
You're distant,
What's wrong with you?
See,
Curiosity creates connection,
And assumptions can create conflict,
Because they may not be true for that person.
We're assuming it's true.
And it makes an ass out of you and me,
Right?
Okay,
The fourth agreement.
Always do your best.
Your best will change from day to day,
Of course.
It will look different when you're at peace than when you're tired,
Hungry,
Lonely,
Frightened,
Or overwhelmed,
Right?
So this agreement is about making sincere effort,
Being noble,
Being mindful,
To truly give 100% of whatever we can give.
In that moment.
Did we try to understand with our best attention rather than being distracted,
For example,
Or pretend like we're really listening when we're tuning into something else?
Did we take responsibility as a best effort or did we slip into unconscious patterns when it really mattered?
Did we return and repair after becoming reactive,
Or did we let it foster contempt?
Those are examples of doing our best.
Because healthy relationships are created by people who keep returning to love and attending with their best effort.
The fifth agreement is,
Be skeptical,
But learn to listen.
Don't automatically believe every fearful story that your mind creates.
That'll drive you crazy.
When our mind says something like,
They don't love me,
Pause and ask yourself,
Do I absolutely know that to be true?
Or am I just believing that?
Be honest with yourself,
And then make the choice to investigate and listen deeply to your partner's truth.
Be open to their truth,
Rather than projecting your own onto them.
So you don't have to agree with their interpretation to understand their experience to get their truth.
Together,
The five agreements teach us to speak without attacking,
Listen without collapsing,
Question our assumptions,
Take responsibility for our growth,
And remain curious about the person in front of us.
Make these agreements.
Informal with your partner or your spiritual partner like you would with a vow.
Make them living agreements and do your best to hold yourself accountable to them daily.
These agreements won't eliminate conflict completely,
Of course,
But they will help you prevent conflict from becoming contempt.
Blame,
And story warfare.
Because conscious love.
Is the practice of being mindful to our triggers.
Conscious love asks us to understand our triggers and our stories,
Our creations,
And take responsibility with them.
And create trustworthy agreements that can help each other walk through processing our stuff within a safe container.
Of an ever increasing embrace.
To continue this conversation,
Search for my video course,
The Art of Love,
How to Create Spiritual Partnerships,
On Insight Timer.
