If you are in a period of your life that feels like everything is falling apart.
Like the identity you've built,
The certainty you relied on,
The version of yourself you've inhabited for years,
Is somehow dissolving from the inside out.
And if that dissolution feels frightening rather than liberating,
This video is for you.
Not to minimize how hard this is,
But to show you what is actually happening.
Because what looks like collapsing from the inside is almost always something far more significant than lost.
If you're like me,
You've probably viewed Spiritual Awakening through rose-colored glasses at some point.
We hear words like expansion,
Freedom,
Higher consciousness,
And coming home to yourself.
We hear descriptions of the world becoming more vivid,
More meaningful,
More alive.
Of a profound and peaceful sense of connection to something larger than yourself.
And they can all sound so beautiful.
But there's another side to awakening that we don't talk about nearly enough.
For most people,
For most of the journey,
Spiritual awakening feels nothing like that.
Because awakening doesn't always feel so beautiful.
Sometimes it feels like everything you thought you knew about yourself is being stripped away.
It feels like loss.
Like confusion.
Like the ground disappearing from under your feet.
Like the personality and the certainties and the ways of making sense of the world that you've relied on for years are somehow becoming unavailable to you.
Not replaced by something better yet.
Just thought.
Leaving you in a strange,
Disorienting,
Sometimes frightening,
In-between that nobody prepared you for.
It feels very often like falling apart.
And the question I want to answer today,
As specifically and as honestly as I can,
Is why?
Why does the process that's supposed to be about expansion and growth and becoming more fully yourself feel so much like the opposite?
What is actually happening in those periods of spiritual dissolution?
And how do you move through them without either pathologizing what is actually a profound transformation or spiritually bypassing the very real difficulty of what you're experiencing.
Let's start with what Spiritual Awakening actually is.
Because I think we use the term in ways that can make itself either incredibly profound or incredibly vague.
Anita really helps us understand what awakening actually means.
Spiritual awakening at its most fundamental is a shift in the level of consciousness at which you identify yourself,
Your life,
And the world around you.
Most of us,
For most of our lives,
Are identified with the identity we've built for ourselves.
The personality,
The story,
The beliefs,
The experiences we've accumulated over the years.
All the ideas we've developed about who we are,
What we're worth,
What the world is like,
And where we fit into it.
And that identity isn't fake.
It's real.
It's a part of us.
In many ways,
It has helped us navigate life.
It was shaped by everything we experienced and learned.
And it makes sense for us at the different stages of our lives.
But here's the thing.
The identity we've built is just that,
Something we've built.
It's made up of beliefs,
Stories,
Patterns,
And ways of seeing ourselves that were shaped by specific experiences and circumstances.
And as we grow,
As our awareness expands,
Sometimes that identity starts to feel like it no longer fits.
Almost like you've outgrown a version of yourself.
The things that you used to believe about yourself don't quite feel true anymore.
The roles you used to identify with don't feel as important.
The way you used to see the world starts to shift.
And this is where I think spiritual awakening can become incredibly uncomfortable.
Because awakening isn't just about becoming more aware.
Sometimes,
It's about what happens to the identity you've been living through as that awareness expands.
The version of you that you've known yourself to be begins to loosen.
The beliefs of,
This is who I am.
This is what I deserve.
This is how my life works.
This is what I need to be happy.
Start to be questioned.
And when those things begin to fall away,
You can feel like you're losing yourself.
Even though in many ways you're actually coming closer to yourself.
And that's the part I don't think we talk about enough.
Because the identity you are outgrowing wasn't necessarily bad.
It was the version of you that got you here.
It was how you learn to survive,
How you learn to belong,
How you make sense of your experiences.
How you created a sense of safety and certainty in the world.
So when that identity starts to dissolve,
It can feel like loss before it feels like freedom.
Because even if you've outgrown a version of yourself,
You've still lived there for a very long time.
Letting go of something that has felt like home,
Even when you're growing into something bigger,
Can be incredibly painful.
Now,
Let me walk you through what can actually happen as you move through an awakened state.
Not as a step-by-step process because awakening doesn't really work that way.
You may move forward,
Circle back,
Revisit an old stage,
Or experience several of these things at the same time.
Think of this more as a way to understand the stages and maybe recognize a little bit of where you are right now.
The first stage is what I would call the cracking.
Something happened.
Sometimes it's a major life event.
Sometimes it's a series of things that slowly build up over time.
But something creates a crack.
In the way you've always understood yourself and your life.
It could be a loss.
We can't make sense of it.
A truth you can no longer unsee.
A question that suddenly comes up and refuses to go away.
Or it could be an experience that makes you realize there may be more to life.
And to you.
Than the identity you've been living through.
Sometimes the cracking happens all at once.
And sometimes it's much more gradual.
You start noticing little things that don't feel right anymore.
The life that once made sense doesn't quite make sense anymore.
The things you used to want don't feel as important.
The version of yourself you've been so comfortable being.
Starts to feel unfamiliar.
It's almost like there's a growing gap between who you've been and something inside you that is trying to emerge.
And eventually,
The old way of seeing yourself just can't hold everything you're beginning to see.
That's the cracking.
Despite everything we hear about spiritual awakening being this beautiful expansion of consciousness.
The beginning often feels nothing like expansion.
It can feel like disruption.
Like something that used to work suddenly doesn't.
Like the map you've relied on for years suddenly doesn't match the territory you're standing in.
And that can be incredibly unsettling because you haven't necessarily found a new map yet.
You just know the old one isn't working anymore.
The second stage is what I would call the dissolution.
And this is often the hardest part to explain.
Because from the outside,
It can look a lot like something is wrong.
You may lose interest in things that used to matter to you.
You may question your relationships,
Your work,
Your goals,
Even your sense of who you are.
The things that used to give you direction don't seem to work anymore.
And sometimes you don't even recognize yourself.
It's almost like you're still here,
But the version of you that you knew how to be has become harder and harder to access.
You might find yourself thinking.
Why do I want the things I used to want?
Why can't I seem to make myself do the things I used to do?
What happened to me?
And there can be a tremendous amount of grief in that.
Because even when you know.
Somewhere inside that you're changing.
You are still losing something familiar.
This can also be the stage where you begin to pull inward.
You may have less desire to socialize,
Less interest in performing the version of yourself you've always been.
A stronger need for solitude.
It can feel a little bit like being in a cocoon.
Not because you're doing something wrong,
But because you're no longer able to keep living exactly the way you were before.
And you haven't yet figured out what comes next.
And that can be frightening when you're used to being a certain way.
Now I want to be really,
Really careful with this part.
And I want to say this slowly.
Because not every period of withdrawal,
Loss of motivation,
Or emotional pain is a spiritual awakening.
Depression is real.
Mental health struggles are real.
And if you're experiencing symptoms that are significantly affecting your ability to function or your safety,
Please seek appropriate professional support,
Okay?
But what I'm talking about here is something a little different.
There can be a particular quality to spiritual dissolution.
Where underneath all the uncertainty,
There is still a sense that something is shifting.
You may not know what you're becoming.
You may not even know if you're becoming anything at all.
But somewhere underneath the confusion,
There can be a strange sense of aliveness.
A sensitivity you didn't have before,
A deeper awareness of yourself.
Moments where beauty hits you differently.
Moments where something feels incredibly meaningful,
Even though you can't quite explain why.
It's almost as if the old version of you is becoming quieter.
While something deeper is beginning to make itself known.
And that's why I don't think this solution is simply about falling apart.
It's about the old way of being,
No longer being able to hold everything that's happening inside you.
But here's the difficult part.
You usually don't know that while you're going through it.
You just know that the person you used to be doesn't seem to fit anymore.
And you haven't met the person you're becoming yet.
So you're somewhere in between.
And that in between.
Can feel incredibly lonely.
But sometimes that's exactly where the deepest transformation is taking place.
Now the third stage is what many spiritual traditions call the Dark Night of the Soul.
And I want to pause here.
Because I don't think this is just another stage of feeling uncomfortable or uncertain.
This can be the deepest part of the dissolution.
The old version of you has largely fallen away.
But the new version hasn't fully emerged yet.
You're somewhere in between.
You're not quite who you were anymore.
But you don't know yet who you're becoming.
And that in between can be incredibly disorienting because you don't have the same reference points anymore.
The beliefs you used to rely on may not feel true.
The identity you built your life around may no longer fit.
Even the things you used to use to make yourself feel safe.
Or certain.
May not work the way they used to.
And this is often where the mind fights the hardest to hold on.
Because even if a part of you knows that something needs to change,
Another part of you is going to do everything it can to get back to what's familiar.
That's why you may hear people talk about ego death in the context of spiritual awakening.
But I don't think ego death means that you stop having an ego.
Or that you somehow stop being yourself.
To me,
It's more about loosening your identification with a version of yourself you've always believed you had to be.
The part that says.
This is who I am.
This is what I'm worth.
This is what I mean.
This is how my life is supposed to look.
When those beliefs begin to loosen.
Can feel terrified because if you aren't those things anymore Then who are you?
And that's where something really interesting can begin to happen.
You begin to realize that there is a difference between who you are and the identity you've created around who you are.
The personality is still there.
Your memories are still there.
Your preferences,
Your relationships,
Your quirks,
Your sense of humor,
All of it can still be there.
But you no longer feel quite as defined by it.
You can start to observe yourself instead of constantly defining yourself through the story of who you think you are.
And for many people,
This is where a deeper sense of self begins to emerge.
Not necessarily a new personality.
Not a perfect enlightened version of you.
Something much quieter than that,
A sense that maybe you don't have to constantly figure out who you are.
Maybe you can simply.
.
.
And when you've spent your entire life trying to define yourself,
Protect yourself,
Prove yourself,
Or become someone you're supposed to be,
That realization can feel both incredibly freeing and incredibly unsettled.
Because the old identity is disappearing,
But the new way of being hasn't fully become familiar yet.
You're in the space between the two,
And that space can feel like darkness.
But darkness doesn't necessarily mean that nothing is happening.
Sometimes you simply can't see what is taking shape yet.
And then there's the fourth stage.
Integration.
Although just like everything else we've talked about,
It doesn't necessarily arrive neatly after the others.
You may experience moments of integration in the middle of the cracking.
You may move back into the solution.
You may feel like you've finally found yourself again.
Only to realize there's another layer that needs to be released.
Awakening.
Isn't a straight line.
But over time,
Something begins to change.
You start relating to yourself differently.
You begin to build a relationship with yourself that isn't based entirely on the identity you've carried for most of your life.
And this isn't about replacing the OU with some brand new spiritually evolved version of yourself.
It's actually much more subtle than that.
The personality is still there.
Your story is still there.
Your human experiences,
Your preferences,
Your relationships,
They're all still part of you.
But they're no longer the entire definition of who you are.
There's more space around them.
More awareness,
More freedom to choose rather than automatically react.
You can hold the different parts of yourself without needing every part of you to fit into a single definition.
And perhaps most importantly,
You begin to realize that you don't have to become someone completely different to be whole.
You just have to stop abandoning the parts of yourself that were never given permission to exist.
That to me is what integration starts to look like.
Not becoming less human,
But becoming more fully human.
Yourself.
Now I want to talk about the reframe that I think is most important for anyone in the middle of this process.
Because when you are in the middle of an awakening,
It's very easy to look at everything that's falling apart and think,
Something has gone terribly wrong.
I've lost myself.
I need to get back to who I was.
But what if the falling apart isn't the opposite of becoming?
What if it's part of the becoming?
The identity you're losing isn't necessarily being taken from you.
It may simply be an identity that you've outgrown.
The ways you've learned to protect yourself,
The beliefs you've built around your words.
The roles you've taken on,
The version of yourself you created to survive.
To bin Laden.
To be loved.
To feel safe.
They may have served you.
They may have even been necessary.
But that doesn't mean you have to carry them forever.
And this is the reframe I want you to consider.
The dissolution isn't just something you have to survive before the transformation begins.
In many ways that the solution is.
Part of the transformation.
The falling apart is creating space.
The questioning is creating awareness.
The uncertainty is loosening your attachment to the things you once thought you had to be.
And I don't say that to make the experience sound beautiful.
I'm not asking you to romanticize your pain.
And I'm certainly not suggesting that every painful experience has some spiritual purpose.
I'm saying that when you recognize that an identity is changing,
You may be able to meet that change differently.
Not with less pain.
The pain is real and it deserves to be honored.
But perhaps with less terror,
With less frantic grasping to restore what's already changing.
With less desperation to rebuild the exact structure that you're beginning to realize no longer fits.
Because sometimes the most painful part isn't the change itself.
It's our fight against the change.
And when you can begin to loosen that fight,
Even just a little bit,
You create more space to listen,
To notice,
To feel,
To discover what is actually emerging underneath everything you thought you had to be.
So if you're in the middle of this right now.
I want to say something to you.
If you're disoriented.
If you don't know who you are in the way you used to.
You don't necessarily need to rush to figure yourself out.
You may simply be in a period where the old definition of you is no longer enough.
If you've lost access to the certainties that used to organize your life.
The beliefs,
The knowing,
The reliable sense of who you were and what you stood for.
It doesn't necessarily mean you've lost yourself.
There may simply be more space now than you're used to having.
And if you feel like you're grieving a version of yourself without being able to fully articulate what you're grieving,
Honor that grief anyway.
Something may genuinely be ending.
And endings deserve to be grieved.
Even when they're also making room for something new.
And if,
Underneath all of it,
You feel a strange and quiet aliveness,
A sense that something is happening in you that is significant in ways you can't yet fully articulate,
Pay attention to that too.
You don't have to understand it.
You don't have to name it.
You don't have to even know exactly where it's taking you.
Sometimes you just have to stay present enough.
To notice what's changing.
Because you may not be falling apart in the way you think you are.
You may be falling open.
And sometimes you can't see what's taking shape until you've stopped trying so hard to recreate what was.
Before you go,
I want to leave you with one thing to hold during whatever stage of this you're in.
Whatever is changing right now.
Whatever certainty,
Whatever identity,
Whatever version of yourself is becoming unavailable.
You don't have to immediately replace it.
Give yourself permission to be in the in-between.
To grieve what is ending.
To question what no longer feels true,
To be curious about what is beginning to emerge.
You don't have to have the new version of yourself figured out yet.
You don't have to know where this is all going.
Sometimes the most important thing you can do is simply trust yourself enough to let the old version of you loosen its grip.
And trust The Falling Open.
Now,
Go be yourself.
