by Rachel Hsu
What does surrender really mean, and how is it different from giving up? In this video, I explore how resisting what has already happened can keep us stuck, why acceptance doesn't mean approval, and how we can stop fighting reality while still taking action to change our lives.
Meet your Teacher
Atlanta, GA, USA
Transcript
Have you ever noticed how much energy you can spend thinking about something that has already happened? Maybe you keep replaying a conversation, Wondering what you could have said differently. Maybe something didn't work out the way you wanted. And you keep asking yourself. Why it happened or what you could have done to prevent it. Or maybe someone made a decision that affected your life. And even though you know you can't change their decision, Part of you is still struggling to accept it. I've noticed that sometimes what makes a difficult experience even harder is not just the experience itself. It's how much time and energy we spend wishing it weren't happening or wishing things had turned out differently. So in this video, I want to talk about an idea that I think many people have gotten almost completely wrong. But it can help us navigate these experiences differently. And that is the idea of surrender. Now I know surrender isn't necessarily a word everyone feels comfortable with. When we hear it, We might think it means giving up, White flag, Or simply letting life happen without doing anything about it. And if we look at surrender in its most literal sense, Yes, It can mean giving up or yielding to something. But in the context of personal transformation and spiritual growth, Surrender has a completely different meaning. Surrender is about accepting what is happening without continuing to fight the fact. That is happening. And there's an important distinction here because acceptance doesn't mean you stop taking action or trying to change your circumstances. Let me explain what I mean. When something happens that we don't want. There are often two things going on. There is the situation itself. Maybe a relationship has ended. Maybe you've lost your job. Maybe you've received news you weren't prepared for. Maybe something you worked really hard for didn't turn out the way you expected. And then there's a response to that situation. We might feel sad, Disappointed, Angry, Or confused. We might need time to process what happened. We might need to grieve what we've lost. All of that is completely understandable. But sometimes, On top of those feelings, We also start arguing with the reality of the situation. We might think, Oh, This shouldn't have happened. Why did this happen to me? This isn't how things were supposed to turn out. Or if only I had done or said something differently. And we keep going over the same thought. Hoping that somehow we can find a different answer or make the situation feels less real. The problem is that no matter how much we argue with what has already happened, We can't change the fact that it happened. We can learn from it. We can make different decisions moving forward. We can take action to change our circumstances. But we can't go back and make the past different. And when we keep trying to do that mentally, We end up spending a lot of our energy on something we have no control over. And that's the part I want us to pay attention to. Because there's a difference between wanting a situation to change and refusing to accept that this is the situation you are in right now. We can want things to be different. While still acknowledging where you are. You can be unhappy about a situation and still accept that it's happening. You can even be angry about what happened and still recognize that you can't undo it. Those things aren't mutually exclusive. And I think this is where we sometimes misunderstand acceptance. We assume that if we accept something, We're saying it's okay. Or that we're giving up on the possibility of things getting better. Or that we're arguing with what someone else did. But acceptance doesn't mean any of those things. It simply means acknowledging reality as it is, Rather than continuing to argue with reality as we wish it were. For example, Let's say someone ends a relationship with you. You might not agree with their decision. You might feel hurt by how they handled it. You might believe the relationship could have worked if things had been different. And you can feel all of those things. But if the other person has made their decision. Continuing to wish they hadn't made it. Doesn't change that decision. You can still communicate with them if that's appropriate. You can still express how you feel. You can still decide whether there's a possibility of working things out. But at some point, You also have to acknowledge what's actually happening. So you can decide what you want to do next. That's what I mean by surrender. Not giving up a lot. Not pretending that you aren't hurt, Not deciding that the other person was right. Simply accepting that this is where things stand right now. And from there, You can make a decision about how you want to move forward. I think that's an important distinction because surrender can actually give us more options, Not fewer. When we're caught up in resisting a situation, Our attention tends to stay focused on what we wish had happened. We keep looking backwards. Trying to find a way to change something that is no longer within our control. But when we acknowledge what has happened. We can start directing our attention toward what we can actually do. Maybe we need to have a conversation. Maybe we need to set a boundary. Maybe we need to make a different plan. Maybe we need to let go of an expectation we had about how our lives were supposed to unfold. Or maybe we simply need to give ourselves time to feel what we're feeling. Before making any decision. Whatever it is, We have a much better chance of recognizing our options when we're no longer spending all our energy wishing the situation were different. And this applies to more than relationships. Think about losing a job, For example. You might be disappointed, Especially if you worked so hard and thought you were doing well. You might feel angry about the way things unfolded. Or worried about what comes next. And you don't have to pretend those feelings aren't there. But you can also acknowledge that the job has ended and begin considering your next step. You can update your resume, Explore other opportunities, Reconsider what you want from your career, Or give yourself some time to figure things out. You don't have to like what happened to start responding to it. And you don't have to agree with every circumstance in your life to accept that it's where you are right now. This is something I think is worth remembering. Acceptance. Is about acknowledging reality. Approving of it. And once we understand that, Surrender starts to look very different. It becomes less about giving up control over our lives and more about recognizing where we actually belong. We can't always control what happens to us. We can't control every decision other people make. We can't always get the outcome we want. No matter how hard we try. But we can choose how we respond to what happens. And sometimes the first step in choosing our response is to stop arguing with the situation itself. And once you've acknowledged and accepted the reality of a situation, You can then decide what to do from there. I'm not suggesting that accepting something means you have to live with it as it is. It simply means you're no longer spending your energy fighting the fact that it's happening. From that place, You can look at your options more clearly and take action to change what you can. If you're in a situation that's harmful to you. Acceptance doesn't mean staying there. If something isn't working, You can absolutely try to change it. If you have a goal, You can still work toward it. If you want something to be different, You can take steps to make that happen. Surrender doesn't mean you stop doing something about it. It means you acknowledge where you are while deciding what you want to do from there. You can accept your current circumstances and still work toward a different future. In fact, I think acknowledging your current circumstances is an important part of making meaningful changes. Because if you don't want to look at where you are, How can you decide what needs to change, Right? And if you're spending all your energy wishing things were different. How much energy do you have left to actually do something about them? This brings me to something else I've noticed. Sometimes we approach surrender. As if it's another way to get the outcome we want. We think, Okay, I'll let go. I'll stop resisting. I'll accept the situation. And then things will finally start working out, Right? But if we're doing all of that because we expect reality to reward us with a particular outcome, Guess what? We're still trying to control the situation. We're just approaching it differently. We're still sane. Okay, I'll accept this as long as it eventually gives me what I want. And that's not really accepted. That's still argument. Because we don't know what will happen next. We can do our best to make thoughtful decisions. We can take action toward our goals. We can stay open to different possibilities, But we can't guarantee the outcome. Sometimes accepting a situation helps us see an opportunity we hadn't considered. Sometimes, It helps us recognize that we need to make a change. And sometimes, It simply allows us to stop and think. Spending so much time fighting something we cannot change. We don't always get an immediate benefit from acceptance. And I think that's important because otherwise we can turn surrender into another strategy for getting what we want. Rather than allowing ourselves to acknowledge what is actually happening. So how do we practice this? I don't think surrender is about forcing ourselves to feel okay about something we're not okay with. And it's not about telling ourselves to move on before we're ready. Instead, I think we can start by noticing the difference between what we are experiencing and what we're telling ourselves about the experience. For example, There's a difference between saying, I'm disappointed that this didn't work out. Versus repeatedly telling ourselves. This shouldn't have happened. It was supposed to work out. Why did this happen? The first response acknowledges how we feel. The second can keep us caught up in trying to negotiate with an outcome that has already occurred. Of course, We might need to revisit an experience several times to understand. We might need to reflect on what happened and learn from it. That's not necessarily resistance. The question is whether we're gaining new understanding or simply repeating the same argument without getting anywhere. If you notice yourself going around in circles, You might want to pause and ask yourself. Am I trying to change something I can actually change? Or am I struggling to accept something that has already happened? There's no need to judge yourself for the answer. Just notice it. And if you realize that you're fighting something, You can't change. You can try acknowledging it. This happened. I didn't want it to happen. And I'm still figuring out how to move forward. You don't have to feel completely at peace with it right away. You don't have to know what comes next. You just have to be willing to acknowledge where you are. And then, When you're ready, You can ask yourself. Given that this is where I am right now. What do I want to do next? Maybe you have an answer. Maybe you don't. Either way, You've shifted the question from trying to change the past to considering what is possible in the present. And that is a much more useful place to begin. One last thing I want to mention is that acceptance isn't necessarily something we do once and then never struggle with again. You might accept a situation one day and find yourself feeling upset about it again the next day. You might think you've made peace with something, Only to find that a memory brings up the same feelings all over again. That doesn't mean you failed. It doesn't mean you haven't fully accepted what happened. Sometimes we need time to process an experience. And our feelings don't always follow the same timeline as our understanding. When those feelings come up again, We can acknowledge them without assuming we need to start the entire process again. We can remind ourselves that we don't have to like what happened in order to recognize that it happened. And we can keep making choices based on where we are now. For me, That's what makes surrender a practice. It's learning to recognize when we're spending our energy finding reality and choosing to bring our attention back. To what we can actually do something about. So if there's something in your life right now that you're struggling to accept. I want to leave you with a simple reflection. Think about that situation and ask yourself. What part of this can I actually change? What part do I need to acknowledge? Even if I don't like it. And given where I am right now, What is one thing I can do? To move forward. You don't have to answer all three questions immediately. Just give yourself a little space to consider them. Because surrender doesn't mean giving up on what you want or deciding that your circumstances can never change. It means recognizing that you don't have to keep fighting where you are in order to move toward where you want to be. And sometimes, When we stop arguing with reality, We can finally see the choices that we make. And we're there all along. Now, Go be yourself.
