Do you or someone you love tend to talk too much?
That's what I'm going to talk about today.
Three signs and solutions on how to deal with it.
But first,
My name is Michelle Ferris.
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist,
And I love helping people create relationships that work.
So first is people talk too much often because they miss the social cues.
This could be not paying attention to what the other person is,
How they're responding.
Social cues are something where you have to be paying attention to what feedback you're getting.
And some common signs that people might miss is if you notice that the person can no longer maintain eye contact or they're getting fidgety and look disinterested,
That's a telltale sign that you may need to take a pause and check in with who you're talking with.
But people who talk too much may not recognize those signs.
What I would have you do is to jump in and say,
Hey,
You know what,
Let's take turns.
I want to hear about you and then maybe you can hear about me.
And sometimes that can break the ice.
Some people who talk too much have social anxiety.
They don't know what to do in a social situation.
They don't have really good conversational skills.
So what they do is they rely on their own stories to kind of carry them through a social situation.
But the problem with that is,
Is that you end up dominating the conversation and you're not really having a back and forth conversation.
You're just talking.
That because they're really nervous.
So with these folks,
What I want you to do is take a breath and remember that their feelings are not your feelings.
And if they're anxious,
That doesn't mean you have to be anxious.
Now,
The third type of person that talks too much is the most challenging.
This is the person that tends to be more self-centered.
They may or may not have narcissistic traits.
Narcissistic traits are more about someone who tends to lack empathy,
Which means they don't really care much about what the other person feels and thinks,
They're more interested in themselves and getting their own needs met.
So they tend to dominate relationships,
They have a big energy,
And they don't have a lot of tolerance for other people's pain or other people's needs,
Okay?
That doesn't make them bad or wrong.
What's challenging is that with these folks,
What I would really recommend is reassess the relationship.
Because if I know that someone is naturally self-centered and they don't really have a tolerance for hearing about my stuff,
I'm going to have much lower expectations of them.
I'm not going to ask them to listen when I'm really upset.
Now,
This does get harder when it's your mate or a family member that you're living with.
So in those situations,
I really want to make sure you get outside support from other friends,
From therapists,
From people that can hear about you.
Because being in a relationship with somebody who tends to be more self-focused is natural.
Going to be more challenging.
Now let's talk about the three solutions.
The first one I want you to do is interject into the conversation.
If the person who's talking too much,
Just interject your own comment about what they're already saying.
Part of what you're going to need to do is you're going to need to interrupt them to do it.
And I know for me,
I had a hard time because I didn't want to interrupt somebody.
But with these folks,
You tend to have to.
You have to just jump in and say something and see if you can get your point across.
The next tool you can do is share a story.
Say,
Hey,
You know what?
Something really interesting happened to me or I'm really having this struggle and I really would like to tell you about it.
And just launch into it.
Don't wait for permission.
If the person is unaware socially or anxious or self-centered,
They may not know to ask,
How are you?
So you're just going to have to volunteer your own story.
The third solution you can do is bring it up as an issue.
You can say something like,
You know,
I noticed that when we get together,
We tend to talk a lot about you,
But not a lot about me,
And I would really like to change that.
That's a really kind way to bring them up to speed on what the issue is.
Now,
Here's the thing,
Though.
If you do that and they say,
Oh my gosh,
I didn't realize I was doing that.
Of course,
I want to hear from you.
That's a sign of health.
That's somebody that you're going to probably be able to go deeper in your relationship because they actually care and they want to change that pattern.
On the other hand,
The response is,
I don't know what you're talking about.
I think we're doing good,
Or I think you talk all the time.
And you know inherently,
Wow,
I really don't.
Then you know that you're probably dealing with that third example of the person who is more self-centered and tends not to be able to tolerate somebody else's needs.
Now again,
With that type of person,
You can bring it up as an issue,
But if they don't acknowledge it as an issue,
Even after bringing it up,
That's your invitation to reassess the relationship.
Mean you're going to end the relationship,
Especially if it's a husband or a family member,
But it is something to be aware of because if I'm going to hit my head against the wall,
Expecting them to be different,
I'm going to be super frustrated.
But if I know that,
You know what,
This one person doesn't really tolerate hearing my stuff,
I'm going to have much lower expectations of them.
I'm not going to get into a lot of hope that they're going to be different or if they love me,
They would be different because that doesn't work.
So those are my signs and solutions.
I really hope it's been helpful.
Bye.
