Opting For Guilt Over Resentment
In today’s session we contemplate the quote, ‘If refusal saddles you with guilt, while consent leaves resentment in its wake, opt for guilt...’ From Gabor Maté, a Canadian physician and author. This track is taken from my course, ‘Daily Contemplations For Living An Examined Life’, available now via my profile.
Transcript
Hello and welcome to the session.
I invite you to take a seat or lay down and get yourself comfortable.
You can close down the eyes if you wish and take a deep slow breath in through the nose and out through the mouth.
And just gently begin to open your mind to today's quote,
To contemplate the words with a free and open and supple mind,
To welcome in possibility and expansion and growth and to allow yourself for the next few minutes to just sit and be with whatever arises.
In a moment I'm going to share with you a quote to contemplate and then we'll just sit in silence for a minute and let it percolate.
Then we'll talk about that quote and just see where the discussion leads us.
Today's quote comes from the Canadian physician and author Gabor Marte and it goes,
If a refusal settles you with guilt while consent leaves resentment in its wake,
Opt for guilt.
Resentment is soul suicide.
If a refusal settles you with guilt while consent leaves resentment in its wake,
Opt for guilt.
Resentment is soul suicide.
So this quote speaks to a few different places that are perhaps worth addressing.
The idea of refusal and consenting implies,
Well,
Consent.
And you know,
In this space we're talking about a variety of different things to contemplate.
But here we're getting quite specific with day-to-day life,
Really with the nitty-gritty of interpersonal psychology,
Both between you and your family and your friends,
But with society in general as well.
And we find that a lot of the time we consent to things that we don't necessarily want to be doing.
But we consent because to refuse would be to laden us with guilt.
Should you attend that gathering despite not wanting to go?
Should you do that commitment despite it going against a deeper value?
Should you do the thing out of obligation?
Or should you refuse?
If you consent and you're resentful,
Is that better or worse than the guilt that you'll be saddled with if you were to refuse?
Now,
The author,
Geber Marte,
Speaks on trauma and psychology and a variety of different things.
And that's the sort of path that I would like to take this down a little bit as well.
Because from an internal perspective,
I've struggled to say no.
Growing up,
It was easier,
Or rather it was a survival mechanism to just agree,
To placate the other person.
Because to refuse would be to be left with guilt,
To be judged,
To be excluded.
And these trends carry on into friendships.
Rather than putting my foot down and being my truth,
I would lean towards going along with the group and then feeling resentful because the group didn't understand who or what I was.
But how could they?
If I never expressed it,
If I never truly embodied it,
If I could never feel and sit with that sense of guilt.
And having spoken to many people in different contexts,
As a teacher,
As a counselor,
As a coach,
And just as a person in this world,
Saying no to someone is hard.
It can be so challenging for people.
It's a learned skill.
I ask you this,
Do you feel like you have to have a reason justified and ready to go,
Almost like a weapon,
As to say why you want to say no?
No to something,
No to an offer,
To an idea,
To a ask.
Shouldn't you just be able to say no?
Like why do we have to justify ourselves?
Because if you think about it logically,
Anyone can ask anything of anyone.
Why should we have to give a reason?
Infinite possibilities of questions,
Limited resources,
Time,
Money,
Attention,
To be able to acquiesce to that request.
So based on pure mathematics alone,
We're going to have to refuse more than we accept.
Yet each refusal comes with inherent guilt,
And indeed unscrupulous salespeople will exploit that ploy.
The number one indicator,
Or measure of potential success for someone trying to sell something,
Is asking for the sale multiple times.
After the third ask,
They are more likely to get a yes than after the first ask,
Because people struggle to say no repeatedly.
And indeed the art of marketing,
Sales,
And all of that sort of advertisement space,
Is to get around that no,
And the darker part of that is to potentially laden you with guilt for saying no.
Saying no to a company who just wants to make profit.
But it's subtler than that too in our everyday life.
People consciously,
And often subconsciously,
Want the world to be their own way.
So they will ask explicitly,
Overtly,
Potentially implied,
Certain things,
And it's up to you the individual to know who and what you are,
To be able to stand up for yourself and say no.
And to deal with the guilt that will come.
This is definitely true in interpersonal relationships,
With close friends and family,
Particularly with children.
They want all of your time,
All of the time.
But that's not realistically possible.
Work has to happen,
Life has to happen,
Other aspects of existence have to happen.
So inevitably,
When they ask,
Hey can we play again,
You have to say no.
Now I'm not saying that I resent my children,
But if I was to say yes when I couldn't,
And that put other aspects of my life,
And thus my ability to parent,
Into question,
Then that resentment may rise.
Because whilst I would be enjoying and giving and doing something beautiful,
Enjoying and giving and doing something beautiful,
It would also be taken from another aspect.
And as the quote says,
This leads to soul suicide.
My partner,
My family,
My friends could ask something of me,
And if I don't actually want to do it,
I'm not going to be fully present for it.
And if I try to pretend I'm living a life that isn't me,
I'm putting on a show to try and fit in.
That is resentment,
And that leads to that soul suicide.
This idea that we are walking away from our true cause.
To me,
This quote really pushes us down this path of understanding who and what we are,
And also paints it with a realistic perspective going,
Hey,
If I say no,
That will lead to some negative feelings,
But if I say yes,
That will lead to worse.
Because if you just introspect on these feelings a little bit,
Guilt is internal.
It's your feelings about what you didn't do for the other person.
You can process that.
But resentment,
Resentment is way harder to process internally,
To sit with and let go of.
Because that's like them imposing something upon you.
It invokes a feeling of victimization,
Invokes a feeling of attack almost.
It's like,
Oh,
I can't believe you did this to me,
That I had to do this for you.
These sort of feelings.
Whereas guilt,
Guilt is,
I wish I could have done more for you.
It's more grounded in calmer reality.
And yes,
Both are unpleasant.
But as the quote says,
If a refusal settles you with guilt,
While consent leaves resentment in its wake,
Opt for guilt,
Because resentment is sole suicide.
So let's sit and contemplate this concept,
Sit with the resonance of the feelings of guilt and resentment,
And see which one feels preferable,
If we have to make that choice between the two.
Because if a refusal settles you with guilt,
While consent leaves resentment in its wake,
Opt for guilt.
Resentment is sole suicide.
So well done.
This brings us to the end of the session.
At the bottom of your screen,
You'll see the option to view the classroom or to ask a question.
And before moving on,
I invite you to take a moment to click through and share your insights,
To read the answers from other students and to hear my replies.
Remember to start your responses with Gebelmatte,
Or to restate the quote,
Resentment,
So we know which one you're referring to.
This is an opportunity for deep learning,
Further introspection and insight.
So please don't miss out.
I look forward to seeing you in the next session.
Thank you.
This track was taken from my course,
Daily Contemplations for Living an Examined Life.
It's out now on Insight Timer and available via my profile.
I invite you to join in.
