'I Have To' Becomes 'I Get To'

In this session, we reframe the mental label of 'having' to do something undesirable into 'getting' to do something beneficial—learning how to highlight and embrace the silver linings that come with aversion. The session ends with an introduction to Anapana, the focusing of the breath at the nose. This will train focus, control, and stability. This track is taken from my course, ‘The Path Within: Lessons From A 10-Day Vipassana Retreat’, available now via my profile.

Transcript

Day one.

I have to becomes I get to.

Upon arrival at the Vipassana training retreat,

We were greeted by the manager and the servers,

And sort of given a little bit of a rundown of what to expect from our stay.

I already knew that we were going to be meditating for quite some time each day,

And that we would have a chance to speak to the instructor and listen to a Dhamma talk each night.

But I wasn't quite aware of the day-to-day operations.

We would be in silence,

We would be meditating,

We would be learning,

We would be practicing,

But I wasn't sure how the food situation would work,

Or how the sleeping situation would work,

Or sort of what we would be doing when we're not meditating.

I signed up following an intuitive call to practice,

To sit in silence,

To delve into the depths of my mind and my body,

And just explore and learn.

But because I didn't really research it thoroughly,

I didn't quite know what to expect.

It turns out that we were to live,

For the next 10 days,

The lives of a monk.

To follow a strict meditation schedule,

Waking at 4am,

Meditating for 10 hours in a day,

Listening to a 1-2 hour talk at night,

With lights out at 9.

30.

12 hours on,

With the rest of the time dedicated to sleep,

Eating,

And bodily maintenance,

With some rest and recovery in there as well.

The food we were to eat,

The accommodation we were to stay in,

Everything that was given to us was given as a gift of charity from prior students.

Which in itself was an unexpected blessing,

And one that we will explore in depth in a later session.

Just prior to the course beginning,

They gave us a bit of a rundown of what to expect,

And then they took our phones,

And our wallets,

And our keys,

And stored them away safely for the duration of the course.

We would have no need for such distractions,

Such contact with the outside world.

Particularly if we are to embrace noble silence,

That is,

No communication,

No talking,

No contact,

No nothing.

Just pure self-observation.

But of course,

I didn't know what to expect,

And when I was assigned a room,

I was surprised to be given a room with four other men,

A dormitory.

We were assigned a bed that had a cloth around it to give us some privacy.

The cloth blocked vision,

But unfortunately it didn't block sound,

And I'm inherently a light sleeper,

And I was already quite anxious about the lack of sleep that I knew I would be getting.

A reduction to six hours sleep time for my normal eight,

Sleeping in an unknown place,

Doing unknown activities,

Was a little bit scary for me.

I was concerned that I would be tired the whole time.

But that night,

I settled down,

Got comfortable,

And started attempting to fall to sleep,

Only to be shocked and then overwhelmed by my neighbor,

Deeply and loudly snoring.

Remember,

We were right next to each other.

His head and my head were separated by a thin cloth,

And it was loud.

And then next to me,

On the other side of the room,

Another person started snoring,

And I started to really worry.

I felt like I wasn't going to get to sleep.

I started to freak out and started to get a bit overwhelmed.

I put earbuds in,

I covered myself with a pillow,

I did everything I could to block out the sound,

And no matter what I did,

The cacophony of loud,

Aggressive snoring was overwhelming.

And then a little nugget of wisdom came to me.

The thought came that I have to deal with this.

I have to put up with snoring.

I have to be in this place for the next 10 days and,

Well,

Not sleep.

I have to deal with it.

I fell into this deep feeling of self-loathing and regret,

And I instantly wanted to leave.

I thought,

I can't handle this.

I can't do this.

But then,

Thankfully,

Another,

More pure thought arose.

I have to became I get to.

I get to learn how to deal with sleep disruption.

I get to learn how to adapt.

I get to learn how to process.

I get to learn how to be with,

In this case,

Annoying fellow sleepers.

And with that attitude,

I turned my attention to the breath and simply meditated.

The sounds arose,

But they were no longer an affront.

They were no longer an attack.

They were no longer directed at me,

So to speak.

They were now reframed into something positive.

Because,

Like I said,

I'm inherently a light sleeper.

If a sound or a snore or a movement or something happening is likely to wake me up.

And the anxiety of being woken up had the tendency to ruin that night and the next night and the day after.

So,

The idea of reframing,

I have to deal with this,

Do I get to deal with it,

Was profound.

And very quickly,

I realized that this change,

This idea,

This reframe,

Can be applied to every aspect of life.

It's akin to looking for the silver lining,

To looking for the good inside of the bad.

Inside of the bad.

Every aspect of life,

Everything that happens,

You can reframe it.

I have to becomes I get to.

The instant when I went to was when I'm paying for things.

Oh,

I have to,

I have to pay right now,

Becomes I get to.

I get to pay.

What does that mental reframe do when you relate it to money?

Well,

It means that you get to bring joy,

Your work,

Your effort,

Your daily sacrifice of time.

Gets to provide for the people you love.

It pays for the shelter and the food which you and your loved ones consume.

It brings joy to those around you.

It helps bring prosperity to the people who you're giving the money to for doing a service,

Providing a product to you.

Yes,

You still,

Quote unquote,

Lose that money,

But you get to experience all of that.

If you suffer some sort of setback that forces you to change or tweak,

You have to deal with it.

Or do you get to learn?

Do you get to grow?

Do you get to try?

Do you get to adapt?

Do you get to be more?

This may sound a little bit pithy,

But if you sit with the concept,

If something arises in which you go,

Oh,

I have to do this,

Just have the thought to reframe it to a get to.

What are you getting from this experience?

What in five years time,

If you were to fully embrace what you are getting will be a net positive.

With my experience in the dormitory,

With the snorers,

I have to becomes I get to.

I get to learn how to sleep through snoring.

I get to learn how to not take it personally.

I get to learn how to process my anxiety around sleep,

Aka I get to grow due to some sort of adversity.

This is a profound lesson that I know I will take into every aspect of my life and I encourage you to consider doing so too.

The next time something bad or negative or non-desirable arises,

Look for the silver lining.

Look for what you get to do because of this thing that you have to do and embrace it.

The practice that we learnt on the first day,

The one that got me through that night,

Was called Anapana,

And the idea was to focus on the sensations of the breath at the nose.

You draw your attention to the breath at the nostrils,

At the base of the nostrils,

And you simply feel what you are feeling.

You notice the sensation or the touch of the breath as it's going in,

And the touch of the breath as it's leaving the nose.

You notice the slight temperature differences.

The in-breath is slightly cooler than the out-breath.

And you just observe.

You sit in silent observation,

And when your mind wanders,

You bring it back to the breath.

And if you find that the breath is too subtle,

That the breath is too subtle,

If you find that you can't quite feel the breath,

You just give a slightly stronger,

Slightly more intent-filled breath,

Just a couple,

To draw your attention back to the sensation and focus your mind.

And in this way,

You are developing the ability to maintain focus,

Maintain some mental control,

And draw your attention back to the breath.

I invite you to sit with a good posture,

Eyes closed,

And just focus on the sensation of the breath entering and leaving your nose for the next minute.

If your mind wanders,

Gently,

Lovingly,

Bring it back to the breath.

Let's give it a try now.

So,

Well done.

Today we looked at the idea of reframing,

I have to,

Do I get to,

In all things.

Looking for the silver lining,

And just sitting with the lessons learnt,

The wisdom acquired,

And the growth gained from doing so.

Remembering that the bad thing is happening anyway,

From doing so.

Remembering that the bad thing is happening anyway,

So why not get something good from it.

And we also introduced the technique of anapana,

Or the mantra will focus on the breath at the nose.

You sit,

Draw your attention to the breath,

And if your mind wanders,

You bring it back.

So,

With that said,

I encourage you to sit with any thoughts,

Feelings,

And insights that have arisen,

And take some time to explore the practice.

Start with one minute,

And perhaps extend to five or ten.

If you have any questions,

Or would like some further clarification,

Or have an insight you wish to share,

Please do so in the classroom.

There,

I'll be able to give you a voice response,

And you'll be able to read the questions and the answers from other students.

This is an opportunity for deep learning,

Further introspection,

And insight,

So please don't miss out.

I look forward to seeing you in the next session.

Thank you.

This track was taken from the course,

The Path Within.

Lessons from a 10-day Vipassana Retreat.

It's out now on Insight Timer,

And available through my profile.

I invite you to check it out.

Reviews

I am experiencing challenging changes in my life and have been trying to reframe it as what am I learning from this but I like the “I get to” theory. 🙏 thank you