How To Say 'No' This Christmas

This session begins with a discussion on the importance of boundary setting and the ability to say no. From there it provides some practical tips, tools, and techniques that you could use to plan and prioritize the events that arise over the festive season, granting you clarity on what matters and what can be politely declined. This track is taken from my course, ‘How To Stay Sane This Festive Season, available now via my profile.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to session two of staying sane this festive season.

I invite you to take a seat and lay down and get yourself comfortable.

You can close down the eyes if you wish and take a deep slow breath in through the nose and out through the mouth.

And as we settle into this session I just want to remind you of what we covered last session.

We talked about the need for self-acceptance.

You can only be you.

Your responses to the festive season and everything that involves are your responses.

And whilst we can do certain practices like meditation and calm breathing and self-care that we'll cover in some later sessions,

As well as plan and prioritize our time,

Which we're going to cover in this session,

Ultimately changing who and what you are is a slow and some would say impossible process.

You can grow and get more functional and you know adapt over time but ultimately you are you.

So the idea of self-acceptance is pivotal because it enables you to better interact with the world by learning who and what you are and what you need and what you enjoy.

You can learn to say yes to the things that matter that you want to do and no to the things that don't that would detract.

And yeah,

Emotionality and issues and feelings of guilt and judgment may come internally or externally but those need to be accepted as well.

When things arise we turn the lens of our attention towards them and just offer those feelings loving kindness and ask if anything needs to be said.

This is inner child work,

This is shadow work,

This is integration and it can be done and at any time if throughout the festive season or even just during this course things arise,

Pause,

Take a breath and just feel and speak to that space and say hey I've got you,

I'm listening,

I understand,

I accept.

And perhaps through that integration process you will find yourself better able to manage maybe even enjoying yourself.

In today's session we're going to look at planning and prioritizing.

The first rule that I want you to hold in mind is that you do not need to say yes to everything that arises.

Once again,

You are a finite human being,

There are only so many days and hours in which you have to play with,

There's only so much money you have to spend,

There's only so much energy you have to give.

There's only so much money you have to spend,

There's only so much energy you have to give.

You know this season has so much more potential obligations on top of our normal life.

Now some of us thrive with this environment and extra stuff being added but chances are if you're listening to this maybe that's not you,

Maybe you're more introverted in nature,

Maybe you need time to recover,

Maybe for whatever reason the stresses of life already have you almost at capacity and the festive seasons obligations and expectations may put you over the edge.

You know this could just be a purely financial thing,

You might be living paycheck to paycheck and then oh look you have to buy all of these gifts,

You have to attend all these parties,

You have to you know do all these rituals that you simply can't afford.

You know change money for attention,

For energy,

For you know spoons if you understand the spoon theory and yeah no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed.

So the very first thing I want to suggest to you is that you can say no and you should and you don't necessarily need even a reason.

If something doesn't sound fun,

Doesn't sound engaging,

Doesn't sound like it will give you something or in fact will cost you more than you're happy to pay in time,

Attention,

Money,

Whatever resource it is that matters in that moment,

Say no.

Now really no should be enough.

You shouldn't need justify yourself to anyone but obviously people may want justifications and if you feel the need,

The desire to give a justification,

A simple one is this.

You can say something along the lines of I'm sorry but unfortunately I don't think I am capable of attending.

I don't think I'll be able to handle it.

You know put it on yourself,

Say the truth.

I don't think I can afford it.

Whatever that truth is and if that reason that is true isn't accepted,

You're now learning something about that person that perhaps they're not accepting or hearing you and that may lead to potential deeper conversations with them or with yourself about your relationship to them.

If you are honest and open and truthful in your words,

Then you know that that is the epitome of what you can give and it's on them to accept that,

As long as you're deliberate with kindness of course.

So as we go into this idea of planning and prioritizing,

It's important to remember that and when you're sharing your lack of attendance or attendance with people,

You to save the relationship with them,

You put it on yourself there's just too much on for me at the moment.

I can't afford it,

It's due to something internal to me,

Nothing to do with you.

Could be the location,

You know blame it on other things,

Save face.

And that's okay to do so as well and once again any feelings that arise here that are sort of bringing up some you know warning flags or some issues,

I invite you to turn the lens of attention towards and just introspect.

Let's get into the planning and prioritizing more specifically.

There's a couple of things I do to plan and prioritize here.

I have a diary that has daily entries and in those daily entries I put in all of the invitations,

Obligations and events that I could possibly attend.

Now you could use a wall planner or your phone,

But for me a diary that has daily entries is the best and the reason I like it is because I can see on each day I can sort of scroll over the diary and I see where each thing is landing.

Now once again this comes back to self-acceptance and self-understanding.

I know that for certain events with certain people and certain groups and certain activities I will need some downtime after.

So by putting everything into the diary I can look at it and go okay cool this is what I've got coming up.

Here's the next thing that's coming up.

Is there enough time between those to recover?

And I really try and visualize and remember my past experiences because a lot of the time here you will find that you're worried about certain events but that worry causes you to feel overwhelmed.

But the reality in the moment is that you're fine.

This is a level of social anxiety or panic attack stuff that we're talking about here.

But by seeing and planning ahead and noting where things are arising we can see if we actually will be fine.

So if you've got three parties planned day after day after day you're probably going to need to choose one or maybe two of them.

Maybe you can handle all three.

But seeing where they land allows you to choose whether you respond to it or not,

Whether you come or not.

Put them all into the diary,

Into the wall plan or whatever system you're using and then highlight the ones with a highlighter.

You know bright green,

Bright yellow,

Whatever.

The ones that are you must attend.

And I use that word with a sort of quotation attached because ultimately you don't have to do anything.

You could choose to not attend anything.

Obviously there's these expectations around social gatherings and with friends and family and work and all that sort of stuff.

But if you came down with some gastrointestinal bug and you were confined to the toilet you wouldn't be expected to attend all of these events right?

So ultimately they're not a quote-unquote must.

But certain things are more expected in your life.

I get it.

So if there are any of those things that are like okay you have to do this,

Highlight those.

Now look back over your diary or your planner and see where those highlighted ones sit.

Are any too close to one another?

If so and you can't reduce one from a must to a maybe then you need to block out you know the days before and after to give yourself the time to prepare and recover.

I'm going to talk about that in a later session.

But what we're doing here is seeing where the musts are.

You know the immovable rocks and just putting in some buttress time before and after.

So you've got your highlighted spaces and you're blocking off some time before and after.

And now you can look at does any of the other gatherings and obligations fall into those empty spaces?

If they do and you think that those other events and gatherings will add joy to your life that you're excited to do.

You know if it's not a hell yeah it's a definite no right.

Then highlight those as well and block off the time before and after as well.

And now have a look at your diary again.

Are there things that you've been invited to do that perhaps you're not that excited to do?

Well counsel them.

Put a line through them.

Message the person and say that you can't attend.

That you're sorry.

And as you get invited to more and more things because that's the other problem with this time of year parties just seem to pop up.

Invitations seem to pop up.

Gatherings seem to pop up randomly because everyone's organizing themselves differently obviously.

As you get invited to different gatherings and different things check your diary before you say yes or no.

Write it in there.

Look at the things before and after including your downtime needs.

If it fits and if you're excited to do it do it.

So here's the summary of how you prioritize.

First of all remember you can say no.

Second of all look at the musts.

There are certain things in your life be it with work or friends or family that are must dos.

Put those first as well as the time needed before and after to recover.

Then look to the rest of the invitations you've got for the ones that will add something to your life for things that you're excited to attend.

Add those in too along with some time before and after to recover.

And anything that is now blocked off or that you're not excited to attend,

Excuse yourself from.

Be open,

Honest and caring in your refusal to come.

Nonetheless stick to that boundary.

So with all that said we're going to sit in contemplation of the feelings that have arisen during this talk.

And as before I just invite you to sit and watch and see what arises.

If it's a memory just bring yourself back to the first instance of those feelings arises,

The earliest memories.

Just say to that person with loving,

Caring,

Kindness and compassion,

I hear you,

I see you,

I'm listening to you,

I care for you.

And just gently work towards an integration with that part of yourself.

So we'll take a slow deep breath in through the nose and out through the mouth and begin.

So how did you go?

If you have any questions around prioritizing and planning,

About saying no,

About staying sane over this festive season in general,

Please let me know in the classroom.

I'll be there daily to help you out.

And if any personal anecdotes,

Issues,

Insights or solutions came up for you during this session,

Issues,

Insights or solutions came up for you during this session,

I'd like to encourage you to share them in the classroom as well,

Only if you feel comfortable of course.

Because together we can foster a community of support,

Guidance and growth.

One that helps one another to bring that positivity to our experiences of the festive season.

I look forward to seeing you there and connecting with you.

So we'll see you in the next session.

Have a great day.

This track is taken from the course,

How to Stay Sane This Festive Season.

Available now via my InsightTimer profile.