Fearing The Darkness (& Light) Within

It can be all too easy to avoid the darkness within. We run from the shadow and avoid contemplating our totality out of fear of what we will find. For some, it can be just as easy to avoid the light within. To shrink away from our potential and possibility out of a fear of what living our divine truths would entail. This track is taken from my course, ‘Questions To Heal Your Soul’, available now via my profile.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the session.

I invite you to take a seat or lay down and get yourself comfortable.

You can close down your eyes if you wish and take three slow deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.

Just draw your attention to your thoughts.

Just attempting to observe them without grasping,

Without judging.

Just seeing them as another aspect of consciousness.

Like a bird's call or a car going down a freeway.

It's just a sound,

Just a sight,

Just a feeling.

Just another thing that has appeared in consciousness.

A thought comes,

You acknowledge it and you let it go.

All the while taking some slow and deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth.

Just gently move your attention down your body,

Noticing any points of tension or blockages or contraction.

In the same way you did with your thoughts,

Just observing those points of tension,

Contraction,

Just looking at them,

Just being curious about them,

Being open to them and then letting them go.

Just releasing your jaw,

Dropping your shoulders,

Unclenching any tension in your belly or your groin or your buttocks.

Just gently relaxing every part of your body.

Slowly,

Slow,

Deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth.

Just begin to open yourself up,

To make your mind flexible and pliable and supple,

To welcome in the wisdom of the universe or god or intuition or the muse or nature or ancestors,

Whatever place or space you draw your strength from.

Just opening ourselves up to that space because in a moment I'm going to ask you a question two times and we're just going to let that question free.

Just observe what arises,

Not try to hold it back,

No grasping,

Just letting the answers unfold,

Just growing because of it.

Am I afraid of myself?

Am I afraid of myself?

This question of being afraid of myself conjures up the idea of the shadow.

The shadow work is like looking at the darker parts of yourself,

The hidden parts,

The dark desires,

The impulses,

The things that you wouldn't want to sort of let out in polite company,

So to speak.

Because a lot of the time we see those parts and we run from them,

We hide from them because we see those parts and we run from them,

We hide from them because they're scary,

Because they're confronting,

Because they confirm to us that we're no better than other people,

Because they show us that were we to let up,

Were we to let those parts win,

We too would be capable of dastardly acts.

I've long felt afraid of myself in numerous parts because I've long recognized the shadow,

And I think this is a hold-up from my past.

Past traumas,

Past neglects,

Past issues have left me in a place of doubt,

Doubting myself,

Doubting the actions,

Doubting my intentions,

Doubting myself because I didn't have someone doubting myself because I didn't have someone there to model off,

To regulate with,

To guide me,

It was just me and my thoughts.

And I could see the potential in myself because I saw the potential in other people,

Because I saw people do things and say things that they shouldn't have,

I saw the darkest parts of other people.

And this isn't unique to me,

You know,

If you've been in this world for long enough,

You've seen people say and do things,

Varying degrees of nefarious natures,

From just carelessness,

To acts of,

You know,

Depravity.

And,

You know,

A part of us might see that potential in ourselves and then hold back.

If I consider that I'm afraid of myself,

All those parts of myself,

It's stopping me from taking action fully,

It's like I'm afraid to step fully forward in my power,

Because what would it mean to impose myself upon other people?

And I don't even mean with ill intent,

There's this sort of part of me that doesn't want to step into my full strength,

Because that's an imposition.

Because what if people don't like me?

Because what if people don't want that?

It's like I'm putting too much weight on myself,

Or not enough weight upon people's ability to choose.

That's obviously a hang-up from the past as well,

Because I didn't have as much ability to choose as I would like.

It's about shadow work.

There's a phrase that's popping up,

It's like I want to be free to let my inner wild child dance.

The inner wild child dancing.

What would that mean?

What would that mean if I could let myself be free?

You know,

Move from beyond the shadow work,

But into just possibility,

Into like me being my fullest,

Expressing myself.

There's a bit of shame there,

A bit of potential embarrassment,

A bit of worry that who and what I am won't be appreciated or valued or understood by people.

What would it mean to let my inner wild child dance?

Would I have to be not afraid of myself?

Can I not be afraid of myself?

How?

How could I not be afraid of myself?

I guess this comes down to a question of masks.

We all put roles upon ourselves,

You know,

We as parents have to act a certain way to ensure that our kids turn out a certain way.

Professionally,

We have to act a certain way.

With our partners,

We act a certain way.

When we're doing socialising or our hobbies,

Online,

Social media,

We're always putting on different masks.

You go to the doctor as a patient,

You're in a different mask.

It's like a role,

It's a frame,

You know,

Depending on the language that you want to use to describe it,

It puts you into a certain perspective.

But what would it mean to not be afraid of who I am in each and every moment,

Regardless of the role or the frame or anything like that?

Could I be me?

Could I be me in my full truth,

In my potential?

That seems such an imposition.

I feel like I'm playing small,

I feel like I don't want to.

I'm pulling back from this thought.

Am I afraid of myself?

Am I afraid of people judging me?

Am I afraid of not being accepted?

Am I afraid that I won't like myself if I don't,

You know,

If I was to step into my truth?

If I was to be fully me,

What would that mean?

It feels better to hide behind the mask than it is to risk that exposure.

But that obviously is a lie,

Or half-truth.

Well,

That's the shadow talking,

Right?

I should be me,

I should be free,

I should be able to explore and play,

You know,

Let that wild child dance.

To go with the flow,

Dance like no one's looking,

Speak like no one's listening,

Write like no one's reading.

Not in a way that's negative,

You know,

Obviously I want to respect other people's,

You know,

Consent and beliefs and all of that sort of stuff,

But to the extent that I'm not imposing myself truly upon other people,

I want to be free and express myself,

And also be aware of my totality,

Of my truth.

Am I afraid of myself?

It's more like I'm afraid of my potential,

Of possibility,

Of what that would mean to be my fullest.

Now I'm wondering,

Are other people afraid of themselves?

You know,

You see glimpses of people,

Of potential,

Of possibility,

And then they pull back,

And you're like,

No,

No,

Give me that person,

Give me that person that was so passionate in that moment.

Let's live in that space together of potential and possibility,

Because it fills my cup.

I'm thinking of like five different people right now who,

When they're in a certain mood or mind frame,

When they're in their truth,

When they've just put down the masks and they're just expressing,

My god,

My god,

Are they amazing.

I can't help but wonder that that must be true for everyone.

When everyone gets out of their own way,

They become this wellspring of joy and love and compassion and expression that fills everyone's cups around them.

But they're afraid of themselves,

And I don't get the benefit of that.

So therefore,

If I'm afraid of myself,

Other people aren't getting the benefit of my full cup overflowing.

So I guess this is a process,

I guess this is a journey,

A goal,

A destination to move towards.

I'd like to not be afraid of myself,

I'd like to live in my fullness,

In my truth,

In my potential,

And perhaps I will at some stage,

But at least I can start stepping down that pathway.

So I ask you,

Are you afraid of yourself?

Are you afraid of yourself?

Well done.

That brings us to the end of the session.

At the bottom of your screen,

You'll see an option to view the classroom or to ask a question.

Before moving on,

I invite you to take a moment to click through and share your insights,

To read the answers from other students and to hear my replies.

Remember to start your responses with session four or the question,

Am I afraid of myself?

And that way,

We'll all know which one you're referring to.

This is an opportunity for deep learning,

Further introspection and insight.

So please don't miss out.

I look forward to seeing you in the next session.

Thank you.

This track was taken from the course,

Questions to Heal Your Soul.

It's out now on Insight Timer and available via my profile.

I invite you to join in.