Hello fellow Insight Timers.
Welcome to the Unstoppable Mindset.
A series of deep diving mindset related topics to empower,
Inspire,
Ignite,
And encourage one another.
So we go from underestimated to unstoppable.
And welcome to this session,
Avoiding the Blame Game.
I want to start out this session's topic with a short story.
It's called Autobiography in Five Chapters by Portia Nelson.
Chapter 1.
I walk down the street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.
I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2.
I walk down the same street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
Can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3.
I walk down the same street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I fall in.
It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4.
I walk down the same street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5.
I walk down another street.
I want to pause for a moment and ask you to think about the message you took away from this story.
Does it have some resonance for you?
Okay.
So in total transparency,
I used to be a huge blamer.
Oh yeah.
If something went wrong in my world,
I'd blame anything or anyone else rather than take responsibility.
If I was having a chicken little moment where the sky was falling,
It wasn't my fault.
It was my mom's fault for saying something disparaging to me.
It was my dad's fault for looking at me sideways.
It was someone else's fault or that one's fault.
But it was never my fault.
And then one day I had a huge metaphor two by four upside the head in the form of a conversation with someone I trusted.
I was complaining as per usual about something that happened.
And then I was blaming,
And I think I was blaming my parents for the end result of what happened.
And the person I trusted asked me this question,
Pam,
Are you an adult?
With an unamused look on my face,
I went,
Uh,
Yeah.
To which the person I trusted then asked,
So when will you start taking responsibility for what happens in your life and stop blaming others?
That's when the two by four made contact with my head.
At the end of the day,
Blame is a great place to hide,
To hide from embarrassment,
To hide from failure,
Mistakes made.
And what it does to our mindset,
It feeds the negative bias in our brains,
Keeping us in a fixed mindset,
Unable to see the opportunities for learning and growth.
And I'm going to geek out on you for just a moment with a little side note.
Our brains are wired to see the negative,
Aka negative bias,
Thanks to our prehistoric ancestors.
It's what kept them safe from all sorts of predatory dangers.
And it's what keeps us on alert for danger of any kind,
Real or imagined.
So blame and negative bias prevents us from seeing options and possibilities,
Disempowering us rather than empowering us.
It hides our abilities and capabilities from view and puts us in that place of feeling constricted rather than expansive.
So to shift that small constricted energy that blame,
That the blame game causes,
I invite you to give this three step experiment a bit of a whirl.
Step one,
Identify the triggers that invite you to participate in the blame game.
See,
Awareness is key here.
We can't switch our thoughts,
Our feelings,
Our actions if we aren't aware of what's creating those things in the first place.
So for example,
Maybe making a mistake is a big trigger for you.
But if you're not sure what triggers you,
Which is totally cool,
Happens,
I want to invite you to think about a time in the past when you blame something or someone else and recall what it was about that situation or those situations that had you placing blame and then make a list of the triggers in those situations that caused you to participate in the blame game.
Step number two,
After identifying the triggers,
Ask yourself this question.
What am I protecting myself from?
For example,
Maybe you're protecting yourself from looking silly,
Incompetent,
Less than,
Or maybe you're protecting yourself from getting in trouble or creating an issue with someone else.
Make a list of the things that you're protecting yourself from.
Now step number three,
Taking your list from step number two,
Create a list of things you can do instead of blame.
I'll give you some personal examples.
Making mistakes used to be a massive trigger for me.
So now rather than blame something or someone else,
I look for the learning.
How can I learn from this mistake that I can leverage going forward so I don't make the mistake again?
Or as another example,
I used to be afraid of someone getting mad at me if I messed up.
So now instead of blame,
Blaming something or someone else for my mess up,
I own my mess up and I just simply apologize.
But here's an interesting question.
What if someone is blaming you for something that's not yours to own?
How do you avoid the blame game then?
Well,
I'm going to offer you something that I use that helps me to avoid getting in the blame game.
Now please understand if what I'm about to share with you doesn't work,
Please feel free to disregard it or tweak it and make it your own.
Make it something that's going to work for you.
So when somebody is blaming me for something that I clearly and wholeheartedly know is not my responsibility to own,
I remind myself that their blame isn't personal,
Even when it feels like it is.
I also remind myself that they're blaming me because of their own internal triggers.
I then take a really deep breath and I just notice what they're saying.
I don't engage with it.
I just notice it.
And I definitely don't get into a finger pointing match because that's only going to perpetuate the blame game.
In closing,
I'd love to share a quote with you from Steve Goodyear.
And he said,
An important decision I made was to resist playing the blame game.
The day I realized that I am in charge of how I will approach problems in my life,
That things will turn out better or worse because of me and nobody else.
That was the day I knew I would be happier and healthier person.
And that was the day I knew I could truly build a life that matters.
Awesome stuff.
If you have any questions,
Ideas,
Or things that have worked for you when it comes to avoiding the blame game,
I want to invite you to join me in the group and,
And hashtag unstoppable mindset,
Which is right here on insight timer.
I look forward to connecting with you and keeping the mindset shifting conversation going.
In the meantime,
I'm sending you much peace,
Love,
And light be well and take good care.
