Inner Monologue

Light hearted version of a guided meditation (where you can hear the instructor's inner monologue). This is not meant to annoy or offend anyone. It takes from things I've observed in myself and in others, but is not meant to be having a dig at anybody. #parody #comedy #honest #jokes

Transcript

How much silence shall I leave at the beginning?

Coming now to sit.

Should I start with a body scan?

Or go straight to the breath stuff?

So noticing your breath in your nose first of all.

I always start with the nose.

So predictable,

So predictable.

I guess I'll go into the warm and cold stuff now.

The air feeling cold as it comes into your nose.

And feeling warm as it comes out.

Just do a few breaths.

Noticing how it feels.

How it feels.

I'm always saying stuff about how it feels,

Aren't I?

How it feels now,

How it feels this.

It's so boring and predictable.

I need to come up with something new.

Take a breath.

And now feel your chest expand.

Rising with the in-breath.

Falling with the out-breath.

Nope,

Not got anything original to say.

I suppose next we'll talk about the belly.

Is it next?

Is it the next thing that we'll do?

Yes,

Of course,

Talk about the belly.

Why not?

Now taking your attention down lower.

You may even want to place a hand on your belly.

And feel it expanding and contracting.

With each breath in.

And each breath out.

Yes,

The belly.

It's an easy one for me because I've got quite a fat belly.

So it gives the belly that bit of raisin detritus,

Doesn't it?

Why is there a fat belly there?

Because I'm always concentrating on the movement of the air in and out of the belly.

Of course,

There's no air actually going into the belly.

I think everybody gets this.

But sometimes I just am a bit more.

.

.

Yeah,

Why don't I just say something about that just in case anyone's confused.

Of course,

There's no air going into your belly.

It's just your diaphragm.

As it drops,

The belly is pushed out.

And the air fills the lungs.

And then as it rises,

The air is pushed out.

And no air is going in or out of the belly.

But rather,

The belly moves with the in and out breath.

Just doing a few breaths like this.

You'd be amazed by how many times I have actually been asked that.

Like about,

Is there air going into my belly?

Unless you're kind of lugging back air through your food tube,

Which I think is quite hard to do.

Not impossible,

But quite hard to do.

There is obviously no air going into your belly.

But not everybody gets that.

So it's worth having a little explainer there sometimes.

I suppose I should say something else now,

Shouldn't I?

What should I say?

So,

Just allowing the breath to slow down,

To settle into a rhythm that feels relaxed and restful for you.

Relaxed and restful.

Goodness me,

I am just Mr Walking Cliché.

Meditation that's relaxed and restful.

Good,

Good,

Of course.

Of course that's what they want to hear,

The punters.

They love something that's relaxed and restful.

And you just need to say it to them in a way that they'll believe it.

And boom,

You've relaxed and restful them.

What can I say?

I got mad meditation skills.

Yeah,

They've probably done that for long enough now.

What should I say now?

And now that you've been breathing in this way for a certain amount of time,

You may have started to notice your thoughts.

Sometimes they're just coming and going,

But other times they're more intrusive and they really pull for your attention.

So,

What I'm going to invite you to do next is not fight against your thoughts,

Not try and pull your attention back to your breath every time you notice them,

But actually to allow your mind to go wherever it wants to.

To allow your thoughts to be thunk.

And just relax into this and have a couple of minutes now where your thoughts go wherever they want to.

A couple of minutes.

Good,

Good.

That was a sneaky little break I inserted there,

Wasn't it?

Just two minutes off for me while everybody thinks about their thoughts,

Including yours truly.

So,

What thoughts am I thinking right now?

What thoughts am I thinking?

Well,

I suppose I'm thinking about dinner.

That is the classic thought,

Isn't it?

Got to be a veggie spag bowl tonight.

Of course it's veggie.

Could I be more clichéd?

No,

No I couldn't.

It's going to be a veggie,

Not just veggie,

But of course vegan spag bowl.

So,

Don't worry about it.

Got that base covered.

Of course I'm not a perfect vegan,

I admit that.

Sometimes I slide.

In fact,

I've slid pretty considerably in recent times and did actually have a load of meat on the weekend.

So,

No one here needs to know that,

Of course.

No one needs to know that I have hit up the carnivorous diet of late.

I can keep up the veggie facade and,

Well,

It doesn't even have to come up in conversation,

Does it?

So,

I suppose.

.

.

Is that long enough to give them to think about their thoughts?

I think that's probably long enough.

Okay.

And at a certain point,

When you've been aware of your thoughts for a certain amount of time,

Just come back to focusing on your breath.

And realise that your breath is the perfect anchor to bring your attention back to again and again.

So,

In this final section of the meditation,

Go back to placing your attention on the breath,

Whether this be in your nose,

In your chest,

In your belly,

Or wherever you feel it's strongest.

And when the thoughts do pull for your attention,

Just notice what thoughts they are,

Notice where your mind has gone,

And then,

Oh so gently,

Just escorting your attention back to your breath.

So,

I'll give you a minute or two to finish with this practice.

Goodness me,

I am so rubbish at doing this.

When I try and put my attention on my breath,

It is like milliseconds,

It's milliseconds before I'm thinking about something else.

And I feel quite guilty about this,

I suppose,

That I'm professing that everyone try this mindfulness of breath business,

And yet I am rubbish at doing it myself.

I just am off with the fairies.

Off with the fairies,

To be quite honest.

But you know,

We can but try.

Sometimes,

Sometimes,

Don't get me wrong,

Sometimes I can get on the breath for a bit,

On the breath train.

It's just,

I don't like it.

I don't like mindfulness of breath.

I teach it,

Because some people seem to love it,

But for me,

It is not the meditation of choice.

I like that one before,

The choiceless awareness,

Just let your mind do whatever.

But,

You know,

Each to their own,

And it is one of the basics,

So you've got to teach it,

Really.

So there you are.

That'll probably be enough for them,

Won't it?

And then,

As you breathe out,

Come back to an awareness of your body,

Sitting here.

Become aware of the sounds around you.

Become aware of any visual information coming to you Open your eyes,

Blink a few times,

And come back to the room.

Was that a good meditation?

I guess it's in the mind of the meditator,

As it were.

It depends if any people got anything from that.

I'm going to guess average meditation.

For me,

It was distinctly average,

So I'm guessing it's the same for the meditators.

We'll see what the feedback is,

And go from there.

Thank you.