Hi,
I am Vassia.
I'm a psychologist and a recovering perfectionist,
Working the same path many of you are on,
Which is learning to soften the constant never-good-enoughness that weighs on our hearts and minds.
In my work,
I use approaches like schema therapy and emotionally focused therapy in order to help people notice and heal the patterns that keep them stuck in guilt,
Fear,
Or self-criticism.
And often I am going to mention some of these terms and techniques here in our community and guide you in a way that you can also use them in your own life in a helpful way without overwhelming you.
And one of the most powerful patterns we all struggle with is the inner critic.
That voice.
That voice that's always warning,
Doubting,
Demanding,
Punishing,
Guilt tripping,
Or just finding fault at everything.
And I chose that to be my first track here as a teacher in Inside Timer,
Because I consider it that important.
So let's define it clearly.
The inner critic is not just one voice in your head.
It's a belief system that your brain has built over many years.
Its functional role is to warn you about potential dangers.
Yes,
The inner critic can be helpful in some ways.
However,
Oftentimes it not only focuses on the negative,
But it exaggerates it and even distorts the reality around us to a degree that we think that this is the only reality.
So sometimes it focuses on you.
And let me give you some examples.
You will never get it right.
You're not good enough.
Why are you so slow?
Others are way ahead of you.
Again the same mistake.
You will never land right.
That's your destiny.
Harsh,
Right?
Or sometimes it focuses on others.
You know what?
They don't like you.
Watch out.
They're dangerous.
They will disrespect you one day or hurt you.
They are actually disappointed in you.
And sometimes it's about life in general.
The world is unsafe.
Something bad is about to happen.
Life is so unfair.
As a result,
We keep repeating this information because the brain perceives it as useful.
Here's the key word.
Perceive.
Your brain perceives this criticism as protection.
It thinks that if I prepare you for the worst,
You will be safe and you will thank me one day.
So it retrieves these thoughts automatically like an overprotective alarm system.
But here we come and intervene.
Protection is not the same as truth.
Let me repeat that.
Protection is not the same as truth.
It's what the brain perceives as important and vital,
But not necessarily the reality.
And in order to counter that pattern,
I have prepared two small practices for you today.
The first tool we will practice today is creating distance from these thoughts.
What does this mean?
It means pausing before you react at whatever your inner critic is throwing at you and gently questioning the thought instead of swallowing it whole.
Here's how.
When a negative thought arises and you recognize it,
And I will actually talk in one of the next tracks how to recognize it,
Just add the phrase in front of this negative thought.
My mind is telling me.
Sounds too simple,
But trust me on that.
For example,
Instead of thinking,
My friend hasn't called back.
She probably doesn't like me anymore.
You say,
My mind is telling me that my friend doesn't like me anymore.
Can you feel the difference?
This little phrase,
My mind is telling me that,
Is there to remind you that the thought is just a thought.
It may or may not be true.
You get to choose whether it's helpful to keep or not.
Let's try it now.
Think of a recent incident where you felt scared,
Anxious,
Stressed,
And together with that you had a very critical thought,
Self-critical thought.
Probably you're going for an interview.
Am I going to make it?
No,
I'm not going to make it.
I'm going to be embarrassed.
I'm not going to take the job.
Think of any situation that made you feel doubtful about yourself and pick the self-critical thought.
Now pause and reframe that thought with my mind is telling me and then continue with the thought.
Notice how even this small step gives you breathing space,
Right?
Now let's go to our practice.
The second tool is not about fighting the critic.
One way or another it's going to be there in some form.
It was around for decades and it's going to be around for another couple of decades.
What we want is yes to silence it but also instead we want to shift our attention toward another voice,
The inner supporter.
We don't need you anymore inner critic because we are tuning in the inner supporter.
This is the voice of care,
Compassion,
Trust,
Reassurance,
And steady encouragement.
Author Elizabeth Gilbert practices this by writing letters to herself from the spirit of unconditional love.
It's kind of similar.
I've done this myself.
I love this practice and I'm telling you it's really powerful.
My inner critic is significantly silenced.
So let's imagine a situation together.
Your inner critic might say,
See you messed up again.
People are tired of you.
Okay,
We heard you inner critic.
Now please invite your inner supporter and ask what would your inner supporter say to you here?
What tone of voice would your inner supporter use?
How would your inner supporter speak if their only goal was to make you feel safe and loved first and foremost?
And I'm going to put some ideas out there but there's no right or wrong answer when you tune into your inner supporter.
Maybe they would say it's okay everybody makes mistakes and you're still valued.
Or maybe the inner supporter will say,
Well this mistake doesn't define you.
You're much more than this mistake.
Or it will say I'm proud of you for trying.
It doesn't matter the mistake or the success.
I'm proud of you for trying either way.
Or simply your inner supporter will say or remind you people who value you and accept you as you are won't be bothered by this mistake and they won't change their opinion of you.
These words don't need to be perfect.
What matters is the tone,
Kind,
Steady and forgiving.
And that is the voice that we want to practice tuning into.
Because immediately our nervous system becomes regulated.
We feel safe and we're going to make better decisions after that.
So today you've practiced two ways to soften the inner critic.
One,
Creating distance with my mind is telling me.
And two,
Turning attention towards the inner supporter.
Remember thoughts are not always true.
They are often just perceived warnings.
And you always have a choice about which voice to strengthen.
Now let's close with some affirmations.
You can repeat them quietly or just let them sing in.
My thoughts are not always facts.
I can pause before I react.
I am allowed to listen to the voice that supports me.
I don't need to be perfect to be worthy.
My inner supporter is growing stronger every day.
Take a slow grounding breath in and exhale fully.
Carry these practices into your day.
Let your inner supporter walk beside you.
I will be with you soon with the next track.
Take good care of yourself.
