Hello,
I am Vassia,
A psychologist and a recovering perfectionist.
And that's two main reasons why I am focusing through my work on those who are struggling with anxiety due to perfectionism or,
As I call it,
Never-good-enoughness,
Or they have experienced burnout because of this infinite treadmill run to perfection.
For years,
I caught myself repeating the same thoughts over and over.
I will never be as successful as they are.
Why am I so slow?
Why everything I do is wrong and others get it right the first time around?
And now,
As I work with people who are burned out,
I hear the same painful sentences from them.
Even when they have achieved so much,
They still compare themselves with others,
And unfortunately,
Always end up on the losing side.
Today,
We will look more closely at comparison.
Why we do it,
Why it hurts,
And how we can begin to shift it.
Comparison is,
At its core,
A natural part of being human.
To a degree,
It can even be inspiring.
We look up to others,
We learn from them,
We imagine who we might become one day.
But perfectionism distorts comparison.
It focuses only on what is not achieved by us and what is achieved by others so far,
And it amplifies its importance.
It turns what could be motivation into a weapon,
A constant proof that we are not enough.
And here is something we often miss.
We don't compare ourselves to others objectively.
We compare based on our own metric system,
The values we were raised to see as important.
For example,
If you grew up in a family where intelligence was highly valued,
You might have pursued degrees,
Awards,
Trainings,
And accolades.
You assume that this is what everyone values.
But then,
When someone with fewer qualifications and trainings gets the job you wanted,
You don't get it.
You are so confused.
And to say the least,
You feel it's unfair.
What happened here?
You assume that everyone shares your own metric system,
Hence they would value what you have been focusing on achieving throughout your whole life and what you bring on the table.
The truth is,
Though,
That the world doesn't share one universal system of worth.
Some people value personality,
Others value appearance,
Others value connections.
So when you measure yourself against others using your own metrics,
The comparison is always skewed and usually unfair to you.
Without this awareness,
The chances are that you may exhaust yourself,
Piling on guilt and shame,
Convinced that you simply haven't tried hard enough.
What you really need is not to be everything,
But to find the people and spaces that value what you value.
And here's another inside secret that I want you to know.
Comparison also comes from our brain's attempt to protect us.
How is that possible?
To protect us?
When you think,
I will never be as successful as them,
It's actually your mind telling you,
Better not to try at all than to try and fail,
Because it believes it's protecting you from wasting time,
Energy,
And disappointment.
However,
The brain doesn't know how deeply you long to try.
It doesn't understand what success,
Effort,
Or growth truly mean to you.
It doesn't know that you don't want to be safe,
But stuck and scared,
But that you want to get out of your comfort zone and risk whatever is worth risking for.
That's where you step in to remind yourself that even if disappointment happens,
Your journey is still worth it.
And that's where you step in with your awareness and say,
No thank you,
I want to try anyway.
Now,
I have prepared 5 practices for you,
5 small practices,
And feel free to try them all or one at a time,
The more the better,
Since our real challenge here,
Our real enemy here is to change the mindset that has been following us for decades and replace it with a more healthy,
Helpful,
Growth-oriented mindset.
First one,
Change the metrics.
Ask yourself,
What do I truly value in life?
What is my definition of success,
Not just in the professional sphere,
But holistically?
What makes me happy and fulfilled at the end of the day?
Is it family?
Is it creativity?
Is it adventure?
Is it growth,
Kindness,
Resilience?
All of these count.
And when you return to your own values,
You take back the power to define success on your own terms.
Second,
See others as inspiration.
Comparison doesn't always need to be an enemy.
The moon shines because of the sun's light.
In the same way,
We can let ourselves to be influenced by others' light,
Not to copy them,
But to be inspired.
So,
Thank them for showing you the way,
For proving that it's possible,
For walking the path ahead of you and showing you the way.
Allow their success to show you what's possible.
Third one,
Embrace your own journey.
Perfectionism makes us focus on the struggles when it comes to our life,
But on the successes when it comes to others' lives.
Unfair again.
But the truth is that everyone walks their own path with struggles and privileges we may never see.
You may not have had the same resources as others,
But you are here,
Still standing,
Still trying.
That's not something that you can change now.
But the fact that you are still here,
Still trying,
Is already a success.
This is your unique life,
Your unique past,
And your unique,
Yet to be revealed,
Future.
When you embrace your life,
Your past,
And whatever is going to come in the future,
With the good and bad,
You embrace yourself.
And that's an extra gift.
Number four,
Look back at your successes.
Write down every milestone,
Big or small,
From learning to walk,
Riding a bike without training wheels,
Finishing high school,
Catching your first fish,
Getting your first job.
And remind yourself,
I'm already successful.
These are not small wins.
They are proof.
Proof that you are already successful,
That you have been moving forward all along.
And number five,
Keep the vision alive.
Instead of focusing on who you haven't become yet,
And what you haven't achieved,
Exactly what perfectionism tells you to do,
Remind yourself daily who you want to be,
And what steps you need to take to get there.
And when your inner critic whispers,
You are not successful,
Add one word at the end of the sentence,
Yet.
This keeps the door open.
You are not successful yet.
I am not successful yet.
It turns judgment into possibility.
So,
We practice a lot,
And we practice well,
On how to stop a comparison from taking the vision,
The energy,
And the trust we have in ourselves.
That's why we did all this practice today.
We want to keep trusting ourselves that we're going to make it,
And we want to still stay in the game.
Now,
Take a slow breath with me here.
And as we close,
Let these affirmations settle in your heart.
My worth is not measured against others.
I define success,
But I define success by what I value.
I allow others to inspire me without diminishing myself.
I am walking my own path at my own pace.
I am not successful yet,
And I'm already successful.
Take a deep breath in,
And exhale fully.
You don't need to win every comparison to be enough.
You already are.
Thank you for listening.
Until next time,
Take good care of yourself.
