Why He Keeps Ghosting: Episode 4

If you’re a single woman dating over 40 and feeling like guys keep ghosting you for reasons you just can't understand—this episode of Stop Chasing Unavailable Guys podcast is for you. Truly Eleanor breaks down the top three dating mistakes she sees as a love coach and the underlying limiting beliefs that keep you stuck. Let’s get real about what’s holding you back from finding a truly devoted relationship with Mr. Right.

Transcript

Hey,

Are you a single woman dating over 40 and guys keep ghosting you and you don't know why?

In this episode,

I'll break down the top three dating mistakes I see as a love coach and the underlying limiting beliefs so you can break free from these patterns and find a devoted relationship with Mr.

Right.

Let's go!

Welcome to the Stop Chasing Unavailable Guys podcast where I teach single women over 40 the fastest path to find Mr.

Right so you can stop wasting time on emotionally unavailable guys.

I'm your host,

Truly Eleanor,

And I'm here to give you the tools to find the love you desire.

After years of coaching women worldwide and breaking my own patterns to find Mr.

Right in my 40s,

I know love is closer than you think.

Let's get started.

Welcome to this episode.

I'm so excited to be talking about some really important things.

The top three dating mistakes that you need to stop doing immediately if you're over 40 and want to find Mr.

Right.

These are the three dating mistakes I've discovered over years of coaching women around the world and also what I went through and the things I was doing to keep myself stuck and going around in circles.

I just want you to sit back and relax and kind of tune in and think about,

Does this sound like me?

Do I,

Am I doing this?

And just kind of check in.

You don't really have to,

This is not about shaming yourself or judging yourself about doing this.

Believe me,

I was doing all of these things.

This is about awareness and that's really one of the most important things around my let love in technique and how we go in depth in working with limiting beliefs and healing them in my pinch me love course and working with clients.

But for now,

I just want you to kind of look at what is the first step is awareness.

What am I doing that might be getting in my way?

Mistake number one is you go on a date and you're having coffee with some guy and he's sitting across from you and you're like,

Oh my God,

I feel a spark.

This is it.

We're like star-crossed lovers.

I cannot believe how I feel right now.

It's literally perfect and everything is going so well and you feel this excitement that is just pumping through your veins like adrenaline.

This is how you distinguish between getting excited and kind of like,

Oh,

This has got potential versus what I'm talking about now.

And it's really feeling like you are full of adrenaline.

You're super excited and pumped,

But it's not really a feeling of safety.

So you're there,

You're at your coffee date and you're like,

This is,

Oh my God,

I feel a spark.

I'm so excited about this and this is it no matter what.

Then he starts talking about things and you're like,

Hmm,

Well,

He is going through a messy divorce,

But that's okay.

He's still perfect for me.

I can see a future together.

Well,

He works seven days a week.

That's a little problematic,

But still,

I feel this amazing spark.

This could not be wrong.

This is it no matter what.

And you continue to do that no matter what the guy is saying.

So as the red flags start piling up in front of you,

You're like,

Yeah,

But this is,

I can't ignore the spark.

I feel such an amazing feeling inside of me and I've got to pay attention to this.

Now let's fast forward to the underlying limiting belief so that you can get a better understanding of what might be going on.

So the limiting belief is this need for excitement.

You may say to yourself,

Well,

Even though I don't like to admit it,

I get a thrill with being with Mr.

Available or trying to catch the attention of someone who is not emotionally available.

There's an element of drama and excitement in him that I don't think Mr.

Right would have.

So it's a feeling that there wouldn't be this exciting,

Adventurous relationship with Mr.

Right.

He'd be boring and safe and grounded and all of these things that you don't particularly,

You do want it,

But there's a part of you that doesn't want that.

You want that drama and excitement.

So that's the underlying limiting belief,

Which makes you turn against or ignore these red flags that are piling up because you've convinced yourself,

Well,

No,

I feel this spark.

I really,

You know,

This is it no matter what.

So I want you to take a moment to see if you've done this in the past and really be honest with yourself because it takes courage to have that awareness and face those things that you might be doing that are taking you in the wrong direction.

Do you have that need for excitement?

Whether it's something that you're conscious of or not,

Sometimes immediately you'll say,

Well,

Yeah,

I think I do.

Or maybe you need to take some time after this episode and journal about it and just kind of really tune in.

Do I have that part of me that likes that excitement,

That likes things to be a little bit close to the edge and see if that feels like you.

So now you've got the two pieces.

The mistake is really,

Well,

I feel a spark.

And so this is it.

This must mean something really big.

And so I have to stick with this no matter what.

That's the mistake.

Just because you feel a spark doesn't mean you have to continue,

Especially as the red flags,

You know,

Start piling up.

You do not have to stick with that person.

And you can just say,

Well,

Is it my need for excitement?

Because there is a way to heal that and unravel that and go really in depth.

And like I said,

That's what we do in my pinch me love and using my let love in technique,

Which we're going to be actually going through the pieces of that in the coming episodes of this season one.

So watch out for those as well.

Second mistake.

I need to give it a chance and love his potential,

Not his actions and how I feel around him.

So here's another example.

You're on your date and you're sitting across from him and you're like,

Well,

I see some things that kind of bother me,

But I have to really give this a chance.

Maybe he's just processing right now and he hasn't been this vulnerable in years or he needs a bit of time to get used to opening up.

Once he sees how amazing this could be,

He'll he'll include me and totally change his lifestyle or plans or change his personality.

You know,

I'm being a little facetious,

But sometimes we just really want to give someone a chance so badly.

Again,

The red flags are piling up beside us like,

You know,

Mount Everest.

And we're like,

Wow,

You know,

That's just him right now.

Or maybe he's just this or that.

And you start to really giving making excuses for the person because you want you have this need to give the person a chance against all odds.

And again,

This is where you don't have to give a person a million chances.

The underlying limiting belief here is scarcity.

It's like,

Well,

There isn't enough choice because of my age,

My city,

My circumstances,

My lifestyle.

I've heard a lot of women say to me like,

Well,

I'm in such and such city,

X,

Y,

Z city like New York City or whatever it is.

There's no men here.

There's no one my age.

Or if someone is my age,

They don't like me.

They want a younger woman.

So you could have all kinds of reasons for that feeling of scarcity.

And there's even a scarcity around feeling like,

Well,

I have so many wants and I'm very unique and my limitations within myself make the dating pool shrink to nothing.

So therefore,

What are you going to do knowing that there's scarcity or having this belief that there's scarcity?

You start going,

Well,

I better just really give him a chance.

And you go to the extreme with this.

You don't again,

Don't have to give someone a million chances.

Do not fall in love with potential.

You've probably heard this said a million times,

But I really wanted to put it into a context for you to see it in real time and how it can show up.

Because what you really need to be focusing on are his actions,

What he's saying and doing,

And most importantly,

How you feel around him.

If you're,

You know,

Your red flags,

Your things are going off,

Your intuition is saying,

This is really not my thing,

But I'm giving him a chance.

You got to go back and listen to that.

This is not my thing.

And work with that limiting belief of scarcity to unravel it so that you're not living by that sense of scarcity.

And you're leaning into the possibilities.

The possibilities of finding love are infinite,

But we have to be in that space of being like,

If this person is not for me,

I go on to the next person.

Like my Nana used to always say,

If this is not for me next,

You know,

Next.

So that's the kind of energy you want to get into.

It's like,

Who's next?

And I need to find someone that deserves me.

And who is,

You know,

Who fulfills my expectations of what I'm looking for and not what he might do or turn into or the potential.

And I wanted to just kind of look at this saying that I have.

Mr.

Right doesn't run.

So if someone is acting really unavailable,

They're not talking about themselves,

They're closed off,

They're acting weird,

They're not answering your text messages.

And you have this scarcity thing in your mind like,

Well,

This could be the guy.

And what if I just give up this chance and this potential and turn that around and say,

No,

I'm not going to live in that scarcity mindset and how he's acting and how I feel around him or how I feel about him when I think about him is not up to par and I don't feel good about it.

So next.

All right.

So let's move on to mistake number three.

This happens with a lot of women I've worked with and myself included is that need to be compassionate and understanding,

You know,

So you have this view of yourself or you really have this this drive to be a certain way,

Which is wonderful to have that motivation to be really compassionate and understanding.

But in this case,

You do that at the expense of yourself.

So the mistake number three is I need to be compassionate and understanding again,

No matter what.

This is the you know,

In parentheses,

It's always no matter what.

No,

The the actual truth is you only need to be compassionate and understanding to a certain degree,

To a certain point.

You don't have to take it to the nth degree and do it that way.

So here's another example.

You're on your date and you're like,

Well,

He's saying this long story about his ex and he's really seems still angry or whatever it is,

Or he's getting triggered by things you're saying.

And you're like,

But he's been through so much,

You know,

His he's still heartbroken and he's never learned to open up and all of these things.

And again,

You don't have to be their therapist and you don't have to say,

Oh,

I'm going to just really be compassionate right now.

You can take this principle,

You can be compassionate and understanding to the degree that you are willing to do it with your boundaries.

And again,

With the idea that there are lots of guys out there who would love to be with you and you don't have to go on this kind of wild goose chase to chase after someone who's really not available.

The underlying limiting belief for this one is settling.

It's almost like you have a sense of giving up,

Like I don't want to make the effort or I'm too tired to go through this whole process of finding someone who's high quality or right for me.

So I'll go for this guy because it's easier.

I'll just make this work.

And,

You know,

There's probably a part B to this as well as a feeling of your identity is so tied into being compassionate,

Understanding that you are cutting yourself off at the knees,

Because,

Again,

You don't you can still be a compassionate and understanding person without sacrificing yourself,

Without settling for something that is never going to come to fruition.

And,

You know,

If we look at this in the big picture,

This is why I have this podcast is to talk to you about these things that you're doing to yourself and get you to realize that and start changing these underlying limiting beliefs and start working with them and healing them in depth so that you can start taking actions and dating in a way that is going to get you what you want and to stop wasting the time on these unavailable people,

These guys who are not going to change.

So Mr.

Right doesn't run.

Here's another thing I want you to take away.

You can never love the unavailable guy enough to turn him into Mr.

Right.

So really take that one to heart.

You cannot pour your love and compassion and understanding so much into someone that they suddenly become Mr.

Right.

Because the last thing I want you to hear is nearly Mr.

Right is not Mr.

Right.

Okay,

So it's like that nearly there.

We're nearly there.

Seven out of ten or six or five or whatever out of ten.

So that's good enough.

We'll just work with what we have.

And again,

That's falling back into the scarcity mindset,

Falling into the settling mindset and beliefs.

And so we really need to be aware when we're doing that.

And some of the best tips or tools that you can do at this point is really tune into how you feel when you are around this person and how you feel when you are thinking about this person.

And that will give you some huge clues.

And that's where you need to really focus and not on these other beliefs and mistakes that are taking you in the opposite direction.

And of course,

I'm really saying this all in one way is like the biggest mistake or myth is that you can magically change someone who's not right for you and into someone who is right for you.

So that is the shift I want you to make today.

And I want you to really think about that.

So which one do you feel the most resonant with?

Is it mistake number one where you feel a spark and this is it no matter what and the underlying belief is the need for excitement?

Or is it mistake number two?

I need to give it a chance and love his potential.

And the underlying belief is scarcity.

Or is it number three,

The settling,

I need to be compassionate understanding because I need to settle.

I just don't really have the energy to go into this to find the right person.

And it takes so much work.

And I've gone through this and been disappointed in the past.

So I really just want to go with what's in front of me.

That is settling.

And once you have an idea,

Like you,

You can do a journaling exercise,

You can think back to some dates you've had,

You can see what the pattern is.

One of the things I love to do around awareness is looking at what are the main patterns that I see happening over and over again in my dates?

Am I constantly disappointed?

Am I feeling like,

Oh,

I just need to be nicer or kinder to this person,

Or just getting that adrenaline rush from someone who is a little bit dangerous,

A little bit of drama?

Am I drawn to that?

And ask yourself these questions.

And you're going to probably open up a whole new world of awareness and beliefs and things that you weren't really,

You kind of knew you were doing.

But now that you're thinking about it,

You're like,

Wow,

This is sort of my thing that I am doing.

Then I would say congratulations,

Because now you're on an exciting journey,

What I call the Shiro's journey of discovering yourself of loving your true self,

Being your true self when you are looking for love.

And that's how you ultimately become super magnetic to exactly what you want in life.

In love is by really discovering and uncovering these things that may have been hidden,

Like blind spots,

And bringing them to the light and saying,

I'm going to look at this,

And I'm going to love myself through this.

And I'm going to start making new choices.

I'm going to bring in some new beliefs.

And I'm going to see what happens once I start to move towards what I truly desire.

And so I hope this episode has been helpful today.

I really feel like we broke some new ground,

Some exciting things that we uncovered today.

And our next episodes are going to be based on the worst dating advice for women over 40,

Parts one,

Two,

And three.

So as you can imagine,

There's so much bad dating advice out there that I really had to break it down into three episodes.

If you feel like you're just getting this really crazy advice,

Or you're hearing these really strange things from the internet,

From other coaches,

From whatever it is,

Even friends and family,

You're going to want to listen to these episodes so that you can be more discerning and make sure that you are not following the worst dating advice for women over 40.

I hope you have an amazing day and evening,

Whatever time it is for you.

And I can't wait to join you or have you join me on the next episode.

And remember,

Love is closer than you think.