Finding A Love That Lasts: Ep 11

In episode 11 of the Stop Chasing Unavailable Guys Podcast, host Truly Eleanor shares the final step of her Let Love In framework: Trusting in Your Heart and Connecting to Your True Self. Designed for women over 40 who are tired of chasing unavailable men, this episode focuses on breaking unhealthy patterns and reconnecting with your authentic desires.

Eleanor shares client success stories and practical steps to celebrate yourself, manifest what you truly want, and live your truth in love. By trusting your intuition and letting go of control, you’ll naturally attract the love you deserve. Tune in for inspiration and tools to start your journey toward meaningful, lasting love!

Transcript

If you're dating after 40 and you're struggling to find Mr.

Right because you keep chasing unavailable guys,

In this episode we'll talk about the framework I've used to go from single hot mess express to married to the love of my life in my 40s and what I've been teaching my clients as a love coach for 15 years.

Stay tuned for part three of my framework to turn your dating method into the fastest path to find Mr.

Right.

Let's get started.

Welcome to the Stop Chasing Unavailable Guys podcast where I teach single women over 40 the fastest path to find Mr.

Right so you can stop wasting time on emotionally unavailable guys.

I'm your host,

Truly Eleanor,

And I'm here to give you the tools to find the love you desire.

After years of coaching women worldwide and breaking my own patterns to find Mr.

Right in my 40s,

I know love is closer than you think.

Let's get started.

Welcome,

Everyone,

To this exciting episode.

This is the third part in my three-part series talking about my let love in technique.

That is what I really call the fastest path to find Mr.

Right because you're not going to get stuck,

You know,

Chasing those unavailable guys.

You're not going to sabotage yourself.

You're going to learn how to let love in.

So let's get started.

So let's get started on part three.

This part three is called,

This is the end part,

So trust in your heart and connect to your true self.

That's what we're going to be talking about today.

It really teaches you how to go from your head to your heart and start trusting your intuition when it comes to love and life.

And this is,

Of course,

A process.

It takes the time that it's going to take and you can see and actually track your life and how the results come about when you start using this method.

You'll actually see the difference.

You'll feel the difference and you'll observe people interacting with you in a different way,

In a more loving way.

Even if you feel like,

You know,

Maybe you've been surrounded by people who aren't very loving,

You might start to see some very interesting changes.

I can't guarantee it,

But it's happened so many times,

I will say that it can happen for you as well.

I wanted to tell you first about a client's story and someone I worked with.

Before she connected to her true self,

She did have a habit,

As most of my clients do and what I was doing myself,

Is chasing after men to validate her.

And she had never really felt seen or heard in that way to truly be herself.

And so she was seeking someone to see her,

But they were not the right guys for her.

The more she did the work of connection,

The more joy she had,

The more confidence she had.

And then she was able to meet someone who was better than she could have ever imagined,

And that's how she describes it,

And felt so seen and heard for the very first time.

And as I was saying,

These are the kind of results that you can have.

And it's just even connecting to your true self and feeling completely at home within yourself.

That is the most beautiful and,

You know,

That's a result within itself that could be worthwhile,

You know,

Just for a whole entire lifetime of feeling for once in your life at home within yourself.

And that's what we're talking about today,

Is connecting to who you really are.

I had another client who she was dating and she wanted to try online dating.

And she had so much childhood trauma that actually she would have physical reactions that would make her feel ill before she would open the apps.

She would actually have a visceral reaction when she signed on to the dating apps.

She would feel,

Start to feel nauseous and dizzy and sick.

And so we worked,

You know,

Through this process and to help her connect to who she is and her true self and how she wanted to actually live her life.

And she was able to create more space and a sense of play in her interactions on the app.

And those really extreme symptoms started to fade away.

And she was able to actually even enjoy some of the dates that she went on.

So this is a very powerful process and a really important piece to wrap up today with part three.

So the question we can start with is,

Why do we need to be connected to our true self?

And what does it really mean anyway?

And how does it affect you when you're not connected to your true self,

When you're not trusting yourself,

Or you have a lot of self-doubt?

Maybe you've been taught to doubt yourself.

You've been taught or discouraged to look inside and see who you really are.

Maybe you had to take care of your parents.

Maybe you had to,

You know,

You had too many things going on growing up and in your childhood.

And it was discouraged for you to actually connect to yourself in a way that was very meaningful.

And so growing up,

Maybe looking back,

You're wondering,

You know,

Who am I really?

And maybe you've,

You're listening to this and you've been through some relationships that are very traumatic or disappointing and feeling like you're just running through this merry-go-round of one unhealthy or unhappy relationship after another and wondering,

Who am I really in all of this?

And what do I want?

What is my heart telling me,

My heart's desires?

What is my soul telling me,

If that's what you believe in?

You know,

You can use your own framework of whatever spirituality or religion that you have come to know and feel good with.

You can use that as a framework for this process today.

So to answer the second part of this,

How does it affect you to not be connected to your true self?

Well,

Some examples is you can easily be duped by maybe narcissists or someone who doesn't have the best intention or who is saying one thing and doing another.

You can really get caught up in the story,

The fantasy,

The romance.

So I used to be obsessed with like Disney love stories and a lot of the fantasy of The One and just,

You know,

A lot of the rom-coms encourage this kind of belief system in this amazing whirlwind romance that is full of a lot of holes in the story.

And just as a caveat,

I still do really enjoy watching those rom-coms,

But I don't have the sense of investment in or a belief system in the fantasy as much.

I want the reality.

And that's what I actually had to shift,

Connecting into my heart and my true self.

I wanted to experience the reality,

The day-to-day life of,

You know,

Building a life with someone and being in love day-to-day.

And what does that mean every single day in a practical way in your own life right here and right now?

And I started to move away from that fantasy.

So going back to,

You know,

Being disconnected and not really knowing who you are,

You're getting duped or almost caught up in this potential,

This amazing,

Fantastical romance type of energy and saying to yourself,

Well,

I want that fairy tale.

I,

You know,

The other thing is that you start to trust others over yourself.

You will listen to what someone's saying and ignore what they're doing.

So if they're saying,

I really want to be in a relationship and I've never felt this way before in my entire life,

And I'm so overwhelmed with love for you.

And yet they don't,

They aren't trustworthy.

They don't show up when they say they're going to show up.

They don't call you when they say they're going to call you.

They back out of dates.

They don't introduce you to their friends.

And yet when you see them every time,

They will say,

I'm so in love with you.

And I can't wait to have this amazing romance with you.

And there's this disconnect,

But you tend to believe them because you have this disconnection within yourself.

So this is kind of what it looks like.

I'm trying to lay out some real life examples of maybe you can tune in for yourself and see,

Have I been doing this?

Have I been experiencing this?

Another way that shows up is you date people you don't like,

Or that don't really like you.

I can't tell you how many times I've talked to a woman and she says,

You know,

I really am trying to go on this date with this guy and I don't really know if I like him,

But I just want to make this happen.

I want to make this work.

I want to prove that I can do this.

And if they sat down and really thought about it,

They would realize they don't even want this person.

They don't like them.

Or the opposite,

Which is even more painful,

Which you would describe as unrequited love,

Where you just chase after someone,

Where you're like,

No,

I really know,

I can feel it in my bones that this is the one,

He's the one,

This is it,

Star-crossed lovers.

And the difference here is you're plugged into that potential.

You're plugged into the fantasy.

And so you may be,

You know,

Getting the sense that this guy is the one,

But you're actually plugged into something that's not real.

And if you were fully grounded and connected to your true self,

You would immediately know and immediately feel the difference,

The disconnect.

You would know,

It would be like eyes wide open.

You're going into this and realizing,

Wow,

This guy doesn't like me.

He's,

You know,

Maybe saying all the right things,

But he doesn't really show up for me.

And he doesn't have those feelings for me that he says that he has.

And we don't really know the truth and realize and know on a deep level,

All these truths with a capital T until we're connected to our true self.

Your true self is the part of you that knows all the answers,

That knows what's going on underneath the surface,

Can feel,

You know,

Can really tap into all of that intuitive sense,

That knowing within you that you have.

And your heart,

It connects to your heart to tell you,

You know,

My heart is saying,

I don't really,

I'm not into this.

This is not for me.

And why am I doing this?

Why am I spending so much energy trying to do this or make this work?

Okay.

So I think we get the idea of what happens when we're not connected to ourselves,

How it affects you.

And,

You know,

You're maybe constantly saying after dates,

I don't feel a connection.

That can be a huge clue.

And I do hear that a lot as well as,

Well,

I didn't feel a connection.

And that's always a big clue for me and kind of an indicator that you need to do some work on connecting to yourself because what would actually happen if you were really,

Really connected to your true self is you would always feel connected to your desire,

To your truth,

To what you truly want.

And you would immediately say,

Well,

I can see this person as he's a great guy and he's got a lot going for himself,

But he's not the right person for me.

And that's how you would describe it.

That's how you would feel or know the truth.

And because we can deeply connect to people that we're not meant to be with,

We are,

You know,

As people,

We are capable of deeply connecting emotionally to other people and to having those moments where we're like,

I feel so resonant with this person.

I feel so,

You know,

That heart to heart feeling.

But that doesn't mean that he's the guy for you.

It just means that you are very capable of connecting in that way to other people,

Regardless of who they are or whether they're meant for you.

So that's another thing you need to remember is discernment.

Just acknowledging like I have this skill to really connect to people on a soul level,

On a deep level.

That to me,

That is my ability.

That is my skill.

But it doesn't mean that they need to be my boyfriend now or my husband.

It just means that I can connect with them.

And the next question is,

Do I want to be with them?

Do I like them?

Do they,

Are they someone that I want to spend time with to get to know,

To see if there is a real connection in the sense of building a life together?

So the next piece is how,

How do you do this?

How do you trust in your heart and cultivate a deep connection with yourself?

It starts with a willingness to follow your heart,

Your guidance,

And bravely go towards your true desires.

You can ask yourselves,

Do I want to spend the next few months,

Years,

Whatever time frame it is,

Going around in circles and wasting my time and wasting my energy on,

On guys who are not showing up and who I don't really like and I'm not connected to?

Or do I want to fully allow my heart and my true self to guide me?

Am I willing to let go of that control,

That sense of certainty?

We have to give a little bit of that up.

We have to,

So,

You know,

Raise your hand if you're a control freak.

This is going to be hard.

I know this from personal experience.

It's very difficult to get out of your head that is telling you,

You know,

We've got to do this and then this and then this.

And then we're going to go do this and this and this.

And you've got your plan.

You've maybe got your five-year plan.

You've got your,

Well,

These are the steps I need to take and this is what I'm doing.

You need to let go of the reins of that a little bit.

You're still going to have your plan.

You still need your brain.

You still need to function and focus,

Obviously,

Day-to-day life stuff and planning and all of that fun stuff.

But you need to open up that space to allow the uncertainty,

To allow the surprise,

Allow the universe to delight and surprise you.

That's a message that's come up repeatedly and I think in the last year it's been ever more important.

It's like allowing the universe to surprise and delight you.

If you're holding on for dear life and you're like,

No,

I've got to do it this way and I'm going to meet someone and it's not going to be on a dating app and I hate dating apps and I'm not going to go on them and I'm just going to go out and do this and I know for a fact that I'm going to meet someone in real life and that's the only thing I'm willing to do.

If you've got that kind of a closed willingness or energy about you,

Then the universe is like,

Say the universe wants to be like,

Hey,

Let's go on this dating app and then you meet someone right away.

It may make it a little more difficult to,

You know,

Let the universe give you what it wants to give you and that takes letting go of the reins,

Letting go of control.

Okay,

So some practical ways that we can do this is what I like to call,

Number one,

To celebrate yourself and express yourself.

So when you're missing a deeper connection with yourself and a feeling of home within,

You can't really express your greatest talents,

Abilities,

And your special essence,

That je ne sais quoi,

The part of you that's like unique.

And so the solution,

Of course,

Is using simple ways to connect deeply to yourself and feel at home with you.

And then,

Of course,

You can't help but shine like the bright light you truly are.

Some ways to do this would be just really focus on making a decision or a commitment,

I call it,

Of ways to self-express on a regular basis.

So this is where you can do some planning and you can do some practical stuff with your brain and get organized and say,

Well,

Every Thursday after dinner,

I'm going to do some self-expressing.

This could be baking,

Cooking,

Painting,

Singing,

Or chanting.

It could be writing poetry,

Building things.

Maybe you've got sort of those collector's items that you want to build or dancing.

And I want to really say here that you can do any of these things badly.

It's not the fact that you're good at it.

Like a lot of people have cut themselves off from self-expression by saying,

Oh,

I'm not an artist.

Oh,

I'm not creative.

I don't know how to cook.

I can't bake.

I'm terrible at this.

The act of actually self-expressing is the important part.

This is not about perfectionism.

This is not about being all of a sudden Olympic gold medalist in baking or whatever,

Or being like the top dancer of the world.

You're going to do it badly,

But it's moving that energy.

It's the movement of the energy out into the world.

That is the important part.

You can imagine yourself like when you're expressing,

It's your energy is going out into the world.

You're becoming a part of the outside world.

You're making a mark.

You're leaving your essence and making an impact.

That's the way you need to think of self-expression.

It's not about any end results or even what you are creating.

You can do some just terrible poetry and write and be like,

This is the worst poetry I've ever read and laugh about it.

And that's another form of self-expression.

It's like,

I'm going to laugh at how bad I am at poetry,

But I'm going to do it every week.

Okay,

So that's number one.

Number two is looking at manifestation.

If you're into that,

Manifesting your desires.

Unless you know your deep desires and can feel them in your body and your heart,

You won't be able to really create exactly what you want.

So the solution here is to connect with your heart's desires and your big vision that you want to manifest your dream life and what you want to actually see come to life with your love life,

With the love of your life.

It could be something that's really juicy that you want to be in a relationship with someone who's going to help you change the world.

Or you've got this big vision for yourself where you're going to have an animal sanctuary and do it together or write books together or whatever it is.

You are creating a bigger vision for yourself and your life with this person.

So you can do this in many ways.

There's no real right or wrong for this.

You can do a drawing,

You can do a vision board where you cut out magazine pictures and put them on your vision board.

You can draw,

You can just write out words within a circle like the words of how you want to feel or some of the,

You know,

Maybe having a retreat space or a sanctuary for animals together.

You can write those words out and just look at this map and say,

Wow,

This is my manifestation for my relationship and what I want to see that we create together.

And you can say it out loud.

A great way to be is to look at your picture or your words,

Your manifestation circle,

And read the things out loud,

Speak it into the world,

Visualize your heart and your throat connecting,

And feel that energy running through your body.

And doing that on a regular basis is an extremely powerful way to get really connected to your heart and to your true self.

And the last piece,

Last example of what you can do is live your truth in love.

So ultimately,

If we're afraid to be ourselves and we want to cater or we have this habit or issue of catering to others' expectations and rules,

We can't live a life that is meant for us.

We can't find community and a support system that helps us thrive.

So the solution to this is to learn daily practices to move through the people pleasing tendencies,

Break ties to loved ones that are unhealthy or limit your interaction with them,

And taking back your energy,

Taking back your power so you can be you,

And finding your soul community so you can thrive within this loving support system,

And building your lifestyle day by day,

Even baby steps.

And so I,

Right before I met my husband,

I was creating my dream life.

I was,

You know,

Working with clients,

And I was creating programs,

And I was doing all of these amazing things,

And I was really at the height of my self-expression,

Of living my truth as a loving person,

As myself.

And that's when I met my husband.

So when I say to build your lifestyle,

You're building that vision that I talked about in number two,

And creating that space for it,

And making the tiny little steps to create it every day,

And working towards it.

So you're creating a life that makes room for the other person,

For an intimate partner,

For the love of your life.

So for example,

I'll ask clients and women I've worked with,

If you had a boyfriend,

Would you have time for them?

Or if you had someone who was really special in your life,

Would you have time for them right now,

Right here,

If you didn't make a change at all?

If you didn't do anything different,

Would you have room in your house?

Would they be able to stay over?

Would they have room in the closet,

In the drawers,

And in your life?

And so if your life is packed full of stuff,

Of schedule,

Of things,

Of staying busy,

Then the answer is no,

You do not have the space.

So you have to create the space in your calendar for someone to come in to be with you,

Not squeeze them or pigeonhole them into your life.

You have to make the space first.

So I hope this has been helpful in ways to connect to your true self,

And I wanted to leave us with some reflective questions that you can just really think about,

Tune into,

Or you can,

At a later time,

Do some journaling around this.

So I want you to brain dump all your fears around connecting with your true authentic self,

Or what comes up right now when you think about connecting to who you truly are.

It's an interesting phenomenon,

But a lot of times we actually are afraid to be with ourself,

To be with that deep connected part of ourselves.

So it's good to actually name the fears and be aware of them.

So you can do that as an exercise,

Or even just right now,

Whatever's coming up for you is no right or wrong answer.

And second question,

Why is it important to have this true connection?

Last week,

We talked about true acceptance as the ticket to freedom,

And from a place of connection,

You can then form deep loving bonds and connections within a love relationship.

So once we've opened up that acceptance and the forgiveness in all its many forms,

And that is a work in progress,

But once we've started to create that space,

Then you can deeply plug into yourself in a much more,

It's in a much easier way,

And experience this lasting love that you're looking for,

Starting within yourself,

And then you will be available for somebody else in that way.

And how will it change your life when you fully connect to yourself?

What will you be available for once you connect to yourself completely?

I'll leave you with those thoughts,

And you can spend some time maybe just closing your eyes,

If you can do that,

Or jotting down some answers,

Or just spending some time within yourself right now with journaling.

Maybe you can make a few decisions today,

Like,

I think I'm going to decide to express myself,

And I'm going to start this weekly routine of self-expression,

Or I'm going to do some guided meditations to connect into myself,

Or whatever it is.

Make some choices and decisions today,

And start this process of letting love in.

And I hope this has been helpful for you.

I am so happy to have you here,

And I can't wait to join you next week.

Thanks for listening,

And remember,

Love is closer than you think.