To paint a picture for you,
It was 2014.
I was living on the north shore of Massachusetts,
Attending a private college.
I was walking across a beautiful,
Well-kept campus on my way back to the dorm from clinical.
I was a third-year athletic training student.
In that moment,
I couldn't tell I was in a dark place.
But looking back,
I was.
I thought I was on track,
Doing everything I was supposed to be doing.
Going to class,
Doing my work,
Studying all hours of the night,
Partying a few nights a week.
The college experience,
Right?
Quote-unquote,
Living the dream.
I can see myself walking down the road to my dorm,
Probably with dark circles under my eyes.
Day four of wearing the same khaki pants and athletic training polo.
I imagined that I only had nine hours of sleep total for the week.
I was unconsciously abusing my attention deficit disorder medication to maintain my fast-paced lifestyle.
At the time,
I didn't know there was something wrong or that what I was doing wasn't healthy.
My autopilot had been on for months,
Maybe even a few years.
It's hard to say.
As I walked,
I received a call from my friend.
Seeing her face come up on my phone made me hesitate.
She was calling me again?
She was trying to get me to go to that meditation group again.
She had tried for weeks on end now,
And I didn't want to budge.
I had zero desire to go.
I had been hiding behind my closed mind and social programming.
Growing up,
My parents did not raise us in a religious home.
I thought,
In order to be a meditator,
I had to believe in some higher power,
Holy Spirit or something.
I had this story in my head that in order to be a meditator,
I had to think of nothing at all,
Speak in a slow,
Monotone voice,
And wear all white linens as I floated through life.
Every time my friend called,
We would talk and catch up,
But I would always reject her invites,
No matter how nice or persuasive she was.
I let the phone ring a few times,
Then finally picked up last second.
We had a brief exchange of small talk,
And then she invited me again.
I can't meditate,
Dude,
I complained.
My ADD won't let me.
Tor,
She said,
Please come,
The people that you will meet are amazing.
I told her,
I can hardly sit still in class,
Let alone sit in a circle with strangers and clear my mind of all thoughts.
No friggin' chance.
She gently persisted,
Sensing that my mind was glued shut.
Okay,
How about this,
She negotiated,
I'll come pick you up on campus,
And we can just go and check it out.
If you hate it,
We will never go again,
I won't even bring it up.
But at least you gave it a shot.
Come on,
It would mean a lot to me.
Okay,
I could consider doing it for her,
But not for me,
And it would be nice to get off campus.
I guess I could get on board with that.
Fine,
I said,
I'll go.
I really don't think I can do it,
Though.
I can hardly sit still in class or for a car ride.
Deal,
She squealed,
I'll pick you up at six.
I hung up the phone.
The next night arrived,
I got in the car with my friend,
Physically rigid and with a locked up mind.
A perfect way to show up to a space with new faces,
Huh?
At that time,
I didn't believe in miracles,
And I didn't even really know what they were or how they would show up if they did exist.
We arrived to a warm,
Beautiful home not too far from campus.
As we stepped inside,
All I saw were smiling faces.
A mix of age,
Gender,
And race,
And no one was wearing white linens.
I remember sitting in the circle on a beautiful handmade sequin pillow that was a combination of bright reds,
Oranges,
And turquoisey blues.
Although I was making a few observations,
Imagine my mind taking on the persona of an old man.
Huffing and puffing,
Moaning and groaning,
These damn kids kind of air about it.
I didn't want to be there.
I didn't see the point,
And I didn't want to give it a chance.
I was doing it for my friend.
She was right,
I guess.
I didn't know what I didn't know,
And I should give it a shot.
The meditation itself was challenging.
I remember maintaining rigidity throughout my body.
I remember pains manifesting in my upper back and down into my legs.
I remember feeling so restricted.
I also recall talking shit to myself,
Saying that I wasn't doing it right,
Or,
Ugh,
There you go thinking again,
Clear your mind,
Tor.
And again,
Was telling myself that this was pointless.
At the end of the meditation,
The facilitators came around the circle and gently placed their hands on our heads one by one,
Giving us some sort of blessing.
There I went again,
Talking shit.
Probably something like,
What is this woo woo nonsense?
And off I trailed.
After we left the group,
My friend asked me how it went.
I was completely exhausted.
I felt like I didn't have an ounce of anything left in me.
Drained and feeling worthless,
I just wanted to go to bed.
Maybe I could sleep this off.
Fast forward to the next morning.
The alarm went off.
I reached over,
Turned it off,
And slowly allowed light to start to flood my vision.
I saw the shadows from the trees outside casting against the ceiling.
I began to notice the small details in picture frames and trinkets on the bookshelf across the room.
My mind was quiet.
I sat up,
Put my feet on the floor,
And walked over to the bedroom door,
Slowly opening it with curiosity.
I peered around it and saw the light coming into the kitchen window,
Flowing down,
Casting a beam down onto the counters and floor.
Something about the moment felt different to me.
In fact,
I could actually feel the moment.
I noticed peace and stillness in the house.
I had been in that apartment a hundred times,
But I had never seen it like this.
I honestly felt like I had woken up from a dream.
I recall being in awe and slightly shook from the beauty I was observing.
All throughout the day,
Stunned by the number of shades of green I saw in the trees.
I was even noticing people's facial expressions as I went home from my friend's place.
Over the next few days,
I was really present in my life,
Actively engaging my body and mind in everything I did.
It was almost as if a switch had been flicked in my mind,
Turning on my awareness.
The quality of my life had slowly begun to shift.
Let's pause here for a moment.
This is not what everyone's individual journey may look like.
But for me,
My dark place was causing a deep state of autopilot that was only relieved by receiving a nudge and taking a risk.
That nudge and so-called risk was meditation,
And it led me to see the light again.
This leads me to my why in creating this album.
Why would I take the time out of my life to channel,
Write,
Record,
Edit,
And produce this entire album?
The reason is you.
I remember when I was at my bottom and there was no one there to tell me how to dig myself out.
No one there to help me recognize that what I was doing wasn't healthy.
There was no one to equip me with tools to navigate.
It is a part of my life's purpose and mission to bring those tools to you that no one brought to me.
I believe that a small beacon of light can help guide us to the surface,
Guide us back to our truth,
Out of the darkness,
And into the light.
It would be a disservice if I were to keep what I know to myself.
So my friend,
This album,
Rise,
Is for you.
