Taking Back Your Power

This is a short talk for tweens and teens about the importance of mindfulness and responding versus reacting. You do not have to believe everything you hear. You have the power to choose what you believe and thus, avoid the potentially negative mental, emotional and physical reactions in your body that can cause you pain. This talk explores how you can mindfully take back your power.

Transcript

So,

I watched Karate Kid 2 last night and enjoyed an exchange between Daniel,

The karate student,

And his wise sensei Mr Miyagi.

There's a scene where someone calls Mr Miyagi a coward and he simply walks away.

And Daniel cannot understand why he doesn't address the situation.

And Daniel says,

Doesn't that bother you?

And Miyagi says,

Why should it?

And Daniel says,

Well,

People may believe it's true or something.

And Miyagi,

The wise sensei,

Says,

Daniel-san,

A lie becomes truth only if the person wants to believe it.

And the truth of that,

Pardon the pun,

Struck me quite hard.

I've certainly been guilty of worrying in the past that other people might believe things that have been said about me when I know them to be untrue.

And if it's happened to you,

It can be pretty uncomfortable,

Can't it?

We feel the weight of people staring at us.

We know that they're wondering about it.

We question what they must think of us.

And if this happens when we're in a relatively buoyant place,

Emotionally speaking,

Imagine how this feels when we find ourselves in a low place or when we're already suffering from crippling fears from anxiety or whatever.

It can really do a number on our mental health.

And some of you,

I imagine,

Know exactly what I'm talking about.

Now it's important to remember that if someone else chooses to believe the lie,

That even though that may become their truth,

It doesn't have to become mine or yours.

And if we can't do anything about what someone else thinks,

The obvious question is,

Why worry about it?

According to the marvellous Newt Scamander in JK Rowling's Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them,

Worrying just means you suffer twice.

Which is to say,

You suffer when you worry about something,

Which may or may not happen,

And then you might suffer again if the thing you're worrying about actually comes about.

So why not save yourself the worrying twice?

So I spoke to my tween son about a similar topic today,

But one which flips this subject slightly on its head.

What happens when someone tells you something that makes you sad or angry or upset?

So someone had told him that morning that he was a disappointment,

An idiot,

A waste of their time.

You get the gist.

And he'd gone through the rest of his day fretting and worrying about what an awful person he must be,

Because somebody took time out of their day to tell him so.

So he figured it must be true,

Otherwise why would they bother?

So I asked him this.

If that person,

Let's call him Bob,

Called my son an ugly girl,

Would he have been so upset?

And my son said,

No of course he wouldn't be upset.

It clearly wouldn't be true,

Because he wasn't a girl.

So I said,

So because you don't believe the statement is true,

You don't worry about it.

You just blow it off and move on with the rest of your day.

And he sort of nodded a bit tentatively.

So I said,

You chose to believe Bob when he said you were an idiot and a waste of space.

You gave the statement credibility and therefore invested emotionally in it.

And by investing in it emotionally,

Because you chose to believe it was true,

It caused you feelings of hurt and distress,

Which were stirred up in your body,

And then caused you physical pain,

Because he was saying he'd actually had stomach aches and headaches all day because of it.

And because he couldn't stop thinking about it and feeling it,

He couldn't enjoy the things he was looking forward to that day,

And it messed up his entire day.

So we must remember we almost always have a choice.

We don't automatically have to believe everything we hear.

We can make a conscious choice to listen,

To weigh the information,

And store it as either useful or useless to our learning,

Our day,

And ultimately our peace of mind.

I mean,

Imagine if we all made such an effort on a daily basis,

Whether with a piece of playground chatter or celebrity gossip,

The news,

Whatever,

If we choose not to believe every statement is fact,

Then that statement loses its power to become our truth.

And without that power,

The statement becomes simply an idea.

And an idea can be forgotten just as quickly as it arises.

Now our days are filled with news chatter,

Playground chatter,

Information received via social media channels and TV.

Why do we believe all of it?

Well part of the reason is that our dinosaur brains are wired to hold on to negative information more tenaciously than positive information,

As it's the negative that in times past kept us safe.

So our ancestors remembered where they were attacked by predators or where members of their tribe might have been shot by opposing tribes or where the berries that made them feel sick were hanging.

Their brains hung on to all these negative experiences to ensure their future safety,

And of course that makes perfect sense.

But we don't need to hold on to every single piece of negative information that our brains are forced to process.

Of course if we've been hurt by someone or something before,

It makes sense that we remember that hurt,

Not necessarily so that we can bear a grudge,

But so that we may decide,

Depending on the severity of that hurt,

How we respond going forward in dealing with it.

And I'm talking about on a massive sliding scale from complete avoidance to total forgiveness.

There's going to be a lot in between there,

Depending on the hurt.

But many of our current negative experiences don't stem from actual bodily harm or fear of death,

But rather from unkind words,

Untruths,

Petty grievances.

Yet our brains react in the same way as the brains of our ancestors by holding on to the feelings these negative experiences stimulate in us,

And we allow them to pollute and influence our physical and mental health.

This is what actually hurts us,

Rather than the words that have been spoken or written about us in the first place.

The more we react to something that has been said or done to us,

The more often it gives those words credibility.

As other people see us reacting and wade into the mix with their own thoughts and ideas.

I mean,

Here's an example.

Have you ever seen someone tripping over and laughed at them?

I mean,

It's funny,

Right?

When the person who has tripped reacts with anger or embarrassment and starts shouting or lashing out,

It makes it even funnier.

That's bad to say,

But it does.

A bigger crowd is drawn,

More comments and catcalls are made by more people,

And the person who tripped is left feeling even more foolish.

But imagine instead when the person who's tripped brushes themselves off and laughs,

Everyone goes about their business and the incident is quickly forgotten.

I mean,

I'm not for one moment suggesting that if someone has caused us hurt,

We should simply laugh it off and bury our true feelings inside.

What I'm recommending is that we don't hand over our power to them in that moment in order to cause us further hurt and suffering.

So you can always take the time to process your hurt in your own time in a way that's more beneficial to you.

And of course you should.

This is your power.

I wonder why we continue to do the same thing over and over,

Even though it doesn't give us the result we want,

Even though it often causes us physical,

Emotional,

Mental anguish.

Why do we listen to insults and unkindness from others and allow them power over our thoughts and ultimately our bodies and wellbeing?

As Albert Einstein himself once said,

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

He was a wise old,

Old bird that one.

It is only habit that keeps us going back to ingrained facets of behavior.

And we need to change our habits,

Question whether they're worthwhile and make the decision that if they aren't,

We can always change them.

Of course we can.

That power lies with us.

And if not us,

Then who?

It can be a difficult thing to do,

But it starts when you catch yourself doing it.

This is the beginning of mindfulness.

When we find ourselves paying attention to that teeny tiny moment in between the action and our reaction,

That tiny pause that might be all we need to think,

Wait a second,

I have a choice to make here.

So the next time someone says something unkind or unnecessary,

Ask yourself,

Do I want to believe that?

How does it serve me?

And if it doesn't,

Then thank them for their input.

If you feel you want to,

And like the wonderful Mr.

Miyagi,

Simply walk away.