Well,
Hello and welcome to day seven of the Boundaries Challenge.
I'm your host,
Terry Cole.
I'm a licensed psychotherapist,
A relationship expert,
And the author of Boundary Boss.
Yesterday we talked all about over giving and over functioning,
And today we're hitting one of my all time faves,
Auto advice giving,
Sometimes referred to as who asked you.
So let's get into it.
When someone is talking about a problem that they're having,
Do you feel immediately compelled to give your thoughts,
Your opinions,
Your previous experience,
Knowledge to help fix their problem quote unquote,
Or are you the person with the problem?
And are you allowing others to indiscriminately give you their unsolicited advice,
Opinions,
Or criticism?
Auto advice giving is a learned compulsive behavior that ultimately blocks or limits intimacy in our relationships.
It's literally when we cannot stop ourselves from giving someone else what we think is the answer to their problem.
We look at people as projects much of the time if we suffer from auto advice giving and someone else having a problem really,
Really makes you uncomfortable.
This behavior also falls into the category of unhealthy helping because unsolicited advice or criticism functions under the codependent assumption that you know what someone else should or shouldn't be doing with their life,
Right?
What they should be doing in their life or in any situation.
And trust me when I tell you,
I mastered this art in my twenties.
So seriously,
No judgment.
And listen,
This is not to say that you can never give input to anyone or that your input is not potentially valuable.
It is to say that compulsive advice giving takes away from your ability to know other people or to be truly known yourself.
It is a dysfunctional boundary behavior.
So I want to dive a little deeper.
I'm going to tell you kind of a personal story about this.
When I was diagnosed with cancer many years ago and I'm perfectly healthy now,
It was like a who asked you free for all.
People would endlessly be giving me unsolicited advice about treatment possibilities or what I should be eating or how I should be praying or worst of all,
Telling me long,
Horrific stories about the painful cancer death of their grandfather,
Their friend,
Their mother-in-law.
Seriously,
It was so unhelpful,
Made me so mad,
So upset because it made me feel like my cancer and me,
I was a problem to be fixed by them,
Which is ridiculous.
And listen,
People might justify this behavior by claiming that they just want to help.
They're just concerned.
They're just being honest,
Quote unquote.
So to be clear,
Giving unsolicited advice or criticism is not being concerned or honest.
It's being intrusive.
So what is the antidote to auto advice giving?
It's learning to ask expansive questions instead of jumping in with auto advice or auto fixing.
Learn how to pause and ask questions instead.
In this way,
You respect the other person's autonomy.
So the next time someone comes to you with a problem,
Instead of automatically giving them advice,
Try out one of these expensive questions you can say,
What does your gut instinct say?
How do you feel about it?
What do you think you should do?
Your gut is good.
You trust your gut instinct.
And then just be silent and wait.
Allow the people in your life to talk.
Let them share with you honestly.
And in the beginning,
It might be hard to do,
But the more you practice,
The easier it gets.
And remember,
This is what it's really based on.
The truth is that you do not know what anyone else should be doing.
What matters most is them coming to their own answers or you coming to your own answers if you're the one who's always getting auto advice given to.
These kinds of questions are supportive without overstepping boundaries or compromising another person's sovereignty.
So let's dive into today's mindful action.
I want you to think about last few days,
Last week maybe,
And make a list of every bit of unsolicited advice or criticism that you gave or received and from whom.
You will start to see a pattern emerge.
Just to repeat that,
You're making a list of any unsolicited advice or criticism that you gave or received over the last week and from whom.
We're going to be doing this exercise for about three minutes.
I'll keep my eye on the timer and I'll let you know when it's time to stop.
Okay,
Please finish up what you're writing and let's check in.
How are you feeling about journaling about auto advice giving?
How did it make you feel?
Were you the auto advice giver or are you the auto advice getter?
What came up for you in this mindful daily action?
I can't wait to read your comments and a gentle reminder that between now and our next session together,
Please listen to your boundary meditation,
Which you'll find on my profile.
I will see you tomorrow talking about boundaries and denial.
