Auto-Advice Giving

Welcome to Day 7 of the 10-Day Boundary Challenge. When someone is talking about a problem they’re having, do you feel immediately compelled to give your thoughts, opinions or previous experience knowledge to help FIX their problem? It is so tempting to give and accept unsolicited advice. In this session, we’re covering why auto-advice giving is a boundary block and what you might say instead.

Transcript

Well,

Hello and welcome to day seven of the Boundaries Challenge.

I'm your host,

Terry Cole.

I'm a licensed psychotherapist,

A relationship expert,

And the author of Boundary Boss.

Yesterday we talked all about over giving and over functioning,

And today we're hitting one of my all time faves,

Auto advice giving,

Sometimes referred to as who asked you.

So let's get into it.

When someone is talking about a problem that they're having,

Do you feel immediately compelled to give your thoughts,

Your opinions,

Your previous experience,

Knowledge to help fix their problem quote unquote,

Or are you the person with the problem?

And are you allowing others to indiscriminately give you their unsolicited advice,

Opinions,

Or criticism?

Auto advice giving is a learned compulsive behavior that ultimately blocks or limits intimacy in our relationships.

It's literally when we cannot stop ourselves from giving someone else what we think is the answer to their problem.

We look at people as projects much of the time if we suffer from auto advice giving and someone else having a problem really,

Really makes you uncomfortable.

This behavior also falls into the category of unhealthy helping because unsolicited advice or criticism functions under the codependent assumption that you know what someone else should or shouldn't be doing with their life,

Right?

What they should be doing in their life or in any situation.

And trust me when I tell you,

I mastered this art in my twenties.

So seriously,

No judgment.

And listen,

This is not to say that you can never give input to anyone or that your input is not potentially valuable.

It is to say that compulsive advice giving takes away from your ability to know other people or to be truly known yourself.

It is a dysfunctional boundary behavior.

So I want to dive a little deeper.

I'm going to tell you kind of a personal story about this.

When I was diagnosed with cancer many years ago and I'm perfectly healthy now,

It was like a who asked you free for all.

People would endlessly be giving me unsolicited advice about treatment possibilities or what I should be eating or how I should be praying or worst of all,

Telling me long,

Horrific stories about the painful cancer death of their grandfather,

Their friend,

Their mother-in-law.

Seriously,

It was so unhelpful,

Made me so mad,

So upset because it made me feel like my cancer and me,

I was a problem to be fixed by them,

Which is ridiculous.

And listen,

People might justify this behavior by claiming that they just want to help.

They're just concerned.

They're just being honest,

Quote unquote.

So to be clear,

Giving unsolicited advice or criticism is not being concerned or honest.

It's being intrusive.

So what is the antidote to auto advice giving?

It's learning to ask expansive questions instead of jumping in with auto advice or auto fixing.

Learn how to pause and ask questions instead.

In this way,

You respect the other person's autonomy.

So the next time someone comes to you with a problem,

Instead of automatically giving them advice,

Try out one of these expensive questions you can say,

What does your gut instinct say?

How do you feel about it?

What do you think you should do?

Your gut is good.

You trust your gut instinct.

And then just be silent and wait.

Allow the people in your life to talk.

Let them share with you honestly.

And in the beginning,

It might be hard to do,

But the more you practice,

The easier it gets.

And remember,

This is what it's really based on.

The truth is that you do not know what anyone else should be doing.

What matters most is them coming to their own answers or you coming to your own answers if you're the one who's always getting auto advice given to.

These kinds of questions are supportive without overstepping boundaries or compromising another person's sovereignty.

So let's dive into today's mindful action.

I want you to think about last few days,

Last week maybe,

And make a list of every bit of unsolicited advice or criticism that you gave or received and from whom.

You will start to see a pattern emerge.

Just to repeat that,

You're making a list of any unsolicited advice or criticism that you gave or received over the last week and from whom.

We're going to be doing this exercise for about three minutes.

I'll keep my eye on the timer and I'll let you know when it's time to stop.

Okay,

Please finish up what you're writing and let's check in.

How are you feeling about journaling about auto advice giving?

How did it make you feel?

Were you the auto advice giver or are you the auto advice getter?

What came up for you in this mindful daily action?

I can't wait to read your comments and a gentle reminder that between now and our next session together,

Please listen to your boundary meditation,

Which you'll find on my profile.

I will see you tomorrow talking about boundaries and denial.

Reviews

So good! This course really makes me understands my behaviours even more. I orten get advice on things ex healing from stress/burnout right Now and people can say ”just accept this is How it is”, ”maybe you should exercise more” (when i cant even walk to my freaking kitchen). But also How easy it is for me to give advice ex if somebody i know / or not(!) i can quick go in and tell them advice on relationships, How to take care of themselves - even yesterday i told my boyfriend How to take care of himself/ set boundaires 😂when im the one learning atm… damn😇 but i saw it directly after and just aah it got me🤭its like the things i know, i want to ”help” them by giving them advice. Feels so strange to just sit ”outside”, watch, especially if they dont see what i see?😅

Thank you so much! ❤️ beautiful insights from this

Excellent. This is my greatest challenge. Grew up with unhappy parents who always confided or complained. As a child you will always try to help eliminate a parent's unhappiness. I have carried this into my adulthood. Such an important epiphany.

I am the auto advice giver. Thank you for posting this.

This one ‘s the closest to my heart in all the topics covered in the challenge so far. I have to constantly remind myself not to slip into auto advice mode! Thank you so much for the insights.

Very important to have awareness of this habit. And I really appreciate the suggestions of questions to ask instead of immediately offering advice. Thank you.

I love this course it has helped me so much. I bought Bounary Boss on Amazon and downloaded it on Audible. Also let my 3 adult children know about it and apologized to them for not teaching them about healthy boundaries. We are all actively learn now together. It’s amazing! I love the book. Everyone needs this lesson!

Thank you

Thanks

It struck me that giving auto-advice prevents closeness to people.
I feel terrible, because I think I caused a lot of harm by giving unsolicited advice and I actually alienated people.

These. Boundary talks are very clear and succinct, saying a lot in a very brief talks which I appreciate. They are basic but deeper than they give at first impression. And her voice is soothing and nice to listen to.

Ouch. That is me - both giving and receiving unsolicited advice!!!

I am grateful this track has remained on the app to catch up. I continue to learn the various nuances of boundaries through this and share some with my clients. Thanks so much!

The whole course is outstanding. In the lesson though you talked about what to do if you are an auto advice giver but not what to do if someone is repeatedly giving you unsolicted advice...

Interesting!

GM...this really made me reflect on conversations with others...I can be both ....such an eye opener for me ...Thank you!🙏🧘‍♀️❤

Thanks 🙏

Amazing, very helpful

Eye opener and made me feel sad that sometimes I have give unsolicited advice to my sister. I thank you for explaining this intrusive boundaries so simply!

At first I wasn’t connecting to this class. I am not a really sweet gentle person of whom others take advantage. I felt uncomfortable because I suspect my boundary problems are at least partially caused by my own behaviors and I needed that addressed. Well, that happened in this session! I learned some great things! I realized that when I auto-advise, it’s not even about the person in distress: it’s about me! When my loved one is unhappy, that makes me unhappy. That’s an unpleasant emotion and that makes my body feel bad. I hate that. So I try to ‘fix’ my loved one’s problem as fast as possible so I will feel better. It’s actually, now I think about it, selfish of me. Wow. Much to think about. I look forward to tomorrow’s learning and I’m glad I persisted with this class.

I thought the questions to ask were great. I don’t give advice, but find other people like to give me advice. Thank you.