How To Overcome Rejection And Reclaim Your Self-Worth

Experiencing rejection is an inevitable part of life, but one that can lead us to construct false narratives about our value and worth. Through her personal anecdote of rejection, Skylar delves into its effects on her psyche and offers insight into the coping mechanisms that aided her in overcoming the shame she felt at not being good enough. This talk is essential listening for anyone grappling with feelings of rejection or stuck in a cycle of fear about moving forward and taking risks.

Transcript

Burning skin,

Sinking stomach,

Stories that circulate in our minds,

Feelings of shame or inadequacy.

I know all of this so well.

And because you're here today,

You're no doubt also familiar with the feeling of rejection and how it can land in a body,

How it can sometimes consume you and inform how you feel about yourself.

I'm glad you are here because this is something we can work through together.

And most of all,

What I'd like to share with you is that you're not alone.

Dealing with rejection is part of our human condition and part of our life experience.

I'm Skylar Liberty Rose and I'm going to share with you a brief personal story on how I've experienced rejection in my life and how I've come to view rejection in a way that has propelled me to have a richer,

Much more fulfilling life.

When I was in my late teens,

I was at a wedding reception and I got speaking to a man there.

I liked him.

I really thought we had a spark of something and I was hoping that our conversation would continue and that it would lead to something deeper.

But quite abruptly,

He turned to me and said,

I'm not interested.

And he walked away,

Leaving me standing there alone.

I carried on with the evening as though nothing had happened.

I got on the dance floor,

I smiled brightly and to anyone else on the outside looking in,

I was having a wonderful time.

But inside,

I was crushed.

I felt unwanted.

I felt ugly.

I felt rejected.

And I decided there and then that I didn't want to do that again.

I'd put myself out there and I'd paid the price.

I'd left myself wide open and now look what had happened.

Long after that evening had passed,

And I do mean many years later,

That man's words would continue to circle around my head,

Taking up space,

Reinforcing a story about me.

Because what I did with those words was I took them and I twisted them and I made them into something much bigger than they were ever intended to be.

Those words that this man,

This stranger,

Had casually tossed my way,

And then I'm quite sure promptly forgotten about,

They had now become a statement on my worth,

On my value as a human being.

This was how other people saw me.

This was who I was,

Or more accurately,

Who I wasn't.

I wasn't enough.

I wasn't pretty enough,

Or attractive enough,

Or charming enough.

I wasn't desirable enough.

I wasn't good enough.

I took somebody else's words,

Three to be exact,

And I made them part of my identity.

Imagine that after such a brief interaction,

I so readily gave somebody else such power as to allow their words to define my worth.

And of course,

As life continued,

There were other As life continued,

There were other rejections over the years.

Jobs,

Writing submissions,

And certainly more from men.

I have had a number of experiences that have left me feeling exposed and raw,

That have left me feeling vulnerable.

And most often when we feel vulnerable,

We want to protect ourselves.

We want to reduce the risk of feeling even more vulnerability.

So how do we minimise risk?

How do we lower our chances of being rejected,

Of being hurt?

Well,

The safest way to do this is to do nothing.

To pad ourselves in a life where we rarely take any risks.

A life where we never explore beyond the edges of our comfort zone.

A life where we keep everyone and everything at arm's length.

A life where we really do as little living as possible.

But what does that life sound like to you?

What would that life feel like?

Stripped of the richness and colour that comes from a life well lived.

A life where risk might mean rejection,

But it might also mean opportunity,

And wonder,

And an abundance of blessings.

A life that invites in love,

Adventure,

New relationships,

New possibilities.

All of life comes with risk.

Even the padded life that we think protects us and keeps us safe is a risk,

Because that life means we risk no real life at all.

It may sound like such a minor rejection that I had from that man at the wedding,

But I wanted to use that example because most often,

The rejections we experience might not seem particularly major,

Yet they can really impact us and the lens through which we view ourselves.

Something I've learned to do with any old wounds that I carry,

Any stories I tell myself about who I am and what my truth is,

What my worth is,

Is to simply ask myself the question,

Is this mine?

Is this mine?

When we take someone else's words and we attach them to ourselves to create a story about who we are and what we're worth,

We're not rooting down into our own truth.

We're taking someone else's thoughts,

Or feelings,

Or actions,

Or projections,

And we're stamping them into our identity.

And when we ask,

Is this mine?

We give ourselves an opportunity to consider what's really true for us,

Rather than what's true for somebody else.

The man at that wedding who told me he wasn't interested in me was speaking his truth,

Somewhat abruptly,

But still his truth.

Yet,

I took his truth and I made it my own.

I made it a story about how unlovable I was.

For years,

That story stayed in my body,

Right there just below the surface,

Ready for me to pluck out with ease any time I wanted to reinforce how little I was wanted.

Any time I was rejected thereafter,

I'd use that fleeting interaction to re-cement that story.

Have you ever noticed that when we celebrate our wins,

We tend to celebrate the specificity of that win?

But when it comes to rejection,

We find ourselves flooded with every memory of every past rejection,

Especially early,

Painful ones.

Our wins are like standalone events,

But our rejections are a patchwork quilt of memories that all merge together to tell us an untrue story about who we are,

Rather than what we've experienced.

If you're finding that past rejections are preventing you from living your life to your fullest expression,

From living your life to your fullest expression now because you're stuck in a space of fear,

Rather than asking yourself,

What if I'm rejected?

You could ask yourself,

How might taking this risk bring me more life?

How might this open up a whole new adventure for me?

And we don't know.

We don't know.

There is no magic ball that tells us the answers ahead of time.

There is only our gut instinct and our willingness to try,

To take the deep breath and the bold step forward.

Even if it's a tiny one,

Trust me,

It still counts.

And look at the world around you,

The music you love to listen to,

The movies you enjoy watching,

The books you lose yourself in.

They only came into existence because someone once had an idea,

An impulse,

A desire,

And they acted on it.

They had a vision of what could be,

And they took a risk as they took steps towards creating it,

Not knowing if there'd be rejection along the way,

Not knowing how their longing would be received,

But choosing life,

Choosing living anyway,

Staying open to what might be.

And we can stay open and still have boundaries as long as they don't become barriers.

And you'll know the difference because boundaries are there to support you in maintaining your emotional,

Mental,

And physical wellbeing.

Boundaries promote self-care and respect in your relationships,

Whereas barriers are rigid obstacles that can hinder connection and growth.

They stem from fear and often lead to isolation and stagnation.

Barriers try to eliminate risk and rejection,

But they also eliminate everything else.

You've got to be open enough to let the good stuff reach you too.

It's also important to remember that no experience is without some kind of value,

Even the ones that are painful.

They still teach us something in some way.

Try to make peace with the fact that you likely will experience rejection again if you have the courage to follow your heart and live your life.

And if it happens,

Look for the silver lining.

What else is this opening up for me?

What is this guiding me towards?

How will I use this life experience to keep moving forward?

I am proud of you for taking risks in your life,

Risks that have the potential to bring you closer to a life full of love and passion,

Purpose,

And joy.

I'm proud of you for knowing that rejection is simply feedback,

Feedback that you can choose what to do with.

Remember you're here,

You're alive,

And all things are still possible.

Thank you for being here with me today,

For having the courage to consider a different way of viewing your experiences,

For staying open to life and to living,

For daring to dream and take action.

I'd love to know which of these reframes has been most useful for you and how you might view rejection differently going forward.

So please leave me a comment,

I love hearing from you.

Sending love from my heart to yours.

Reviews

Dear Skylar, instead of wrapping myself in that crazy quilt of rejections I plan to take it to the backyard and burn it! Many thanks for sharing your story. 🙏🏽 It was a blessing to hear it. 💥🤎

I’ve been facing constant rejection in relationships and my career. It’s hard to keep getting up and moving forward. Thanks for the push.

Amazing and very true I loved how she described boundaries as “borders and supportive” not controlling and restricting.

Thank you Skylar, for describing a heartful comment that oriented your inner compass to courage, self love and joy. Sending good wishes. 🌻

So good! I like how she brought up the idea of rejection being someone else’s truth… often it doesn’t have anything to really do with you personally. Sometimes it is just where the other person is in their life.

It’s amazing that I didn’t even realize I was owning all those rejections and limiting my opportunities by thinking I’m not good enough. I’ve been wanting to change careers for a long time and this is what has prevented me from taking that risk. I decided to take the risk and it looks like I might have a new career. Thank you for another enlightening and powerful talk ❤️

Thank you for reminding me that rejection is not about me. Rejection is another persons truth and I can see that as a chance to find the next best step to the next best thing in my life. I really appreciate the comparison of rejection being a broad statement and a win being a narrow statement of our value. I will now longer internalize another’s truth as mine or about me.