What Would Buddha Say?: Exploring Mindful Speech

Modern science has shown us that our words are not harmless: they have the very real power to not only affect our actual brains, but to either create more hurt and discord in this world, or more harmony and connection. This talk explores some of the Buddha’s rich teachings on Wise Speech, and how we can use our meditation practice to train ourselves to become more aware of our unconscious habits of communication, and better understand what we’re creating in our lives.

Transcript

So,

The Buddha was once asked two very similar questions and his answer was the same for both.

These two questions were,

What is the most destructive organ in the human body and what is the most helpful organ in the human body?

And his answers to both questions was the tongue.

And if we think about it,

This is just kind of an obvious truth,

Isn't it?

Whether it's something we say to one another or maybe to a whole group of people or even to a whole nation,

The words we use are of course vitally important.

They not only have a profound effect on others,

But as we all know,

They can also truly have a long lasting consequence.

Just for a moment,

You might even think of an example of how someone's words have affected you,

Maybe recently even.

Maybe somebody said something to you that was somehow negative or critical or harsh and something that felt harmful to you in some way.

Maybe it was even something that you still can't quite seem to let go of.

Every time you think about it,

It just sort of stings a bit or maybe it feels like a type of rewounding.

Just take a moment to think about the effect that someone's words have had on you maybe recently or even in the past.

On the other hand,

You might now recall something someone said to you that maybe created a sense of joy or happiness in you that just continues to resonate whenever you think about it.

Like maybe someone made you laugh or maybe they told you that they admired or appreciated something about you or maybe they were just proud of you or even that they loved you maybe.

So just think about that and maybe the effect that these words may have had on you.

When we consider these two different examples,

What might be helpful to know is that modern science has shown us that our interpretation of the words that we hear can very literally change the structure of our brains.

So powerful.

In a great book about this research titled simply words can change your brain,

Dr.

Andrew Newberg and Mark Robert Weldman state that in fact quote,

A single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress.

Right,

So pretty amazing that one simple word can do this,

But it's true.

For instance,

Researchers have found that just one negative or angry word can prompt that ancient fear center of our brain,

Our amygdala,

To flood us with dozens of stress hormones,

Which in turn tends to interrupt our brain's actual functioning,

Especially as it relates to logic and reason and language.

In other words,

Whenever we're angry or upset about something,

We really are not able to think as logically or as rationally as we might otherwise.

And sadly,

When we're under the influence of these difficult emotions,

We then tend to think and also act or react or behave more negatively,

Which as you might imagine,

Just only serves to create even more harm.

On the other hand,

One single positive word,

Maybe such as compassion or love,

Can not only promote better cognitive functioning,

It can also propel the motivational parts of our brains to go out and create even more good things in the world.

So if all of this can be prompted by hearing just one single word,

We might just take a moment to think about what effect our words might have when there are a whole string of them,

Right?

Which is of course,

Just how we all speak to each other.

At the same time,

We might also consider how far the influence of our words might travel.

So for instance,

We might believe that when we're engaged in a simple one-on-one conversation,

Our words are only influencing that one other person,

Depending upon how that person is receiving our words.

But the truth is our words that we've expressed to this other person is also going to affect every single person in that person's circle or community or everyone that person comes into contact with.

Because again,

When we ourselves are affected by someone else's words,

Which we all are,

Our own words and behavior then tends to naturally affect everyone that we interact with,

Right?

It's like that old metaphor of a stone being dropped into a lake.

The words that we speak,

As well as the words that we listen to,

Really do tend to resonate.

They have an effect.

And right now,

Especially in our political climate,

We can all really see this happening,

Can't we?

Like just a few years ago,

Researchers found that a vast majority of us,

85%,

Believe that the nature of our political discourse has become much more aggressive.

And almost 80% of us also believe that when elected officials,

For instance,

Use hostile language to talk about certain people or groups,

It just makes violence against those people or groups that much more likely.

So obviously,

The words that we use are incredibly important because they really do have the power to either create more harm or discord in this world or the power to create more harmony and connection.

And so for this talk,

I thought I would explore some of the Buddhist teachings on what he calls wise or right or skillful speech and how we can train ourselves to be much closer attention to the words that we use to make sure we aren't creating any more harm or suffering in this world,

Which as we all know,

Has more than plenty of it.

Wise speech is actually the first of what is considered the sila or moral conduct or virtue section of the Noble Eightfold Path.

And our practice of sila is actually what our entire path is built upon.

We actually cannot grow or transform without sila.

And this is because sila is aimed at addressing how we use our actual bodies in this world,

These vehicles,

And how we harness the very real power of our speech and action and livelihood in this world.

And what's crucial for us to remember is that with our practice of sila,

Our focus is almost always on our intention,

Our intention,

Especially again,

When it comes to our intention of no harm or ahimsa in the practice in Pali.

Right speech is actually said to be exactly where our practice of sila starts.

And as the modern monk and scholar,

Tanisaro Biki tells us,

Quote,

If you cannot control your mouth,

There is no way you can hope to control your mind.

So one of the reasons I think skillful speech is honestly one of the most difficult and complex aspects of our practice is because without mindfulness,

Our speech is just so often totally spontaneous and automatic.

And if we think about it,

It really mirrors how we tend to just automatically believe most of our thoughts and then act on these beliefs by saying or doing something that can often be unskillful.

And so we have to think about how to do that.

We might even recall a famous quote by Gandhi that I like to remember,

Which is our beliefs become our thoughts.

Our thoughts become our words.

Our words become our actions.

Our actions become our habits.

Our habits become our values.

And our values become our destiny.

So along with the actual words that we use,

Again,

Our intention is something that we want to become very aware of,

Because the truth is our intention is exactly what is going to fuel our words to begin with.

So in the short time that we have,

I want to focus on just one section of the Buddha's very rich teachings on wise speech.

And this is a category of speech that is considered harmful.

As you might imagine,

The vast number of things we might say to one another that might create harm or hurt can just seem completely endless.

And of course it is.

And so to really help us with this,

The Buddha very happily divided harmful speech into four different categories to help us to remember.

But before I continue with these,

I really want to point out or maybe emphasize that the types of speech in these categories are considered unskillful or unwise.

And because we all tend to use this kind of speech simply because we're human,

It's super important to not give ourselves a hard time as we've become more and more aware that we may be using this type of communication.

So as practitioners,

Our job is to simply become aware of this type of speech so that we can very consciously start to change our more unconscious,

Habitual patterns of interacting with other people that might be causing some harm.

So in the teachings,

The Buddha tells us there are four types of what he calls unwise speech.

The first of these is lying,

Lies,

Or words spoken with the intent of misrepresenting the truth.

The second of these is divisive speech,

Which is spoken with the intent of creating rifts between people or groups.

The third type of unwise speech is harsh speech,

Which is considered aggressive because it's spoken with the intent of harm.

And the fourth type of unwise speech is idle chatter,

Which is actually spoken with no purpose or intent at all.

And I know that's a lot to cover.

So for the purposes of time,

I'd like to focus specifically on that third category of harmful speech,

Which is harsh speech or words that are spoken with some type of aggression with the intention of harm.

So within that category,

There are actually five types or categories of harsh speech,

Which I'd like to go over just briefly so that we can become more and more aware of these.

So the first of these is angry speech,

Which might seem like a really easy one for us to be aware of mainly because anger and aggression and the intent to harm actually really seem to go together,

But they don't necessarily need to.

For instance,

There are many times when the energy of anger is actually really absolutely appropriate and necessary in order to protect something that is either being or is about to be harmed.

But this anger does not need to involve aggression or harm.

So again,

What's important as always is that we take a good look at our intention.

For example,

It can actually be a really beneficial thing when the energy of anger prompts us to go out and protest something that we feel is being harmed,

Right?

With the intention of loving the thing that we're trying to protect,

Like maybe when we want to protect the earth from harm and we go out and protest or maybe we want to protect other people from harm or even ourselves from harm.

And so angry speech can sometimes be really tricky,

But it can get even trickier when we consider that this type of speech also includes sarcasm,

Especially when it's directed,

Specifically the person that we're speaking to.

And I know many of us might be thinking,

Well,

Wait,

Wait,

Isn't a little sarcasm,

You know,

Okay.

It's not too bad,

Right?

But with this one,

It can again be a really good experiment to take a good look into our hearts and again at our intention when we're resorting to sarcasm.

Why are we doing it?

So for instance,

We might ask ourselves things like,

Am I in some way trying to use humor to cover up or deflect a real criticism or maybe some resentment or judgment or anger that I may have.

We might also ask ourselves,

Am I using it as a way to maybe put myself somehow above the other person in some way,

Right?

We might also consider how do I really want this sarcasm to land on the other person?

What is my real intention there?

Just to consider.

We might even pay attention to the words we might say after we use sarcasm just to be aware of them.

And they might sound something like,

Come on now,

I was just joking.

Or,

Hey,

I was just teasing,

Et cetera.

Sadly,

Whenever we're being sarcastic,

The other person is very likely going to just laugh along,

Especially if there are other people in the room.

But secretly,

They may be harboring hurt by what we just said.

Another thing about using sarcasm that we might start to pay attention to or become more aware of is that sometimes actually used as a way to avoid,

As in,

Avoiding intimacy.

So as an example,

In my own life,

I've never,

Ever been able to get very close to a particular relative of mine because absolutely everything is a joke.

Some sarcasm,

Really everything.

There's never actually been a real conversation.

And I'm so sad about this because after several decades of trying to have a real conversation,

I've never been able to have a real conversation.

I've just never been able to break through.

So that's angry speech is the first category.

The second category of harsh speech is very similar.

And this is speech that is belittling,

Which again,

Like sarcasm,

Is also meant to harm in the sense of making someone feel smaller by belittling or putting them down,

Sometimes in a continual or even an ongoing way.

Very often we can find this type of belittling speech delivered in the form of questions.

So these questions might sound like,

Why are you doing it that way?

Or why would you think that?

Or maybe even,

You know what you should do?

You know what you should do?

Many of you may recognize that last type of belittling question as something called unsolicited advice.

The reason why this is belittling is because while the suggestion can often come off as a simple offer to help,

When the advice has not been very specifically requested or asked for,

How it shows up is actually as a criticism.

So in the other person's head,

The translation is going to sound a lot like clearly you don't know how to live your life,

But guess what I do.

And what I find so interesting about this one is that whenever I ask for a show of hands to see how many people like unsolicited advice,

Not a single person raises their hand usually.

But when I ask how many of us actually do this,

Almost everyone raises their hand.

So I'm going to ask you to do this.

Almost everyone raises their hand.

So it is really helpful to know,

Or it can be helpful to know that we really all tend to do this.

It's a habit.

And it's also something we're being asked to really train ourselves to become more aware of so that we can really stop doing it so often.

One of the ways we can become more aware of when we might be about to offer some unsolicited advice is to notice if we're maybe feeling some type of aversion,

Maybe towards whatever that person is sharing or expressing or doing,

Or maybe with just how they're living their actual lives.

So when we can investigate this closer,

We might then ask ourselves if our need might be to really help ourselves feel less uncomfortable with whatever the person is sharing,

Expressing,

Doing,

Or living their lives.

In fact,

If we dive even deeper,

We might even begin to notice that this happens more often when people are expressing maybe difficult emotions,

Such as sadness or anger or frustration.

Instead of maybe just listening and offering some empathy,

We might find ourselves giving unsolicited advice about how the person can,

Quote,

Fix something that we perceive as wrong.

Or we might even find ourselves telling them that they have wrong thinking about something,

Or maybe even worse,

That they shouldn't be able to fix something that they don't know.

They shouldn't be feeling whatever they're feeling.

You shouldn't be feeling angry.

You shouldn't be feeling sad,

Et cetera.

Sometimes we might even believe that they're taking too long to process whatever's happening with them.

And again,

We feel uncomfortable with this and maybe just want them to do something about it,

Take some action.

And of course,

We want them to make the decision that we ourselves would make for them,

Right?

So as with all these types of harsh speech,

The speech that is expressed as belittling,

Again,

Important to become more aware of our own intentions and our needs,

Especially.

So the third,

Fourth,

And fifth categories of harsh speech that we want to be aware of all relate to how we're speaking,

Or more specifically,

Our volume,

Our words,

And our tone.

Our volume,

Our words,

And our tone.

So for instance,

We are asked to avoid unnecessarily loud speech.

We are asked to avoid unnecessarily loud speech,

Which is considered aggressive because much like belittling,

It's again,

A way of attempting to be somehow bigger than other people.

So with this one,

We might start paying close attention to when we might be elevating our voices and honestly ask ourselves why.

Or maybe again,

We might ask ourselves,

What is my real intention here in speaking so loudly?

What's my intention?

The fourth category of harsh speech includes the actual words that we choose,

Along with the tone of voice that we use in delivering the words.

So for instance,

I'm sure many of us have friends who are relatives who just know the exact words that are going to completely set us off when they say them,

Right?

They very intentionally choose the actual words that they know are going to hurt us on purpose.

And by the way,

Our tone of voice can also mean everything too.

As in the case of two lovely southern phrases this northerner learned the hard way,

We're going to use the tone of voice that we use in our own language.

So these two phrases,

Many of you may know,

Are bless your heart and aren't you sweet?

And I very quickly understood just as a tone of their voice that they really were not blessing me and they did definitely did not think that I was very sweet.

So the fifth category of harsh speech is cursing.

And again,

It's considered aggressive or hostile because its intent is often to shock,

Isn't it?

Sometimes it's intent is to shock.

And by the way,

Cursing also tends to reinforce our own anger,

Even if we're not angry every time we swear.

And don't believe me about this.

I really encourage you to just investigate this one for yourself whenever you're swearing.

Finally,

I want to spend a little time talking about one particular form of harmful speech that very often contains all four of the things that we're being asked to avoid,

All four of them.

This type of speech is gossip.

So gossip does not always contain all four of these,

But very often if we take a good look,

It does.

For instance,

Gossip tends to include lies,

Right?

Words spoken with the intent of misrepresenting the truth.

Divisive speech spoken with the intent of creating riffs.

Harsh speech spoken with the intent to harm.

And sometimes often idle chatter,

Which is actually spoken with no purposeful intent at all,

Which we do for many,

Many different reasons.

And just to say,

The idea of gossip is not just a word that's used in many,

Many different reasons.

And just to say,

The idea of gossiping can sometimes seem really innocuous,

Right?

And if we're honest,

It's also something,

Again,

Most of us tend to do.

But the truth is,

Because gossip tends to contain all four of the types of things that we're being asked to avoid,

It can also be just incredibly harmful.

I'm sure most of us remember a game our teachers made us play in elementary school where we all sat in a circle and the teacher whispered a story to the first one of us,

And then we all took turns whispering the same story to the next person and the next,

And so on.

And the result of that story is that we all passed along into the ears of 20 different children.

The story looked absolutely nothing like what was originally said every single time without fail,

This happened.

So the pattern today goes like this.

You say something to a really close friend and you think,

Well,

It's only so and so,

What's the harm?

And then your friend shares this with their spouse,

And then their spouse shares it with his or her best friend,

And on and on it goes until the entire town knows this tiny innocuous thing you said to a close friend.

And by the way,

By the time it gets out again,

As we all know from elementary school,

It's not even accurate,

Right?

There's also a story I like to remember about a woman who spread rumors that her young neighbor was a thief,

And a result her neighbor was arrested.

And days later,

The young man was proven innocent.

And after he'd been released,

He sued the woman for wrongly accusing him.

And in court,

The woman told the judge,

They were just comments,

They didn't harm anyone.

And so the judge told the woman,

Okay,

Before I sentence you,

I want you to write all the things you said about your neighbor down on a piece of paper.

And then I want you to cut them all up,

And on the way home,

I want you to throw all those pieces of paper out.

And then tomorrow,

Come back and hear my sentence.

And so she did exactly as the judge said,

And then she came back the next day.

And the judge said to her,

Before I can give you your sentence,

I now want you to go out and gather up all those pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.

And the woman said,

That's unfair.

There's no way I can do that.

The wind spread them,

And I won't know where to find them.

And the judge said,

In the same way,

Simple comments may destroy the honor of a person to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.

If you can't speak well of someone,

Rather,

Don't say anything.

Don't say anything.

And that story always reminds me of a great lesson that I learned from one of my dear friends from an old Sangha in Brooklyn,

New York,

And I was living there.

She was a very wise older Buddhist,

And she didn't just think about the Buddha's teachings.

She was really strongly determined to actually practice them just exactly as the Buddha prescribed them.

She was very inspiring.

And so she had started practicing some of the deeper speech practices.

And one of these practices involved not speaking about anyone who was not in the room with her,

Even to praise someone.

She just wouldn't do it.

And she did this for many reasons,

But one of them was for the reason I just stated.

If the person isn't there to make sure the person's report is accurate or to defend or explain themselves,

A false story might then spread about them.

But it also puts either a positive or negative belief or view into the mind of the person who is hearing the praise or the blame.

And this is going to just color their experience of that person.

So it's important to remember that sometimes even spreading good news can be harmful because sometimes the good news that you're spreading might not be accurate or true,

Or more importantly,

That person might not want everyone to know about their good news.

As a confession,

I have actually personally lost or harmed friendships over this one over the years,

Mostly because of not asking before I shared a bit of good news,

Like about a marriage or a pregnancy.

I've done both of those.

And it's been a very painful lesson for me to not do that.

And by the way,

Saying good things about someone who is not present can also sometimes be hurtful to the person who's listening to what you're saying.

Again,

As a personal example,

Sometimes after I've led a meditation event,

Sometimes even a longer,

Multiple day retreat,

Someone will come up to me afterwards.

And for some reason,

They'll start telling me how amazing and brilliant they think a particular teacher is.

And quite often it's someone that I know personally.

And I do need to confess that does sting a little to hear that about another teacher.

And so with gossip,

As with all other forms of harmful speech,

One of the main practices we can use is to again,

Take a really close look at our intention.

So for instance,

When we find ourselves gossiping or wanting to gossip,

We might ask ourselves something like,

Am I trying to belong by bonding over a mutual dislike,

Or even a like for someone or for some group of people?

Maybe people who I believe either are or are not like us,

Right?

And I'm trying to bond.

Or we might ask,

Am I gossiping to make myself feel better?

Or maybe even to create some kind of division or to enlist other people or that other person in feeling like they're not like us?

Or maybe I'm trying to make myself feel better.

So again,

Asking ourselves some key questions,

But just one of the ways that we can begin to investigate what is beneath our intention for speaking,

Remembering as always that we are never ever asking ourselves these types of questions in order to beat ourselves up in some way.

And so we're going to be asking ourselves some key questions.

And one of the things that we can do is we can start to understand what is in our communication that might be doing some harm.

At the same time,

We're also being asked to very actively,

Mindfully start communicating with our own emotions.

So we can start to understand what is in our communication and we can start to understand what is in our communication.

And we can start to be very actively,

Mindfully,

Start communicating in ways that are hopefully going to lead to more connection and harmony rather than harm.

So whenever we're interacting with someone before the words even come out of our mouths,

The Buddha says that there are five really important questions that we can ask ourselves to speak.

These questions are,

Is it timely to speak right now?

Is it truthful what I'm going to say?

Is what I'm going to say kind?

Is what I'm going to say beneficial?

And maybe most importantly,

The final question he asks us to consider is,

Is what I'm going to say spoken with a mind of goodwill with the intention of not harming?

And before we end with a meditation,

I just want to add one more question to that list,

Which is one I learned very early on in my practice,

Which has helped me so much because it kind of wraps all the other questions up fairly quickly.

It's really easy.

And as a confession,

I use this question so much,

It's become one of my favorite sticky note phrases.

In fact,

I have it taped directly to my computer,

So I'll be more likely to see it whenever I need it.

And it's truly saved me so many times,

Especially when I'm writing emails.

The question is simply,

What would Buddha say?

What would Buddha say?

So I think I will leave with that for time and invite you into a brief meditation if that's available.

So as you're ready and it's available,

You might find a comfortable seeing posture,

A nice deep breath in filling the lungs,

Slow exhale,

Letting go,

Letting the eyes gently close if that's available.

If you're walking or driving the car while listening,

You might become more embodied by paying attention to the bottom of your feet if you're walking,

Active walking.

If you're sitting in the car,

You might be looking at the car as you walk.

If you're walking,

You might be looking at the car as you walk.

If you're sitting in the car,

You might contact your hands on the steering wheel,

Your seat,

Your cushion,

Your feet on the pedals,

Napping into your breath,

Becoming aware of your body breathing.

You might let the body relax a little more,

Letting the tummy be soft,

Allowing the shoulders to drop down,

Letting your body relax a little more,

Letting your body relax a little more,

Allowing the shoulders to drop down,

Letting your face express more calm,

By loosening some of the skin and the muscles,

Be letting the forehead be smooth,

Eyes soft,

Teeth slightly parted so the jaw can relax,

Feel aware of the body breathing,

Aware of the breath,

And even let the center of the palms soften,

Allowing your hands to express a gesture of letting go and receiving.

And as you continue,

You might imagine breathing directly into the heart area,

Breathing into the heart,

Breathing out,

Letting go.

Each time you breathe in to the heart area,

I think you can soften the heart a little bit,

Let it become a little more vulnerable.

Breathing out,

Softening,

Breathing in,

Touching any vulnerability in the heart.

And as you're ready,

I'm going to invite you to think about something you might want to say to someone in your life.

And as you're ready,

I'm going to invite you to think about something you might want to say to someone in your life,

But maybe haven't said yet.

I haven't had that conversation yet.

Maybe an upcoming meeting,

A date you have with someone,

Maybe just a conversation at dinner or at home that you haven't had yet.

Just consider that.

And consider the person that you want to speak to or the people sitting in front of you.

Imagine yourself looking directly into their eyes.

As you're ready,

You might take some time to consider how you want to show up in this conversation.

How you want to show up in this conversation,

Or maybe how do you want to relate to your heart as you approach this conversation?

As you're ready,

You might also consider what is my intention for saying what I want to say to this person?

Or maybe even what is my intention for listening to this person?

What is my intention for this conversation?

As you're ready,

You might now consider what is my underlying need to express what I want to say to this person or people?

What is my underlying need?

And as you're ready,

You might now ask yourself,

How can I best express myself with a mind of goodwill and with the intention of not harming or with the intention of harmony and connection?

How can I best express myself with a mind of goodwill and with the intention of not harming,

With the intention of harmony and connection?

And finally,

You might even consider what would Buddha say?

What would Buddha say?

Or how would Buddha show up to this conversation?

And finally,

With the eyes still closed,

Just listening to these words from Joyce Stupman,

Who tells us how to listen.

Tilt your head slightly to one side and lift your eyebrows expectantly.

Ask questions.

Delve into the subject at hand or let things come randomly.

Don't expect answers.

Forget everything you've ever done.

Make no comparisons.

Simply listen.

Listen with your eyes as if the story you are hearing is happening right now.

Listen without blinking as if a move might frighten the truth away forever.

Don't attempt to copy anything down.

Don't bring a camera or a recorder.

This is your chance to listen carefully.

Your whole life might depend on what you hear.

Namaste and blessings.

Reviews

A practical look at the value of cultivating “right speech/wise speech”. Thank you for your insights.