THIS IS IT: Now What?

Instead of resisting, denying, or trying to ignore a big change in our lives or in our world, the Buddhist teachings invite us to open up to it and deeply acknowledge: “This Is It,” and then ask ourselves: “now what?” Meaning, what’s the wisest, most compassionate response to this change? How can I relate in a way that is going to open my heart, rather than shut it down? This talk explores how we can use our mindfulness practice to help us remain calm in the midst of chaos, and discover the most beneficial answers.

Transcript

So I thought I would start this talk with a quote from the writer Janine Marie,

Which I think captures a question that so many of us might be asking ourselves right now,

Especially in this particular time in our history.

She asks,

How do we hold both the magnificence and tragedy of the world as if we stand at a threshold with Janus,

The Roman god of beginnings and endings,

Looking in two directions?

How do we find the way if we can't see around the bend?

In our time of disturbance and radical change,

We are crossing a threshold,

A portal,

Or an unseen bridge from one world to another.

It could be said that the bridge is either collapsing beneath us or being made as we walk together.

And I bring that up because I think it's such a good reflection,

Especially that last part,

Which is really asking us to consider how we're relating to whatever's happening,

Either in our world or in our own personal lives.

Is the bridge collapsing?

Or is it maybe being made as we walk together?

Or maybe it's both.

Or maybe a bridge actually needs to collapse before a new one can be created.

And so as we face both the collapsing as well as maybe the building,

How can we discover a sense of calm and balance and maybe even a little bit of joy in the midst of what might seem like a whole lot of chaos or maybe even destruction?

And what I find really interesting about this question is that truly,

The entirety of the Buddhist teachings are aimed at addressing it.

Because as the Buddha so wisely reminded us,

Everything,

Everything has,

Is,

And will continue to be in what might appear to be chaos,

But actually just a never-ending process of both beginning and ending,

Beginning and ending over and over.

And of course,

We ourselves are also constantly changing each and every moment.

We can all actually notice this right now,

Just by paying close attention to our breathing right now in this moment.

And as we're doing this,

We might remember that in each moment,

We are either breathing in,

Receiving a new moment,

Or breathing out,

Letting go.

It's always true.

This past month,

Especially,

I've been really leaning into one of my favorite teaching phrases,

Which comes from one of my favorite teachers,

The great German monk and scholar,

Bhikkyu Analyo.

And I know many of you who practice with me or listen to me know this phrase,

Because I use it so often.

It's Bhikkyu Analyo's famous modern summary of the entirety of the Buddhist practice,

Where he kind of wonderfully condenses the entire Pāli Canon right down to its essence.

He does this in four words,

Which are simply keep,

Calmly,

Knowing,

Change.

Whole Pāli Canon condensed.

Keep,

Calmly,

Knowing,

Change.

And I know that might sound almost too simple,

But as we all know in practice and in reality,

It's just not that simple at all.

It's not that easy.

Because essentially what we're being asked to do is to be continually mindful of or aware of the truth of impermanence,

Or anicca,

In the Pāli language.

And to do so calmly,

Without becoming so anxious about all of the things in our lives and out in the world that are constantly changing.

And of course,

One of the main reasons that this is not at all easy is because according to the teachings,

Change or impermanence is one of,

If not the main source of all of our stress and our fear.

So we might even just take a moment to really think about this.

For instance,

You might even think about a time when there was maybe a good change in your life.

So maybe a marriage,

Or a new baby,

Or a job change,

Or maybe a move.

It's a good change.

But there's actually a name for this,

Which is called eustress,

E-U-S-T-R-E-S-S.

Which means that we don't often realize that these things too can be incredibly stressful.

Because if we think about it,

All of these things involve not a small amount of fear.

And if we really start to investigate and are honest with ourselves,

We might notice that we tend to want most things to kind of remain the same.

And this is because same in some way makes us feel safe and comfortable.

It's familiar.

We might even recall that the word familiar is related to the word family and friendly,

Which points to this idea that when we think we know something,

It just becomes much less scary or frightening.

What we tend to not like is new,

Different,

Strange.

New is a stranger.

And yet,

The truth is always just right smack in front of us.

As the poet Robert Frost once wrote,

In two words,

I can sum up everything I've learned about life.

It changes.

It changes.

About eight years ago now,

When I was up in Massachusetts in December for a two-week private retreat that I go on annually,

I ended up coming up with my own practice for bhikkhunalu's phrase,

Which I actually still use today because it was so helpful for me.

Now,

This particular retreat was in 2016,

And so it was yet another time when there seemed to be just a lot of change on so many levels.

On the national level,

Of course,

There was big change again at this time.

Also,

There just happened to be a lot of change in my personal life,

And instead of calmly knowing change,

What I discovered was that I was completely and utterly resisting change,

Which meant that I was also experiencing a fair amount of fear and uncertainty because whenever we resist change or,

Again,

The truth of impermanence,

We also tend to then experience a corresponding amount of fear because the two are just really intimately linked.

And so when I could recognize that this is what I was doing,

I came up with a kind of mantra or affirmation or prayer,

If you will,

For myself that I hoped would help me to practice,

And this was just simply trying to remember to say to myself,

May I calmly welcome change.

That was my affirmation.

May I calmly welcome change.

Now,

This didn't mean that I was approving of many of the things that were changing in my life and in the world.

I was simply inviting myself to welcome the reality of change,

The truth and inevitability of change,

To bring up yet another phrase,

I was in a real way honoring a familiar refrain from the Zen tradition,

Which I love,

Which is this is it.

This is it.

Which also inevitably includes another phrase or suggestion,

Which is now what?

This is it.

Now what?

What's the wisest,

Most compassionate action I can take right now?

Or what's going to help me to keep my heart open here?

What is going to be the most helpful for myself and others?

So it's not that we don't have goals or don't ever take any action.

Of course we do.

The problem is that we tend to resist the this is it.

We resist it,

Sometimes very fiercely.

We tend to want to argue with reality,

Either by running away from it or fighting like hell or by blaming,

Pointing fingers,

Or by trying to just ignore,

Numb it all out.

Those are some of our strategies.

Sometimes,

In fact,

The way we argue with reality is by painting a smiley face over it,

Right?

Which,

As we all know,

Doesn't actually work too well.

It's like trying to throw flowers on top of a stinking pile of dog you-know-what.

It's not getting rid of the smell,

Just trying to deny that it's there.

Having said that,

I fully recognize that change can often just seem just way too overwhelming.

And maybe for a while we really do just need to stick our heads in the sand,

Just to help us cope with maybe some very big changes.

This can actually be a wise and compassionate choice for ourselves.

It can be a wise and compassionate answer to now what for a while.

But if we do this,

We really want to make sure that we're doing it consciously,

Instead of just automatically tuning out and then just not tuning back in again.

Because that's never really good in any way for either ourselves or for others or for our world,

To just kind of tune out.

Because unfortunately,

Whenever we do any of these things,

When we resist the what is,

We are in essence hardening our own hearts by locking in whatever emotion that we're not allowing ourselves to actually feel,

Which is such a vitally important part of our practice,

This allowing aspect of it.

And so to go back to that retreat that I was on,

I thought the word welcome would help me to practice with this because it's really the polar opposite of resisting,

Right?

Welcoming.

So I thought it might help soften my heart a bit rather than harden it.

Because another truth is that we really don't know what's going to happen next,

Or maybe what can happen when we courageously open up to or welcome change or uncertainty,

Right?

Or as Rothke told us,

In a dark time,

The eye begins to see.

In a dark time,

The eye begins to see.

And so while I was on that retreat,

Every day when the morning bell would ring at 530,

I would start my practice with the very first breath and repeat my mantra.

I calmly welcome change.

I calmly welcome change.

And then for the rest of the day,

I would practice using it for every single change that I noticed.

Everything.

Just as a way to help me to stop fighting and resisting so much.

And so in the beginning,

As with almost everything in practice,

I knew I needed to start with what seemed pretty relatively easy as a way to build up or strengthen my mindfulness muscles,

If you will,

Or maybe my letting go skills.

And so at first I started by simply paying close attention to the weather and even how I wanted the weather to be.

And I was up in Massachusetts,

So very cold in December.

So,

For instance,

I remember noticing that when I walked on a particular sidewalk each day,

How each hour it looked different.

So on just one day,

I noticed that in the morning there was rain and then there was ice.

And then in the afternoon there was snow and then snow melting,

All in a period of like eight hours.

And each time I walked that path,

I would try to notice even more like little sticks or branches or the leaves that had gathered there and how they had moved or shifted since the last time I'd walked on that path.

Or maybe something had melted into the ice.

And each time I saw that change,

Those minor changes,

I would repeat my mantra.

I calmly welcome this change.

And after a while,

As this new mantra started to settle in me,

I started using it more and more for my thoughts and my fears and my emotions.

So,

For example,

Whenever I thought about things like,

You know,

The political climate or my political fears or my finances or climate change or one of my difficult relationships,

I would repeat the same mantra.

I calmly welcome change.

And as you might imagine,

This wasn't easy.

What I experienced at first was a gigantic hell no.

I don't welcome this change at all.

And I definitely don't feel calm about it either.

I was often frantically trying to resist it.

Notice that.

I noticed what I really wanted was order.

I wanted familiarity.

I wanted a sense of safety.

I also noticed my mind and noticed that I had a serious toxic case of the shoulds,

As in he shouldn't have or she shouldn't have.

They shouldn't have.

I shouldn't have.

This shouldn't be this way.

That should be different.

And as I often say,

I was,

Quote unquote,

Shooting all over myself,

Which is really unpleasant.

It usually is.

And each time I noticed that I had in some way shoulded on myself,

I also noticed how everything had suddenly gotten very tight and closed.

And,

You know,

My mind,

My body and especially my heart just felt hard.

But as the retreat continued,

This noticing actually started to help me to really wake up to my resistance and to make an even stronger,

More conscious effort to remember to be mindful of change and to calmly and compassionately welcome all of it.

To open up to everything,

Including my own resistance,

My fear,

My sadness,

My grief.

Opening up to all of it and letting it all flow through without fighting with it so much.

Especially without judging it.

Right.

And eventually,

This really did help me to open and soften and truly become much more calm and accepting of,

OK.

This is it.

Now what?

This is it.

Now what?

As I said,

It really wasn't easy,

Which is why it's called a practice,

Which is something we continually ask ourselves to do.

You know,

It's as Iko Inayo suggests that we keep calmly knowing change.

He didn't suggest,

You know,

Maybe every once in a while when it feels convenient,

You might notice that things have changed.

You know,

Maybe when it's that really big thing.

He asks us to make it a continual remembering.

And we might recall that mindfulness itself,

Sati,

S-A-T-I,

Is often defined as remembering.

So this is an incredibly important teaching.

As we've all experienced,

Whenever we are surprised or hit strongly by change or maybe even punched in the gut all the way down to the ground with change.

It's often extremely difficult to discover our balance again.

To discover that sense of calm again.

Or even sometimes to find our hearts again.

Yet as the teachings show us,

Again,

It's vitally important that we continue to try to keep calmly knowing and even welcoming change.

Instead of letting the constant flow of change sweep us out and under,

Away from our wise,

Compassionate,

Good,

Awake hearts.

There's actually a wonderful line in a song from the late great musician Leonard Cohen that I like to remember.

Which is,

If you do not become the ocean,

You will be seasick every day.

If you do not become the ocean,

You will be seasick every day.

Many of you may know that I was originally trained more than 35 years ago at Naropa University,

Where I was studying the Tibetan tradition.

And in that tradition,

There are a list of slogans that we're asked to memorize and then use as a way of training the mind.

These are called lojongs.

And so for this talk,

I thought I'd offer you two of them that relate to working with change and discovering more peace.

These two are,

Always maintain only a joyful mind.

And if you can practice even when distracted,

You are well trained.

Those are both lojongs.

And they sound different,

But they actually go hand in hand because essentially they mean the same thing.

So that first one,

Always maintain only a joyful mind,

Means that if we can regard everything that arises,

No matter what it is,

As fuel to wake us up,

We can remain calm even in the midst of chaos.

So this lojong also relates to another traditional phrase,

Which is simply,

May the suffering serve awakening,

Which might be easier to remember.

May the suffering serve awakening.

That sense of may I please bow to this,

This challenge or this fear.

May it serve awakening.

Because the truth is,

If we can stay with it,

If we can welcome the pain or the discomfort of it,

The fear,

The grief,

The anger,

Whatever it is,

This is what is going to serve to transform us and maybe transform others around us as well.

So always and forever,

The intention for this practice is,

Please,

May this difficulty open my heart and soften it rather than harden it.

That can be our prayer.

Please,

May this difficulty open my heart and soften it.

That particular lojong,

Always maintain a joyful mind,

Is basically asking us to remember that our level of suffering almost always depends on how we're relating to whatever's happening,

Even when we can't change the situation.

So for instance,

We might ask ourselves,

How do I react,

Respond,

Or find balance when I believe the bridge is collapsing?

It's a good question.

How do I react,

Respond,

Or find balance when I believe that the bridge is collapsing?

So this is really where our daily practice on the cushion comes into play.

When we're meditating,

We're practicing to become aware of what's happening and the thoughts and the emotions that are arising with great kindness and metta,

But without necessarily believing these thoughts as true or acting on them.

We're learning to simply rest in the awareness of whatever's happening.

And we can discover that that resting place is actually calm.

It's not affected by the swirl of whatever's happening.

So we might notice,

For instance,

That whenever we're experiencing a sense of chaos or worry or fear or even anger about something,

It's almost like there's a fire in the mind,

Isn't it?

You might think of the word hot-headed.

It's really almost physical.

And as we all know,

One of the things that we're very actively cultivating when we're meditating is the sense of calm,

That calm within the storm of all of it.

Traditionally,

Kuan Yin,

The Bodhisattva of Compassion,

Is shown holding a vase,

Which represents the cooling water of passati,

Which is a sense of tranquility.

And this is for the body and the mind,

The cooling water of passati.

So passati we can think of as cooling out,

Chilling out,

Keeping your cool,

Cooling down.

And the teachings tell us that the way we cultivate passati is to practice three things,

Essentially.

These three are a sense of calmness,

Groundedness,

And spaciousness.

And of course,

We practice this through our formal meditation so that we can better access this common balance in our daily lives.

So we are not using it as a band-aid.

We're training ourselves to be more calm.

But before we can even begin,

We first need to recognize that we're stressed or maybe afraid,

Which is actually not always an easy step to be really honest with ourselves and acknowledge this.

But once we've honestly recognized it,

We might then literally stop right in the middle and just take a few deep breaths,

Maybe all the way down into the belly.

And then as best as we can,

We try to consciously let go of the narrative or the story that we're having about the stress itself.

So in our formal practice in particular,

One thing that can really help us with this is to place all of our attention and focus on the breath,

Which can help us in many ways.

First,

It can help us to slow our busy minds down a bit.

Secondly,

It can help us to let go of all the thoughts that are keeping us from being present in this moment.

And it can also help us to let go of all the commentary that is just adding to the fire,

Right,

That's fueling our negative emotions and our fears.

So it's really that ancient truth of by calming the breath,

We calm the body.

By calming the body,

We calm the mind.

So we start with the breath.

And as we breathe,

We might then also consciously drop our holding,

Squeezing tension in the body.

So for instance,

We might consciously drop the shoulders.

We might unclench our jaw or hands.

We might relax the eyes and the forehead.

We might let the tummy be soft.

And then we can imagine maybe dropping all of our attention right down into the earth,

Letting it all fall and sense our innate groundedness,

Our innate connection to the earth,

Which is always holding us,

Always will.

Remember that.

And then after we've both calmed and grounded the body,

We can then focus on a sense of spaciousness.

And here we might start by imagining letting go of our limited sense of self,

Especially this kind of small spacesuit idea of the body.

And imagine our field of space extending out beyond the body as wide as our energy needs to be.

It could be out into the entire cosmos,

Just letting it be that big.

And what the spaciousness can help us with is to remember that we are not alone,

That we are not separate.

It can remind us that we are so much bigger than our temporary ephemeral thoughts or emotions,

That we are that big loving field of awareness that truly can hold it all.

The second lojong,

If you can practice even when distracted,

You are well-trained,

Is really similar to the first one in that it's also asking us to use everything in our lives to wake ourselves up rather than put ourselves to sleep.

So in particular,

This lojong is telling us we can actually use the change or the disappointment or the pain or the fear to awaken us to the present moment,

Similar to how a horse rights itself after losing balance.

It's how it's often described.

So being well-trained describes how we can catch ourselves in our horse,

The mind,

If you will,

When it starts falling over that cliff and consciously coming back to the present moment.

To the sun,

To this earth,

To the breeze,

To sound.

This moment,

Exactly as it is right now.

It can remind us that whenever we find ourselves getting tangled up in our stories,

Especially stories about fear and worry or remorse or grief,

We can always find a place of calm again by simply coming back home to the present moment.

Even if our hearts feel like they're breaking,

We can do this.

My favorite Buddhist nun,

Pema Chodron,

Tells us this.

She says to stay with a broken heart,

With a rumbling stomach,

With the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge.

That is the path of true awakening.

Sticking with that uncertainty,

Getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos,

Learning not to panic.

This is the spiritual path.

And so this lojan,

Practicing while distracted,

Is also urging us to use the chaos or the change or the suffering to remember to bring compassion to ourselves and to all the others who are struggling with the very same thing.

And the idea is that as we learn to keep our hearts open to what's here right now,

More and more we discover that sense of I am not alone,

Which helps to comfort our greatest source of suffering,

Which is a sense of feeling separate.

It's our deepest wounding.

In this moment in our history,

So much of the suffering that we're experiencing is just this,

Our sense of divisiveness,

Of being other than or separated from each other.

In so many ways,

We've become fearful of one another.

And so when we can make a more conscious effort to connect with all of those who are also suffering,

Or maybe feeling fearful,

All of us,

Maybe in separate ways,

It can really help us to feel more calm and expansive because it can open our hearts more to a sense of connection.

And finally,

Before I offer you a brief meditation,

As a way of encouragement,

I'd like to offer you these words from the poet Naraya Waheed,

Who tells us,

You do not have to be a fire for every mountain blocking you.

You could be a water and soft river your way to freedom too.

You do not have to be a fire for every mountain blocking you.

You could be a water and soft river your way to freedom too.

So I think I'll end there.

And if it's available to you,

I'd like to invite you into a brief meditation on this.

So if you're somewhere where you can take a seat and be quiet and close your eyes,

You might do that now.

Set whatever you're holding down.

If you're out walking,

You might notice the bottom of your feet touching the earth as you walk.

Become more embodied,

Noticing yourself walking and breathing.

If you're driving,

Again,

You might fill your groundedness by connecting your awareness to your seat.

Hands on the wheel,

Keeping the eyes open,

Of course,

Maybe listening to sound.

And for each of us connecting to the breath,

Maybe taking a nice deep inhale.

And then a slow exhale,

Letting go.

Maybe a couple of rounds of those on your own,

Just to get in touch with the breath in this moment.

And sense yourself right now in this moment,

Receiving a new breath and letting go.

So noticing change right away,

Just with your breath in this present moment.

Seeing if you can use the breath to become more and more present right here,

Right now.

Noticing whatever you're noticing here in your environment.

Noticing yourself here,

Even if some of it is maybe unpleasant.

Remember,

If there's noise or it's cold or whatever it is,

See if you can not resist.

This is it.

Breathing in.

Breathing out.

On each exhale,

Letting some tension go.

You might drop the shoulders.

You might notice the hands.

See if you can allow the center of the palms to soften in a gesture,

Again,

Of both receiving and letting go.

So we open.

You might let the face soften.

Let the forehead be smooth.

Eyes soft.

Cheeks melting.

Teeth slightly parted so the jaw can relax.

Still aware of your breathing.

You might even let the tummy soften.

Let the tummy be undefended.

So invite a letting go here as well.

Seeing if you can allow the breath to help calm the mind and the body,

Especially on each exhale.

Set that intention of letting go.

Bringing a sense of calm to the mind and body.

And then as you're ready,

You might think of maybe different changes in your life or out in the world that are on your mind.

Just let them be here with you.

What are some changes in your life or out in the world that are maybe causing you some stress or worry,

Concern,

Grief,

Whatever it is?

If it's something really big,

You might set that aside if it's too much.

Or you might open up to it.

Totally your choice.

You're in charge.

Notice how the mind,

Heart,

And body experience this particular change in your life.

How have you been living with this change?

And even if it's helpful,

Place one hand or both on the heart or one hand on the heart,

One on the belly,

If that's available,

Just to tap into the heart and your body.

And as you're ready now,

You might try on one of the phrases that I mentioned and see how it resonates.

Or you might try two of them together.

So for each thing that you're worried about or stressed about,

Some change or some grief,

Et cetera,

What happens if you try on Bhikkhunali's suggestion,

Which is keep calmly knowing change?

Keep calmly knowing change.

And if you're feeling up for it,

You might try on the second phrase,

See how that resonates,

Which is I calmly welcome change.

I calmly welcome change.

And as you continue,

If you notice a lot of resistance coming up,

Don't try to make it go away.

Just notice the state of the mind,

Body,

And heart when you're resisting.

Then notice the state of the mind,

Body,

And heart when you can start to let go,

Even just a little.

So there's no forcing here.

There's just an intention and then a noticing or an awareness.

So see if you can continue with those phrases and just notice what happens in the mind,

Body,

And heart.

Keep calmly knowing change.

I calmly welcome change.

Namaste and blessings.

Reviews

I calmly welcome change and find the lesson for growth. But how does one get an open soft heart after relationship betrayal? It goes so deep, especially when you've chosen to stay together

Thank you for sharing these Mantras and your practices here. This was very helpful in continuing along the path of understanding. 🙏 💚 🙏

So incredibly relevant and helpful! I am truly grateful for I have felt deeply challenged by current world events. I so appreciate your talk, the discussion of mantras and perspectives. So very helpful as I do want to remain present and open hearted. Thank you 🙏🏼 Shell for sharing this!! 💞 Truly grateful 🙏🏼