Seek Those Who Fan Your Flames

According to the Buddha, choosing good relationships in this life doesn’t just constitute part of our spiritual development, but in fact the whole of it. Because these choices are so critical to our happiness, the teachings offers us numerous ways in which we can better discern which companions we should seek out, and which we might want to avoid, or abandon. This talk delves into these vital contemplations and includes a deeper investigation into the friendship we have with ourselves.

Transcript

So in the last talk that I offered,

We dove into some pretty rich,

And I might even say risky teachings from the Sigala Vata Sutta,

Where the Buddha gives us some clear,

Concise advice about how we can use our practice to more closely examine all the different relationships that we have in our lives,

And then discern and maybe even weed out those that may not necessarily be good for us.

But as you might imagine,

In that same sutta,

The Buddha also offers us some equally sage advice about how we might consciously seek out and then nurture those relationships that,

On the other hand,

Might be really good for us.

You know,

Those relationships that might not only greatly benefit,

But maybe even improve the whole quality of our lives.

And so I thought we could explore the second complementary part of the sutta,

Because it's so essential to its understanding.

And because the topic of relationship is just so rich,

I also wanted to add in a few other suttas on this topic,

Because really they're all connected.

In fact,

Throughout the entire Pali Canon,

We can find numerous examples of the Buddha urging us over and over,

Really,

To become more aware of who we're surrounding ourselves with,

And then to very consciously discern those relationships that might be a little more unstable or maybe even toxic or poisonous to us.

And those that might have a more positive,

Stabilizing,

Healing,

Or even transformative effect.

So as we continue,

I really want to stress or emphasize that this particular aspect of relationship is not a minor facet of our practice.

In fact,

Many of you may recall the famous tale about Buddha's cousin Ananda,

Who was also his attendant,

Who apparently mentioned to him one day that noble friends and companions seemed so important to the teachings that certainly they must be half of the holy life.

The Buddha says to him,

No,

Do not say so,

Ananda.

Noble friends and companions are the whole of the holy life.

They are the whole of it.

And what I find really interesting is that in many ways,

We can use our practice to work on our relationships in almost exactly the same way that we're being asked to work on our minds.

So just as a for instance,

Just like in our formal practice,

We're being asked to investigate the nature of our minds and discover which thoughts might lead to happiness,

And which thoughts might lead to suffering or to unskillful actions or behaviors.

We can also use our practice to become much more aware of all of the relationships in our lives and discover which relationships might lead us to more happiness,

And which might lead us into more suffering.

And just as we are asked to nurture those thoughts that are wholesome and skillful and foster the good in us,

We are also being asked to consciously seek out those people in our lives who are going to help us to develop within ourselves that which is wholesome and skillful and good in us.

And by the way,

These are the same people who are also likely going to be able to help us to abandon those difficult qualities that are unwholesome,

Unskillful,

Or harmful in some way,

Either to ourselves or to others.

So essentially,

These are the people we hope are going to bring out the best in us.

In fact,

A good companion is hopefully also going to challenge us in many ways,

Just as a good parent might.

The hope is that through our association with them,

They're going to help us to mature in a way that allows us to build up the more positive qualities that we want for ourselves.

Things like kindness,

Compassion,

Empathy,

Joy,

Ease,

Peace,

Rather than their opposites.

And sometimes I like to think of this in terms of two short lines that I love from the poet Rumi,

Who tells us,

Set your life on fire.

Seek those who fan your flames.

Set your life on fire.

Seek those who fan your flames.

When I can remember that the relationships in my life that feel toxic to me in some way tend to dampen my flame,

Not ignite it.

Then these two lines just make so much more sense to me.

Set your life on fire.

Seek those who fan your flames.

So as a practice then,

We really want to be continually aware of this and ask ourselves on a regular basis,

Which people in my life are serving to fan my flames?

Or maybe,

Which people in my life are bringing me or fanning me with warmth and light and energy instead of a sense of coolness or darkness or fatigue?

In the Mejia Sutta,

There's a great story that emphasizes this profound need for discernment of the relationships in our lives.

And it's based on the name of a young namaste monk named Mejia,

Who was one of the Buddha's many attendants.

And the story is set in a small village in the mountains of India,

Where Mejia had traveled along with the Buddha and his sangha to practice and to teach as they did.

And one day,

After Mejia had gone down into the village alone for his alms rounds,

He decided to take a long walk back along the river.

And while he was out walking,

He spotted this incredibly peaceful looking mango grove.

And he thought,

Oh,

Wow,

How beautiful and peaceful.

If I could just go there and meditate by myself away from the sangha,

I could get so much further ahead in my practice.

And this idea was so exciting for him,

Actually,

That when he returned to the sangha to serve his time with the Buddha as his attendant,

He immediately told him about this beautiful place that he'd found and begged him,

Please,

Can I go practice there alone?

But the Buddha told him,

Quote,

As long as I am still alone,

Mejia,

Please stay here with me until another monk comes.

But this young monk really wanted to go sit by himself in that mango grove,

Because he was just certain that he'd found the best place for him to learn and achieve higher wisdom.

He was really excited about it.

And here I'll quote from the Sutta,

Where Mejia says to the Buddha,

Lord,

The Blessed One clearly has nothing further to do,

And nothing further to add to what he has done.

I,

However,

Have something further to do and something further to add to what I have done.

If the Blessed One gives me permission,

I would like to go to the mango grove to exert myself in meditation.

And I kind of love this part of the Sutta,

Because first of all,

This young monk is speaking to the Buddha,

Who's supposedly the enlightened one.

And what he's really trying to do here is to get out of work by suggesting that the Buddha really isn't doing anything and has no further use for him.

So apparently this kind of begging went on for a while until finally the Buddha just gave up and told him,

Okay,

Mejia,

Do what you think is now time to do,

Is what he said.

Do what you think is now time to do.

And Mejia,

Who was,

Of course,

Thrilled about this,

Left the sangha immediately to go back to that blissful looking mango grove to sit.

But after he'd been there for just a little while,

This young monk very quickly discovered that sadly,

He just couldn't concentrate for very long at all.

In fact,

Instead of his practice being peaceful,

As he'd expected,

It was the exact opposite of this.

In the Sutta,

He describes his mind as being quickly filled with,

Quote,

Malicious,

Lustful,

And confused thoughts.

And so he rushed back that evening to report his experience to the Buddha,

Who you might imagine had expected this.

And the Buddha said,

Mejia,

There are five things that cease the troubling qualities of mind and induce release of heart and lasting peace.

Okay,

Five things.

And the first thing he said was this,

To cease the troubling qualities of mind and induce release of heart and lasting peace,

You must have skillful and honorable people as friends and associations,

And avoid unskillful,

Distracting,

And troubling associations.

Okay,

That was the first thing he said.

And after that,

He went on to describe four other qualities he believed would cease the troubling qualities of mind and induce release of heart and lasting peace.

These four included having virtuous conduct,

Developing speech that is effacing and does not promote the ego or self,

Develop the energy and effort for abandoning unwholesome qualities and developing wholesome ones,

And finally,

Gaining insight into impermanence.

Okay,

But here's the important part.

To really take his point home,

The Buddha went through the last list of four things again,

But this time,

He added that very first statement before each of the other qualities.

So his final list looked like this.

When one has skillful and honorable people as friends and associations,

And avoids unskillful,

Distracting,

And troubling associations,

It is expected that one will have virtuous conduct,

Develop speech that is effacing and does not promote the ego or self,

Develop the energy and effort for abandoning unwholesome qualities and developing wholesome ones,

And have insight into impermanence.

So here,

Once again,

He's telling us that who we choose to associate with in this life is absolutely essential for our own happiness,

Our emotional well-being,

And the quality of our lives,

As well as the development of our own personal character as we continue to walk through this life.

In another sutta,

The Itthivuttaka Sutta,

The Buddha goes so far as to declare this.

With regard to external factors,

I do not envision any other single factor like admirable friendship as doing so much for a monk in training.

Any other single factor.

So even though most of us,

Of course,

Aren't monks or nuns,

The idea here is that as much as we'd like to believe differently,

We really can't do this alone,

Mainly because we really aren't alone ever.

We're all truly interconnected and interdependent with one another.

And again,

Because of this,

It's vitally important as part of our ongoing practice then to seek out those who are going to help us in our spiritual,

Emotional,

And mental development.

The Pali word for this type of friend or,

Quote,

Admirable association in the suttas,

Or even light,

If you will,

Is kalyāṇamitra,

Or spiritual friend.

And in the teachings,

Kalyāṇamitra is sometimes called a gathering of kin.

And you might think of the more modern term kindred spirit or kindred spirits.

In the Pali language,

Kalyāṇa means lovely or beautiful,

And mitra means friend.

So kalyāṇamitra is often translated as an association or affiliation with the lovely,

Which sounds a bit British to me somehow,

But really that's how it translates,

An association or affiliation with the lovely.

Traditionally,

Kalyāṇamitra means people in our meditation group or sangha,

As well as our teacher.

And those on the path are often called dharma brothers and sisters,

Or again,

Kin.

But since most of us don't live in a monastery,

And because our spiritual lives are not disconnected from our actual lives,

Kalyāṇamitra essentially means all those people that we choose to surround ourselves with.

Years ago,

I remember reading an article that basically suggested that we can all discern one another's character,

Even our own,

By taking note of the five people that someone spends the most time with,

Right?

So for instance,

If you notice that almost all of someone's closest friends have been arrested and charged as crooks,

Chances are they're likely also a crook.

Just for a moment,

You might even consider this for yourself.

Who are the five people that you spend the most time with in your life?

Who are the five people that you spend the most time with in your life?

Think about that for a minute.

I can't remember who said it,

But I also find it really helpful to remember this phrase,

Which is,

If you look at the people in your circle,

You don't get inspired,

Then you don't have a circle,

You have a cage.

The Dhammapada,

The Buddha,

Actually offers us some sage advice about this.

He says,

Delight in vigilance,

Protect your own mind,

Lift yourself from a bad course like an elephant sunk in mud.

If you find an intelligent companion,

A fellow traveler,

A sage of good conduct,

You should travel together,

Delighted and mindful,

Overcoming all dangers.

If you do not find an intelligent companion,

A fellow traveler of good conduct and wise,

Travel alone.

There is no companionship with a fool.

It is better to go alone.

Travel alone at ease,

Doing no evil.

So with all of that being said,

How exactly do we go about doing this?

How do we discern who in this life that we want to travel with?

And as I mentioned before,

There are many suttas in the canon that point to the qualities that we want to look for in our companions,

But I think a great place to start is usually with the Mita Sutta,

Or the Discourse on Friends.

In this scripture,

The Buddha gives us some very specific advice,

And honestly,

Whenever I think of this sutta,

What I find kind of fascinating is that even though these teachings are thousands of years old,

They still really ring true today.

So in this sutta,

The Buddha asks us to seek out friends with these seven admirable qualities.

And here I'll read a direct translation from the sutta,

Which tells us this.

These are the seven qualities of an admirable friend.

They give what is hard to give and do what is hard to do.

They endure words that are difficult to endure.

Their secrets they tell you,

Your secrets they keep.

When misfortunes strike,

They don't abandon you.

When you're down and out,

They do not look down on you.

The person in whom these traits are found is a friend to be cultivated by anyone wanting a friend.

And we'll go through these a little more again,

But as a practice,

I like to contemplate sometimes what the Buddha is telling us by imagining what the opposite of this advice might look like.

So as a comparison,

I thought it might be interesting to look at the flip side of these qualities and become aware of those who we might really not want to associate with.

So if we turn it around,

This would mean that the people who we want to avoid possess these qualities.

This person gives what is easy to give.

They do what is easy to do.

They only endure words that are easy to endure.

They do not reveal their secrets to us and they do not keep our secrets.

When misfortunes strike,

They abandon you.

When you're down and out,

They look down on you.

And when I think of these seven qualities,

What occurs to me is that they all involve three attitudes that modern psychologists say are essential for any good relationship.

And these three things are trust,

Respect,

And mutual support.

And I'll repeat those,

Trust,

Respect,

Mutual support.

And honestly,

All three of them really go together.

But the truth is that you might notice that if any one of these qualities is missing in a relationship,

It's likely not going to be a very good or stable one.

So with that in mind,

If we take a look at the seven qualities that the Buddha mentions in terms of those three attitudes that are required for a good relationship,

We can see that they're all missing in what might be considered,

Again,

A more unstable or even a toxic relationship.

So as an example,

If someone is continually unwilling to give you anything other than the easiest thing for them to give,

Then they aren't really offering you their trust,

Respect,

Or mutual support.

If they can't hear any kind of criticism or be with you and your emotions in any kind of meaningful way,

And can only endure words that are easy to endure,

Then again,

They are not offering you their trust,

Respect,

Or mutual support.

If they won't reveal their secrets to you,

Or maybe if they won't allow themselves to be in some way vulnerable with you,

Or they don't respect your vulnerability or your truth,

Then again,

They're not offering you trust,

Respect,

Or mutual support.

If they abandon you when you're struggling in some way,

Again,

They're not offering you trust,

Respect,

Or mutual support.

And finally,

If they're in some way judging you or looking down on you when you're going through a tough patch,

They are also not offering you their trust,

Respect,

Or mutual support.

One of my favorite teachers,

Rick Hansen,

Who is also a psychologist and a neuroscientist,

Says that he believes there are three things that we need in a good relationship,

Which are safety,

Satisfaction,

And connection.

And I think they relate to those other three things in this way.

If we have trust,

We have safety,

Don't we?

If we have trust,

We have safety.

If we have respect,

We have a sense of satisfaction.

And if we have mutual support,

We then have connection.

So those three attitudes relate to our needs,

And they're all essential for a good relationship.

In the sutta that we explored in the last talk,

The Sigalovata Sutta,

The Buddha refines our discernment of a good relationship even more by describing four types of friends that we should very consciously try to seek out in our lives.

And in the sutta,

These four admirable companions are described as the helper,

The friend who endures in good times and bad,

The mentor,

And the compassionate friend.

Of course,

Sometimes one person can be a few or even all of these.

And I'd like to read you the description of these types of friends directly from the sutta.

And as I do,

You might notice that these four types of friends tend to have those same seven positive qualities that the Buddha laid out for us in the Mita Sutta.

So as you're listening,

You might even also consider two questions for yourself,

Which is,

Is there anyone in my life who resembles this person or these people?

And could I be one or more of these to someone else?

So the first is the helper.

This person,

And I'm reading from the sutta,

This person protects you when you are vulnerable and likewise protects your wealth,

Is a refuge when you're afraid,

And in various tasks provides double what is requested.

That's the helper.

The second type of friend is the enduring friend.

This person tells you their secrets,

Guards your secrets closely,

Does not abandon you in misfortune,

And might even die for you.

This is the enduring friend.

The third admirable companion or friend is the mentor.

This person restrains you from wrongdoing,

Guides you towards good actions,

Tells you what you ought to know,

And shows you the path to enlightenment.

It's the mentor.

The fourth admirable companion is the compassionate friend.

This person does not rejoice in your misfortune,

Delights in your good fortune,

Prevents others from speaking ill of you,

And encourages others who praise your good qualities.

So again,

As a way of contemplating these,

We might consider the opposite type of friend.

What might that look like?

So for instance,

We might ask ourselves,

Does someone in my life not protect me when I'm vulnerable or not protect my wealth?

Or is not a refuge when I'm feeling afraid and provides almost nothing of what is requested by me?

Maybe does someone in my life not tell me their secrets or in some way close themselves off from me or maybe does not guard my secrets?

Does someone maybe abandon me in my misfortune or when things aren't going well?

Does someone in my life not restrain me from wrongdoing or maybe even encourages it in some way?

Does someone in my life somehow rejoice in my misfortune or maybe refuse to delight in my good fortune?

Does this person not prevent others from speaking ill of me or does not tend to praise my good qualities?

I think these are just such wise,

Relevant questions that we can all ask ourselves if we're willing to be really honest about our relationships and notice what they're truly offering to the quality of our lives.

Sometimes though,

It can be really helpful to have a more general type of question that we can ask ourselves about all of our relationships and I really love this one from the modern teacher Orangey Sofer who says,

The question we examine again and again on this path is what qualities of heart-mind constitute that relationship?

Is it characterized by confusion,

Craving,

Fear,

Manipulation,

Hostility or is it characterized by the clarity of wisdom,

The brightness of generosity and the warmth of compassion?

So just for a moment,

I'd like to invite you to reflect again on the people that you've surrounded yourself with.

Maybe just pick one person in your life and maybe ask yourself that same question and if it's available and if you'd like,

You might even close your eyes for this.

So you can really consider thinking about this person,

Asking yourself this question.

What qualities of heart-mind constitute the relationship?

Is it characterized by confusion,

Craving,

Fear,

Manipulation,

Hostility or is it characterized by the clarity of wisdom,

The brightness of generosity and the warmth of compassion?

Just taking a moment to consider.

And of course,

As we're contemplating our relationships,

We can't forget the most important one which is the one we have with ourselves,

Our own inner relationship which we're involved in 24 hours a day.

So you might even consider that same question again as it regards your relationship to yourself.

What qualities of heart-mind constitute that relationship?

Is it characterized by confusion,

Craving,

Fear,

Manipulation,

Hostility or is it characterized by the clarity of wisdom,

The brightness of generosity and the warmth of compassion?

It's something to consider and after you've considered that,

You might even go further and consider the four types of friends the Buddha asks us to cultivate and ask yourself honestly,

What type of friend am I to myself?

So you might ask,

Am I a helper for myself?

Do I protect myself when I'm vulnerable and likewise protect my wealth?

Am I a refuge for myself when I'm afraid?

Am I an enduring friend to myself?

Do I allow myself to acknowledge my own secrets and guard them from those who might do me harm?

Do I agree to not abandon myself when I experience some misfortune?

You might consider,

Am I a good mentor for myself?

Do I restrain myself from wrongdoing and guide myself towards good actions?

You might consider,

Am I a compassionate friend to myself?

Do I delight in my own good fortune and not beat myself up for my misfortunes?

Do I speak ill of myself or to others?

Do I delight in my own good qualities?

And I'm going to be offering a meditation at the end that goes a little deeper into this,

A little slower,

But as you consider all the different ways that you may have answered those questions,

Instead of judging yourself for some of the ways you might not treat yourself so well,

You might take the Buddha's advice and make a conscious effort to really practice nurturing those aspects of friendship that you would like to nurture and develop within yourself and for yourself.

Because of course,

The more we can become that kind,

Caring,

Compassionate friend for ourselves,

It just naturally allows us to offer ourselves out in the same way to others more and more often.

As my favorite Buddhist nun,

Pema Chodron,

Tells us,

When we build a house,

We start by creating a stable foundation.

Just so,

When we wish to benefit others,

We start by developing warmth or friendship for ourselves.

And again,

In all of our relationships,

Including the one with ourselves,

We are being asked to engage in a way that is going to help us to nurture those qualities of friendliness,

Kindness,

Compassion,

Forgiveness,

Joy,

And peace,

And abandon those qualities that really reflect the opposite of these.

Remembering,

Of course,

That these are all ideals,

And that none of us are perfect,

Which is why we actually need one another,

So that we can either mirror these qualities or learn to develop them as we're relating with both ourselves and others.

The great writer John O'Donohue wrote about good friendship this way.

He said,

Your Kalyana Mitra,

Your noble friend,

Will not accept pretension,

But will gently and very firmly confront you with your own blindness.

No one can see their life totally,

And there is a blind spot in the retina of the human eye.

There is also in the soul a blind side where you're not able to see.

Therefore,

You must depend on the one you love to see for you,

Where you cannot see for yourself.

Your Kalyana Mitra complements your vision in a kind and critical way.

Such friendship is creative and critical.

It is willing to negotiate awkward and uneven territories of contradiction and woundedness.

The great monk Ajahn Amaro said this about Kalyana Mitra.

He said,

From an idealistic position,

One could say,

It is better to do it on your own.

That's the way to be strong.

But for most of us,

It's very easy to be fooled,

To follow our own desires and fears,

And to be dishonest with ourselves.

Living amongst like-minded people provides a great mirror to see our own preferences,

Our own fears and shortcomings.

And here I hope you'll notice the phrase like-minded people.

Again,

These are our Kalyana Mitra,

Our spiritual gathering of kin,

All of whom,

Including ourselves,

Are imperfect,

But who all have the same intention,

Which is really crucial.

If our intention is to be kind and compassionate,

Forgiving and truthful in all of our relationships,

Including the one with ourselves,

This is where we can grow and mature and remember not only our innate goodness,

But also our innate connection with all beings.

We can remember our true belonging.

And before I finish with a meditation on friendship,

I wanted to offer these words from one of my teachers,

Tara Brock,

Who tells us this.

Having spiritual friends is not a superficial comfort.

It helps free us from a trance of separation so deep we are often not aware of it.

Conscious relationships shine a direct light both on our layered feelings of unworthiness and loneliness and on the truth of our belonging.

We begin to respond more compassionately and actively to the suffering of the world.

Our real community,

We discover,

Includes all beings.

It includes all beings.

So as you're ready,

And if it's available,

I'd like to invite you into a meditation on friendship.

And if you're out walking,

Maybe you're unable to sit or close your eyes,

You might begin by just grounding yourself in your body,

Connecting to the earth in some way,

Maybe sensing your feet as you're walking or sensing the sit bones wherever you are,

Maybe in the car or at home,

Finding a comfortable posture.

And for all,

You might even just take a nice deep breath in,

Slow breath out,

Relaxing the mind and the body on the exhale,

Breathing in,

Breathing out,

Letting the shoulders drop,

Softening the tummy.

You might imagine the skin all around the body softening,

Loosening,

Might let the face be soft,

Forehead smooth,

Cheeks,

Jaw,

Letting the teeth separate slightly,

Still breathing.

For some of you,

You might place a hand on the heart or maybe one hand on the heart,

One on the belly,

Just to get in touch with the body and the heart,

If that feels good.

And if you have your hand on your heart or maybe not,

See if you can tap into the heart center,

Drop out of the mind a bit and go directly to your heart.

My heart is so wise if we allow it to be heard.

We usually go to the mind for answers,

But the answers are usually right in the heart.

So as you're ready,

I'd like to invite you to spend some time noticing what kind of friend you are to yourself.

Again,

Using the template of the four types of friends that the Buddha urges us to cultivate,

Remembering really important as you consider all of these,

That not a single one of us is perfect.

This is a practice.

None of us is perfect in this.

So instead of judging yourself for some of the ways you might not treat yourself so well as your own friend,

You might instead make a conscious effort to practice nurturing again those aspects of friendship that you would really like for yourself.

So as you're ready,

You might begin by considering,

Am I a helper for myself?

Am I a helper for myself?

Do I protect myself when I'm vulnerable?

Do I protect my own wealth,

Which could include your mental wealth?

Am I a refuge for myself when I'm afraid?

Am I a refuge for myself when I am afraid?

As you're ready,

You might now consider,

Am I an enduring friend to myself?

Am I an enduring friend to myself?

Do I allow myself to acknowledge my own secrets and guard them from those who might do me harm?

Do I agree to not abandon myself when I experience some misfortune?

Do I agree to not abandon myself when I experience some misfortune?

Now as you're ready,

You might consider,

Am I a good mentor for myself?

Am I a good mentor for myself?

Do I restrain myself from wrongdoing and guide myself towards good actions?

Do I restrain myself from wrongdoing and guide myself towards good actions?

Now as you're ready,

You might consider,

Am I a compassionate friend to myself?

Do I delight in my own good fortune and not beat myself up for my misfortunes?

You might ask,

Do I speak ill of myself to myself or to others?

Do I speak ill of myself to myself or to others?

You might also consider,

Do I delight in my own good qualities?

Do I allow myself to delight in my own good qualities as a compassionate friend?

And finally,

With the eyes still closed,

Just listening to these words from one of my favorite poets,

Rosemary Watula Tromer,

Who tells us this.

In times of great darkness,

I want to do for you what the sun does for me,

Coax you to come outside to breathe in the golden air.

I want to warm you and enter you,

Fill you with brilliance,

Make your muscles melt,

Make your mind shush.

I want to prepare for you luminous paths that span across deep space,

Thaw any part of you that feels frozen,

Find any cracks and slip shine into them.

I want to intensify your shadow so you might better know your own shape.

I want to encourage you to open wider,

Wider,

Want to teach you to write your name in light.

Namaste and blessings.

I hope you enjoyed this talk.

These talks are always offered freely so that no one is ever denied access to these teachings and your support really makes a difference.

Dana is an ancient Pali word meaning spontaneous generosity of heart.

If you feel inspired to offer Dana,

You can do so by visiting my website at www.

Mindfulvalley.

Com.

Thank you so much.

Reviews

Thank you for having enumerated these qualities that come along with fan firing friends including oneself. And I appreciate the gentle friendly fashion that you’ve displayed in your recording. ✨

Beautiful talk, and I appreciate the placement of the ’ask’ sheet the bell. Lovely and thoughtful all around, thank you again.

So much to absorb and practice in this towards a wholesome presence. Thank you

Thank you. I look forward to your other talks

Beautifully woven together with clarity, insight and encouragement. 🙏🏼

Truly amazing. Helped me to examine my existing friendships and think deeply about my relationship with myself... all in 45 minutes! Most grateful thanks 🌟

Shelly, this was an amazing meditation and learning experience (again). Such wisdom and sooo much knowledge and wisdom and truth. One of the best meditation ever.
Namaste 🙏
Peace and Love 💕 Always 🙏

Insightful and encouraging thank you so much

This is just what I needed! I have been very confused about pulling back from a friend who exhausts me because I thought it was not compassionate. This helped a lot.

How beautifully compelling … Namaste 🙏 🕊💕🌹

Well explored and explained
Enlightening ⚡️ The poem at the end is golden

What Treasure. Thank you.

The meditation segment of this talk made me emotional and gave me a healthy way of expressing vulnerability within myself. Thank you for this lovely talk, it was needed.

Awesome talk thank you so much really put perspective on myself & people surrounding me

This was beautilfully put together and very well spoken. Your voice and tone just perfect. Enjoyed every minute. Thank you for your time and teachings Namaste 🙏🌸

🙏🏻 Very timely message...
It's hard to let go of people you care deeply for, even when having them in your life creates so much pain.

I was unaware of these teachings and have been thinking about friendship lately, so they are timely. Thank you for your efforts to speak truth and instruct 🙏🏻🙏🏻

Insightful, inspirational enlightening. I’ll definitely come back to this one. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

Thank you for an inspiring talk, you are like a mentor to me ❤️ to me safety, satisfaction and connection are important in a friend ❤️ I struggle with self love and was struck about having difficulty in identifying myself as friend, sometimes I cause myself confusion, craving, fear, manipulation and hostile 😞 I still have to work on that ❤️