Permission To Pause

As the teachings show us, for us to respond to suffering – our own, and that of others – it is essential that we consciously permit ourselves to pause, to temporarily take some sacred time to shore up our capacity for wisdom and compassion, so that we don’t allow what’s happening to harden our hearts. This pause is often called “sacred,” because when we allow ourselves to enter it, we become better able to not only see what is true, but what is needed.

Transcript

Bell bell bell bell bell bell bell bell bell bell bell bell bell bell There's now this deadly worldwide pandemic,

Which of course has created a global sense of insecurity around things that most of us tend to worry about a lot anyway,

Our health,

The health of our loved ones,

The economy,

Our finances,

All really big things,

Things that really relate to our very survival.

The pandemic has also changed how we all live and work and pray and gather.

And on top of this,

There's also now of course,

Some massive international uprising around the issue of racial justice.

And all of these things are happening during an incredibly important election year.

And of course,

If we look at history,

We know that this kind of change is actually not new,

Or even unexpected,

Because the truth is everything,

Including ourselves,

Has,

Is,

And will continue to be in what appears to be a never ending process of beginning and ending.

It's just a truth of life and living.

But what's so difficult about the truth of change and impermanence is that it almost always brings with it a sense of fear.

And uncertainty on so many different levels,

Along with grief,

As we grieve what has passed,

Even if in many ways,

What we had might not have been working.

And these two things,

Especially fear and grief,

Are both things that almost universally make us all feel extremely uncomfortable.

Especially when it comes to fear,

Actually,

Almost all of us have a kind of natural aversion to not knowing,

Not knowing what's going to happen next or what's going to change next.

And this is true,

Whether it's the fear of the next minute or the next day or the next year,

Or maybe even the next few decades,

It's not knowing.

And because this not knowing or uncertainty feels so uncomfortable,

As you might imagine,

We also then tend to want to avoid it at all costs.

And we do this in many ways.

We try to deny it or we fight with it or we try to run away from it or maybe we just try to cover it over in hopes that somehow it will just go away.

All of these different strategies are ways that we almost frantically scrabble to reestablish some kind of order,

Some sort of ground beneath our feet.

Even though,

Again,

The truth is that the ground is always and forever constantly shifting and changing.

And the Buddhist teachings,

The impermanent nature of life itself is called a Nicha.

And our task is to learn how we can meet it and calmly be with it and then respond to it with compassion and wisdom,

Rather than trying in some way to avoid it.

Many of you know that one of my favorite teachings on this comes from one of my teachers,

The modern day monk and scholar Bhikkhu Inalyo.

And several years ago,

Actually,

He came up with a very concise forward phrase that he believes kind of sums up the entirety of the Buddhist teachings and practice,

Which is keep calm and calm.

Knowing change,

Keep calmly knowing change.

And this phrase might sound simple,

But as we all know,

In practice,

It's incredibly difficult,

Especially that calm part,

Which is what I really want to talk about now because I think it's a very important part of the Buddhist teachings.

Especially right now,

When the world around us does not feel especially calm or calming.

In conversations I've been having with friends lately,

There seems to be a lot of what I consider the opposite of calm,

Actually.

There's a lot of anxiety,

Fear,

Anger and grief.

And for many even old trauma that's been triggered.

At the same time,

I've also noticed another common emotional theme,

Which is a kind of almost overwhelming pressure for us to do something or do more or to get really busy trying to fix all the things that are happening in our world.

And even in our own personal lives,

It's like there's this universal squeeze.

Many of us are feeling a sense of urgency for us to pull it all together somehow,

Or to put things or ourselves or other people in some kind of order.

So that everything will just stop feeling so out of control or so that the ground beneath our feet might maybe stop moving so fast.

And of course,

Our practice does ask us to learn how we can respond to all the things that are happening in our lives or in our world and to let our hearts open fully to the truth of things so that we can calmly,

Compassionately and wisely take action.

In the Buddhist teachings,

Compassion or karuna in Pali is actually considered a verb because it involves taking action.

It's often been described as a quivering of the heart in response to suffering.

There's a movement to it,

A call to action,

If you will.

So it's like when we can clearly see that something's not working or that something is harming or hurting either ourselves or others or both,

Through compassion,

We are moved to action because we want the suffering to stop.

So we absolutely do want to act,

And we also want to do this wisely with wisdom or prana in Pali because it serves as a balance for our compassion.

In the teachings,

The pairing of wisdom and compassion is often likened to the two wings of a bird and that we need both in order to fly,

In order to discover that balance.

There's also a wonderful analogy that involves rowing a boat that I like.

The idea is that if we only row our boat with one of our oars,

If we only row with wisdom or with compassion,

We're just going to end up going around and around in circles.

So it's really important to remember that we need both in order to move forward,

To row our boat forward.

And yet,

In order for us to discover these two paired qualities of wisdom and compassion and come into some kind of balance or equanimity,

It's also essential that we remember the great importance of the pause,

Which in many ways is the key to our balance.

And before I go into this a little more,

I again want to emphasize here that pausing does not mean that we don't continue in our efforts to act,

To reduce suffering for ourselves or others.

It means that we very consciously give ourselves permission to temporarily take some time for ourselves,

Some precious,

Sacred time,

Time to allow ourselves to actually feel exactly what we're feeling.

Time to shore up our own capacity for wisdom and compassion so that we don't allow whatever's happening to harden our hearts.

Pausing is actually exactly how we soften our hearts,

Which in turn serves to soften our hearts.

Which then opens our minds so that we can more clearly see not only what's happening,

But what's needed.

One of my very favorite Buddhist nuns,

Pema Shodran,

Reminded me of the great importance of pausing.

That we see not only what's happening,

But what's needed.

One of my very favorite Buddhist nuns,

Pema Shodran,

Reminds us,

If we want there to be peace in the world,

We have to be brave enough to soften what is rigid in our hearts,

To find the soft spot and stay with it.

We have to have that kind of courage and take that kind of responsibility.

That is the true practice of peace.

And so if we're not pausing and we're instead frantically running around trying to control things or maybe avoid things,

We're not going to gain any access to that soft spot that Pema is talking about,

Which means we are going to experience a lot of transformation in our own lives.

Or bring any kind of lasting transformation to our world.

And of course this pausing can mean many things.

It can look like pausing for maybe just a single breath.

Or maybe one minute or one hour or one week or longer,

Whatever is needed to reconnect us with our wise,

Compassionate hearts.

And I know that for many of us,

We might feel like if we allow ourselves some time to pause,

To look within,

To be with our emotions,

And to find some common balance that maybe we're in some way being selfish because there's so much that we need to do.

We might feel like there's just no time for pausing.

I was actually feeling like this a lot last month.

I was really struggling with a kind of internalized pressure to do more,

More than I was already doing.

And as I was sitting with this and recognizing a lot of tension and tightness and judgment,

I came across this great article in Linesware magazine that was written by Kyra Jewell,

Who's a wonderful teacher who spent years as a nun in Thich Nhat Hanh's Order of Inner Being.

In this article Kyra tells a story about a time about 20 years ago when she and a group of other monastics were traveling with Thich Nhat Hanh to Berkeley,

Where he was supposed to give a talk.

And the day that they were traveling happened to be 9-11-2001,

And we all know what happened that morning.

So when the monastics were told about this attack,

They all immediately started brainstorming about how they could publicly respond the following day.

But when they told Thich Nhat Hanh about their plans,

Their teacher said,

No,

I don't want you to do that yet.

Tomorrow we're all going to the beach.

And as you might imagine,

The monastics were all kind of stunned by this.

The beach,

Kyra wrote about this.

There had just been a terrorist attack and we needed to respond,

To act.

We didn't understand.

But since he is our teacher,

The next day we all went to the beach.

Rather than speeding up,

We slowed down and were deeply nourished.

We played and ate together and swam in the ocean.

It ended up being a really important time to connect with each other and to feel safe.

We can't create safety for others if we don't feel safe ourselves.

The following day we did all these things we were planning to do,

But those actions came out of a very different place than they would have if we had gone into action right away.

So we love that because in essence they had paused and taken the time to allow themselves to feel what they were feeling about this attack.

And then to nurture their own compassion and wisdom along with a sense of safety.

And this had made all the difference in their following action.

And in retrospect,

When I thought about it,

This response from Thich Nhat Hanh didn't really surprise me actually.

Given that throughout his lifetime,

He strongly emphasized the importance of not only finding,

But exemplifying these qualities of peace and calm.

In one of his very famous teachings,

Which many of you have likely heard,

He tells us this.

In Vietnam,

There are many people called boat people who leave the country in small boats.

Often the boats are caught in rough seas or storms.

The people may panic and boats can sink.

But if even one person aboard can remain calm,

Lucid,

Knowing what to do and what not to do,

He or she can help the boat survive.

His or her expression,

Face,

Voice,

Communicates clarity and calmness,

And people have trust in that person.

They will listen to what he or she says.

One such person can save the lives of many.

Our world,

He says,

Is something like a small boat.

Compared with the cosmos,

Our planet is a very small boat.

We are about to panic because our situation is no better than the situation of the small boat in the sea.

Humankind has become a very dangerous species.

We need people who can sit still and be able to smile,

Who can walk peacefully.

We need people like that in order to save us.

Buddhism says that you,

You are that person,

That each of you is that person.

And I just love that story because it reminds me of how I want to be in the world,

How I want to meet the world,

And also myself whenever I'm feeling angry or fearful or when I'm grieving.

I want to remember to be that kind,

Calm,

Compassionate person for myself as well as for others.

Since if I give myself that time that I need in the pause and the care that I need in that pause,

I'm going to be much better able to offer that same time and care and compassion out where it is needed.

So it's really not a selfish thing at all.

It's actually essential.

And honestly,

Whenever I'm feeling some kind of distress,

The question that I like to ask myself sometimes is who is it that you want to be with right now?

Do you want to be with someone who is also in distress or afraid or angry or judgmental?

Or do you want to be with someone who is calm and kind and compassionate and like Thich Nhat Hanh says can communicate with some sense of clarity?

So I want to be that person for myself.

I also find it helpful to remember another important teaching from the Buddha,

Which is that I am not alone and that none of us are alone.

We all belong to one another and we all need to do our part.

And we also don't need to carry the whole world on our shoulders,

Because really if we think about it,

That's a kind of self-centered thinking,

Isn't it?

This feeling that somehow someone put us in charge of the whole thing.

And in the teachings,

We are urged again and again to learn and to remember that we are interconnected and interdependent.

We all belong to one another and are part of the whole.

And so if for some reason we find ourselves trying to do it all in a way,

We're really cutting ourselves off from this innate belonging by setting ourselves up as some kind of self-imposed fixer.

And in truth,

It's not only harmful to ourselves,

But it actually reduces our own ability to be in any way helpful.

It's a lesson I need to learn a lot actually.

On the wall in my office here,

I actually have a quote from the Trappist monk and scholar Thomas Merton,

Which is a bit ripped and frayed and kind of falling apart because I've had it taped up on my wall for so long and apparently need to be reminded of this on a regular basis.

It says,

To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns,

To surrender to too many demands,

To commit oneself to too many projects,

To want to help everyone in everything,

Is to succumb to violence.

The frenzy of our activism neutralizes our work for peace.

It destroys our own inner capacity for peace.

It destroys the fruitfulness of our own work because it kills the root of inner wisdom,

Which makes work fruitful.

So important.

And again,

To emphasize,

It does not mean that we don't act.

Of course we do.

Of course we do.

But as Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us,

We want to be able to act from a place of calm,

Which comes from giving ourselves time to rest,

Giving ourselves permission,

If you will,

To go to that well,

To go to the ocean,

To fill ourselves up before we get busy pouring ourselves out.

There's actually another great metaphor about this that I love from Amy Van Osdell,

Who talks about a lesson she learned as a choir member in high school.

She said,

Sometimes music requires players or singers to hold a note longer than they can actually hold a note.

In those cases,

We were taught to mindfully stagger when we took a breath.

So the sound appeared uninterrupted.

Everyone got to breathe and the music stayed strong and vibrant.

So take a breath.

The rest of the chorus will sing.

The rest of the band will play.

Rejoin so others can breathe.

Together we can sustain a very long,

Beautiful song for a very,

Very long time.

You don't have to do it all,

But you must add your voice to the song.

I really love that.

And I want to share just one more old parable that I found while I was flipping through one of my husband's woodworking books one day.

It's a story about a woman who was walking through the forest,

And she sees a young man furiously sawing this tree with a really thick trunk.

And the man to her doesn't look very well.

He's drenched in sweat and looks utterly exhausted,

And he actually doesn't seem to be making much progress on this trunk.

So she says to him,

Young man,

You seem to be in quite the hurry to cut through that tree,

But it appears that your saw blade is dull.

But the man is so busy he doesn't even look up from his work.

Sir,

The woman continues,

Why don't you stop for a moment so that you can sharpen your blade?

But without taking the time to even look up from his sawing,

The man says,

Ma'am,

I have to fell this tree,

And then two after that by the end of the day.

I don't have time to sharpen my saw.

So it's such a simple parable,

But when I think about the need for sharpening that saw,

I'm reminded about how our practice is urging us to take the time to sharpen both our minds and our hearts and to not let them become dull or rusty with neglect due to our own unwillingness to pause,

To get quiet in our minds and our bodies and be with our own thoughts and maybe most especially our tender and hurting hearts.

And of course,

Especially during times of chaos and difficulty,

Our unwillingness to pause can often be incredibly strong,

Because if we're honest,

We might not really want to touch that soft spot.

We might not actually want to feel whatever it is that we're feeling,

Because it might just feel like too much.

One of my teachers,

Tara Brock,

Describes it this way,

Often the moment when we most need to pause is exactly when it feels the most intolerable to do so.

Pausing in a fit of anger or when overwhelmed by sorrow or filled with desire may be the last thing we want to do.

Pausing can feel like falling helplessly through space.

We have no idea of what will happen.

We fear we might be engulfed in the rawness of our rage or grief or desire.

Through the sacred art of pausing,

We develop the capacity to stop hiding,

To stop running away from our experience.

We begin to trust in our natural intelligence and our naturally wise heart and our capacity to open to whatever arises.

Tara calls the space the sacred pause,

And the more we practice it,

The more we can sense really how sacred it is.

And one of the main reasons that it's sacred is that it takes us out of our constant doing mode,

That never-ending sawing,

If you will,

And allows us to enter into the being mode,

Into the present,

This moment,

Right now,

However it is,

With whatever we're actually feeling.

And so our practice is really a training for this.

It's training us to consciously choose the pause,

To very mindfully,

Willfully choose to suspend all activity for a time,

To let go and arrive here in the present.

We allow ourselves,

If you will,

To stop sawing,

Even for a moment or a breath.

And in that pause,

We are asked to let go of all the things that we've been holding onto so tightly,

All of our planning and judging and argument and opinion and distraction,

All those things that tend to keep us from feeling what's right here underneath.

So in the pause,

We are allowing whatever's here to just be here with us without any judgment,

Including our thoughts and our emotions or that flood that we might have been holding back through our constant doing.

And because this can be incredibly difficult,

We can help ourselves to be in this pause by again being that kind,

Compassionate presence for ourselves in the pause.

Over the years,

I've learned some very simple affirmations from the teachings that can help us to connect to the sense of unconditional kindness and compassion.

And I'd like to offer some of these to you.

The first one is really simple.

It's just five words from the teacher Sylvia Borstein.

But I personally think it's one of the most powerful.

Very simply,

It's saying to yourself,

Sweetie,

You are in pain.

Sweetie,

You are in pain.

And I love this one because right off the bat,

It's just immediately kind.

Sweetie,

Or whatever kind word you want to use.

And it's also a deep recognition that they're suffering.

You are in pain.

No judgment,

Just a simple statement.

In her teachings,

Sylvia takes this phrase even further by adding these words,

Which is relax,

Take a breath,

Let's pay attention to what's happening,

Then we'll figure out what to do.

Let's pay attention to what's happening,

Then we'll figure out what to do.

In other words,

Once we've allowed ourselves to rest in the pause,

Then we can decide what's most needed,

The most compassionate response,

Which is exactly how we're being asked to practice.

Another great phrase that I find really helpful is from the teacher and writer Christian Neff.

And she says we can say to ourselves something like,

This is a moment of suffering.

Suffering is a part of life.

It's what connects us.

May I be kind to myself.

May I give myself the compassion that I need.

I'll read that again.

This is a moment of suffering.

Suffering is a part of life.

It's what connects us.

May I be kind to myself.

May I give myself the compassion that I need.

We can also try saying something like,

I care about this suffering.

I care about this suffering.

And here you might notice the word this,

Which is the most important.

It means it's not my suffering,

It's the suffering.

Other people are also going through this exact same thing.

We can recognize and access this truth,

And it can help us to not feel so alone.

Another very traditional way that we can work with the recognition of suffering is by actually bringing a sense of gratitude to it.

We can actually bow to the difficulty itself.

And the other truth is,

If we can really stay with it and not run away from it,

This is exactly what's going to help us to learn and transform.

Such an important part of the practice.

Another affirmation that we can use is,

May this suffering serve awakening.

May this suffering serve awakening.

It's something we can really pray for in a way,

Not only for ourselves,

But for others and our world.

Please,

May this suffering in some ways serve awakening.

And we could do an entire hour of meditation this way or a week just praying for this,

Letting that wish for the suffering to stop,

Open our hearts.

Finally,

I want to share an image I like to recall about the pause that came to me from a student a few years back.

She was taking a course with me about learning about the practice,

And she sent me an email.

She said that she was driving in this really heavy rain for miles and miles on the highway.

And she said there was this sort of nervous energy around the rain,

That constant background noise of the rain carried a kind of anxiety with it.

And she was feeling nervous for herself and for everyone around her,

All those people on the highway who were also struggling in this very heavy rain.

And then suddenly in the middle of all of this,

She passed through a wide tunnel.

And in that brief moment under the tunnel,

There was a space and silence,

A brief pause in the middle of all that nervous energy of the rain until it began again.

And that pause,

She said,

Felt so nurturing somehow that she was able to relax just a little bit more.

And this release brought on some tears as she suddenly recognized how fearful and tight she'd been feeling.

And as she wept,

She was able to offer herself and others even more compassion for needing to drive in that awful,

Dangerous weather.

She said,

Shell,

That's just what meditation feels like.

So to end,

I thought I'd offer you a brief meditation and some time to practice this kind of pause.

So I'd like to invite you,

If it's available,

To close your eyes.

You might even place a hand over your heart to get in touch with the heart,

Connect with your heart.

And you might now even take a few nice deep breaths,

Breathing in,

Breathing out.

Becoming fully aware of each inhale,

Each exhale.

Maybe noticing the movement of your breath on your fingertips,

If you have your hand on your heart.

Continuing to breathe,

You might focus more on the exhale and the letting go.

You might consciously relax the body,

Dropping the shoulders.

Be allowing the tummy to soften,

Jaw to relax.

You might allow all the little muscles of the face to soften and melt.

Inhale,

Exhale.

As you continue,

You might also try to connect with the heart and even imagine the shape of the heart.

Maybe imagine breathing right into the heart center.

You might notice if it's possible right now to simply set down that saw,

If you will,

All that you've been doing and carrying.

And listen to what your heart has been trying to say.

Listen.

Can you allow what feels tender and vulnerable to just be here with you fully as that kind,

Calm,

Compassionate presence who is simply here and listening?

You might hear the words,

I'm right here,

I'm listening.

And just see what arises.

You might even try on an affirmation and see what happens when you hear the words.

Sweetie,

You are in pain.

I care about the suffering.

May I please be kind to myself.

May I give myself the compassion I need.

Please,

May this suffering serve awakening.

Staying with it for as long as you need.

Finally,

With the eyes still closed,

Listening to these words from Donna Fowlds,

Who tells us,

Settle in the here and now.

Reach down into the center where the world is not spinning and drink this holy peace.

Feel relief flood into every cell.

Nothing to do.

Nothing to be,

But what you already are.

Nothing to receive,

But what flows effortlessly from the mystery into form.

Nothing to run from or run towards.

Just this breath.

Awareness,

Knowing itself as embodiment.

Just this breath.

Awareness,

Waking up to truth.

I hope you enjoyed this talk.

These talks are always offered freely so that no one is ever denied access to these teachings.

And your support really makes a difference.

Donna is an ancient Pali word meaning spontaneous generosity of heart.

If you feel inspired to offer Donna,

You can do so by visiting my website at www.

Mindfulvalley.

Com.

Thank you so much.

Reviews

Thank you so much. Your meditation talks are really helping me refinding my balance 🙏

Excellent 🌟 Thank you very much for sharing this.

Thank you for this talk, although thankfully the pandemic is not front and center, giving permission to pause is such a kind thought and often I overlook. Today I heeded to the calling!

Wonderful talk. I love the suggestion of taking a sacred pause. I will be mindful to include this often. Namaste.

Really clear and helpful, thank you 🙏

Thanks that was beautiful!

This was incredibly helpful to me. I think for too long I have associated calm with complacency. You give me a lot upon which to reflect.

That was so lovely, thank you.

stunning, much needed ❤🙏❤

Thank you so much for this talk; it was everything I needed at the moment. ❤ x

Very much needed and helpful at this time. Thank you 🙏

As a crisis mental health clinician, many on my team feel that they have not been able to pause and catch their breath even as infection numbers rise again. I have been talking with them about the importance of a purposeful pause as key to their ongoing mental health as neccessary workers. I happened upon this teaching and feel so very blessed by the offering as it reminded me of my own need for the sacred pause incredibly beautifully. Namaste.

Thank you. A reminder to pause in this chaos and that "through the suffering there is awakening" if we allow ourselves to see it. You have started my day with a sense of peace and awareness. Namaste

just what I needed at this time. thank you. Namaste. ❤️

really helpful. I especially liked the description of compassion and the permission to stop fixing.

this has been a pleasure to sit and listen to. in my garden with a dog by my side ... thank you for this teaching

Beautiful centering talk, thank you for your kind and supportive words☮️

Thank you!!❤️🙏🏽

Just wauw... will listen to this one regularly. Thank you. 🙏❤

a powerful reminder to seek the pause in times of fear and grief and change. thank you