Keep Calmly Knowing Idiots: Practices For Working With Anger

Whenever there seems to be a gap between what is, and how we want it to be, we tend to experience frustration or anger. Yet, if we can allow ourselves to let go of our strong expectations, our suffering can often drop dramatically. In this new talk, Shell offers us some tips for how we can use our mediation practice to slowly loosen our grip, and discover more freedom, joy, and ease.

Transcript

GONG So a few weeks ago,

Right before Thanksgiving,

There was this young man in a meditation workshop that I was leading who raised his hand and shared with the group that he was a little worried about visiting his family over the holidays.

Mainly because of one particular relative who he said was consistently irritating and usually caused him to become angry.

And so I decided to ask for a show of hands just to see if anyone else in the workshop had difficulty with feelings of anger or irritation with certain relatives.

And not only did every single person raise their hand,

But each one also raised their other hand and also both of their feet.

So I don't think any of us expected that to happen.

And so we all kind of exploded in laughter because,

You know,

There we were an entire classroom full of people all waving both their hands and their feet in the air about dealing with difficult relatives.

And so I took that as a kind of clear indicator that this is what I should probably talk about this month about how we can use our practice to work with the emotion of anger and irritation,

Especially during the holidays.

And just to really keep it real,

Because obviously this is something that most of us experience in one way or another.

And of course,

Anger is simply a very natural human emotion.

And it's one that we all experience,

Even though when questioned,

Many of us might want to try to deny this in some way or even hide it from ourselves or maybe even punish ourselves in some way for even feeling it.

But as the teachings show us,

Anger,

Along with all the other emotions,

Is not something that we need to deny in ourselves.

It's actually something that we are asked to recognize and to know and to investigate,

All of which can help us,

Of course,

To work with our anger rather than reacting to it or acting out on it.

And especially,

We really never want to suppress our anger or stuff it down somewhere.

It's actually a great teaching that I like about this from the Tibetan master Lama Surya Das,

Who tells us this.

He says,

Emotional energy,

Such as anger,

Is just like a swollen balloon.

If you push it down somewhere,

It bulges out somewhere else.

That pressure has nowhere to go.

So when we press down on or repress this anger,

It makes us sick.

Maybe it bulges out into our organs,

Gives us ulcers,

Migraine,

Headaches,

Hypertension,

Cancer,

Kidney stones.

So I find this really important to remember because sometimes we can do this kind of stuffing,

Not just for a few minutes,

An hour,

A week,

But sometimes for years or even maybe decades.

And what happens is that the anger tends to then morph into something else,

Again,

Like depression or apathy or bitterness or maybe even a kind of numbness.

So it can be really helpful to remember that none of our emotions,

Including anger,

Are in any way wrong.

We are human.

So it's just very natural for us to feel.

And yet so often our tendency is to run away from the experience of anger or judge it or reject it or try to label it as somehow unspiritual or maybe even evil.

For instance,

We might think,

You know,

I must not be as enlightened as I think I am because here I am feeling this anger.

Or maybe I must not be a nice or even a kind person because I'm feeling so angry.

We might even tag on an identity of mean or selfish or another kind of negative label onto whatever we're experiencing.

And sometimes we might even be afraid of our anger,

Like we might be afraid that if we allow ourselves to actually feel it,

It will somehow turn into an uncontrollable rage or that we ourselves might somehow turn into a kind of monster.

On the other hand,

We might be afraid that if we allow ourselves to feel our anger,

We'll be punished somehow.

So what happens is that we end up punishing ourselves instead to save other people the trouble.

But again,

Islamah Surya Das tells us whenever we turn our anger inside,

It tends to make us sick in some way.

As the teacher Cheryl Richardson tells us,

If you avoid conflict to keep the peace,

You start a war inside yourself.

Many years ago,

Actually,

The Dalai Lama was asked by a reporter if he ever felt angry or outraged and his holiness laughed out loud.

And he said,

Oh,

Yes,

Of course,

I'm a human being.

Generally speaking,

If a human being never shows anger,

Then I think something's wrong.

Then he pointed to his head and said,

He's not right in the brain.

And that was so helpful for me to remember that even his holiness gets angry.

It's really OK.

And sadly,

Again,

I think so many of us tend to judge ourselves for feeling any of our very human emotions,

Especially the difficult ones.

No,

Not only anger,

But feelings of sadness or envy or shame.

And fortunately,

Though,

Whenever we believe that whatever we're feeling is in some way wrong,

We then tend to identify with those feelings and end up defining or labeling ourselves as wrong.

And so,

For instance,

Instead of just noticing that the emotion of anger or irritation has arisen or is present,

We tend to become or personalize the emotion and label ourselves as an angry person.

Instead of just recognizing that we are experiencing the very natural human energy of anger,

Which is just passing through.

So there are many,

Many reasons that we tend to judge or avoid our anger.

But the truth is,

The strong energy of anger especially can often be very healthy because it can show us exactly where we're stuck or it can let us know when something isn't right and that wise action really needs to be taken.

That anger is a very powerful,

Necessary energy and can be a wise messenger that needs to be completely embraced and heard and felt whenever it arises.

And the great news is that if we can learn to listen to it without immediately reacting or acting out,

Anger almost always contains within it a deep and potentially transformative message for us.

If we can allow ourselves to simply be with it and to listen closely to what it is trying to tell us.

And by the way,

This type of listening does not at all mean that we're being asked to practice or cultivate our anger.

So we're not screaming into our pillows or expressing it in some way like breaking bottles or punching things or maybe screaming at people.

As the Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh tells us,

When you express your anger,

You think that you're getting anger out of your system,

But that's not true.

When you express your anger,

Either verbally or with physical violence,

You are feeding the seed of anger and it becomes stronger in you.

Also,

I think it's important to remember that because anger is considered a kind of poison,

We actually don't want to continue drinking the poison or maybe getting drunk on it.

What we do want to do is pay close attention to it whenever it arises and to actually allow ourselves to feel it and again,

To explore what it is trying to tell us.

As Thich Nhat Hanh frequently advises us,

The way out is in,

The way out is in.

And happily for us,

Our practice is so helpful for this in so many different ways.

So for starters,

Just being able to clearly recognize that we're irritated or frustrated or angry in the moment that is happening can almost immediately help us to detach from it a little bit.

It can help us to not get so caught up in it or take it so personally.

Because,

Of course,

If you really think about it,

The degree to which we take something personally is truly exactly the degree to which our anger is going to be experienced.

And this is actually the same for just about anything that we experience and it's one of the main reasons that so much of our practice involves training ourselves to let go of our strong sense of self,

Especially our strong sense of feeling personally wronged or personally offended,

Which as we all know is incredibly difficult and why it's called a practice.

So about 30 years ago now,

When I was in my late 20s,

I received this incredibly helpful tip about how to depersonalize my interactions with my relatives from a woman who was much wiser and older than me,

Who I truly believe was a kind of living Buddha in disguise.

Her suggestion actually was so surprisingly helpful that I still use it to this day.

So I hope that some of you listening might find it helpful as well.

What she said was that especially when we're about to visit family,

It can be a great exercise to just take some time to make some mental or even written reminders of what particular family members tend to do or say on a regular basis that we know is likely going to upset us.

And then when we're with them and they do or say that thing that we fully expect them to do or say,

We can make a mental checkmark right in the moment,

Just like we're checking a box like check.

Okay,

They did that or yep,

Check.

There it is.

That thing I expected them to say.

And honestly,

If you haven't tried this yet,

I really urge you to just experiment with it.

The first time I tried it,

I actually found myself laughing out loud because I have to admit it was a little bit fun.

And today,

All these many years later,

What I recognize is that what my friend essentially gave me was an excellent way or a tool to depersonalize my difficult experiences with people.

It kind of tricked me into not taking other people's behavior as a personal affront to my identity or to my sense of self,

Especially behavior that is regular or habitual,

Behavior that's a pattern.

Because if we really think about it,

The truth is that so often people do exactly what we expect them to do much of the time.

So for instance,

We can mostly just expect that when we travel somewhere in our cars,

The people are going to drive in ways that are inconsiderate and dangerous and selfish.

We can also pretty much expect that some people out there are going to be rude to us or even insult us,

Right?

We can also expect that certain coworkers or clients are going to irritate us in some way.

We can also just expect that some people are not going to agree with our opinions or our political views or the way that we lead our lives.

And we can also expect that some relatives are just going to do or say things that kind of sting us.

And we can also remind ourselves that none of us are alone in this.

We all experience difficult interactions with people and we will continue to experience them for as long as we live.

In the Dhammapada,

Which is the famous collection of phrases from the Buddha,

It is said,

Ancient is the saying,

It is not just of today.

They find fault in one sitting silently.

They find fault in one speaking much.

They find fault in one speaking moderately.

No one in this world is not found at fault.

No person can be found who has been,

Is or will be only criticized or only praised.

I actually just love to remember that passage because it reminds me that people haven't changed much since the fifth century when this was first written.

And to remember that taking it all personally is actually exactly what causes us to experience so much pain and unhappiness,

So much dukkha,

Which is the Pali word for suffering.

So essentially then,

What so much of it really comes down to is our expectations.

And anger especially tends to be what we habitually experience whenever there seems to be a gap between what is and how we want it to be.

And again,

According to the Buddhist teachings,

This is the classic way that we suffer.

To paraphrase the modern day teacher Adyashanti,

Whenever we battle with reality,

We suffer.

Many years ago,

The great teacher Joseph Goldstein said that dukkha can often be described in more modern terms as disappointment or dissatisfaction.

Which if we think about it means that we're disappointed or dissatisfied in some way with what is and how we want it to be.

So again,

The idea is that if through our practice,

We can learn to unhook ourselves from our expectations of others and even ourselves,

And to stop taking their words and behaviors so personally,

Our suffering around this can drop dramatically in almost the exact proportion to how much we can allow ourselves to let it go.

As part of our ongoing practice around this,

Then whenever we find ourselves frustrated or irritated or angry,

We might even ask ourselves some key questions.

So for instance,

We might ask ourselves,

What am I defending here?

Or maybe what sense of self am I defending?

We might ask,

Has someone or something threatened my identity or my sense of self?

Or we might consider has someone or something triggered some old unwanted identity in me?

We might also consider has someone done something to upset the way I think things should be or how I think that other people or that person should be?

Or we could even ask,

Am I stuck in some way in a cycle of he should,

She should,

They should,

Or I would never,

Or maybe I should,

Etc.

Remembering,

Of course,

That it isn't that we don't ever try to change things or that we allow people to continue to act or behave in ways that are harmful.

What we're being asked to do is to let go of our shoulds,

Which means,

Again,

Letting go of our expectations of how we think life situations,

People and even ourselves should be.

In fact,

If we really start to investigate,

We might start to notice that almost all of our shoulds tend to be toxic.

Because whenever we're stuck in a should,

It means that we're in some way holding on or clinging,

Which again,

According to the Buddha,

Is exactly why we suffer.

And as we all know,

Experientially,

Whenever we continue to hold on to something that stings us,

It's a little like holding on to a bee.

It's just going to continue to sting us over and over and over and just make it that much more painful for us and maybe take that much more time to heal from.

Just recently,

My husband actually came up with another great exercise for letting go of our shoulds and depersonalizing our encounters.

And this one actually applies to strangers,

So I want to share it.

So a few weeks ago,

Our niece and nephew who are living in Birmingham,

Alabama right now,

Invited us to visit them for Thanksgiving.

And for whatever reason,

We decided to drive there instead of fly,

Which meant that we were traveling in the car for about 13 hours in holiday traffic.

And so,

As you might expect,

There were more than a few people on the road who weren't being especially mindful or careful or very generous with the road,

If you will.

And initially,

Whenever someone would do something like weave through traffic like a NASCAR driver and almost cause an accident,

We kind of grouch about it a bit.

And most of it,

Most all of it actually involved our beliefs and thoughts about that so and so shouldn't be doing that or,

Gosh,

I would never do that,

Etc.

But after about five or six hours of this,

Brent came up with a new way to deal with these incidents by altering the words of a phrase that I use so often.

Most of my students know it by heart.

The original phrase is from one of my favorite teachers,

Biku Inayo,

Who has very famously summed up our entire practice in just four words,

Keep calmly knowing change.

Cold practice,

Keep calmly knowing change.

I actually love that phrase so much that two different students have made me two different bumper stickers with those words on it.

And so we're actually always traveling with these words.

But now,

Thanks to Brent,

We have a new version of this phrase for our travels,

Which is keep calmly knowing idiots.

Keep calmly knowing idiots.

And it does sound awful,

But honestly,

After I laughed out loud when he said it,

I realized that it was really another version of the practice that my friend gave me about 30 years ago,

Which is that if we can actually expect it,

It can help us to depersonalize it and not suffer so much.

Because again,

Other people are simply going to continue to do what they're going to do.

And if we react to every inconsiderate driver or take every single action or comment personally,

It's only going to add another layer of pain or dukkha to what we are already experiencing.

It reminds me of a great short quote from Rumi that I like to remember,

Which is,

If you are irritated by every rub,

How will your mirror be polished?

If you are irritated by every rub,

How will your mirror be polished?

It also relates to a famous analogy from Buddha,

Who once gave a sermon about being shot by two arrows.

As he explained it,

The first arrow that we're pierced with is the pain of whatever's happening,

Right?

So someone cuts us off in traffic or maybe a relative says something to us that touches a sore spot.

Or maybe something happens out there in the culture that we believe shouldn't be happening.

And because we're human,

We are all going to experience the initial ouch of these experiences,

You know,

Ouch,

That arrow just pierced me or ouch,

You know,

That hurts.

And what the practice is urging us to do here is to really allow ourselves to actually feel the pain of that first arrow with great kindness and compassion and patience.

In fact,

We are urged to actually recognize it and acknowledge it and let it wash through us fully so that we will have some clarity to assess how best to wisely and compassionately respond or to care for ourselves and others.

According to the teachings,

Though,

What we tend to do instead is to shoot a second arrow into our own hearts by taking all of these experiences personally.

And also by chewing on them and really reliving them and dissecting them or even maybe planning a revenge.

So instead of just taking care of the hurt or frustration or anger that we're experiencing in the moment,

We tend to cause ourselves so much more suffering around our experiences by how we react to them and by what we're believing,

Which usually includes a sense of this shouldn't be happening or this shouldn't have happened.

As my favorite nun,

Pema Chodron,

Tells us,

If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart,

It is fruitless to stand there and yell at the person.

It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there is an arrow in your heart.

And for me,

What's really helpful to remember is that truly,

We really don't have a lot of control over that first arrow.

Right?

So,

For instance,

None of us chooses to be disrespected or insulted or to be on the receiving end of harmful words or behavior.

What we do have control over,

Though,

Is that second arrow,

Which is the one that we ourselves shoot into ourselves.

So when it comes to anger,

We are asked to just start or stay with that first arrow and to become familiar with the energy of anger,

To really get to know it.

So,

For instance,

The next time you notice that you're feeling frustrated or irritated or even angry,

You might notice that it often has the quality of claustrophobia,

That you're being squeezed into a tight place or boxed in.

Like,

You might notice that it feels hard to breathe or there might be a sense of panic.

Everything might feel tight and constricted.

You might notice that your hands are clenched or your jaw or it might just feel like you want to bust out of your skin.

Or maybe your mind feels like there's a bee trapped in a really small space and it's frantically bumping into the walls trying to get out.

That's how the mind might feel.

In the Buddhist tradition,

Anger is associated with the hell realm,

Which is a place or state of intense pain and claustrophobia.

And so we're really asked to investigate this,

That feeling of being squeezed or boxed in so that we can get to know it and understand it.

I also find it really helpful to know that the root meaning of anger means narrow or constricted.

So in a very real way,

Anger also has a way of hardening us,

Especially as it concerns the heart,

Tends to harden our hearts.

So another question we might ask ourselves whenever we notice that we're angry is,

How does my heart feel right now?

How does my heart feel?

And then really notice if maybe it feels hard or stuck or closed off.

The reason we investigate like this is that the next time anger arises,

Which it will,

We'll be much better able to not only recognize it,

But understand how to work with it so that it doesn't sting us so much or cause us to do something that's going to harm either ourselves or others,

Something we're going to regret.

And of course,

One of the best ways that we can allow ourselves to investigate our frustration or anger when we recognize that it's arisen is to very mindfully,

Consciously take a time out,

Which can be the wisest thing we can do not only for ourselves,

But usually also for the situation itself.

So,

For instance,

We might physically leave the room or decide to take a few deep breaths or even a few minutes of deep breaths or pause.

We might even mindfully ask if we're in a room full of people for a collective pause.

Or we might just simply close our eyes and place our hands on our hearts.

This is often called the sacred pause and mindfully knowing when it is necessary can help us in many ways.

So first can really help us to calm that strong sensation of anger,

Which can cloud our judgment and of course,

Cause us to react in ways that again might be harmful.

And so as you might imagine,

The pause is what can really help us to restrain ourselves so that we don't do or say that thing that we're going to regret.

Even the pause of one simple breath can often save ourselves from doing this.

And if we can take even more mindful breaths,

Even better.

For instance,

One of my rules for myself is do not hit the send button when your heart is still racing.

And I need to confess that this rule has saved me from disaster so many times.

So we first try to calm ourselves down.

And as we do,

What happens is that this also helps to clear our minds a bit so that we can see things a little more clearly.

It's like as we let the smoke slowly clear out of the room of our minds,

We might suddenly see more clearly into what we're believing and how it's contributing to the creation of the sensations of anger.

And then within that clearer space of recognition,

We might then be able to get more in touch with our hearts and with the ouch that we might be experiencing.

And we can allow ourselves to experience the pain of that first arrow,

If you will.

And as we continue then to stay with our hearts and offer ourselves the compassion we might need in that moment,

We're going to be much better able to know how we want to wisely respond rather than react.

And so in essence,

What we're really addressing here is what the Buddha considered the two main antidotes to anger,

Which are patience and kindness.

Two main antidotes,

Patience and kindness.

These two qualities are so important,

Actually,

That they're part of just 10 of what are called the paramis or perfections.

These are qualities that the Buddha taught us are essential for us to nurture in order for us to reduce our suffering and create more joy and ease and freedom in our lives,

These 10.

So the other eight besides metta and patience,

These perfections are generosity,

Virtue,

Renunciation,

Wisdom,

Energy,

Truth,

Determination,

And equanimity.

And if we take a look at all of these different qualities,

Each one can actually be incredibly difficult to actually put into practice,

Especially patience,

Which in Pali is pronounced khanti,

K-h-a-n-t-i in Pali.

And as most of us know,

Not pouring more fuel on the fire of anger can be a real challenge.

In fact,

If we're really being honest with ourselves,

We might even admit that while anger can feel super unpleasant,

It can also sometimes be extremely seductive.

In an interview with Bill Moyers,

Actually,

Pema Chodron explained that anger has a hook to it,

A hook.

She said,

There's something delicious about finding fault with something,

Especially when our egos are involved,

Which is nearly always the case.

We justify it and even feed it.

Right.

And yet,

In almost all cases,

If we investigate a little further,

We might recognize that what we're really doing when we're blaming or finding fault is covering over or protecting a hurt or a fear.

And so what our practice is asking us to do is to allow ourselves to remove our protective armoring of defense or blame,

Even for a little while,

So that we might start to recognize and tap into the hurt and maybe even fear that's been hiding underneath it.

And whenever we can do this,

The very first thing we can apply then is the second main antidote to anger,

Which is kindness or metta in Pali,

Which has often been described as unconditional friendliness.

And so we can practice offering ourselves our own care and compassion and empathy,

Just like a good friend might do for us if they saw that we were somehow in pain.

Just this week,

The teacher Sharon Shelton shared a metaphor for how we can do this that she recently learned from another teacher,

Don Mauricio,

And I asked Sharon if I could share it because I thought it was so beautiful.

And for a visual,

The photo that was included with this showed someone with one hand closed in a tight fist and their other hand gently holding it.

And Sharon explained the practice this way.

She wrote,

When we are holding difficult experiences,

It's like a tight fist,

And we can spend so much time desperately trying to pry our fist open so we can feel better,

Trying to dull the pain,

Deny it,

Fight it,

Negotiate with it,

Indulge it.

It's exhausting and often just exacerbates tension and anxiety around the pain.

Instead,

We can hold our fist with love and compassion as it slowly releases itself in the tender embrace of faith,

Gentleness,

Patience.

This fist of pain will release if we can relax into that loving awareness,

The holding,

And trust the unfolding.

Just beautiful.

Not even if it's available,

Just try that right now.

See if you can hold your own fist with your other hand with gentleness and kindness and patience.

It's a great mudra for us.

There are actually many,

Many different mudras and phrases that I've learned from the teachings over the years that can help us to access the sense of kindness and compassion.

But I'd like to offer you one of my very favorites.

It's actually one that I go to often myself because it's so simple and clear.

It's from the teacher Sylvia Borstein,

Who says that whenever we notice that we're struggling with a difficult emotion,

We might silently just say to ourselves in the moment something like,

Sweetie,

You're in pain,

Or Dear one,

You are in pain.

This is a short,

Beautiful phrase.

It's recognizing and acknowledging right off the bat that there was pain,

Allowing it to be there,

And doing it with great friendliness,

With metta,

Loving kindness.

Not beating ourselves up for feeling the anger,

Whatever other emotion we're experiencing,

But offering ourselves kindness and friendliness,

Compassion.

After we've said that part of the phrase to ourselves,

Sweetie,

You're in pain.

We can then add the second part of it,

Which is relax.

Take a breath.

Let's pay attention to what's happening,

Then we'll figure out what to do.

I'll read that again.

Relax.

Take a breath.

Let's pay attention to what's happening,

Then we'll figure out what to do.

And I just love that because essentially it's really our whole practice in a nutshell.

With great kindness and compassion,

We recognize or acknowledge what's happening and we relax around it,

Give it and ourselves our loving attention,

And then we figure out how we want to wisely and compassionately respond.

I really also want to make sure to emphasize here that,

Again,

Learning to be kind and patient with our anger does not in any way mean that we never try to change something that does not seem to be working in our lives or in the world.

It is not about giving up in resignation or despair or about letting people off the hook for acting in ways that are harmful.

What it's about is learning to be brutally honest and truthful with ourselves about how we ourselves might be harming or stinging ourselves in the process by how we're relating to whatever's happening and to what we're believing about it.

Many years ago,

For my longer meditation workshops,

I used to offer students a magnet that had a quote on it from Carl Rogers that read,

The curious paradox is that when I can accept myself just as I am,

Then I can change.

And what I like to suggest is that we might change this quote a little and add in other people or the situation in place of I.

Right.

So what that would look like would be when I can accept others just as they are,

Only then is there a possibility of change.

Or when I can accept the situation just as it is.

Only then is there a possibility of change.

Clearly knowing that this change might not ever be in the other person or even the situation,

But the real change might be what happens within ourselves.

And with that,

Before I offer you a meditation on working with anger,

I'd like to end with some great advice from one of my favorite stories,

Which is about a man who went to see a guru and sat before him and asked him,

Tell me,

Girl,

What is the secret to eternal happiness?

And the girl said to not argue with fools.

The man said,

I disagree.

And the girl said,

Yes,

You are right.

So I'll leave you with that and invite you if it's available to come into meditation with me.

And so if you're at home and can sit and listen,

That would be great.

If you're driving,

You might want to just tap into your body.

Notice your sit bones,

Your feet,

Your hands,

Your breath.

The same as if walking,

Notice your touch points,

Your hands,

Your breath,

Your feet.

And breathe.

If it's available,

You might close the eyes.

Let's take a nice deep breath in,

Deep breath out.

Letting go tension,

Tightness,

Holding on the exhale.

Noticing each inhale,

Each exhale,

Clearing the mind by just becoming embodied and paying attention to your breathing or even to sound.

You might sense the support of the earth holding you,

Connecting with that support of the earth so that you can let go just a little more.

Feel yourself held and connected.

Letting the shoulders drop.

Letting the tummy be soft.

Noticing the hands.

Letting the center of the palms be soft and open.

And the gesture of letting go.

Still breathing.

As you're ready,

I'm going to invite you now to think about something that habitually causes you to be angry.

So it could be something someone regularly says to you.

Or something someone has done or does as a kind of regular behavior that really sets you off in some way.

Just pick one thing that comes to mind.

And as you do,

You might even allow your feelings of anger,

Frustration,

Hurt just to be here with you.

Noticing how it feels physically to experience this.

What does it feel like when you think about this person or this behavior situation?

And as you continue,

You might also bring a sense of metta friendliness to this experience.

You might put your hand over your heart maybe.

Or both hands over the heart or one hand on the heart,

One on the belly.

You might make a fist with one hand and gently hold it with the other.

Just experiment with that.

Notice.

As you're ready,

You might now silently say something like,

Sweetie or Dear One,

You are in pain.

You are in pain.

To see how that affects you,

That phrase.

Now,

As you're ready,

You might start to question what you might be believing about this.

You might ask or consider,

Am I defending something?

Or what sense of self might I be defending?

Is someone or something threatened my identity,

My sense of self,

Or maybe triggered an old unwanted identity?

You might now consider,

Has someone done something to upset the way I think things should be?

Or how I think that other people or that person should be?

You might even consider,

Am I stuck in a cycle of he should,

She should,

They should,

I should,

Etc.

Finally,

You might consider what might be the wisest,

Most compassionate response to this person or situation,

Which by the way,

Might be no response at all.

Just consider,

What's the wisest,

Most compassionate response?

Continuing to offer yourself your own kindness and compassion.

And finally,

With the eyes still closed,

Just listening to these words from Linda Bruther,

Who tells us,

The great mother said,

Come my child and give me all that you are.

I am not afraid of your strength and darkness,

Your fear and pain.

Give me your tears.

They will be my rushing rivers and roaring oceans.

Give me your rage.

It will erupt into my molten volcanoes and rolling thunder.

Give me your tired spirit.

I will lay it to rest in my soft meadows.

Give me your hopes and dreams.

I will plant a field of sunflowers and arc rainbows in the sky.

You are not too much for me.

My arms and heart welcome your true fullness.

There is room in my world for all of you,

All that you are.

I will cradle you in the bows of my ancient redwoods and the valleys of my gentle rolling hills.

My soft winds will sing you lullabies and soothe your burdened heart.

Release your deep pain.

You are not alone and you have never been alone.

Namaste and blessings.

I hope you enjoyed this talk.

These talks are always offered freely so that no one is ever denied access to these teachings and your support really makes a difference.

Donna is an ancient Pali word meaning spontaneous generosity of heart.

If you feel inspired to offer Donna,

You can do so by visiting my website at www.

Mindfulvalley.

Com.

Thank you so much.

Reviews

If I could give ten stars I would! What a beautiful and important talk. You helped me come to terms with something that had been troubling me lately. I am so grateful for that. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. 💕🙏🏻✨

This is lengthy, but rich with wisdom and practical tools for application. I thought of several siblings and friends that I think I’ll share it with. I’m even considering about sharing it with the siblings that have behaviors I find agitating (and that likely say the same about ke 😋). I think that I will return to this repeatedly, though I might break it into smaller 15-20 minute chunks as I just realized that I can’t remember what I wanted to remember from the first 15 minutes. 😊 thank you for sharing. 🙏

Thank you ❤️

This was such a wonderful talk! I wrote a lot of notes 📝 in my journal. Thank you for sharing here. 🙏🏻

Thank you so much for this words.

Thank you. Gratefully inspired while pausing. Sending good wishes with gratitude.