I Am Family, To Myself: Becoming Your Own Refuge

One of the most essential teachings of the Buddha can be found in a single and famous line of advise from him, which is, “Be a lamp unto yourself; be a refuge to yourself; take yourself to no external refuge.” In this talk, we take a deep dive into the Acrobat Sutra, a story and teaching that points to the importance of caring for yourself FIRST, by becoming the source of your own refuge - which in turn transforms into an offering of care for others.

Transcript

Ringing So,

For several years now in my own personal practice,

I've noticed that there's been a steadily growing and kind of expanding theme that's been arising,

Which has multiple layers to it,

But essentially it comes down to learning how to really honor myself and my life,

My wisdom and my heart,

And also setting up better boundaries so that I'm not causing harm to either myself or others.

And this year especially,

I've been starting to recognize much more experientially,

Finally,

After 30 years of pretty intensive practice,

The essential truth of the Buddhist teachings,

Which tells us that what we're seeking is not outside of ourselves,

But it's actually right here in our own hearts.

In fact,

There's a very famous line from the Maha Parinibbana Sutta that I've been reciting quite a lot lately where the Buddha tells us this.

He says,

Be a lamp unto yourself.

Be a lamp unto yourself.

Be a refuge to yourself.

Take yourself to no external refuge.

And maybe because I've been so focused on this particular teaching,

Just recently during one of my longer meditation sessions,

On a night when I was for some reason feeling a bit lonely and maybe wanting a bit of hand holding,

I was having a difficult week,

I had what felt like a profoundly new experience where I suddenly heard the words,

I am family to myself.

I am family to myself.

And in that moment,

I really felt this in my mind and my body and my heart,

That I myself was my dearest and closest family member and that I loved myself fiercely and knew that I would never be parted from this family for as long as I lived ever.

I also in that moment felt completely accepted and whole just as I was with all of my messy history,

All those trying parts of my personality,

As well as all the many difficult things that I'm dealing and struggling with right now,

All of it.

Right here in my own mind,

Body and heart was someone who was going to love me and support me no matter what.

And to me,

What it felt like was home,

Like a true refuge,

A place of real safety.

And of course,

Having said all that,

I also know that sadly,

The truth is that I might not always be there for myself in each moment.

I'm totally aware that I still tend to do things that are harmful to myself,

Like maybe giving too much of my time away or saying yes when I really mean no or maybe eating things that aren't that great for me or not taking care of myself in other different ways.

But I also know that the point is not to be perfect.

This is a practice,

Not a perfection.

And I know now that I can be that kind family member to myself,

Which means I can forgive myself more quickly from my shortcomings and my conditioning.

One of my very dear friends and a fellow teacher,

Mary Van Deventer,

Recently posted this great quote by Elaine de Voughton who said,

Maturity begins with the capacity to sense and in good time and without defensiveness,

Omit to our own craziness.

If we are not regularly deeply embarrassed by who we are,

The journey to self-knowledge has not begun.

So it's truly an ongoing practice for all of us to learn to be that lamp and that refuge for ourselves and to not let the light of that lamp go out.

The Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh explains the great importance of taking refuge in ourselves this way.

He says,

If you don't learn how to take refuge,

You will lose your peace,

Your feeling of safety and your calm.

You will suffer and you will make other people suffer.

When the situation seems to be permanent,

Overwhelming and full of suffering,

You have to practice taking refuge in the Buddha,

The Buddha in ourselves.

Each of us has the seed of Buddhahood,

The capacity of being calm,

Understanding,

Compassionate and taking refuge in that island of safety within us.

This is how we can maintain our humanness,

Our peace and our hope.

And in the teachings,

One of the best suttas that I know of that deals with this theme of taking refuge in ourselves is called the Sadhaka or Acrobat Sutta from the Samyutta Nikaya.

And I just love this one for so many reasons,

But one of the main reasons is that it involves a young girl who is really the hero of the story.

The sutta is about two acrobats who are performing together.

And one of these is a man who's a master acrobat and the other is his apprentice who happens to be a girl with the really odd and unfortunate nickname of frying pan for some reason.

And I'd like to read directly from the sutta,

Which comes from a version that's translated by the teacher and scholar Andrew Olaneski.

So the story goes like this.

Once in ancient India,

A bamboo acrobat set up his bamboo pole in the center of a village,

Climbed up the pole with great agility and balanced carefully on upon its tip.

He then invited his young assistant to scamper up and stand on his shoulders,

Saying to her,

You look after my balance,

My dear,

And I'll look after your balance.

With us thus looking after one another and protecting one another,

We'll show off our craft,

Receive some payment and safely climb down the bamboo pole.

But the girl said,

No,

No master,

That will never do.

You must look after your own balance and I will look after my balance.

With each of us thus looking after ourselves and protecting ourselves,

We'll show off our craft,

Receive some payment and safely climb down the bamboo pole.

And the Buddha said,

What frying pan the assistant said to her master was the right way in this case.

And just as an aside,

Buddhist nuns tend to love the Sutta because in this case the girl is right.

So in the Sutta,

The Buddha explains,

Looking after oneself,

One looks after others.

Looking after others,

One looks after oneself.

How does one look after others?

By looking after oneself.

By practicing mindfulness,

Developing it and making it grow.

How does one look after oneself?

By looking after others.

By patience,

Non-harming,

Loving kindness and caring.

And so this seems pretty simple in a way to understand,

But it's often actually really difficult for many of us to allow ourselves to put into practice.

And I think much of this comes from a sort of deeply ingrained cultural misperception that tells us that if we focus on taking care of ourselves,

We are somehow being bad or selfish.

In fact,

Many of us grew up with a strong belief that in order to be quote unquote a good person,

We need to really be selfless,

To care more about others than we do for ourselves.

But again,

This is a big misunderstanding and something even Buddhist practitioners often get wrong.

I also can't tell you how many times over the years that I've been asked if there is no self in Buddhism,

Doesn't this mean that I should be selfless?

And again,

This is also a misunderstanding.

When the Buddha talks about the concept of no self or anatta,

What he's pointing to is the fact that we cannot locate a permanent,

Constant,

Pin-down-able self that is unchanging.

And we also can't find a self that is separate from everything else,

A self that doesn't affect or isn't affected by all the rest,

Because the truth is we are all truly interconnected.

It's also not saying that we aren't actual beings,

Because of course we are.

We all have names and we're all living in this world and interacting with others.

And again,

Affecting everything around us through our actions.

And in fact,

This,

Our own thoughts,

Actions and behaviors,

Is really all we ever have control over,

Which relates to this idea of karma,

That what we do and say and how we show up in the world really does matter and it affects everything else.

My very favorite Buddhist nun,

Pema Shodran,

Says that even our own thoughts make a difference in this world.

She says,

You could ask,

Does it really matter my state of mind?

Does it really matter how I work with my emotions?

And my answer to that is that if the wings of a butterfly fluttering in the Amazon affects the weather in Europe,

Then surely your state of mind has a ripple effect out in the world.

And I think it goes right around the globe.

And that's hard to prove,

But that's my theory and I'm sticking with it.

So because we're all interconnected,

The truth is that if we're not focused on taking care of ourselves,

It's not only harmful to ourselves,

It is also in turn going to be harmful to others.

It actually cannot be any other way because of our interconnection.

So in the teachings,

We're told that there are two main ways that we don't take care of ourselves very well.

And the first is when we act in ways that are harmful or unskillful without really caring about how our actions or behaviors are affecting ourselves or others.

That's the first way.

The second way is when we are believing that we need to sacrifice our own care and wellbeing and even happiness for the care and wellbeing and happiness of others.

And of course,

This is where so many of us get stuck.

In the firebrand suit of the Buddha explains,

One who is bent on the benefit both of self and of another is the chief and best,

Topmost,

Highest and supreme.

So again,

We are not being asked to sacrifice ourselves for others.

It really needs to be for the benefit of both.

Another similar phrase that I really love to remember,

Although sadly I've never been able to find its source is you do not need to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

You do not need to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

As a confession,

I actually need to say this one to myself a lot because I have a tendency to do this,

To burn myself out,

Trying to take care of everyone.

Pilar Jennings,

Who is a Buddhist psychologist and author,

Wrote something that I've been thinking a lot about lately as it concerns the second way that we don't take care of ourselves.

She says,

Chronic sublimation and compulsive caretaking usually cause feelings of impingement and stress or the fear that if you don't offer care,

The other person's affection or respect will be withdrawn.

But preserving yourself and knowing your boundaries is not the same thing as exclusively seeking your own happiness.

It's about the healing process of learning to skillfully discern what will and will not serve all beings,

Yourself included.

So again,

Here she's strongly pointing to exactly what the Buddha is trying to teach us,

Which is the great importance of including ourselves in our circle of care.

How important that there's this balance,

The need to include both ourselves and the other.

We really don't want to leave ourselves out of this equation.

In the Acrobat Sutta,

For instance,

You might imagine what might happen if both the Acrobat and his assistant focused only on taking care of themselves at the expense of not really caring about the other.

In this case,

It would be likely that both of them would fall down,

Right?

On the other hand,

If they were each focused simply on paying attention to and taking care of the other at the expense of their own balance,

Again,

They're both likely to fall down.

So here the Buddha is suggesting that the two Acrobats need to be mindful of balancing in such a way that,

Quote,

By taking care of oneself,

One takes care of the other,

And by taking care of the other,

One takes care of oneself.

And I have to say that I just love the imagery that the Buddha uses in the Sutta because for me it really helps to remember this teaching.

I think we can all really imagine these two people,

Right,

Precariously balanced on a pole.

And we can immediately get a sense of how difficult this whole dance might be and how mindful and skillful and attentive we might need to be in order to establish and then maintain a balance or harmony and not just let the whole relationship topple over.

When I was just four years old,

My parents started me in gymnastics,

And I ended up competing nationally all the way up and through my college years.

And throughout all of those years,

My very least favorite routine,

But actually one of the most challenging ones,

Was the one on the beam,

Mainly because falling was usually unpleasant and involved things like bruises and sprained ankles,

Which were really not a lot of fun.

But it did train me to be very aware of every single little movement of my body and also an early sense of how to practice focusing very precisely on the present moment.

Because as you might imagine,

You can't really be distracted when you're doing things like cartwheels on a four inch wide space.

So I think the Acrobat Sutta might be one of my very favorites,

Not only because of its message,

But because I love that the Buddha uses the image of two people balancing on a pole to get this message across.

And of course,

This imagery and teaching relates to the relationships that we have on all levels,

The ones we have with ourselves,

With others,

And the whole world really,

With society itself.

In fact,

If we think about it,

Even a simple casual conversation with someone requires this kind of skillful balance,

Doesn't it?

Just a casual conversation.

In order to keep the harmony and flow of the conversation going,

We really need to be able to pay attention to both our own words and the words of those that we're engaging with so that it,

Again,

It doesn't topple over into unkind or unskillful speech that might make or break the whole relationship.

And in fact,

This kind of balance can extend out even further to things like working with social change,

For instance.

In writing about this particular sutta,

The famous Theravadan monk,

Nanapunika,

Tells us this.

He says,

If we leave unresolved the actual or potential sources of social evil within ourselves,

Our external social activity will be either futile or markedly incomplete.

Therefore,

If we are moved by a spirit of social responsibility,

We must not shirk the hard task of moral and spiritual self-development.

Pre-occupation with social activities must not be made an excuse or escape from the very first duty,

Which is to tidy up one's own house first.

Many years ago when I was working as a journalist in New York City,

I interviewed a student who was part of a Buddhist activist organization,

And he said something really similar,

Which I've never forgotten.

He said,

Don't go to a peace rally angry.

Don't go to a peace rally angry.

Just love that.

You know,

There's so much in that simple phrase.

And it's actually exactly what Nanapunika is pointing to when he says that our primary duty is to tidy up our own house first.

And in the Acrobat Sutta,

The Buddha tells us how we can do this,

How we can tidy up our own house by emphasizing the importance of balance or equanimity,

Upekka,

Which is considered the fruit of our whole practice,

Upekka.

So this balance,

To begin,

Starts with this theme of physical balance.

And of course,

Our practice is all about being embodied rather than having some sort of out of body experience that is not tethered to the present,

To the body itself.

And the idea is that through our practice,

As we become more and more aware of our own bodies and more aware of what we're experiencing in the present moment,

What happens is that we start to feel more centered and safe in our own skin,

Which again,

As the Buddha tells us,

Is our real true home.

It's our true refuge,

That place that allows us to feel more balanced and calm and focused and awake and aware of everything around us,

Rather than lost in the dream world of distracted thinking,

Which is actually not in the present moment,

In the body.

And when we become more centered in this way,

More familiar with being in our actual bodies instead of somewhere else,

We're going to be much better able to recognize,

For instance,

When we're starting to feel somehow unsteady or when we're losing our balance.

So for instance,

If we're in our bodies,

We're going to be more likely to feel that sting and rush and heat of anger or frustration and recognize more quickly that we're about to say something snarky or unkind,

Maybe,

Or unskillful.

And through this awareness,

We can then very consciously work on our balance by mindfully bringing ourselves back home to the heart,

Into our intention to offer more kindness,

Compassion and calm to both ourselves,

Others,

Or the situation that we find ourselves in.

On the other hand,

Maybe we notice that we're really running,

That we're just going too fast,

We feel overwhelmed,

We're maybe even banging into things or dropping things.

In that moment,

We might recognize maybe that we're fearful or preoccupied,

Distracted,

And that what we really need to do is to slow down and focus before we do something that might be harmful to ourselves or others.

Again,

We can use our mindfulness to come more into balance.

But if we are too interested in taking care of someone else or very focused on what they're doing or preoccupied with how they should be living their lives or maybe even blaming them in some way,

We're not going to be able to come back into balance.

At the same time,

When we're not taking care of our bodies,

The place where we live,

When we're letting our bodies get run down,

Tired,

Unhealthy,

Or maybe even doing harmful things like filling the body with alcohol or drugs,

Again,

We're not going to be as helpful to ourselves or to anyone around us.

In fact,

We're literally going to be unbalanced,

Maybe like a person who's drunk trying to walk a straight line or maybe like the person who is driving drunk,

Which we can all recognize is a pretty strong example of putting both self and others in danger by not taking care of ourselves.

The very same goes for our inner balance,

Which means that we practice taking care of ourselves by being balanced or centered in our own heart and mind,

Which again can keep us from acting out on our more primitive impulses or those three poisons of greed,

Aversion,

And deluded thinking.

Nana Puanica talks about working in our own inner balance as a way of protecting others from harm.

And I really love how he says this,

So I want to read it to you directly.

He says,

If we permit the three roots of evil,

Greed,

Hate,

And delusion to take a firm hold in our hearts,

Then their outgrowths will spread far and wide like a jungle creeper,

Suffocating much healthy and noble growth all around.

But if we protect ourselves against these three roots,

Our fellow beings too will be safe.

They will be safe from our reckless greed for possessions and power,

From our unrestrained lust and sensuality,

From our envy and jealousy,

Safe from the destructive consequences of our hate and enmity,

Which may be destructive or even murderous,

Safe from the outbursts of our anger and from the resulting atmosphere of antagonism and conflict,

Which may make life unbearable for them.

As to the third root of evil,

Delusion or ignorance,

We know very well how much harm may be done to others through stupidity,

Thoughtlessness,

Prejudice,

Delusion and delusion of a single person.

History shows us that great and destructive mass delusions have often been kindled by a single individual or a small number of people.

Self-protection through wisdom and knowledge will protect others from the pernicious effect of such influences.

I just find that so powerful and true.

And so the message in this sutta is that as we work on protecting ourselves from the pain of our own greed,

Hate and delusion,

We are in essence protecting everyone else from this type of negative karma as well.

As Nana Ponica explains,

Someone who is patient towards others will protect himself better than he could with physical strength or with any mighty weapon.

And here I want to just pause for a second to remind us all,

We are human,

Which means we are all going to lose our balance sometimes.

Now we're all going to lose it and do something unskillful that we're likely going to regret.

In fact,

Maybe every single day we're human.

And this is a practice.

So when we do lose it,

We might use it as an opportunity to notice that we're actually much more inclined to do something unskillful or maybe harmful in those times that we've somehow lost our balance or our center.

Like for instance,

When we're really stressed out or maybe not feeling well or we're tired,

We might notice that we tend to fall back on old habits or behaviors that tend to cause either ourselves or others harm.

We tend to more quickly react rather than more calmly respond.

And this is why I think the Buddha here is really emphasizing this idea of balance and asking us to really practice like those acrobats would practice together,

You might imagine,

Being calm and study and very focused on the present moment,

Especially when we find ourselves carrying something heavy or unstable,

Unpredictable.

We really need to find that balance,

Practice finding that balance.

The teacher Andrew Onaleski describes it this way.

This mindfulness is a tool for looking inward,

Adjusting our balance and staying focused on the still center point upon which everything else is poised.

The quality of the present moment of awareness,

That bamboo pole upon which we all hover,

Can be calm,

Stable and focused.

And when it is,

Our well-being and that of all those who depend upon us is well protected.

So along with practicing being balanced and centered,

We also need to be mindful of constantly trying to cultivate a sense of caring for both ourselves and others.

And again,

We can do this by very consciously deliberately practicing patience,

Practicing non-harming,

Practicing loving kindness,

Practicing compassion,

Again for both ourselves and others.

One of my teachers,

Bikyo Onaleo says that when we are practicing the teachings of the Acrobat Sutta,

What we're really doing is practicing dana or generosity in the sense that what we are offering or giving others and ourselves is our patience.

We're offering our patience and kindness and compassion along with an assurance that we aren't going to harm ourselves or others.

And this is really the opposite,

Isn't it,

Of offering ourselves or others our greed or our aggression or our deluded thinking,

Which occurs when we don't take care of ourselves.

And what we want to offer is a kind of trust,

Again,

For both ourselves and others.

So for instance,

As we're practicing interacting with others,

We might focus on our intention to practice these things within ourselves so that we can actually be that calm and balance,

Which is what we'll then be able to offer again out to both ourselves and others.

Many of you may remember this famous quote from Thich Nhat Hanh who wrote,

When the crowded Vietnamese refugee boats met with storms or pirates,

If everyone panicked,

All would be lost.

But if even one person stayed calm,

It was enough.

It showed the way for everyone to survive.

So the idea is that the more we can do this,

The more we can become that balanced,

Kind,

Passionate,

Centered presence,

The more people will begin to trust us.

They'll be more willing,

If you will,

To climb up on our steady shoulders,

Trusting that we're going to be able to offer them a calm,

Steady presence and that we're also going to do our best to not harm them.

And then maybe they'll finally be willing to listen to us to trust what we have to offer.

Remembering again that this does not at all mean that it is now our job to save them.

What we are offering is our patience,

Our kindness,

Our balance,

Our care.

The rest is really up to them.

As it is up to all of us to do our own inner work.

In the sutta,

The Buddha calls attention to the fact that sadly,

We really can't control the balance of others.

And he suggests that trying to do so is just not going to work.

So we can have a deep compassion for someone who is currently unbalanced or struggling or who maybe isn't a very good acrobat at the moment.

But we cannot carry them at our own expense.

We cannot carry them at our own expense.

Again,

The only control we do have is over ourselves and our own practice.

And as the Buddha teaches,

This affects everything.

So that is our job,

Our own practice.

Just as an example,

If the master acrobat in the sutta was constantly wobbling and tiring himself out in his attempt to control his assistant's balance,

She would be much more likely to wobble herself and fall off.

But if he works to maintain his own sense of calm and balance and focus,

It is absolutely going to affect the balance of his assistant.

And that,

That is what he is offering.

He's also constantly working to maintain his own balance in response to her and she to him.

And when the two are doing this mindful dance together,

This is when there's true harmony.

When discussing the sutta,

The Dharma teachers often point to the relationship between parent and child.

So,

For instance,

Sometimes parents can lecture their children over and over about what they should do or how they should be.

But nothing is going to influence the child's development more than the parent's own example.

When the parent practices being patient,

Non-harming,

Loving and caring,

What happens is that the child learns to trust in those sturdy shoulders,

If you will.

Rather than just trusting the words or maybe the rules that are spoken,

Which are often actually not exemplified by the actual actions.

I remember in the late 70s when I was a young teen growing up in Michigan,

Everyone,

Including my mother,

Seemed to be smoking.

You know,

Everybody seemed to be smoking.

And one summer during one of the many parties that my parents used to host at our house,

I was caught smoking a cigarette with a friend in the backyard.

And I'm pretty sure it was my first one.

And in front of everyone,

My mother scolded me about smoking a cigarette,

Which is of course humiliating to me.

But what I very vividly remember was that as she was scolding me,

She was doing so with a cigarette in one hand and what was probably her third or fourth glass of wine in the other.

So while she was saying one thing,

I didn't trust her words at all because of what she was actually doing at that moment.

I also find it really interesting as adults to see how we can sometimes do the same thing with other adults in our lives and somehow take on the role of parent for them.

You know,

And we can do this in so many ways,

But mostly this seems to show up in the form of trying to fix someone in some way or by trying to express how we think they should be living their lives or when we try to save or rescue them at the expense of our own well-being.

But again,

As the writer Parker Palmer so beautifully reminds us,

The human soul does not want to be advised or fixed or saved.

It simply wants to be witnessed exactly as it is.

In fact,

It's not only not our job to fix or try to save,

But it can actually be harmful not only to the other person who likely again doesn't want our help or didn't ask for it,

But honestly harmful to ourselves.

So for instance,

To go back to the Sutta,

You might imagine how difficult it might be for the master acrobat if he continued to try to take care of his apprentice as maybe she was doing all sorts of things that were causing the two of them to become unbalanced.

Just think of how hard that might be for him with her on his shoulders and him putting in all the effort to try to keep the two of them balanced all by himself.

If he was doing all of that,

He wouldn't be able to do the important work of balancing himself.

Again,

They would both likely fall.

To quote Andrew Olensky again,

Life itself is a balancing act.

We are each of us perched upon a precarious pole trying to stay centered in a swaying breezy world.

It is difficult enough staying safe ourselves,

Let alone trying to keep track of all the things stacked upon our shoulders.

And finally,

As we're running out of time and before I offer a brief meditation,

I'd like to leave you with another image from the teachings that shows that when you take care of yourself,

You really do take care of others as well,

Sometimes in ways that you can't even know.

This short story is from the Dattaka Tales and it's about a monk who was traveling with a caravan.

And apparently when they camped out for the night,

This monk was a bit nervous and so to take care of himself,

To calm and balance himself,

He practiced walking meditation throughout the night.

Apparently robbers who were intending to rob the caravan thought that this monk was a watchman and didn't dare attack this caravan.

So I think I will leave you with that.

And if you like and it's available,

I'd like to invite you into a brief meditation on balance and taking care of yourself,

Finding refuge.

So if it's available and you can sit somewhere and close your eyes,

You might do that now.

And if you're driving or walking,

You might just become more centered by either sensing your sit bones or the bottom of your feet.

Notice yourself in your body become more embodied.

All of us can begin to become more embodied by taking a nice drink of air,

Filling the body with an inhale and then slowly letting go,

Exhaling,

Softening the body,

Letting go.

Maybe a couple of rounds of these on your own,

Just to get in touch with the breath in the body and start to utilize the breath to consciously calm the body.

Maybe especially on the exhale,

Really deeply letting go.

Might even add a very slight smile to the corner of the eyes and the lips.

That is a way of covering anything over,

Just as a way of inviting a sense of friendliness,

Care,

Kindness to whatever's here in the body,

Mind,

Heart.

Still breathing.

You might begin to sense the sit bones,

The skeleton,

Sense its support.

Imagine if you could let the muscles and the skin even relax and just let the skeleton provide that support.

Again,

Letting the skeleton be alive and fluid and flowing,

Not stiff,

Body alive.

Might take a scan of the body quickly,

Maybe starting with the top of the head and scanning down the face,

Seeing if you can soften,

Let go,

The face is melting a bit.

Letting the forehead be smooth.

Eyes soft,

Cheeks,

Jaw,

Still breathing.

Might notice the neck and shoulders.

Maybe you can imagine whenever you're holding up the tension,

Tightness,

Fear,

Letting it fall down into the earth like water,

Rolling off the shoulders.

The shoulders aren't so heavy and tight.

You might sense the belly,

See if you can soften here.

Let the belly be natural like a two-year-old's belly,

Undefended,

Breathing in,

Breathing out.

You might notice the hands,

Whatever the hands are touching,

Each other,

The body,

Clothing.

See if you can let go,

Imagine the center of the palm softening and the gesture of letting go.

Again,

Maybe sensing into the sit bones or if you're walking your feet.

Notice your connection to the earth,

Feeling the earth supporting you,

How vast and massive the earth is and how it supports your whole body so that you can let go a little more.

And see if you can begin to access that sense of calm,

Groundedness,

Balance.

Feel the body naturally balancing,

Might even feel a little sway in the spine or skeleton as the body naturally balances and consciously making an effort to calm the body and the mind.

And as you're ready,

I'd like you to consider a question,

Which is what or maybe who might you be carrying on your shoulders that is somehow taking you away from your own balance?

What or maybe who might you be carrying on your shoulders that is taking you away from your own balance?

Just consider for a moment.

How this is creating some imbalance for you.

As you're ready,

You might now consider how might I find more balance for myself?

How could I find some more balance in this situation?

That would be helpful.

Now you might consider how might I extend more patience,

Kindness,

And compassion to myself?

How might I extend more patience,

Kindness,

And compassion to myself so that I might be able to offer that patience,

Kindness,

And compassion out to others?

How can I find that balance?

Now if you'd like,

I'd like to invite you to try silently repeating the words,

I am family to myself.

And see how that resonates.

I am family to myself.

And finally,

You might consider what might this family member or maybe the Buddha inside of you,

What might they say to you as a way of helping you to find more calm,

Compassion,

Balance,

And ease?

Let's consider.

And finally,

With the eyes still closed,

I'd like to invite you to listen to these words from Thich Nhat Hanh who tells us,

You are me and I am you.

Isn't it obvious that we inter-are?

You cultivate the flower in yourself so that I will be beautiful.

I transform the garbage in myself so that you do not have to suffer.

I support you.

You support me.

I am here to bring you peace.

You are here to bring me joy.

Namaste and blessings.

I hope you enjoyed this talk.

These talks are always offered freely so that no one is ever denied access to these teachings and your support really makes a difference.

Dana is an ancient Pali word meaning spontaneous generosity of heart.

If you feel inspired to offer Dana,

You can do so by visiting my website at www.

Mindfulvalley.

Com.

Thank you so much.

Reviews

A wonderful talk with a perfect meditation at the end! Thank you for sharing your experiences to provide examples. Namaste🙏

Beautiful talk in which I so needed to hear today🙏 Thank you🙏

I am you and you are me. We inter-are. Thank you for this practice of compassion and interbeing.

Helped with my confusion around taking care of myself being opposed to selflessness and taking care of others. Also addressed my questions around the ideas of no self.

Excellent teaching! Thank you!

Accessible wisdom for everyday life. Thank you for this.

🙏

Thank you for this lesson that clarified some misunderstandings that I had regarding concepts and took me down a lovely journey toward self-discovery & acceptance. Thank you for the insights and the depth of your lesson. Very well done. With Gratitude. Chea🌻

Really good insight and loaded with information if you’re trying to dive deeper. I was meant to find you at this perfect time 🙏🏻 tyvm
I will revisit

Excellent talk. Reminds me of one of the Solutions for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA): Become your own loving parent.

much gratitude 🤍

Very much needed this dharma
Thank you 🙏

I really enjoyed and learned from this story.

Very helpful and full of memorable lessons.

A wonderfully encapsulated course in itself, thank you💞

Absolutely fabulous. Thank you 🙏🏼

Thank you Shell for these potent wisdom nuggets to practice without ceasing. Sending good wishes.

Very helpful thanks

😊 Thank you. This was very helpful