How To Work With Fear & Grief: Pause

The Buddhist teachings are continually calling our attention to the truth of what is called annica, or impermanence, because essentially, it’s exactly what we tend to struggle with, in the form of both the fear of uncertainty, and the grief that comes with change. But instead of trying to avoid our fear and grief – which is our natural tendency - the teachings are asking us to instead pause, and allow ourselves to BE with these feelings, so that ultimately, we can transform them, and discover more peace. This new talk explores how we can use our meditation practice to train ourselves in the sacred, healing art of the pause. It includes a meditation at the end.

Transcript

So for many different reasons lately,

I have been really trying to lean into One of the most important aspects of our mindfulness practice,

Which is the act of the pause Which in some ways could really reflect our entire practice because it's so much of what we're Trying to train ourselves to do you know,

But sometimes especially when our lives become very busy or Maybe challenging in some way our practice of this pause can include very consciously Intentionally trying to allow our mind and body and heart to take many different breaks throughout the day which is really what I've been trying to do more often lately and Just to be honest one of the reasons that I'm so aware of my need for this practice of the pause lately is Because sadly I wasn't able to take my longer annual winter break this year So for the past decade or so every December I have borrowed my husband's four-wheel drive truck so that I can safely drive in expected snow of winter and I've driven his truck up to Massachusetts From Virginia so that I can spend several blessed weeks in silence on a private retreat which has actually never failed to help prepare me for the year ahead and Because sadly I needed to miss that important retreat this winter.

I can still really sense my need for it Especially since my life and my work have continued to remain busy or maybe even gotten a little busier It hasn't really given me the opportunity to properly pause at least for a longer period of time And I know that right now during the winter months This is just a very natural time for all of us to do this right to really honor the rhythm of nature and allow ourselves to slow down and Rest and maybe sort of hibernate until the weather starts warming up But as we all know in these modern times life sometimes doesn't seem to want to honor follow that same rhythm At the same time it also seems like we're all experiencing a moment in our collective history where There's just a lot of change happening very fast Which mean there's also a lot of uncertainty about our future Right including an uncertainty about the very survival of our home in this precious earth And of course uncertainty and change are just a part of life itself Right.

This has always been true everything in this life including ourselves is actually in a constant never-ending flow of uncertainty and change in the Buddhist tradition This truth about life is called a Nietzsche impermanence or constant change Which means that essentially?

What we're up against is both the fear of uncertainty And also the grief that comes with change so these two things the fear of uncertainty and the grief that comes with change are Actually exactly what tends to keep us from being willing or maybe even able to pause So as we might imagine,

You know,

This is why pausing can be so incredibly difficult sometimes This is an example,

You know,

Especially when it comes to the fear of uncertainty Almost all of us have a kind of natural aversion to not knowing don't we?

Like even though uncertainty is simply our birthright or again.

It's the truth We really don't like not knowing what's going to happen next or maybe what's going to change next And if we think about it,

This is true whether it's the fear of the next minute the next day next year,

Maybe the next few decades and Because both the fear of uncertainty and the grief of change feel so uncomfortable It's again just natural for us to want to avoid it at all costs these two things And so instead of slowing down or even pausing or maybe stopping We might begin to notice that our tendency is to actually speed up right and we can do this in so many ways For instance,

We might find ourselves trying to deny or avoid our fear and grief which can include trying to fight with it Maybe run away from it or maybe just trying to cover it over All with the hope that it will somehow just go away We won't have to deal with it We might also notice that all of these different strategies have one thing in common Which is that they are all ways that we are trying to re-establish some Sort of order or ground beneath our feet Even though again,

This is actually impossible You know,

The ground is always and forever and constantly shifting and changing always We can notice this tendency for instance,

Whenever we're feeling maybe impatient with anything really So if we pay close attention for impatience,

We might notice a slight or even very strong rejection of uncertainty of not knowing of not having things be in order or The way we want it or expect it to be of course as we all know this can just be so painful right to live in this place of either wanting something or not wanting something or wanting things to go exactly as we want them to and so what the Buddha is urging us to do through this practice is to learn how to actually slow down and Courageously meet our fear of uncertainty or the grief that comes with change and be with it and Respond to it with compassion and with wisdom Rather than trying to deny it or reject it or run away from it Many of you may know that one of my favorite teachings on this comes from one of my teachers the modern-day Monk and scholar BQ and all you Many years ago He came up with a very concise four-word phrase that he believes kind of sums up the entirety of the Buddhist teachings and practice Which is keep calmly knowing change Hey Keep calmly knowing change.

I know that phrase might sound simple,

But as we all know in practice Can actually be incredibly difficult,

Right?

Especially that calm part And especially right now when the world around us does not feel especially calm or calming In fact in conversations,

I've been having with friends lately.

There seems to be a lot of what I consider the opposite of calm Now there seems to be quite a lot of anxiety and fear anger and grief In the same time I've also noticed another common emotional theme which is Kind of almost overwhelming pressure for us to do something or to do more You know to get really busy trying to fix all the things that are happening out in our world or even in our own personal lives It's like there's this universal squeeze that many of us are feeling a sense of urgency for us to pull it all together somehow or Put things ourselves or even other people in some kind of order So that everything will just stop feeling so out of control or so that the ground beneath our feet Will maybe stop moving so fast And of course our practice does ask us to learn how we can respond To all the things that are happening in our lives and in our world And to let our hearts open fully to the truth of things so that we can calmly compassionately and wisely take action And then the Buddhist teachings actually compassion or karuna in the Pali language is considered a verb Because it involves taking some sort of action And this has often been described as a quivering of the heart in response to suffering There's a movement to it a call to action if you will so it's like when we can clearly see that something's not working or That's something is harmful or is hurting either ourselves or others or both Through compassion we are moved to action because we want that suffering to stop so we absolutely do want to act and And We also want to do so wisely with wisdom or prana in the Pali language Because it serves as a balance for our compassion In the teachings the pairing of wisdom and compassion is often likened to the two wings of a bird So we really need both in order to fly in order to discover a sense of balance There's also a great analogy that I like that involves Rowing a boat,

Right?

The idea is if we only row our boat with one of our oars You know with only wisdom or only compassion We're just going to end up going around and around in circles and so It's important to remember that again.

We really need both in order to move forward and yet In order for us to discover These two paired qualities of wisdom and compassion and come into some kind of balance or equanimity It is essential that we remember the great importance of that pause which again in many ways is the whole practice itself and Before I go into this a little more I want to emphasize here that pausing does not mean That we don't continue in our effort to act to reduce suffering for ourselves or others It means that we very consciously give ourselves permission To temporarily take some time for ourselves some precious sacred time Time to allow ourselves to actually feel Exactly what we're feeling Time to shore up our own capacity for wisdom and compassion So that we don't allow whatever's happening to harden our hearts Pausing is actually exactly how we soften our hearts Which in turn serves to soften and relax and calm our bodies and open our minds So that we can more clearly see not only what's happening,

But what's needed we can see that one of my very Favorite Buddhist nuns Pema Chodron reminds us if we want there to be peace in the world We have to be brave enough to soften.

What is rigid in our hearts To find the soft spot and stay with it We have to have that kind of courage and take that kind of responsibility That is the true practice of peace That is the true practice of peace and So if we're not pausing and we're instead frantically running around trying to control everything or avoid things We're not going to gain any access to that soft spot that Pema is talking about Which means we aren't going to experience a lot of transformation in our own lives Or break any kind of lasting Or break any kind of lasting transformation to our world And of course this pausing can mean many things,

You know Can look like pausing for one single breath?

Or maybe one minute or an hour Maybe even a week or longer Whatever's needed to reconnect us with our wise compassionate hearts And I know that for many of us we might feel like if we allow ourselves some time to pause and look within and be With our emotions and find some common balance That we're in some way being selfish because there's so much that we need to do You know,

We might feel like there's just no time for pausing My friend Kyra Jill wonderful teacher who spent years as a nun in Thich Nhat Hanh's order for interbeing Wrote an article for Lions Roar magazine several years ago that really spoke to this This article Kyra told a story about a time about 20 years ago now When she and a group of other monastics were traveling with Thich Nhat Hanh to Berkeley where he was supposed to give a talk The day that they were traveling Happened to be 9-11 2001 of course,

We all know what happened that morning and When the monastics heard about the attack They all immediately started brainstorming about how they could publicly respond the following day But when they told Thich Nhat Hanh about their plans This great master said no No,

I don't want you to do that yet Tomorrow we're all going to the beach As you might imagine the monastics just all kind of stunned the beach Kyra wrote There had just been a terrorist attack and we needed to respond to act we didn't understand But since he is our teacher the next day we all went to the beach Rather than speeding up We slowed down and were deeply nourished We played and ate together and swam in the ocean It ended up being a really important time to connect with each other and feel safe We cannot create safety for others if we do not feel safe ourselves The following day we did all the things we were planning to do But those actions came out of a different place than they would have if we had gone into action right away right,

So in essence they had paused and Taken the time to allow themselves to feel what they were feeling and Then nurtured their own compassion and wisdom along with a sense of safety and That made all the difference in their action and in retrospect this response from Thich Nhat Hanh really didn't surprise me Given that throughout his lifetime He always strongly emphasized the importance of not only finding but Exemplifying these qualities of peace and calm in One of his famous teachings.

He told us this quote in Vietnam,

There are many people called boat people who leave the country in small boats Often the boats are caught in rough seas or storms.

The people may panic and boats can sink But even if one person aboard can remain calm lucid knowing What to do and what not to do He or she can help the boat survive his or her expression face voice Communicates clarity and calmness and people have trust in that person They will listen to what he or she says One such person can save the lives of many our World he said is something like a small boat The paired with the cosmos our planet is a very small boat We are about to panic because our situation is no better than the situation of the small boat in the sea Humankind has become a very dangerous species We need people who can sit still and be able to smile who can walk peacefully We need people like that in order to save us Buddhism says that you are that person that each of you is that person And I just love that story because it reminds me of how I want to meet the world and also myself Whenever I'm feeling angry or fearful or grieving I Want to remember to be that kind calm Compassionate person for myself as well as for others Because if I give myself the time that I need and that pause and the care I'm gonna be much better able to then offer that same time and care out where it's needed And so again just to emphasize it's not a selfish thing at all It's actually essential and honestly whenever I'm feeling some kind of distress a question I often like to ask myself is who is it that you want to be with?

Who is it that you want to be with?

You want to be with someone who is also in distress or afraid or angry or?

Judgmental or Do you want to be with someone who is calm and kind and compassionate and Like take that hun says can communicate with some sense of clarity.

I Also find it helpful to remember another important teaching from the Buddha,

Which is that I'm not alone.

I Am NOT alone That none of us are alone we all belong to one another and we all need to do our part and We also don't need to carry the entire world on our shoulders Because if we think about it,

That's really kind of self-centered thinking,

Isn't it?

That feeling that somehow Someone put us in charge right of the whole thing And so in the teachings we are urged again and again to learn and to remember remember that we are interconnected and Interdependent Now we all belong to one another and are part of the whole So if for some reason we find ourselves somehow trying to do it all In a way,

We're really cutting ourselves off from this innate belonging By setting ourselves up as a kind of self-imposed fixer When in truth,

It's not only harmful to ourselves But it actually reduces our own ability Actually be helpful Up until several years ago now I had a quote from the Travis Monk and scholar Thomas Merton taped on the wall right next to my desk and When I eventually took it off the wall,

It almost completely fell apart Because it had been up there for so long as a reminder for me Here's what it said quote To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns To surrender to too many demands to commit oneself to too many projects To want to help everyone and everything is to succumb to violence the frenzy of our activism Neutralizes our work for peace.

It destroys our own inner capacity for peace It destroys the fruitfulness of our work because it kills the root of inner wisdom Which makes the work fruitful And again just to emphasize this isn't to say that we don't act or show up for others.

Of course we do But as Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us we want to be able to show up from a place of calm Which comes from giving ourselves that time to pause to rest Giving ourselves permission if you will to go to the well or to that ocean To fill ourselves up Before we get busy pouring ourselves out There's actually another great metaphor about this that I love from Amy van Alstel who talks about a lesson She learned as a choir member in high school She said sometimes music requires players or singers to hold a note longer than they actually can hold a note In those cases we were taught to mindfully stagger when we took a breath.

So the sound appeared uninterrupted Everyone got to breathe and the music stayed strong and vibrant So take a breath The rest of the chorus will sing the rest of the band will play Rejoin so that others can breathe Together we can sustain a very long beautiful song for a very very long time You do not have to do it all But you must add your voice to the song I also want to share just one more parable which I found while I was flipping through one of my husband's woodworking books one day the story about a woman who was walking through a forest and She sees a young man furiously sighing at a tree with a very thick trunk The man doesn't look very well to her.

He's Drenched in sweat and he looks utterly exhausted and doesn't actually seem to be making much progress So she says to him young man.

You seem to be in quite the hurry to cut through that tree But it appears that your saw blade is dull But the man doesn't look up from his work Sir,

The woman continues Why don't you stop for a moment so that you can sharpen your blade?

Without taking the time to even look up from his song the man said I Have to fell this tree and then two after that by the end of the day.

I Don't have time to sharpen my saw You know,

It's such a simple parable when I think about the need for sharpening that saw I'm reminded about how our practice is really urging us to take the time To really clean and sharpen both our minds and our hearts To not let them become dull or rusty with neglect due to our own unwillingness to pause which means it's asking us to get quiet in our minds and in our bodies and Be with our own thoughts In most especially our tender hurting aching hearts which may likely be grieving and And of course,

Especially during times of overwhelming change or difficulty our unwillingness to pause It's sometimes just be really strong because if we're honest,

We might not want to touch that soft spot And we really don't want to feel whatever it is.

We're feeling might just feel like too much don't want to Another one of my teachers and my first mentor Tara Brock describes it this way He said often the moment when we most need to pause is exactly when it feels the most intolerable to do so Pausing in a fit of anger or when overwhelmed by sorrow or filled with desire May be the very last thing we want to do Pausing can feel like falling helplessly through space We have no idea of what will happen We fear we might be engulfed by the rawness of our rage or grief or desire Through the sacred art of pausing we develop the capacity to stop hiding To stop running away from our experience We begin to trust in our natural intelligence and our naturally wise heart in our capacity To open to whatever arises and Tara has called the space the sacred pause And the more we practice it the more we can sense really how sacred it is one of the main reasons that it's sacred is that it takes us out of our constant doing mode our never-ending sawing if you will and Allows us to enter into the being mode into the present this moment right now However,

It is with whatever.

We're actually feeling Our practice is really a training for this It's training us to consciously choose the pause The very mindfully and willfully choose to suspend all activity for a time Let go and just arrive here in the present.

We're asking ourselves really To stop sawing if you will even for a moment or a breath and in that pause We are then asked to let go of all that.

We've been holding on to you so tightly all of our planning judging and argument opinion and distraction All those things that tend to keep us from feeling What's underneath all of it?

And so in the pause we're allowing whatever's here to just be here with us without judgment including all our thoughts and our emotions or even that flood that we might have been holding back through our constant doing and Because this can be so difficult we can really help ourselves to be in the pause By again being that kind Compassionate presence for ourselves.

We offer ourselves a place of safety a safe space over the years I've learned some very simple affirmations from the teachings that can really help us connect to the sense of unconditional kindness and compassion and I'd like to offer some of these to you The first one is the one I use so often and it's just five words from the teacher Sylvia Borstein But I personally think it's the most powerful phrase It's simply quote sweetie You are in pain or buddy Dear one,

Whatever word you want to use Sweetie,

You are in pain and I love it because right off the bat.

It's immediately kind And it's also right away a deep recognition of our suffering Without any judgment right now in the present Sweetie,

You're in pain Then our teaching Sylvia Borstein takes the phrase even further by adding these words Relax Take a breath Let's pay attention to what's happening.

Then we'll figure out what to do So in other words once we've allowed ourselves to rest in the pause Then we can decide what's most needed the most compassionate response Which is exactly how we're being asked to practice here another great phrase I find helpful is from the teacher and writer Kristin Neff and She says we can say to ourselves something like This is a moment of suffering Suffering is a part of life It's what connects us May I be kind to myself May I give myself the compassion that I need?

Now read that again This is a moment of suffering Suffering is a part of life.

It's what connects us May I be kind to myself?

May I give myself the compassion that I need?

We can also Try saying something like I care about this suffering I Care about this suffering And here the important word is this which means it's not my suffering.

It's the suffering,

You know other people are also going through this exact same thing and When we can recognize and access this truth,

It can really help us to not feel so alone Care about this suffering Another very traditional way we can work with the recognition of suffering is by actually bringing a sense of gratitude to it We can actually bow to the difficulty Because the hard truth is if we can really stay with it and not run away from it when we can pause It's actually exactly what's going to help us to learn and transform So we bow to it Another affirmation we can use is made the suffering serve awakening Made the suffering serve awakening Which is something we can pray for in a way not only for ourselves,

But for others in our world Please made the suffering serve awakening And finally,

I want to share an image I like to recall about the pause that came to me from a student who sent me an email a few years ago When she was taking a course with me and she was just learning about the practice.

She was very new But I loved her story She said that she was driving in really heavy rain for miles and miles on the highway and She noticed that there was a sort of nervous energy around the rain and that the constant Background noise of the rain carried a kind of anxiety with it so she was feeling really nervous for herself and for everyone around her and You know all those people on the highway who were struggling in this heavy rain And then suddenly in the middle of all of this She passed through kind of a wide longer tunnel and in that brief moment She said there was space and silence There was a brief pause in the middle of all that nervous energy of the rain Until it began again And she said that in that pause it felt so nurturing somehow that she was able to relax just a little and This release brought on some tears as she suddenly recognized how afraid and tight she'd been feeling And as she wept she was also able to offer herself and others even more compassion for needing to drive in That kind of awful weather and she said shell that's just what meditation feels like to me That's just what meditation feels like and so to end if it's available for you I thought I'd offer you a brief meditation and some time to practice this kind of pause And so if you're somewhere where you can find Comfortable seat you might do that now and a comfortable posture You're driving.

You might become more embodied since the breath Since your hands on the steering wheel Your seat on the car cushion If you're out walking again feeling more embodied sensing the breath Feeling your feet and the earth Connecting to the earth Fill yourself walking fill the body walking breathing for all of us maybe taking a Nice deep breath in filling the lungs The slow exhale let and go Be a couple of rounds of these on your own Stick it in touch with the body and the breath and on each exhale Really letting the body soften Let go Even just five or ten percent more each exhale Might drop the shoulders you might notice the very center of the palms Let the palms soften the gesture of both receiving and letting go Receiving and letting go and see if you can allow that feeling of letting go and receiving Wash over the whole body a little more Let me see if you can let go and open You haven't already you can start Noticing the breath in the body.

Is it naturally inhales and exhales?

If there's still some control no worries at all Following the breath as you breathe in Breathe out might notice the whole area of the face If you can let the face soften forehead smooth Eyes soft in their sockets teeth slightly parted so the jaw can relax Still aware of the body breathing each exhale Letting go just a little more And as you continue,

I want to invite you to focus a little more in the exhale Letting go breathing in breathing out softening opening Letting the body settle and even sense yourself As a part of the earth Letting the earth hold you As you continue now,

You might breathe directly into the area of the heart If you can connect a little more fully with the heart space It's helpful.

You can place one hand or both on the heart One hand on the heart one on the belly Just a more fully connect You might feel the rise and fall the breath on the fingers And even imagine the actual shape of the heart Imagine breathing right into the heart letting there be more space And as you're ready,

You might ask yourself Am I willing to set down that saw if you will To set down that saw if you will All that I've been doing and carrying Then listen to what my heart has been trying to tell me and I allow What feels tender and vulnerable to be here with me fully?

And I be that kind Calm Compassionate presence Who's simply right here?

Listening if it's helpful,

You might even hear the words I'm right here I'm listening to see what arises I'm right here I'm listening

Reviews

Profoundly helpful 🌟 Thank you and I wish you a peaceful autumn day 🍁

Great teacher! Soothing voice. Helpful session for me. Love the short metaphors and phrases to remember! Thankyou

𝚅𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚙𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚍𝚊𝚢. 𝚆𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚔𝚜.

I recently have had to face and embrace great personal loss and face the change it means for me. Two very important teacher/friends, whom I taught with, and shared a love of children and the kindergarten grade level have both died within the space of less than 5 months. Two of my touch stones. Their laughter, their clear, strong voices have gone silent. They are on their path traveling on. I am here missing them.
So thank you for this. I am grateful and quieting myself, letting go the grief, experiencing my fear of change as life unfolding in all its’ uncertainty.