Finding Refuge In Gratitude

Especially in times of difficulty, the practice of gratitude (or katavedita, in Pali) is one of the most profound skills we can use to help us discover some sort of balance in our lives, some ground beneath our feet, a sense of safety when everything else around us seems to be coming undone. In this new talk, Shell explores this essential element of our practice, and how we can use it to make a deep shift in our consciousness, and open our awareness to the preciousness of each moment.

Transcript

GONG So, As always, What I'd like to offer you in this talk is a practice that I've personally been really leaning into a lot lately, For many months actually, As a way to help balance what feels to me like a lot of fear and anxiety and grief and anger and exhaustion, Really, As it concerns the state of our world right now. It's been a lot, And there's quite a bit of suffering going on, Not only in the United States, Of course, But all over the world. And, Of course, Our practice really demands that we not look away from the suffering, But instead allow ourselves to awaken to the truth of what's happening so that we'll be better able to work towards healing. This is just a very basic tenet of the Buddhist teachings. In the First Noble Truth, The Buddha tells us there is suffering and that this suffering needs to be acknowledged. Unfortunately, A lot of people take this to mean that all of life is suffering and that the Buddhist practice itself must be something maybe grim or serious or even depressing. Happily, That is not it at all. And, In fact, The Buddha himself was known as the happy one. And I personally like to think that the entire Pali Canon is a kind of elaborate instructions manual for us that details exactly how we can get to the end of suffering. And yet, As we've all experienced, There is a very strong desire in us to want to jump right over all that messy suffering stuff and just get right to the end. We tend to want instant release, Instant bliss, Instant nirvana. And unfortunately, Of course, That's not how our spiritual practice works. Just last week, I was listening to a great talk by Lama Rod Owens, Who a few years ago authored a powerful book called Radical Dharma, Talking race, Love, And liberation. And in just one sentence, He offered what I felt was a great summary of the teachings of the First Noble Truth. He said, We cannot heal what we don't acknowledge. Very simply, We cannot heal what we don't acknowledge. In fact, When we don't acknowledge the struggle or the suffering or when we try to resist it or run away from it, Fight it, Or maybe just pretend or deny that it's there. This is exactly how we perpetuate and continue the harm and the pain of it. So it's really just like a physical wound. If we don't give it the attention and the care that it needs, It tends to fester and become even more painful and last even longer. And as Lama Rod tells us, We cannot heal. On the other hand, When we finally allow ourselves to truly acknowledge what's happening, The pain, The suffering, Anger, Fear, Envy, Shame, Whatever it is, When we give ourselves permission to see it and feel it and become awakened to it, What happens is that our compassion practice then compels us almost naturally to want to care for it and to work towards healing. And because the seeing and acknowledging can be so difficult, It is also crucial for us to develop some wise, Compassionate skills or practices that can hold us, That can give us a sense of safety and shelter, Refuge, Groundedness as we continue to courageously open our hearts. As the Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh so wisely reminds us, Suffering is not enough. I love that. Suffering is not enough. So I wanted to share with you what I feel is one of the most important tools or skills that we can use to help support us in the face of suffering, Which again is a practice I've personally been leaning into these days, Which is gratitude, Or kata vedita in Pali. This is one of those practices that on the surface can seem so simple, But it's really one of the most profound skills we can develop to help us discover some sort of balance in our lives, Some sort of ground beneath our feet, Something that can give us a sense of safety when everything else around us seems to be coming undone. In fact, In the teachings on fear and worry, The practice of gratitude is considered one of two main antidotes that we are asked to apply to help us with this. It's like here are two balms we can use to help soothe the pain of our wounds. These are important. The first of these is loving kindness or metta, Which we're asked to offer to both ourselves and others, Especially in times of difficulty. And here I always find it helpful to remember that the root meaning of metta includes both friendliness and gentleness. And as you might imagine, Especially when we or others are experiencing struggle or suffering, We are asked to continually remember to be kind, To treat ourselves and others as a dear friend rather than the opposite of this, Which is to treat ourselves or others like an enemy. So often when I notice that I'm really struggling with something, Especially if I'm really feeling off balance in some way, If it's big, I like to ask myself a simple question, Which is, Are you being a friend to yourself now or an enemy? Are you being a friend to yourself now or an enemy? And then to be really honest with myself about the answer. And if my answer is that I've in some way been acting like an enemy towards myself, My practice then includes making a strong, Concerted effort to turn this around and to begin to offer myself my own friendliness, My own metta and karuna, A compassion. It's also important to remember that the second meaning of metta is gentle. And so along with our friendliness, We're also asked to be gentle with ourselves and others rather, Again, Than the opposite, Which is harsh or cruel. And sometimes I even find it helpful to consider how I might want to be with a child who is experiencing something difficult, A child who's maybe upset or afraid or angry, Whatever it is. I try to remember that what that child would need the most would be my kind, Gentle presence. And of course, This is exactly how we're being asked to be present for ourselves and for others. So that's the first antidote, Kindness, Metta. We want to remember, Especially in times of difficulty, To offer ourselves and others our kind presence. The second main antidote is gratitude, Katte vedita. And this is what I really want to talk about here, Because I think it's so vitally important, Especially now. It's also difficult. One of my favorite writers, Barbara Kingsolver, Writes about the importance of nurturing gratitude and joy, Especially in times of struggle so beautifully. She writes, In my own worst seasons, I've come back from the colorless world of despair by forcing myself to look hard for a long time at a single glorious thing, A flame of red geranium outside my bedroom window, And then another, My daughter in a yellow dress, And another, The perfect outline of a full dark sphere behind the crescent moon. Until I learn to be in love with my life again, Like a stroke victim retraining new parts of the brain to grasp lost skills, I have taught myself joy over and over again. I just love that. In my own life, I've found that gratitude is one of the most profoundly helpful ongoing aspects of this practice, Especially as it concerns the development of my mind, As well as my really my attitude towards life itself. It's really made all the difference in how I show up in the world, And also how I experience it. It is so important, In fact, That I often feel like gratitude is truly the whole thing. It's the whole ball of wax, If you will. It is exactly what we're aiming at. In the very first lines of the Dhammapada, It points to this. In it, The Buddha famously tells us, All experience is preceded by mind, Led by mind, Made by mind. Speak or act with a corrupted mind, And suffering follows as the wagon wheel follows the hoof of the ox. All experience is preceded by mind, Led by mind, Made by mind. Speak or act with a peaceful mind, And happiness follows like a never departing shadow. And if we think about it, A peaceful mind is really a mind that's filled with gratitude. Gratitude even in the face of what the Buddha calls the 10, 000 joys and the 10, 000 sorrows that make up this life that we're living. When I was a young kid growing up in Michigan before I became a Buddhist teacher, I very vividly recall being really excited every year to watch It's a Wonderful Life on the TV at Christmas. Mainly because I just love the ending where the George Bailey character realizes that his life is precious, Even in the face of financial ruin and scandal and jail. And I loved it because it just felt so true. And even today, If you could see me at home, I have a very old habit of just saying yay out loud to almost every single thing that I find delightful. In the Buddhist teachings, We are asked over and over again to recognize the preciousness of human birth, And not to waste one single second of it because it's so fleeting. So to be mindful of every moment of our lives and wake up to it. There's actually a famous story from the Buddha that I like to remember about a blind turtle who lives way down deep on the floor of the ocean. According to the story, This blind turtle only rises to the surface of the ocean once every hundred years. And apparently on the surface of this ocean, There is a small golden yoke, Which is you might imagine is being constantly blown around by the wind and the waves. What are the chances the Buddha asks us of that blind turtle servicing at just the right moment and in just the right place to be able to put its head through the yoke? He says, Our chances of gaining a human life are just as improbable, And therefore just as precious. And we should all treat our lives as if this were true. And so here again, We find the great focus on the practice of gratitude. I also remember a great story from the modern teacher Mark Epstein, Who wrote about a time that he and several friends were very new to Buddhism, Were just learning. And they traveled to Thailand to meet the great master Ajahn Chah, Who was actually the teacher of my teachers in the Vipassana lineage. Mark wrote that after they gathered around this great master, They asked him to explain the Buddhist teachings to them. And this is what Ajahn said. I say, Of course, But when I understand that this glass is already broken, Every minute with it is precious. So that was his very first lesson when asked to describe the Buddhist teachings. And many of you may be familiar with what are called the five remembrances, Which are five things that we are asked to remember daily as a kind of practice. And of course, A lot of people find these incredibly difficult since essentially what they're asking us is to remember that we will all get old and sick and die, And that everything we love will be lost to us. And, You know, It really does sound morbid, But the truth is, The more we can get in touch with this inevitability, Again, Not turning away from it, Looking at it squarely, What happens is the more we wake up to the fleeting quality of our lives, Which makes every moment more precious. Many years ago, I remember hearing a great daily gratitude practice that's used by many meditation masters in Tibet. Apparently, Every night before they go to bed, They set their teacups upside down as a reminder of those five remembrances, A reminder that life itself is impermanent, As are we. And every morning when they're able to turn their teacups right side up again, They rejoice with the thought, Hey, Look, I'm still here. Yay. What a blessing. In a kind of symbolic way, I did something similar this spring with a meditation platform that my husband Brent had made for me years ago to use for the retreats that I offer. It's really just a big wooden box that I used to use as support for my meditation bench so that students could see me. And when I realized that I wouldn't be teaching in person for quite some time, An unknown time, I decided to flip it over and fill it with dirt and use it at home for vegetables, Which a friend of mine brought to me, And I needed a place to put them, And I didn't have a place. So I thought, Okay, I'm going to use the box. And since then, It's actually been a great daily reminder for me to receive each day as new, To be open to it, Just like the Tibetan monks with their cups, Open for the full catastrophe of it, All of it, As the teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn tells us, Life, Just as it is. The other day, When I was walking on a nearby trail with Brent, And we were discussing what might be next for us in our lives now, Brent mentioned something that he'd read once from Confucius that really struck me, Because I hadn't heard it before. He said, You have two lives. The second one begins when you realize that you only have one. I'll read that again. You have two lives. The second one begins when you realize you only have one. So, If this is true, The question then becomes, How would I want to live the remaining days of my life? The answer to that question usually involves another question that I love from my very favorite Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron. And I love her dearly, Mainly because she is often just so direct. She really doesn't mess around, Pema. She recommends asking ourselves honestly, Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, Or do I choose to live and die in fear? Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, Or do I choose to live and die in fear? And I think it's such a powerful question, And whenever I think about it, It usually wakes me right up. And in those moments when I'm really confronted with that question, Instead of beating myself up for feeling fear and trying to somehow conquer it, It's very helpful for me to remember that I'm not alone. I'm not alone. According to modern science, Feeling fear is just how we're wired. It's actually in our genes. It's in our DNA. This has often been called our inherited negativity bias. This is a common trait that we've all inherited for many different reasons. The teacher and neurobiologist Rick Hansen explains it this way. He says we tend to be quote velcro for the negative and teflon for the positive, All of us. Unfortunately, What's also true is that when we focus on what's wrong all the time instead of what's right, Science has also shown that this tendency can create literal grooves in our mind, And it makes it much harder for us to step off those sort of well-worn habitual paths that we tend to walk. So that's the bad news. The good news is that science has also shown us that through this practice, The practice of training our minds and our bodies, We can literally change the way our mind works. If we can truly evolve, It's possible. The poet Dale Byron tells us, Quote, Evolutionarily, We're always connected with what's not right. That's what makes gratefulness delightfully subversive. So happily, There are many ways that we can use our meditation practice to help us with this, To be delightfully subversive. In fact, Again, Whenever we practice gratitude, We're actually creating new grooves and pathways in the actual brain, Very diligently, Intentionally choosing what we want to focus on. There's actually a great teaching from Thich Nhat Hanh, Who shows us how we can consciously do this simply by beginning to notice more and more often our state of mind. He says this. We often ask, What's wrong? Doing so, We invite painful seeds of sorrow to come up and manifest. We feel suffering, Anger and depression and produce more such seeds. We would be much happier if we tried to stay in touch with the healthy, Joyful seeds inside of us and around us. We should learn to ask, What's not wrong and be in touch with that. So what's not wrong is one of those great short phrases that I love because they're so easy to remember. And like so many of them, I have this one too taped up in my office here to remind me. And honestly, Whenever I look at it, What amazes me is how often I find myself worrying or fretting or complaining about something when I'm looking at it or thinking about what's wrong instead of what's right. You know, What's wrong with me, My body, My family, Husband, Cat, House, Finances, Other people, Politicians, The world, Etc. It's kind of fascinating. But again, Given our inherited negativity bias, I know that I'm not alone in this. In fact, If we're really honest with ourselves, We might even begin to notice how often we wake up with this type of thinking. Like instead of being really excited about turning that cup right side up, We might instead be focused on all the things that we need to worry about or complain about or maybe even what needs to be fixed. Or maybe instead of reaching for that cup, We instead automatically reach out for our cell phone and automatically start doing something that I recently read is called doom scrolling, Which the Urban Dictionary has described as, Quote, Obsessively reading social media posts about how utterly effed we are. They spelled it out, But I won't do that here. Which I think is kind of funny, But the problem is that, Again, Because our perception tends to skew towards the negative, There's a very good possibility that we're actually not seeing the world as it really is, More accurately with clear glasses, More of a sense of balance. So as a way to start seeing things more clearly for balance, We might begin to notice what in the mind is unwholesome or negative or what thoughts are leading us towards greed, Hatred, Ill will, Those three poisons, And then consciously replacing them with what are considered more wholesome thoughts, Ones that are going to lean more towards kindness, Compassion, Joy, And balance, Or what are often called the four divine abodes or the Brahma-viharas, Those places that we want to dwell in. We want to live there in kindness, Compassion, Joy, And balance. The teacher Thomas Bain, Who wrote the Buddha's Way of Happiness, Describes the process this way. He says, If you're out watering your flower garden by hand, You naturally concentrate the flow of water to benefit your beautiful flowers. If there's an area of weeds, You don't waste water there. As best as you can, You avoid watering the weeds. It's the same with your consciousness. You can learn to selectively water the positive seeds and flowers in you. Sometimes we unwittingly water the weeds within us. We voluntarily expose ourselves to toxic and destructive things. When we're sad, We tend to feed the sadness by playing sad music, Drinking too much, Rehearsing our sad thoughts internally, And to anyone who can bear listening to us. Protect yourself from experiences that harm your consciousness. It's important to notice how things actually affect you and not let them colonize your consciousness, Even if they're popular or critics say they're artistic. If you see this clearly, You won't want to continue exposing yourself to this kind of experience. There are many lovely things in the world. Why focus so much on the potentially destructive ones? So I love that. Of course, It's easier said than done. It's nice to try to remember that. Why focus so much on the potentially destructive ones? According to Rick Hansen, Who writes a lot about the actual science of this practice, We can truly start to train the mind and body to not only start noticing more pleasant experiences when they happen, But to actually wire these feelings of happiness in the mind and the body to help replace feelings of fear, Worry, Or despair. And he says that we can help ourselves to do this by consciously leaning in to a pleasant experience whenever we notice that it's happening. We lean in for at least 30 seconds so that the quote, Neurons that fire together can wire together, As he says. Neurons that fire together can wire together. So, For instance, Whenever we notice that we're enjoying something like the beautiful sight of a sunset or the new flowers in our garden or a loved one or a pet, We don't let this pass. We consciously allow ourselves to sort of bask in that experience and let it really bathe our bodies and our minds. We soak in it and feel that good feeling in the mind and the body and enjoy it so that when it happens again, We'll be better able to experience it in the future, Right? A good, Pleasant feeling. We're wiring it in and having more and more of those moments because we're consciously on the lookout for them. In the same way, Another fantastic way for us to train the mind is to actually keep a gratitude journal. And this is another one of those things that can seem really simple, But it's actually an incredibly powerful tool that we can use. In fact, Clinical studies have shown that people who write down their gratitude for just 10 weeks can raise their levels of happiness 25%. 25%. That is quite an incentive. And what I find interesting about having a gratitude journal is that we can sort of use what we might call our built-in wanting tendency, If you will, To train our minds to focus on all the good things in our lives. Because what happens is that we tend to start wanting to collect all those things for our journals, Just like we might want to collect seashells that we see on a beach. It's that wanting tendency. We want to collect it. So what we're really doing is training our mind to more consciously look for those shells, To be on the lookout for the good, To become aware of all the things that are not wrong as opposed to all those things that we feel are. And of course, This journal doesn't even need to be elaborate. We might start out with just five simple things, You know, And then maybe we end up wanting to add more and more and more until it might be something simple like, The sound of my pen on this paper is delightful. As we continue, We might even start paying attention to all those moments in our life that we usually consider boring. You know, Mostly these are ones that we do all the time. We don't pay attention. So when we're turning on the water faucet, Maybe we might imagine what it might be like without water and to be grateful for everything that we do with water. Maybe when we have hot water, We might remember that for many people, This is a real luxury to have hot water pouring out every day. When we're reading, We might pause once in a while and simply rejoice in the fact that we can read. We might also pause and celebrate our body in whatever condition it might be in. Now, We might say, Thank you, Thank you, Body. We might even take a trip around the body, Basically doing a kind of body scan meditation, And we could say thank you to each part of the body in turn. Again, Even those parts that may not be functioning well. Thank you feet, Legs, Hips, Abdomen, Low back, Chest, Upper back, Throat, Head, Heart, Lungs, Organs. And we definitely want to thank our awesome senses because truly they're home. As the Buddha famously tells us in the Anguttara Nikaya, I declare that is in this fathom long body with its perceptions and thoughts that there is the world. We can also start paying attention to every little thing around us and be thankful. Again, Maybe those things that we take for granted, Like right now the furniture that we're sitting on. We might think of all the people involved in making it possible for us to do something as simple as sitting on a chair. It could be the building that we happen to be in. Someone built that. Someone put all the utilities in it that we're enjoying, The electricity, The hot water, Etc. We might thank the air all around us for supporting our lives. We might even thank our amazing sun for shining and keeping us and all other living things alive. We might be thankful for all the people in our life who we might also take for granted. And as we continue in this way, We might start to realize that there's really no limit, No limit to the things that we can express our gratitude towards. In fact, We can become grateful for each tiny, Precious moment. I very often like to use a simple meditation from Thich Nhat Hanh for this, And it involves intentionally pausing and saying to yourself, Breathing in, I calm body and mind. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment, I know that this is the only moment. And of course, You can do this for a few seconds or a minute or five or as long as you want, Noticing that each new moment is completely different than the one before and therefore precious. Breathing in, I calm body and mind. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment, I know that this, This is the only moment. And no matter how you practice gratitude, Each time you do, However it looks, You really want to notice how you feel as you're doing this. So, For instance, You might start to notice a sense of warmth or softness around the heart or in the body. Maybe a sense of the whole body softening or opening. You might even ask yourself, What are the physical sensations that arise with gratitude? Or how does the body feel when it's grateful as opposed to how it feels when it's complaining or worried, Angry, Etc. ? What is the physical sensation of gratitude? Finally, I want to emphasize that it's also really important for us to remember to be grateful for our difficulties, Truly, Because these are our greatest teachers. In fact, One of the things I dearly love about the teachings is that they ask us to actually bow to our difficulties and to thank them. Because if we can bow to them and learn from them, They are ultimately what's going to transform us. The great Tibetan master Chögamchupa Rinpoche once wrote this, All the things taking place around our world, All the irritations and all the problems are crucial. Without others, We cannot attain enlightenment. In fact, We cannot even tread on the path. If there is no noise outside during our sitting meditation, We cannot develop mindfulness. If we do not have aches and pains in the body, We cannot attain mindfulness. We cannot actually meditate. If everything were lovey-dovey and jellyfish-like, There would be nothing to work with. So to end, Before I invite you into a gratitude meditation, I wanted to offer a passage that I like from Tolkien's Fellowship of the Ring, Where Frodo says to Gandalf, I wish it need not have happened in my time. So do I, Said Gandalf, And so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us. So to end, I'd like to offer you a simple gratitude meditation. So if it's available, I'd like to invite you to settle into a comfortable posture. And close your eyes if you'd like. Maybe take a couple nice deep breaths in and out, Just to get in touch with the breath, And just slow the body and the mind down a bit. Each breath in, Be just sensing the whole body and allowing there to be a softening. We start from the top of the head down, Noticing what you can soften. Maybe imagining the skin all around the head, Softening forehead, Eyes, Cheeks, Jaw, Breathing. Letting the shoulders drop. You might even place a hand on the heart and the belly, Or both hands on the heart, Or not. Whatever feels comfortable. If you do have a hand on the heart and the belly, You might notice the feeling of the breath on the fingers as you breathe in and out. Again, Inviting the body to soften. Finding the heart to soften and open. I'd like to invite you also to maybe bring a slight smile into the corner of the eyes, Corner of the mouth. Not as a way of covering over anything ever, Just as a way of inviting that first antidote, Metta, Kindness, Friendliness here, That gentle presence right here to be with you. Maybe sensing gratitude for each inhale and exhale. And again, Because we live our whole lives through our senses, This body, I'll offer you a brief meditation on the senses, Gratitude for the senses. We'll go through each one. So as you're ready, I'm going to invite you to bring to mind a taste for which you're grateful for. Maybe favorite vegetable, Fruit, Plant, Food, Drink, Maybe a snowflake melting on the tongue. Maybe you've somehow lost your sense of taste, Maybe remembering what you were able to taste. Maybe you can linger on the gratitude for taste with each new thing that arises in the mind. So grateful for oranges, Maybe, Whatever it is. Continuing to breathe, Relax the body, Leaning into a sense of gratitude. Thank you. Now as you're ready, I'm going to invite you to bring to mind a sound or sounds that you're grateful for. Maybe the sound of birds singing or loved one's voice, Waves crashing on the shore, Music, Something you hear in the morning or in the evening. Think of all the sounds that you feel grateful for and allow yourself to linger on each one and sense your gratitude. You can deepen the sense of a smile in the mouth or the eyes, Increase that. That's helpful to really get a sense of gratitude. You might even, Again, Whisper the words, Thank you. Continuing to breathe. And as you're ready, You might now bring to mind a smell that you're grateful for. Maybe flowers or your favorite food, Something you smell in the kitchen in the morning, In the evening, The smell of a loved one's clothing or skin or something in nature. And as you think of each smell, Allow yourself to really feel grateful for being able to have that experience and for the sense of smell. Again, If it's helpful, Bringing a smile to the lips and the eyes, Really leaning into the gratitude. And as you're ready now, You might bring to mind a sight that you're grateful for, What you can see with the eyes. Maybe it's the face of someone you love. Or again, A beautiful sunset, Colorful painting, Light changing the moon. See if you can allow yourself to feel grateful for the experience of looking in whatever capacity that is. And again, With that thought of thank you. I'd like to invite you now to bring to mind a touch that you're grateful for, The ability to touch. Maybe it's the ability to receive or give a hug. The softness of a baby's skin, The feeling of petting a dog or a cat or another animal, Fabric, Something in nature. And as you think of each one of these things, Can you allow yourself to feel grateful for the experience of touching? Stay with that. Stay with the gratitude. Once you've gone through each of these senses, I'd like to invite you to take a few minutes now to rest in the feeling of gratitude that you've developed. Allowing yourself to experience the richness and the beauty of your senses. The beauty of life itself, Being able to experience it in this body. So you might thank the body itself for allowing you to live your life through it. And finally, With the eyes closed, I'd like to offer you this poem from Mary Oliver. Who writes, Truly, We live with mysteries too marvelous to be understood, How grass can be nurturing in the mouths of the lambs, How rivers and stone are forever in allegiance with gravity while we ourselves dream of rising. How two hands touch and the bonds will never be broken. How people come from the delight or the scars of damage to the comfort of a poem. Let me keep my distance always from those who think they have the answers. Let me keep company always with those who say look and laugh in astonishment and bow their heads. Namaste and blessings. I hope you enjoyed this talk. These talks are always offered freely, So that no one has ever denied access to these teachings, And your support really makes a difference. Donna is an ancient Pali word meaning spontaneous generosity of heart. If you feel inspired to offer Donna, You can do so by visiting my website. Thank you so much.

Reviews

Truly superb as always. Thanks so much for sharing 🌟

☀️

I value this talk and the gratitude practice at the end. Thank you. 🙏🏽

Grateful for you🌻

I’ve really been struggling and found this one so healing ♥️🙏🏼 Thank you for this powerful and moving talk!