Balancing Care For Self & Others: Buddha's Advice

A particularly difficult human challenge involves trying to balance a desire to be there for others – both those in our personal lives and in our society in general – and a desire to offer ourselves our own self-care. When these two needs are unbalanced, we and others tend to suffer because of it, largely based on the degree of the imbalance. Gratefully, the Buddha offered us many ways that we could address these competing needs through our mindfulness meditation practice, and develop a sense of peace and ease for both self, and others. This talk explores some of his most important teachings on this topic. It includes a meditation at the end.

Transcript

So for this month's talk I thought I would explore what the Buddha had to teach us about a topic that's been kind of popping up in so many of my private conversations these days with both friends and students alike,

Really common theme.

And what I've been hearing is that on the one hand so many of us I think have been feeling pulled to kind of roll up our sleeves and reach out and help alleviate some of the suffering that's been happening in our world right now even if we're not exactly sure how best to go about this.

And on the other hand what I've also been hearing very loudly is people expressing an equally felt need to really take care of their own minds and hearts right now.

And personally for me it's really helpful to remember that people have been struggling with particular push and pull for thousands and thousands of years.

It's truly an ancient human torment if you will.

In fact more than 2,

600 years ago now the Buddha himself was very aware of this struggle to both take care of others as well as ourselves.

And happily he offered us some very sage advice about how we can go about doing this.

And of course as we might imagine the teachings are filled with many different ways that we can do this but for this talk I thought I would explore just a few of his most important teachings about this.

And so to start I want to really briefly mention what's called the Attadana Sutta because I feel like it relates directly to what we're all experiencing right now.

And if you feel like looking it up and reading it again it's A-T-T-A-D-A-N-D-A the Attadana Sutta.

So in it the Buddha actually shares about his own fear and his despair around what was happening in his society back then.

And he said just see how many people fight.

I'll tell you about the dreadful fear that caused me to shake all over.

Seeing creatures flopping around like fish in shallow water so hostile to one another.

Seeing this I became afraid.

Seeing people locked in conflict I became completely distraught.

But then I discerned here a thorn hard to see lodged deep in the heart.

It is only when pierced by this thorn that one runs in all directions.

So if that thorn is taken out one does not run and settles down.

If that thorn is taken out one does not run and settles down.

So here the Buddha is telling us that if we want to settle ourselves down and discover a sense of peace so that we'll be better able to help we first need to take care of the thorn that is lodged in our own hearts.

So just for a second we might just sit with that a little bit and contemplate what this might mean to have a thorn lodged deep inside our hearts.

Something that is just so painful that it's making us run around in all directions.

So first we might imagine that the thorn in our hearts is pointing to the deep pain that we ourselves are experiencing which the Buddha is telling us we need to recognize and pay attention to so that we can then take care of it.

For instance we need to see that our pain is causing us to quote run in all directions and then offer ourselves our own compassion or karuna in the Pali language is a kind of solve or medicine that can help us to calm down and also to help our heart soften rather than harden which of course is only going to make that pain that much worse when we refuse to acknowledge it or offer ourselves any care.

At the same time when the Buddha talks about the thorn he's also referring to what is often called the three poisons or the qualities of heart that cause us all to suffer.

Taken as a whole this includes the poisons of greed hatred and delusion which the Buddha tells us also need to be addressed and then taken out just like that thorn so that we can stop causing ourselves and others so much pain and suffering or again so that we can finally stop running and learn to settle.

So not an easy task because essentially the entire Pali canon or the whole of the Buddha's teachings is really aimed at helping us to remove that painful thorn of our suffering.

So I wanted to mention that Sutta but I really want to talk about another famous and related Sutta which is called the Bamboo Acrobat Sutra which is probably my one of my favorite sermons from the Samyutta Nikaya mainly because it offers us a very simple visual reminder of the teachings.

And so in this teaching story there are two acrobats who are performing on the street together for money and the first is a man who is a master acrobat and the second is his apprentice.

And here I need to admit that one of the reasons I think I so dearly love the Sutta is because the apprentice is a girl and unfortunately this is a rare thing to find in the Pali canon which so often focuses on the monks and the other men.

Also for some strange reason which I haven't yet been able to figure out the girl has a really odd nickname which is frying pan and so I thought I'd read to you directly from the Sutta.

The version that I like best is from the teacher and scholar Andrew Olenski who translates it this way.

Once in ancient India a bamboo acrobat set up his bamboo pole in the center of a village,

Climbed up the pole with great agility and balanced carefully upon its tip.

He then invited his young assistant to scamper up and stand on his shoulder saying to her,

You look after my balance my dear and I'll look after your balance.

With us thus looking after one another and protecting one another we'll show off our craft receive some payment and safely climb down the bamboo pole.

The girl said no no master that will never do.

You must look after your own balance and I will look after my balance.

With each of us thus looking after ourselves and protecting ourselves we will show off our craft receive some payment and safely climb down the bamboo pole.

And the Buddha said what frying pan the assistant said to her master was the correct way in that case.

And by the way Buddhist nuns also tend to love the Sutta because in this case the girl was right.

In explaining why the girl was right the Buddha told us this.

Looking after oneself one looks after others.

Looking after others one looks after oneself.

How does one look after others by looking after oneself?

By practicing mindfulness,

Developing it and making it grow.

How does one look after oneself by looking after others?

By patience,

Non-harming,

Loving-kindness and caring.

Right so on his face this might seem pretty simple to understand but it's often really difficult for many of us to put into practice or maybe even to agree with.

I think a lot of this comes from a kind of cultural misperception that tells us that if we focus on taking care of ourselves we're somehow being selfish or self-centered or maybe even narcissistic which is a word in my opinion that's really being thrown out a bit too much lately and used as a kind of shaming tool.

So it's not that there isn't a strong tendency towards narcissism in our Western culture because of course there is.

We can see this everywhere especially right now.

The problem is when this term is overused and over employed sadly it can have the effect of keeping us from truly taking care of ourselves in ways that are healthy or in ways that are in fact going to lead to less harm to others or to ourselves.

This is I think really important because shame tends to have a particularly strong effect on us and so of course it's something none of us tends to want to feel and so we tend to do whatever we can to avoid this.

Shame is also linked to a sense of identity and because many of us grew up with strong belief that in order to be a good person we need to be really selfless to care more about others than we do for ourselves.

Sometimes caring for ourselves can be a real challenge for so many of us mainly because we don't want to be given those labels of selfish right?

When it comes to the Buddhist teachings one question I hear a lot is okay if there's no self in Buddhism doesn't this mean that I should be selfless?

But this is also a misunderstanding.

So when the Buddha talks about the concept of no self or anatta he's pointing the fact that we cannot locate a permanent constant pin downable self that is unchanging.

We also cannot find a self that is separate from everything else.

A self that doesn't affect or isn't affected by all the rest because we are all interconnected.

The Buddha also never said that we aren't actual beings because this just obviously isn't true.

You know we all have names and we're living in this world and we're interacting with other people and affecting everything around us through our actions.

And actually this is really the only thing we have control over in this life which is our own thoughts actions and behaviors which relates to this idea of karma that what we say and do and how we show up really does matter and it affects everything else.

So all of that being said the truth is that if we are not focused on taking care of ourselves it's not only harmful to ourselves it's also truly harmful to others because again we're all interconnected.

So basically we create this kind of harm in two different ways.

The first and main way that we tend to not take care of ourselves is the easiest one to see right.

It's when we act in ways that are harmful or unskillful without really caring about how our actions or behaviors are affecting either ourselves or other people.

That's the first way.

The second main way that we tend to not take care of ourselves is not always as obvious.

It's when we are in some way believing that we need to sacrifice our own care and well-being and maybe even happiness for the care well-being and happiness of others or when we believe that our feelings or happiness or well-being is not as important as the feelings well-being or happiness of others.

And here I often like to remember these words from yet another Sutta the fire Sutta where the Buddha tells us quote one who is bent on the benefit both of self and of another is the chief best topmost highest and supreme.

I'll repeat that one who is bent on the benefit both of self and of another is the chief best topmost highest and supreme.

So I hope you see the balance here the equality of this.

We're not more important and we're also not less important it's balanced.

And speaking of fire there's another great phrase that I love to remind myself about often even though for the life of me I cannot confirm the correct author.

It's another short one and also kind of an affirmation which is you do not have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

So the idea here is that we again need to follow what the Buddha called the middle way and include ourselves in our circle of care because again it really needs to include both ourselves and the other.

In the example I gave in the acrobat Sutra we might imagine that if both the acrobat and his assistant are focused only on taking care of themselves the cost of not caring about the other they're both gonna fall down right.

But on the other hand if they're each focus simply on paying attention to and taking care of the other at the expense of not being mindful about their own balance again they're both gonna fall.

And so here the Buddha is suggesting that the two acrobats need to be mindful of balancing in such a way that quote by taking care of oneself one takes care of the other and by taking care of the other one takes care of oneself.

The late great Ram Dass had a great modern way of describing the same thing I think he said quote I help people as a way to work on myself and I work on myself to help other people to me that is what the emerging game is all about.

I just have to pause here for a moment and say that one of the reasons this Sutta is one of my favorites it's not only because it's so rich but because it's just a such a good visual example and reminder for us.

Because here the Buddha is using the imagery of two people precariously balanced on a pole to describe how difficult this whole dance can be and how mindful skillful and attentive we need to be in order to establish and then maintain harmony and not just let the whole relationship topple over.

Of course this relates to the relationships we have on all levels right the relationship we have with ourselves with other people with the whole world with society itself.

For example if we think about it even a simple casual conversation with someone so often requires this kind of skillful balance doesn't it?

So it doesn't topple over into unkind or unskillful speech that might make or break the whole interaction or even the whole relationship.

And of course we might imagine this extending out even further to things like working towards social change.

In writing about the Sutta the famous German-born monk Nana Ponica told us this quote if we leave unresolved the actual or potential sources of social evil within ourselves our external social activity will be either futile or markedly incomplete.

Therefore if we are moved by a spirit of social responsibility we must not shirk the hard task of moral and spiritual self-development.

Pre-occupation with social activities must not be made an excuse or escape from the first duty to tidy up one's own house first.

So in this Sutra of the Acrobat when the Buddha is pointing to the importance of balance he's also pointing to this quality of equanimity which is considered the fruit of our practice.

And so he's first pointing to the theme of physical balance which relates to our practice being about embodiment rather than an out-of-body experience that is not tethered to the body itself.

Many of you may recall that in the Satipatthana Sutta our first Satipatthana or foundation is the body.

It is where we experience our entire world and it's also what we want to work with.

So through our meditation practices we become more and more aware of our own bodies in the present moment.

What we are learning is to be more centered in ourselves,

Our real homes,

More balanced,

Calm and focused,

Awake and aware of everything around us rather than lost in the dream world of distracted thinking.

And so when we're centered in our bodies practice being in our bodies and not somewhere else.

We're gonna be better able to recognize for instance when we're starting to feel maybe unsteady or when we feel like we might be losing our balance.

So just as a for instance maybe we feel that strong sting of anger and recognize that we're about to say something snarky or unkind.

We can then work on mindfully bringing ourselves back home to the heart and to our intention to offer more kindness or compassion and calm.

On the other hand maybe we might notice that we're really running,

That we're going too fast,

We're not settled,

We're running around.

In that moment we might recognize that we're afraid or we're distracted and really need to slow down and focus before we do something that might be harmful to ourselves or others.

But if we're too interested in taking care of someone else or focused on what they're doing or so preoccupied with how they should be living their lives or maybe even blaming them for something,

We're not going to be able to notice what's going on in our own bodies.

And we're not taking care of our own bodies,

The places where we live,

The place where we live.

When we're letting our bodies get run down and tired and unhealthier,

Maybe even doing harmful things like filling it with alcohol or drugs,

We're just not going to be very helpful to ourselves or to anyone else around us.

In fact we're going to be literally unbalanced like a person who's drunk trying to walk a straight line or maybe like the person who's driving drunk which we can all recognize is a very strong example of putting both ourselves and others in danger.

And so the same goes for our caring for our inner balance which means cultivating a balance or centeredness of our own mind and heart that will hopefully keep us from acting out on our more primitive impulses to greed,

Aversion and deluded thinking.

Again those three poisons.

By the way these three greed,

Aversion,

Delusion have also been called the three harmful roots.

And I really like the way Nanda Panika talks about working on our own inner balance as a way of protecting others from these.

This is what he told us.

He said if we permit the three roots to take firm hold in our hearts then their outgrowths will spread far and wide like a jungle creeper suffocating much healthy and noble growth all around.

But if we protect ourselves against these three our fellow beings too will be safe.

They will be safe from our reckless greed for possessions and power,

From our unrestrained lust and sensuality,

From our envy and jealousy,

Safe from the disruptive consequences of our hate and enmity which may be destructive or even murderous,

Safe from the outbursts of our anger and from the resulting atmosphere of antagonism and conflict which may make life unbearable for them.

As to the third root delusion or ignorance we know very well how much harm may be done to others through the stupidity,

Thoughtlessness,

Prejudices,

Illusions and delusions of a single person.

History shows us that great and destructive mass delusions have often been kindled by a single individual or a small number of people.

Self-protection through wisdom and knowledge will protect others from the pernicious effect of such influence.

So the idea in the Sutra is that as we work on protecting ourselves from the pain that thorn of our own greed,

Hatred and delusion,

What we're doing is protecting everyone else from this type of negative karma as well.

So it's truly not selfish in any way.

As Zanna Ponnick explains it,

Someone who is patient towards others quote will protect himself better than he could with physical strength or with any mighty weapon.

And just for a second here I want to pause and just remind us all that we are human,

Right?

Which means we are all gonna lose our balance sometimes.

We're all gonna lose it and do unskillful things that we're likely gonna regret.

We're human.

We might do this every single day.

We might even notice that we're much more inclined to do something unskillful or maybe even harmful during those times when we've somehow lost our balance or our center.

Like when we're really stressed out or not feeling well or tired,

We all tend to fall back on old habits and behaviors that tend to cause either ourselves or others harm,

You know.

What happens is that we tend to more quickly react in these times rather than calmly respond.

And so this is why again the Buddha is really emphasizing this idea of balance.

Really practicing,

Practicing being calm and steady.

Especially when we find ourselves carrying something heavy or unstable and unpredictable.

You might think of that Acrobat Sutta again.

Andrew Olenski describes it this way.

He tells us,

Mindfulness is a tool for looking inward,

Adjusting our balance and staying focused on the still center point upon which everything else is poised.

The quality of the present moment awareness,

That bamboo pole upon which we all hover,

Can be calm,

Stable and focused.

And what it is,

Our well-being and that of all those who depend upon us is well protected.

And so along with practicing being balanced and centered,

We also need to be mindful of constantly trying to cultivate a sense of caring for both ourselves and others.

By very consciously,

Very deliberately,

Again practicing patience,

Practicing non-harming,

Practicing loving-kindness,

Practicing compassion.

One of my teachers,

The great Bhikkhu Analyo,

Says that when we are practicing the teachings of the Acrobat Sutta,

What we're really doing is practicing what's called dana or generosity,

In the sense that we are offering or giving others our patience,

We're giving them our kindness,

We're giving them our compassion,

Along with an assurance that we are not going to harm them.

And if we think about it,

This is really the opposite,

Isn't it?

Of offering others our greed,

Offering others our aggression or our deluded thinking.

Instead,

What we want to offer them is a kind of trust.

And so as we practice interacting with other people,

We might focus on our intention to practice these things within ourselves,

So that we can then offer this out to others,

So that we can eventually be that calm and balance for other people and for ourselves.

There's a wonderful quote and story about this that comes from the late great Vietnamese Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh,

Who wrote about the more than 1 million people in his native country who took to the China Sea from 1975 to 1985 in these small boats in order to flee the communist regime in South Vietnam.

So as you might imagine,

These were people who had little to no seafaring skills,

And they were sailing in these tiny boats that were very easily capsized,

And they were filled way beyond their capacity.

And so as you might imagine,

These boats were really easy targets for pirates.

And this is what Thich Nhat Hanh wrote about this.

He said,

When the crowded refugee boats met with storms or pirates,

If everyone panicked,

All would be lost.

But if even one person stayed calm,

It was enough.

It was enough.

It showed the way for everyone to survive.

I just find that so inspiring,

You know,

This idea that we want to become that one person who can stay calm in order to show others the way.

We want to become that balanced,

Kind,

Compassionate,

Centered presence.

Because the more we do,

The more people are going to begin to trust us.

That's what we're offering.

For instance,

They'll become more willing to stand on our shoulders,

If you will,

Trusting that we're going to be able to offer them a calm,

Steady presence,

And to trust that we are going to do our best to not harm them.

Remembering again,

This does not mean that it's now our job to save them.

What we are offering is our own patience and kindness and care.

The rest is really up to them,

As it's up to all of us to do our own inner work.

In the Sutra,

The Buddha calls attention to the fact that sadly,

We really can't control the balance of other people.

And he suggests that trying to do so is actually not going to work.

And so it is that while we can have deep compassion for someone who is currently unbalanced or struggling,

Or maybe someone who isn't a very good acrobat at the moment,

We cannot carry them at our own expense.

The only control we do have is over ourselves and our own practice.

And that affects everything.

Just as a for instance,

If the master acrobat in the Sutra is constantly wobbling and tiring himself out in his attempt to control his assistant's balance,

She's just then going to be more likely to wobble off herself and fall off.

But if he works to maintain his own sense of calm,

Balance,

And focus,

It's absolutely going to affect the balance of his assistant.

And that is what he's offering.

He's also constantly working to maintain his own balance in response to her and she to him.

And so when the two are doing this mindful dance together,

That is where there's true harmony.

And I know that when discussing the Sutta,

Dharma teachers often point to the relationship between parent and child here.

And for instance,

Sometimes parents can lecture their children over and over about what they should do and how they should be,

But nothing is going to influence the child's actual development more than the parent's own example.

And so when a parent practices being patient,

Non-harming,

Loving,

Caring,

Et cetera,

The child is going to learn to trust in those sturdy shoulders,

If you will,

Rather than just trusting the words or the rules that are spoken,

Which are often not exemplified by actual actions.

And I'll give you a personal,

Maybe vivid example of this,

Which came to my mind as I was writing this talk,

Which is something that I remember as a young teen growing up in the late seventies when everyone in the world,

Including my mother,

Seemed to be smoking.

And I remember it was in the summer during one of the many parties my parents used to host in our backyard at my house.

And I was caught smoking a cigarette with a friend and it was actually my very first cigarette.

And my mother ended up scolding me in front of the whole party,

In front of everyone,

With a cigarette in her hand,

And what I believe was very likely her fourth glass of wine in the other.

So that is my example.

And speaking of parenting,

We can also,

Of course,

Sometimes take on the role of parent for other adults in our lives,

Can't we?

And we can do this in so many ways by maybe trying to fix someone in some way,

Or by trying to control how we think they should be living their lives,

Or by maybe trying to save or rescue them,

Again,

At the expense of our own wellbeing.

As I was doing some research for this talk,

I came across an article by Lene Cohen,

Who is the author of When It's Never About You,

The People Pleaser's Guide to Reclaiming Your Health,

Happiness,

And Personal Freedom.

What struck me was this line,

Which is,

I finally realized that if I keep taking on other people's anxiety as my own,

They would never change.

And why would they,

After all?

They get lots of relief from me stepping in and resolving things.

But at what cost?

At what cost?

As it relates to the sutta,

We might imagine how difficult it would be for the master acrobat if he continued to try to take care of his apprentice as she was doing all sorts of things that were causing the two of them to become unbalanced.

You might imagine how much of a toll that would take with her on his shoulders and him putting in all the effort of trying to keep the two of them balanced all by himself.

He just wouldn't be able to do the important work of balancing himself.

And to quote Andrew Olenski again,

He said,

Life itself,

Life itself is a balancing act,

Where each of us perched upon a precarious pole,

Trying to stay centered in a swaying,

Breezy world.

It is difficult enough staying safe ourselves,

Let alone trying to keep track of all the things stacked upon our shoulders.

So finally,

Before I offer you a short meditation,

I thought I'd leave you with another image from the Jataka Tales,

Which is apparently stories about the Buddha's former lives before he became the Buddha.

And this one is a story about a monk who was traveling with a caravan.

And when the And so he decided to practice walking meditation all through the night.

What he didn't know was that robbers who were intending to rob the caravan thought that he was a watchman.

And so they didn't dare attack.

I love that,

Because the idea is that we really just never know what the karma of our own self care is going to produce.

We just need to trust that when we're nurturing our own balance,

This really can't help but produce good karma out into the world of other people as well.

It just can't.

And so as you're ready,

Or it's available to you,

I'd like to invite you to find a comfortable seat.

Close the eyes.

If you're walking,

You might also notice the breath and also the bottom of your feet,

Walking,

Getting in touch with the whole movement of the body becoming more embodied.

If you're driving,

Again,

You can feel your seat on the cushion of the car,

Feel your hands on the steering wheel.

Notice your breath.

Notice sound.

And for all of us connecting with the breath,

It's always moving through the body.

Maybe inviting a deeper breath in,

Slow breath out,

Just to get in touch with the breath.

Breathing in,

Breathing out,

Becoming more and more aware of the body and the breath,

The present moment.

Again,

Maybe having the intention of inviting more of a sense of calm,

Kindness,

Compassion,

Getting in touch with that intention to take care of your own heart,

That thorn,

In the heart.

If it's available and safe to do,

Might even place one hand or both on the heart,

Get in touch with the heart.

Breathing into the heart space.

Maybe acknowledging whatever's here in the heart.

Letting the shoulders drop,

Letting the tummy be soft,

Still aware of the body breathing,

Just being present with what's here.

As you're ready,

You might just consider a few questions.

Let your heart speak to you,

Maybe not your mind,

Let the heart speak.

You might consider what or maybe who might I be carrying on my shoulders that might be feeling a little too heavy or maybe taking me away from nurturing my own balance.

What or maybe who might I be carrying on my shoulders that might be feeling a little too heavy or might be taking me away from nurturing my own balance.

As you're ready,

You might now consider,

How could I begin to find even more balance for myself in my life?

How could I begin to find even more balance for myself in my life?

Finally,

One more question,

Which is,

In what ways could I practice extending even more patience,

Kindness,

And compassion for myself and for others?

In what ways could I practice extending even more patience,

Kindness,

And compassion out for myself and for others?

And finally,

With the eyes still closed,

Just listening to these words from the late great Thich Nhat Hanh who tells us,

You are me and I am you.

Isn't it obvious that we inter-are?

You cultivate the flower in yourself so that I will be beautiful.

I transform the garbage in myself so that you do not have to suffer.

I support you.

You support me.

I am here to bring you peace.

You are here to bring me joy.

Namaste and blessings.