How To Reparent Yourself

Let's discuss the 3 key ingredients to reparenting ourselves so that we can find inner peace, embrace our authenticity, and manifest what we desire. People-pleasing, long-term effects of trauma, and childhood conditioning will have us feeling stuck in invisible barriers or feeling like we self-sabotage. In truth, we're not broken it's just that our inner child doesn't feel safe to take these new steps. If you're ready to dive into Shadow Work please check out my Shadow Work for Manifestation course on Insight Timer. It will help you gain massive awareness of your childhood wounds so you can effectively heal your inner child and unlock new inner resources for resilience and empowerment.

Transcript

Here's why it's important for you to work on your boundaries and your standards.

What's the difference?

Well,

A boundary says up until this point and no further and a standard says this is the minimum criteria that you need to fulfill in order to be part of my life.

What happens once you set boundaries and standards?

You weed out all the people that do not deserve you.

Yes,

You will lose people but the only people you will lose are the gaslighters,

The manipulators,

The narcissists,

All these energy vampires and all the people that are really not adding to your life.

If you want to grow,

If you want to heal,

If you want to manifest a better life,

This is what you need to do.

Welcome to the Inner Sovereignty podcast.

My name is Sharon Kirsten and I'm a clinical trauma-informed hypnotherapist and master mindset coach.

I have been working with clients for over 10 years now and help them achieve rapid transformations in their lives.

In this episode I want to talk about boundaries,

Standards and needs.

This can all be lumped together under the banner of reparenting ourselves.

You've probably heard that when parents cannot show up for us the way we need them to,

We do not stop loving our parents.

We stop loving ourselves.

This creates an inner split within ourselves.

We basically get disconnected from our true selves,

Our true expression,

Because we start thinking that the way we are,

The way we would naturally act and behave is unlovable,

Is not okay and we try to adjust ourselves to fit into the world.

Of course this creates all sorts of problems when we grow older and we try to people-please,

We're available for narcissists in our lives and we just don't get the results that we want to because we have too many self-doubts and problems with our self-esteem.

As we embark on a journey of self-awareness,

Of self-actualization,

Of healing,

We often discover,

Even manifestation,

We discover beliefs,

Emotions,

Unmet needs and trauma that we've carried our whole life.

Because we want to create new results when we're manifesting and healing,

It becomes pretty evident that we are running into blockages,

Emotional blockages and that our inner child isn't really happy with the expansion that we want to embark upon because it doesn't feel safe.

So our inner child cannot age past those moments of trauma.

It has stored these beliefs that were created in the past and it keeps running them just like a program,

It keeps running on a computer.

So we cannot delete it,

We cannot change it,

We just keep executing on this program.

So just to give you an example of how this works,

Imagine that you're three years old and you're playing with your toys.

You've been content but now you feel like you need your mom's attention for attunement.

Your mom is on the phone and her attention is elsewhere.

She cannot attend to you and she's out of attunement with you.

She's busy and focuses her attention on other things.

So as an adult you will look at the situation and think,

Okay,

I'll just wait until she's done talking on the phone and she is available.

No big deal.

For an infant,

These logical functions of rationalizing and temperance aren't available.

Feelings,

Especially those of loneliness or abandonment,

Can be so intense that they are felt like physical pain.

Remember that neuroscience tells us that to the brain emotional pain and physical pain are the same.

I've had clients that have formed lasting beliefs from similar situations in childhood.

They seem harmless and would go completely unnoticed by any adult.

But an impression of I'm not important or unless I'm loud my needs won't get met,

Imprinted with emotional intensity,

Will become a belief that keeps playing out over and over until we allow this part of ourselves to find peace and to return to truth and wholeness.

There was one scene in Inception that I really really liked and it was right at the beginning.

Leonardo DiCaprio,

His character,

He asks,

What is the most resilient parasite?

A bacteria?

A virus?

An intestinal worm?

An idea.

Resilient.

Highly contagious.

Once an idea has taken hold of the brain,

It's almost impossible to eradicate.

While these ideas that we formed in childhood,

They take hold of our minds and they are like parasites that keep draining our energies.

We keep living out the same false interpretations of reality and begin to believe that we are less than lovable.

But these ideas and subjective interpretations are not the truth.

They are only one interpretation of an objective reality.

So what can we do about it?

We can reparent ourselves.

We can't go back and change our childhood.

That's not our focus here at all.

But as adults,

We have agency and we have choice and we need to become the parent that our inner child always needed.

We need to give ourselves today what we craved in childhood but did not receive.

We need to protect ourselves from the same painful experiences and actively work on creating a trusting relationship with our own inner child.

And what we do is we look at our needs,

We look at our boundaries and we look at our standards.

Because all of these things are going to help us to feel safe.

And once we feel safe,

Once our nervous system feels safe,

Once we can normalize feeling safe in situations that once felt unsafe,

We can expand.

So what are needs?

I want to be really clear that having needs is not needy.

Being needy is something completely different to actually simply having normal human needs that we crave to be fulfilled through a relationship.

So we know that unmet needs leave wounds that crave healing and that we will keep creating the same experiences so that we become aware of these wounds,

Reframe their meaning and take new actions.

So we need to be honest with ourselves what our needs really are and do the active inner work with ourselves to heal these wounds.

So we also know that a boundary is a definite line where your responsibility ends and another's begins.

It stops you from doing for others what they should do for themselves.

A boundary also prevents you from rescuing someone from the consequences of their own destructive actions which they need to experience in order to grow.

It can be confronting to set boundaries in the moment but in the long term you will create a membrane that protects you and teaches others how to treat you.

So valuable.

And then standards.

You know a standard is a minimum requirement or quality that needs to be present to entertain another in any sort of relationship with you.

What are some benefits of boundaries?

Clear boundaries are really a gift that you give yourself.

At first we all know this it can feel uncomfortable to be exposed to other people's emotional reactions to our boundaries.

But we have to remember this.

Either we keep abandoning ourselves to please others or we keep ourselves safe and let other people figure out their own emotions.

It's a simple choice.

Do we choose ourselves or do we choose them?

And still another perspective is you're actually depriving others of the triggers they need in order to grow.

You could be that mirror for them to see a pattern that is unconscious to them and they could actually start healing because you triggered them.

So the benefits are really reduced stress,

Inner child healing,

Improved relationships,

Especially more authentic relationships,

Separateness that allows for authenticity,

Self-respect and respect from others,

And physical and emotional safety.

Now the most important relationship we have is the relationship with ourselves.

Being able to trust ourselves to do what we promise ourselves to do builds our confidence over time.

So we can actually look at these aspects we talked about before as ingredients to create self-trust.

And self-trust is just another word for confidence or self-esteem.

So we can ask ourselves what needs do I have that I need to fulfill?

Needs from myself,

Self boundaries and self standards.

So first before we transform anything in our lives we need to transform the relationship that we have with ourselves because it all starts with us.

So here are a few ideas I want to give you and a few questions that you can contemplate.

So with the needs that you can fulfill for yourself,

How can you cater to your own needs?

Do you even know your own needs?

Do you respect your needs,

Inquire about them and make sure that you take good care of yourself?

You know you can't expect anyone else to look after you if you're not willing to do it for yourself because as you now know a life is a mirror.

You have to show yourself you are worthy to attract people who respect your boundaries and needs.

Then the second aspect was self boundaries.

Do you enforce your boundaries?

Also the boundaries you have for yourself.

Knowing your own boundaries is only one aspect of healing.

The other is enforcing the boundaries even when it feels confrontational or uncomfortable.

If you decide you will no longer be self-destructive in certain aspects,

Remember that small child within.

They really need you to show up for them.

They are hurting and they need protecting.

And then the third aspect was self standards.

Make sure you set new standards on how you allow yourself to be treated by you.

We can forget that we are often the most destructive force in our own lives and the way we speak to ourselves is so harsh that we would never dare to do that to others.

How can you increase the standards on how you hold and treat yourself?

As mentioned in that brief snippet before,

I have written a book called Shadow Work Guide and Workbook.

It is available on Amazon and it has a complete chapter on reparenting,

On boundaries,

On really recreating the trust within yourself.

The whole book is about healing your inner child,

Releasing emotional blockages and really stepping into your authentic manifestation power.

The only reason why we do not show up fully for our manifestations,

In our mindset,

In our energy,

In our actions,

Is because there is an inner child aspect within us that is saying,

Nah I'm not going there,

It doesn't feel safe.

And when we can do the work to bring awareness to these parts of ourselves,

When we can do the shadow work to bring the blind spots into the light,

When we can understand that maybe we don't feel safe to be seen because of certain aspects in our childhood,

Because of our mother wound,

Our father wound,

Whatever you find out going through this journal and workbook,

You will see that these blockages,

They start to melt and they no longer have the power that they used to have.

Destructive behaviors can be dismantled.

So if you're curious about doing this work,

Then jump over to Amazon or click the link in the show notes below to check out the book and start doing the work.

There is also a 14-day course that I created.

It has 16 minutes daily to do this kind of shadow work for manifestation,

Which I will also put in the show notes below so that you can check that one out too,

If that is a format that you enjoy more.

Thank you so much for joining me today and I'm looking forward to see you in the next episode.