After The Retreat

This talk was given on Valentine's Day 2017. Seth's first talk after coming back from a few day solo-retreat, it talks about the Valentine's Day holiday, his time practicing, and other experiences from his journey.

Please note: This track was recorded live and may contain background noises.

Transcript

So how's everybody doing?

Anybody have any trouble with the snow?

Was it good skiing and snowboarding snow?

Does anybody know?

Yeah,

It took us a little over an hour to get here today.

I don't know if that's because of the snow or just whatever.

Maybe Valentine's Day if everyone's rushing to Whole Foods to buy roses for their husbands or wives.

I think it's a really interesting holiday actually.

It's one of the few holidays that I think makes just as many people happy as makes them feel sad.

So when I saw my Facebook there was kind of an equal portion of people with pictures of them and their loved ones saying how happy they are.

And an equal portion of really unhappy people or people that just bought themselves flowers.

And I think it's kind of silly also that for some reason Valentine's Day it's about that kind of love,

Partner love.

It's very small and very kind of specific as opposed to just love as a kind of a bigger vehicle.

So I've just been on a four day retreat,

Three or four day retreat.

So this is kind of like the first time that I'm speaking to people since that.

I feel strange so I apologize.

You get strange vibes from me,

I've been kind of isolated for a few days.

So I try to take a retreat every month for myself so I spend a lot of time giving and teaching and traveling around.

And I really felt that it's important also for me to really take time for myself to continue my own personal practice and really also touch my own inspiration for this work that I'm doing.

And the last retreat I did,

A lot of stuff came up as it does anytime you kind of lock yourself in a room for a few days.

But then also I had some really deep meditations,

It was really beautiful and kind of empowering.

And this time,

This retreat,

I felt more like it kind of broke me.

So it really kind of showed me kind of the parts of myself that I'm still working on and the parts of myself that I try to kind of push away.

I think all of us have different parts to our character and our personality.

And some parts are more functional and we kind of put those to the forefront.

Functional could also mean presentable.

Again,

When you look at things like Facebook,

You see people that they really portray themselves in a very specific way.

And it's always interesting when I see people on Facebook that I know in real life and I see how they portray themselves and I see a way that's very different,

You know,

You can say.

But Facebook,

It's kind of just like it's an ego,

Right?

So if you look at that,

You could also kind of see a little bit how we in our daily lives also want to do that.

We want to put ourselves out in one way,

Whether it's in our family life,

In our workplace,

But also just for ourselves.

I think there's also parts of ourselves that we really feel that we want to connect more with.

We want that to be me.

That's how we feel the best.

And then there's parts of ourselves that are maybe more broken,

More underdeveloped,

More rough.

And those are things that sometimes kind of rear their ugly heads and we try to kind of like damage control and push that stuff away.

And you know,

Whether it's fear or whether it's anxiety or insecurity or feelings of not good enough,

Worthless kind of feelings,

Confusion,

Lostness,

You name it,

Right?

A whole array.

And for myself,

It became really clear that,

Because last time again,

I went on retreat and I was very disciplined and I tried to really meditate for a certain amount of time and have a structure and do all this.

And this time I really tried to let that go and just kind of see what does Seth do in a room when he has kind of open time.

And what I kind of came to see is that I'm very,

Very self-destructive.

That I really spend a lot of time sleeping or stimulating my mind or kind of not doing things that are really beneficial for me in any way,

If not things that actually make me feel farther away from myself,

More isolated.

We have Gaia TV at the house.

I was like watching all these documentaries on Gaia TV,

If you guys know,

Which are great.

But at the same time,

I was noticing more and more and more that there was almost like an emptiness that started to kind of arise inside of me.

And although my goal was to kind of face myself and to go inside,

The more that I was kind of abandoning myself or forgetting myself,

The more painful that was getting,

The more painful I was becoming.

And then the more pain that I was feeling,

Then the more I was trying to get away.

So it was kind of this vicious cycle.

I was reflecting that this must be what like a drug addict or something feels or an alcoholic or somebody that is trying to escape from themselves or their life somehow.

And they escape and then,

You know,

I was watching like a documentary about,

You know,

Flower of Life or something or the Dalai Lama and it was really great and engaging.

And then afterwards,

I come back and it's still just me sitting in this room feeling kind of like not so good.

So then I'll turn on the next one,

Right?

So it's kind of trying to escape from something.

And then I started feeling like,

What am I doing?

Like this is supposed to be a retreat.

Why am I like watching Gaia TV?

You know.

And it became this kind of real downward spiral of almost like looking at myself and thinking,

Oh,

I failed this retreat somehow.

This wasn't really what I came here for.

And all the stuff in it really was this whole process that slowly started coming into clarity for me.

Especially today,

It all started to come into focus.

And I really saw that this is a part of myself that is always there.

But I'm usually using some kind of force or willpower to kind of push myself forward,

To keep being productive,

To meditate,

To read,

To exercise,

To do kind of things that I need to do for myself.

But there's a measure of force,

Kind of pushing myself to not fall into that stuff.

Does anybody else have that experience?

Like maybe they feel like they need to go to the gym more or something and they make some kind of a determination to do that and they go like three times and they stop.

Anybody else have things like this just so I can see?

There's a couple of us.

Almost everybody.

Cyclical.

I have been six months and I keep saying I'm going to do it.

And I do some other things.

And also,

With this whole past campaign and the election,

I find myself focusing so much on reading the screen.

And it's like when you describe it,

You go from one to the other and it really doesn't do anything for you.

It sounds like an mechanic.

You just have to do another one.

And this is something that I was seeing.

I actually started seeing this with the election and all that stuff and that I was really gluing myself to NPR as I was driving to really just get all the newest information about what's happening and hear people talking about it.

And I also got to a point where I said I can't do that.

I had to give myself a break because I saw it was just too much.

But what you're saying about how it's cyclical,

Right?

I see for myself it's cyclical because my default state is very self-destructive.

My default state is me sitting on the couch watching Gaia TV,

Napping,

Eating chips or something.

My default state is very self-destructive.

It creates a rift,

That there's a rift between my emotional well-being and,

Yeah,

It's like an emptiness.

It feels like empty,

My default state.

And to not be in that state,

I have to push myself,

Force myself to get up to do stuff,

Right?

Using my willpower,

But that only lasts so long.

And then I get exhausted.

And I get exhausted and then I drop it and then I go back to the default state.

And to me,

That's the cycle,

Is that I'm either forcing myself or I'm exhausted and I'm giving up and I'm swinging back and forth in this pendulum between these two extremes of whether pushing myself and being something that looks like what I want to be,

But it's not sustainable,

It's exhausting,

Or giving up and being this me that I definitely don't want to be,

But it's like easier.

It's just the natural state somehow.

And so for this retreat,

I really let myself just from the beginning swing back,

Swing into the place I don't want to be and not force myself out,

Really to sit there and feel that and to look at it.

And to say,

Look Seth,

If you want to be alive in this world,

If you want to keep doing this thing called life,

You have to find another relationship because I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want to keep pushing myself and then being exhausted and then having to drop and then push myself.

I don't want to do that anymore.

It's exhausting.

I can't.

I've given up on that.

And so I kind of came to a place where I really just saw all of my inner wounds and all of these things that I haven't been able to fully deal with and also simply just this inability to be in touch with myself throughout the whole day,

To really stay with myself,

To stay present with myself.

And I've kind of realized that what was missing for me is actually something called self-love,

That it's not about forcing myself to be this ideal Seth that's functioning well.

And it's also not just allowing myself to do whatever I want,

Which eventually becomes like a self-destructive thing.

But it was something called loving myself,

Which it wasn't either side of that pendulum.

It was almost something that started to transcend that whole mechanism,

That left that whole system of extremes.

And it really came back to almost making a sort of determination not to abandon myself anymore,

To really stay in touch with myself kind of more fully and to really take my time and to recognize,

You know,

Because there was Netflix and I was going to turn on a Netflix and I was just like,

No.

And I finally knew,

I was like,

I know exactly that I'm not going to feel good,

That I'm going to feel empty.

Emotionally,

I'm going to feel empty.

That's just stimulation.

It's not what I want.

It's like flipping through Facebook or something.

It's not what I want.

And I was so clear that that's not the feeling I wanted,

That I was able to not do it and to really feel what is it that I want to do and actually ended up writing,

Really just taking more time to reflect and to be with myself.

And it's now I feel like something has kind of opened up.

It's kind of cracked open.

I actually feel very,

Very vulnerable.

So it's also,

Again,

Kind of like weird to talk in front of people about all this stuff because it was just like me in a room for four days dealing intensely with this.

Now I'm like presenting it to you guys,

Right?

It's weird.

But I see that it's also a process that I've kind of now embarked on.

So I don't actually yet feel that I have the complete answer.

So I think often when I talk,

There's also like a nice package involved.

But this time I feel like it's a little bit more open-ended because it's really something that I'm now engaging in.

How do I live my life in a way that my default state becomes one that's healthier for me?

That's not about forcing myself or giving up an exhaustion.

How do I move that natural default state into something that feels more healthy,

That feels more stable and balanced?

That,

Yeah,

I really feel more connected to myself.

Because I reflected,

You know,

I was in the monastery for eight years.

I've traveled to 24 countries.

I've spent time with the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh and all these teachers.

I've done retreats and been to all these holy places and had like magical,

Paranormal,

Crazy experiences all over the place.

And like all sorts of stuff has happened.

And I see at the end of the day,

Even though I've lived this really intense,

Amazing life,

All that I've really ever wanted was to feel okay inside of myself,

Actually.

All that I've ever wanted was just to feel content and relaxed and happy and to feel like a warmth in my belly and a joy in my heart and to really just feel okay being Seth,

To not have to do something to make Seth extra or more.

And that's just kind of like where I'm at today,

So I guess that's all that I have to say.

Do you get any,

Does that,

I don't know.

I'm just bombing you guys with this.

I don't know.

If this resonates with you at all.

But you told me we have to improve ourselves,

I mean become better selves.

So that could take the will far,

Right?

Yeah.

I mean,

We don't have to do anything.

I think that's the thing,

Especially being a Buddhist monk,

Right?

I really drilled it into my head,

This whole thing about enlightenment and spiritual path and effort and pushing and going.

There's this goal of liberation and improving and bettering and refining and purifying myself.

Yeah,

Fuck that.

It gets to the point where you're like,

That's a form of violence.

I feel like that's a form of violence to myself.

And ultimately if there is a way to get there,

It's with love,

It's not with violence.

Yeah,

I think there comes a point where improving yourself means letting go of trying to improve yourself,

If you know what I mean.

Again,

Just where I'm at today.

It seems to me that sometimes the concept of improving yourself means you're starting from less than anyway.

Right.

So if you're starting from less than,

You never quite catch up to good enough.

I've been reading in Paphanon,

Forget our last,

Renee Brown.

Renee?

Renee or Brené Brown?

Brené Brown.

And it's coming to terms with good enough is good enough.

And then if you start from there,

You can accept that.

What I'm doing is good enough.

There's no such thing as perfection.

So on the flip side,

There's no such thing as less than good enough as the starting point.

That really helps to maybe ground you and say,

Okay,

I'm okay.

I really am okay.

I just need to continue on that path.

Yeah,

Puts it into perspective.

Way harder to do than it is to say.

Something I actually got from the talk with the Dalai Lama,

Which was great,

Was somebody was asking him about conflicts in the world or even in China or whatever.

They asked him about conflict and he said,

Yeah,

You know,

Conflict,

That's normal.

He said as long as people come together,

There's going to be conflict.

But until now,

We've been resolving conflict with violence.

We should now resolve conflict with dialogue.

So he made this aspiration,

You know,

The 21st century should be a century of dialogue,

Communication,

And not just fighting.

And for me,

Actually,

The beautiful part about that was just the very first part when the Dalai Lama accepted or admitted that there will always be conflict as long as there's people.

And I think that a lot of the spiritual teachings that I hear and a lot of the ideals I even hold on myself point to this thing that's very holy and very spiritual.

It's like ultimately there will only be peace and nobody will fight.

You know,

These kind of spiritual ideals,

Which ultimately we will always feel less than because it's not realistic,

That a lot of us are holding unrealistic expectations and ideals onto ourselves and onto the world.

And because of that,

We can never match up.

We can never measure up to that.

Whether those are spiritual ideals from different spiritual teachers,

Whether they're ideals like you see attractive people in magazines and stuff.

And I look in the mirror and I'm like,

Where's my abs?

You know,

I just got like a keg.

I don't have the six pack,

Right?

You know,

And we're given all of these different ideals that we hold ourselves to that we can never really match up.

If not,

We're,

You know,

From the outside,

We're also holding ideals from our own childhood or in our own.

We've been carrying ideals our whole life about who we need to be to be loved and accepted and cared about and seen and important and accepted and all these things.

So yeah,

I guess somehow this path of destroying all that stuff,

As terrifying as it is,

Maybe that's almost the first step to,

It's like Shiva energy,

Right?

It's like having to crash that stuff down to really say,

Yeah,

Good enough,

Right?

I use a little doom and gloom.

Doom and gloom?

Yeah,

I mean,

I think you can feel good enough and still want to learn and want to be better and they can be things that you think are fun and you're passionate about it.

I think it's important to have something you want to learn and want to get better at without feeling like you're pushing yourself or feeling like you don't think you're good enough and that's why you need to get better.

I don't look at it like that,

But I do think a lot about what you're saying because I think about retiring at some point and what's going to make you pull the trigger to do,

To actually do it because I really like my job but I don't need to work.

I think the question comes up,

What useful thing are you going to do with yourself even if it's just useful to me but at some point I'm not going to sit around and read books all day.

I want to have something else,

Like a better photography.

I don't know,

Whatever moves me but I'm always trying to think about what are those things I want to get better at so I have a purpose or to find one charity that you really want to get into and do something useful with.

I don't look at it as just to yourself,

I just want to get better.

Well what you're talking about is actually more heart based.

It seems like you're starting from the place of asking what do I want,

What feels good to me.

So yeah,

You're right,

That's fine,

Exactly,

That is the way forward,

Is to really ask yourself honestly what feels good to me versus doing something because you think you should.

I think the word should,

That's the biggest violence we enact on ourselves on a daily basis is the word should.

So who wants to meditate?

Pretty good.

I'd like to get better at that.

I think the point is that everybody has goals in life.

You can't live with life alone.

I think the self love and the affectionate in yourself.

So if you have these goals and you don't achieve them,

Give yourself a break.

So what?

That's not being so critical,

Judge yourself,

Say you're not good enough,

I didn't get this goal.

Just sort of accept the mood,

I guess forgive yourself,

That's part of the self love.

That's how I'm starting to think how I can wrap it into the daily life of a job,

Setting goals,

You have to do certain chores.

Sometimes you can't do what you set out to do,

But give yourself a break then it's okay.

And that also sounds like a nice middle way in terms of setting a direction for yourself or setting some kind of goal but also without the rigidity,

I guess you could say.

And also if you're not meeting it then you can really just drop in and say it's okay and not kind of beat yourself over the head with that failure.

So you guys ready to do our first sip?

Okay.