Understanding Emotional Intelligence: 5 Essential Categories

Explore the 5 core categories of emotional intelligence and their significance in promoting overall wellness. Learn how self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills can profoundly influence your emotional well-being and personal growth. Discover practical tools and techniques to enhance your emotional intelligence and cultivate a better understanding of yourself and others.

In this 4-week course, Nicole will share valuable mental health and wellness information on
Codependent Cycles
Emotional Intelligence
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Somatic Awareness

You will gain wellness tools and insight to integrate into your daily life, creating inner harmony and balance.

Transcript

I want to talk with you about emotional intelligence.

I'm just going to give you a little bit of some important highlights because I think it is really a great opportunity.

When you're gardening your soul in this way,

You're slowing down,

You're having time for awareness,

And what an opportunity to check in on your emotional intelligence,

Where you're at,

What you might want to weed out,

Or what you might want to plant and really start to blossom and grow.

As we blossom and grow our emotional intelligence and awareness,

You might really see how much this impacts us.

Our level and connection with our emotional intelligence not only impacts how we're moving through our day,

How we are digesting our experience in the day,

How we are making decisions,

Our belief systems even,

But also how we're engaging with everything around us,

The environment,

The situations,

And the people.

So the more that we understand,

The more intelligent we can become,

And that has to do with emotional intelligence as well.

There are five different categories of emotional intelligence.

I'm going to break them each down and where we can really see lots of opportunities to grow the areas that we may think are a bit depleted or just need weeded out and have some new seeds put in.

When you're thinking about self-awareness,

Self-awareness can mean lots of different things,

And in all those different things,

They have to do with emotional intelligence.

Self-awareness is beyond just emotion and the awareness of emotion.

It's about the whole experience of the emotion.

It has to do with our ability to not only identify our emotions,

All of them,

But also use them in an effective way.

Use them in a way of understanding and the vast array of emotions we have,

But also sitting within the emotion,

Experiencing the emotion.

That's what leads to understanding.

It's what leads to greater awareness.

A lot of times we'll kind of bop around and we might not really truly be sitting in the awareness of our emotions,

The experience,

And how we're feeling within that experience.

We can start to notice if we are becoming the witness.

We're really witnessing our emotions.

We're being in the experience.

A lot of times with our emotions,

We might try to dip away,

Like,

I kind of had enough of that or I don't really want to experience that.

So we get to know when we're identifying and understanding our emotions.

We also get to know if we're witnessing them and going through the experience,

If we're in the body with the emotions.

But we also get to understand in this awareness how these emotions interact with ourself and everything around us,

That digestion,

Like how we're digesting.

And if we're not aware of our emotions,

Then you're going to hear how this builds up and how it really kind of makes the other ones way challenging.

So self-awareness is really important.

And the more we sit with self,

The more we try to understand,

Have compassion towards our own emotional experience,

And use our emotions,

The more it helps us in the other categories I'm going to share with you as well.

So that was the first one,

Self-awareness.

Self-regulation is number two.

This might also be easy to remember if you think of it in terms of emotion regulation.

How are we regulating ourselves?

Emotions all are important.

And remembering with that self-awareness part,

The words using effectively.

All emotions are important,

But if we climb the ladder of emotion and we get all the way to the tippy top,

It's really hard to use it effectively.

Anger is an important emotion.

If we're climbing the ladder all the way up,

We're in rage.

Really not an effective way to have our needs met,

To have understanding if we're in rage.

There's other levels of anger below that that can be really effective still in having an understanding of where we're at,

Our experience,

And how to create change.

Anger is an emotion that is important,

But we want to use like really selectively because a lot of times we're jumping over anger when it's really not even anger.

But it is important and it's again another emotion of example of how it can really discombobulate or create other hardship in our life if we're really climbing the ladder.

If you think of anxiety and how anxiety can be really effective,

It's something that we need in life.

It keeps us alert when we need it to be alert,

But we don't have to stay in anxious body all the time.

It's an effective method to bring in or have a bit of anxiety if we have to maybe go to a job interview or give a presentation.

Maybe for some people,

Anxiety can be helpful in that.

But if we climb up the ladder too far,

We can get forgetful.

Also,

We might get into even like an anxiety attack or panic attack.

That's where the whole body starts engaging and participating in a way that's non-effective.

It might,

You know,

With anxiety attacks or panic attacks,

We have a whole system where our blood pressure is going up.

We could even get dizzy.

We could get into real illusionary mind.

And even sometimes people get into catastrophic thinking where because everything's activated so quickly,

They think that they might be having a heart attack or they're going to pass out kind of thing.

Ladder,

Anxiety important.

But if we go all the way up the ladder,

Effectiveness diminishes and it becomes more of a challenge.

And it also will slow down our thinking and processing.

It almost can get us into like a tunnel vision of how to respond.

If you've heard of people saying they kind of black out or blank out when they get into rage or anger,

Or they will have a panic attack or anxiety attack and not remember it,

But also not remember what to do in the moment.

Like it doesn't,

Everything feels foggy,

Fuzzy,

Almost non-real.

Because if we get into high levels,

We can almost like feel like we detach from ourselves and that's not going to help us stay in the body.

One of the key elements of this self-regulation or emotion regulation is about staying in the body,

Staying in our experience,

Not trying to escape it.

You know,

Even like addictions can run rampant because of a lack of awareness around emotion,

But also our ability to sit with the emotion to regulate.

So we want to escape the body.

We want to get out of it.

In the body is where the grounding is.

It's where we can really stay aware in the experience,

But also it will reduce our fear.

It lets us get into more of a reflection versus a reaction.

Reactionary mode can often be fear-based.

So when we're slowing down and we have this number one area of self-awareness that we're working on,

The number two area of self-regulation,

It's letting us have practice in it,

In the awareness,

Which leads to more success as an outcome.

And as we start to work on self-regulation or emotion regulation,

It will also lead to increased confidence.

If you think about situations,

It could be an actual event,

Or it might even be a conversation,

And the afters,

How we process the afters,

And this confidence part of things,

You might notice how if you had reflection moments and you went through an experience or conversation,

That in the past it might have led to high elevation for you emotionally.

You might have been more into that reaction mode versus reflection mode,

Or you might have said things that were hurtful or harmful to self or others.

And then the afters,

Like shame and guilt and just a lot of other emotions that come with it when we're in that reaction cycle versus when we have a bit of slowdown,

When we have this emotional intelligence that we're going over today,

It builds confidence because we're regulating.

We start to notice how that feels,

Like,

Wow,

I went through a conversation that was really difficult,

But I didn't,

Like,

Lose my temper.

I didn't react out of anger.

I wasn't passive-aggressive.

I was able to talk about what I was experiencing without an expectation or a need for the other person to give me something in return.

So all these ways that it starts to to build this confidence when we have emotional intelligence,

We're reacting,

Responding in a way that's more reflective.

It's bringing in wise mind.

It's balancing our intellectual part of ourselves and our emotional part of ourselves.

And when we blend the two,

That's where we get into wise mind.

The third is about motivation.

Motivation is something that we want to try our best to first build for internal purposes and desire.

If you think about addictions,

And a reminder,

Addictions can be addictions to anything,

Not just substances.

We can be addicted to food,

Shopping,

Gambling,

Sex,

Our phones,

Social media,

The list goes on and on.

It's about escapism.

How do I get away from the now and my experience?

Often,

How do I get away from my emotion?

And if you think about that,

Motivation externally to stop an addiction is usually not very successful.

We can have external support systems and motivators,

But the true motivation to change behavior and bad habit is in self.

And so when you're thinking about emotional intelligence,

It's the same thing.

What are your internal motivators to want to have emotional intelligence?

What will it bring in you?

What will it open in your own heart space of connection and self?

What will it do to help you digest the world around you and your life?

Think of all the ways,

All the different areas of life that this taps into,

And the more balanced we are here,

It can create such a change in our life.

So what are your motivations?

And then once you bloom them,

Then you can also reflect on what is beyond just my internal motivation,

You know,

My relationships with others,

Maybe how I'm showing up in the world,

My dedication to community,

Maybe I can show up and volunteer in a different way as my motivation internally is so filled,

Because I am trying to create this for self,

The motivations in self,

And then the motivations beyond self.

Remembering it's all one,

We are within ourselves,

Still connected with everything outside of ourself.

You first want to really have this internal self reflection,

Because you are with you no matter where you go,

At all times you're there,

Even if you try to get away from yourself,

You can.

So try to have motivation there first.

Four,

It's about empathy.

Our empathy can change and fluctuate through life in terms of the connection we have and the experience that we are within it.

It's a reminder you don't have to collect other people's emotions to be empathetic.

You can still sit with their emotions,

Have compassion and understanding and sympathy,

Hold space for them,

Validate their emotions,

But you don't have to take on the emotion.

Sometimes people get into almost like a mirroring of the emotions of those around them,

Especially in relationships.

It's like,

Oh,

If my partner is sad,

I am sad.

If my partner's happy,

Well,

I am happy.

You can sit with the sadness of your partner,

Validate them,

Hold the emotion with them,

But you don't have to move through your rest of your day with that.

Then we put on that cap or glasses that make us on the lookout for our own life of like,

What do I need to be upset about in my own life?

Or what do I need to be anxious about?

Because we're like trying to stay almost in the same emotion as them.

And we can have empathy and not have to mirror the emotion in terms of collecting it.

Empathy is about how we understand and experience and sit with the emotions of others and understand how they are experiencing life,

Not how we experience life,

Not how we would experience the situation that they're going through,

Not our beliefs around it.

How is it for the other person?

Putting yourself in their shoes.

Again,

Not having to take it on as your emotion to understand and experience the emotion.

And I know that can sound kind of a little bit strange because I'm using the word experience,

Right?

And it's like,

And I'm saying don't experience.

It's about not collecting it so deeply that you're owning it as your own.

You're acknowledging and understanding what,

So if someone is sharing sadness with me,

I have the understanding of what sadness feels like for me in my own individual experience,

Which lets me then understand what sadness might be like for someone else.

It's going to be different for them.

They're going to have their own experience around it,

But I know what sadness is.

I know what anxiety is because I let myself,

That number one,

The self-awareness,

I let myself experience all of my emotions sitting with them,

Knowing what my body changes and feels like in all the different emotions.

Every emotion is different in our body,

Even from an energetic standpoint,

Not to get off track here,

But in the energetic body,

You can see and feel how each emotion actually activates and lies in a different part of the body.

Acupuncturists are great at that.

They could take your pulse if you've ever been to an acupuncturist,

But in case you haven't,

They will take your pulse.

I say like,

Because I don't even know.

I guess it's still called just your pulse,

But maybe they have other words for it,

But they could tell you all these different things going on in your body.

In terms of the language I am familiar with,

It's called bioki.

Bioki is the energy in our body that is stagnant,

Would be one example.

They could tell you,

Or they could tell you if you're experiencing joy,

They could tell you if you're having stuff with your gallbladder or grief in your heart,

All kinds of things by tapping into your pulse.

That is just a little side thing about how our body can really hold on and experience emotions and in self-awareness when we're tapping into that.

That helps us with empathy.

It helps us to be with other people in their experience.

Actually,

Empathy is activated in all these different areas of our brain,

Not all these different,

I should clarify that,

A few very select.

There's even one area in one specific part of our brain that is very,

Very empathy specific.

There was a doctor or researcher in New York,

And I can't remember his name or the specific research.

I don't want to talk much about it.

He was able to really hone in,

And then I think more research expanded beyond that to show us that there was this certain part of our brain that is the empathy center,

And then our amygdala is involved in a couple other things.

But we can train our brain to turn up the volume or turn down the volume if we're collecting too much.

Think of a continuum.

If we're all the way down here and we're not connected to empathy,

That might make us have some traits,

Qualities that really aren't conducive to harmonious relationships with self or others.

If we're all the way over here,

That might get us into that codependent loop.

It might get us into people-pleasing behaviors,

Which I'm going to talk about when I talk about interpersonal effectiveness next week.

But the continuum,

We want to be around here.

Here,

Not so much.

Here,

Not so much.

In the middle is that sweet spot,

But we can train ourselves to get into the middle ground.

I work with veterans in terms of my work with clients,

And sometimes when they start work with me,

They really don't feel at all connected with their empathy center.

We'll just call it that for purposes of this course,

The empathy center in their brain.

Also,

Individuals who might be .

.

.

I don't like diagnosing people.

I will tell you that I'm a therapist.

I have to for insurance purposes and things like that.

Diagnostic criteria can help in helping us understand maybe different treatment models,

But I see things more as just loops of patterns and behaviors that we're in that we might have found super effective at some point in our life.

Then they become habitual ways that we subconsciously or unconsciously live through life.

If we slow down,

We can rework and rewire all of that.

I say that to say that some people who might meet diagnostic criteria,

People are diagnosed with this or not with this,

But who would meet maybe certain qualities or characteristics that would put them into the category of narcissistic type behaviors or interactions,

Where they don't seem to care much or have much connection to the experience of someone else's experience.

In both of those situations,

That situation there with more of those qualities,

Oftentimes it's stuff in self that they're working on,

Confidence that they really don't have,

So it's an external shield.

Those behaviors might have been super effective when they were a child and not having needs met or other things.

I want to,

Again,

Get off topic here.

Those same behaviors that are maladjusted or not really effective now in life might have been effective as a child or a young teenager,

And then it just becomes like a subconscious way of being until we slow down.

When I'm working with veterans,

Same thing.

They will come in oftentimes not feeling connected to empathy,

But it's often.

.

.

I mean,

They've had to go through a lot of programming to be able to do what they do in military experiences.

They can't really maybe have a large connection there when they're in situations that are really difficult.

I have my own feelings about war,

So I'm not going to talk about that here,

But the preparation for such things,

They have to prepare in a way that really disconnects that.

We work on reconnecting it,

And absolutely,

You could do that.

It's there.

It's highways.

Neuroplasticity is real.

Remember,

We can rebuild the highways.

We can take things out of construction and start using those pathways.

It just takes a bit of time.

A quick example,

If you're one who's feeling a bit disconnected from empathy,

You can do a brief meditation experience of a situation or event that you might come across and how you would feel about a specific environment or situation.

You want to try to take all your senses in so you can kind of be there when you're doing empathy training to do any type of actual neural network,

Reconditioning,

Or retraining.

You want to try to bring all senses in.

If you slow down a bit and you took in that scene,

What would it feel like?

Sometimes,

We have to go through this a couple times,

And we go really slow.

We talk about what would that person's experience maybe be like?

What do you think their day might have looked like?

What do you think they're feeling in that moment,

The worry that they might have,

The fears they might be in,

And how hard it must be using all five senses?

I feel the need to specify here.

We don't want to try to get into assumption mode in our everyday life.

We don't want to try to live life like,

What are they thinking?

How are they feeling?

What are they doing?

When we're making assumptions,

That's based off our perception and our beliefs.

When we're doing certain training within systems in the body,

Like empathy training,

If we don't feel connected,

It's a way to train the body because we're tapping into our own stuff there when we're talking about what that person's experience might be like.

That's a little side note on how you might build some empathy if you're feeling a bit disconnected from it.

Empathy is about how we can understand and how in that understanding,

We can hold space for them,

How we can be there without our own stuff interfering.

The fifth,

Social awareness.

This is tying in all the previous four.

When we have social awareness,

We have our own self-awareness,

But we also have the ability to regulate.

We also then have motivation to do so,

And we have empathy to be able to show up in a way to have the awareness within social interaction.

It's blending all of it to get us into this place of emotional intelligence.

When we're blending them all and we have social awareness,

We're able to pick up on social cues.

We're able to see and understand what is happening around us,

Not by getting into that assumption stuff that I just talked about a moment ago,

But it's about being fully present in the experience that you're in in the moment,

Which allows us then to engage in a very socially aware way,

Picking up the social cues,

But also being able to know how we are verbally and non-verbally interacting with others and how they are verbally and non-verbally interacting with us.

Where our awareness is impacts how we're interacting with ourselves in these situations socially,

But also how we're interacting with those around us.

This blend comes together because in the social awareness part,

When we're bringing in the other four with us,

It's going to then lead to determining how we're holding space in that situation.

Are we actively listening or do we show up with our own agenda?

Are we carrying around a backpack?

Another episode I'll put down in the link there,

But are we carrying around our own backpack and then we show up in social situations and we're pulling out all these bricks,

All these things,

All these fire starters almost that aren't about the now.

They're not about the current situation that we're in,

But they will impact it and affect it.

So in the social awareness,

We're aware how we're showing up.

We're aware how we're impacting those around us.

We're aware if we are bringing backpacks into a social event that will then determine how we're showing up.

We show up with an agenda or expectations,

And then we miss all the other stuff with social awareness.

Those are your five categories and how those categories can interact or kind of mesh together,

Build upon each other,

And the ways that when we notice how they build,

We can notice really how it impacts ourselves,

But also how we're moving through our day.

The theme really is about being with yourself.

If you think about and you hear all these things,

You could see how the overarching theme of it is being with you.

The more you understand you,

The more you're with you and understand and experience your emotions.

That's what's going to allow everything else to blossom and grow as well.

Everything is connected in self and with others.

So the more you sit with self and you get to see your connection,

The more you get to see and experience all around you in a way that's balanced and that you're not,

Again,

Having to collect and own everyone else's stuff.

I hope you found that helpful.

Thank you so much,

My friends.