Serenity Wellness Podcast E23: The Gift Of Presence

We can get ourselves looped into unhealthy connections with others and not realize the impact it has on our mental health, emotions, and connection to our genuine self. Learn more about unhealthy attachments and codependency patterns. Gain an understanding of what codependency looks like, how it impacts your well being, and some tools to create healthy connections with self and others.

Transcript

Hello,

Welcome to Serenity Wellness Podcast.

My name is Nicole White and I'll be your host.

This podcast is dedicated to helping you tap into your full potential of how you can heal and balance your mental,

Emotional,

And physical wellbeing.

Together let's explore inner self,

Connect to our strength,

And manifest your true nature,

One full of love,

Purpose,

And passion.

Welcome to episode 23,

The gift of presence.

As always,

Thank you for continuing on this journey with me and your ongoing feedback and support and sharing this with others.

I love what I do with therapy and energy work and also teaching.

I just taught Reiki one and two this past weekend and I always love all the different classes I teach.

But there was a really great awareness also that came through for me this weekend in this experience with students that I will share at the end of today's episode.

It doesn't have to do with today's topic.

It has to do with stuff I'll talk about in the future in different episodes,

But it's not about today's topic so I'll save that to the end in case it's something you're not interested in hearing.

That way you don't have to sit through it.

But I love all that stuff I do and I just want to also say thank you,

Natasha in New York,

For your beautiful message letting me know that I've also inspired you.

It just really means a lot and brings tears of joy to know that.

And I wish you all the best in returning to college in September and exploring psychology.

I'm excited to hear what that brings for you in your own life.

And Kathy in Alabama,

Thanks for sharing that you found that Dear Man technique in the Pushy People episode helpful.

It's just such a great communication technique that helps us in just everyday communication but also when we're trying to work through some communication with people who might not be the easiest to communicate with.

So thank you,

Kathy,

For sharing that you found that helpful as well.

And I also want to thank all of you for your patience with me on trying to get this in a consistent schedule.

I really am trying my best to have this out every Wednesday but I've also been juggling a lot working on putting together my first retreat so I'm really excited about that.

I'll be announcing that date here very soon.

But I'm putting together that and I'm working on those online courses that should be launched here soon as well as some other cool features on the new website.

And then also putting together and coordinating a new service that we're going to be bringing to Serenity.

So there's just been a lot going on and some things in my personal life that have been also working through so thank you.

I really appreciate your patience in that and again I'm working on my schedule and trying to get this organized so that they are out to you every Wednesday.

I know that that's important for a lot of you so thank you for your patience in that.

With today,

So today episode 23,

The gift of presence,

We've been talking about relationship dynamics in many different ways,

Patterns as far as self and others.

And today we're going to talk about an unhealthy relationship pattern called codependency.

We're going to talk a bit about how what it looks like,

How we get into this pattern and the effects it can have on our well-being and relationships with others.

And then I'm going to share with you some tools to create a healthy connection with yourself and the people that you have relationships with in your life.

This codependency dynamic can be with a family member,

A partner,

A friend.

It's often more with people we're close with but we can often also get in this with people that maybe we're not as close with.

It's this codependent nature and pattern we can get stuck in.

And what happens with codependency is we begin to have our emotions and needs enmeshed with others.

We can have a hard time separating others' emotions and needs from ourself.

We can often put our own needs and emotions on the back burner or repress them.

As I talked about before,

We can sometimes get so deep into putting our own emotions on the back burner that we don't even realize we're doing it.

We don't even tap in and pay attention to what our needs are and what we want.

We will often in this codependent dynamic take on the responsibility of fixing the emotions and behaviors of others.

We will give them lots of solutions,

Ideas,

And we'll also have an attachment to the outcome of that.

We will get in a pattern of minimizing unacceptable behavior or we'll just altogether not even talk about it,

Which can often then lead to staying in abusive and toxic relationship dynamics because there begins to be this dependency on the relationship,

A feeling of needing to be needed and a need for acceptance and approval from that person.

So we will often just kind of walk away from trying to talk through or we become just acceptable of this unacceptable behavior and treatment that we are receiving from others around us.

We can often have difficulty setting boundaries due to fear of abandonment.

And this can get us into this ongoing pattern and cycle that we can often find that we are stuck in and looped in and maybe not even aware of.

This can be looked at like a triangle.

It's you know,

Consider this the drama triangle.

This drama triangle down in the lower left corner,

You would become the caregiver.

So in this example,

I'm going to use the example of someone who in your life,

Someone who is struggling with an addiction.

It doesn't have to be just addiction to alcohol and drugs.

That's often our go-to when we think of addiction,

But addiction can look and be a lot of different things.

We can be addicted to food,

Overeating,

A way to emotionally kind of numb,

Or anorexia and bulimia are also a form of addictive behavior.

We can be addicted to gambling,

Sex or porn,

Shopping.

So there are a lot of different forms of addiction.

So in this example,

It would be,

You know,

In this example I'm going to provide,

You're trying to work through something with someone in your life who's struggling with some form of addiction.

So down in this triangle in the lower left is the caregiver.

So you become the caregiver and you start offering all of these solutions,

Ways to fix it.

You're kind of entangled with their emotions.

They're feeling anxious.

You're feeling anxious.

They're feeling sad.

You're feeling sad.

If they're having a great day,

You're having a great day.

So this entanglement and difficulty separating self from them,

And then you move into this I need to fix it.

So again,

This could be coming from a place of loving kindness.

Maybe you want to fix it because you have some great solutions,

Or you're also potentially trying to fix it because you're trying to help them not get into more of a catastrophe or crisis.

So you offer these solutions and ways to fix it.

You know,

Here's a doctor,

Here's a therapist,

Here's a support group,

Here's this person here.

They've been through it and they have some ideas for you.

Here's this agency that you can call who has some different networks of funding that might be able to help you get back on track.

So you give them all these ideas and these ways to fix it down in this caregiver role.

Again,

Often enmeshed with their emotions as well.

And then the person tends to,

You know,

At times not want our advice.

They don't want to follow any of that,

And they haven't asked for advice either.

So we'll give it and then they don't follow through,

And then we move up the triangle and at the tip we become the prosecutor.

We become angry and resentful,

The why questions.

Why can't they just do this?

They should,

They could.

It will help them maybe not lose their job down the line or it will help them to get out of the financial distress and get back on their feet so they don't lose their home.

It will help them so that they can have a better relationship with others because,

You know,

This behavior is sabotaging the relationships and connections around them.

So again,

Coming from a place of goodness and kindness and loving kindness and trying to offer this,

But this cycle and this pattern is a pattern of dependency and unhealthiness.

So you move up to prosecutor and now you're angry and resentful because if they would,

Should,

Or could,

Or why don't they,

Then it would help them in some way.

And then you move down and in that lower right corner of the triangle,

You become the victim.

This is where we become sad.

Can't they just see I love them?

This is coming from a place of care.

I'm just trying to help them avoid something much larger in their life.

So we become sad and become the victim because why can't they just listen?

It's coming from a place of help.

And then we move back over to the caregiver role.

So you can see in this middle then of the triangle is this loop of emotion and mental exhaustion,

Physical exhaustion on the whole body system,

This entanglement,

This responsibility and attachment for someone else's stuff.

You can't solve everyone else's stuff.

People have to work through their own and it doesn't mean that you should compromise yourself in order to give them the space to do that.

Taking on this accountability and responsibility and enmeshment,

Often accepting unacceptable behavior dynamics and relationships.

The effect that this can have is it can diminish and demolish our self-worth.

We become dependent on others around us for how we feel and find no separation of self.

And as I mentioned,

Accept unacceptable behavior.

It can often then lead to our own sabotage of relationships and sometimes even our career and responsibilities we have in our life because we become so dependent and enmeshed with this other individual that we forget who we are and what our needs,

Wants and responsibilities in life are.

Often putting those things aside and on the back burner in order to try to meet the needs or try to fix this situation for the other person.

We can get into this pattern of codependent connections often due to family relationship dynamics when we were growing up or relationship patterns in early adolescence.

In our family situations,

We can often get into this codependent nature if we were raised in dysfunctional home environments where there were addictions,

Where there was mental health crises or abusive behavior.

And with this,

We begin to,

In this early developmental phase of life,

We begin to kind of take on this role and idea in our own mind that our needs and our wants are less important and we put them on the back burner.

We get into a crisis cycle in our family cycle.

And then we often can get into this idea of,

Again,

Like our parents' needs are more important than our own.

We can get into a parentified role or a caregiver role of our parents or if we have a parent or caregiver in any of those things,

That addiction,

A mental health crisis or an abusive parent and you have siblings,

You might also have taken on this caregiver role there as well.

So we have these family relationship dynamics and then it creates these patterns,

But also it creates this imprinting in the body system.

And I'll talk more about that in future episodes when we get into energy and storage of emotional imprinting in the body,

But it creates this imprinting cycle in the body.

And we talked a little bit about this too in the dysfunctional relationships episode,

And we end up then seeking out the same types of feelings and emotional responses in our body system in other relationships until we become aware and we heal this.

It's like this automatic imprinting,

This magnetic kind of pull that pulls us into something that's toxic and unhealthy.

And maybe we don't even cognitively want to be a part of it,

But suddenly there we are.

And we're right back in this entangled triangle of dysfunction and unhealthiness.

So with this,

Here's some tools that you can bring in to help you undo this pattern and bring more of a gift of presence,

A gift of presence for self and for others.

The base of most things,

As I've talked about in a couple of different episodes is mindfulness.

We want to be mindfully aware of how we're living and how we're connecting.

The more we are mindfully present in that awareness,

The more we can have healthiness because we recognize patterns then,

And only when we recognize can we change.

So just the act of mindfulness itself.

And you can listen to that intro to mindfulness and the episode that's right after that,

I can't think of the name right now,

To give you some added tools in just that everyday mindfulness if that's something that could be useful for you.

This gift of presence and mindful awareness then allows us to have conscious connections in your relationships with others.

It allows us to get into more of the active listening role.

You can check out that communicate to listen episode.

It talks about active listening as well as the intro to mindfulness,

But it lets us get into active listening role.

And we then begin to listen with curiosity and not to try to fix it.

If the person asks for advice,

That's great.

You can give them advice with non-attachment to the outcome or an expectation that they follow through.

But in this gift of presence,

We're listening more with curiosity and not trying to ultimately fix the problem for them.

When we're listening to fix,

We're not listening.

You are not actively listening if you're listening to someone talking to you and you and your brain are thinking of what solution you're going to give them or how to fix it.

That is not active listening.

You can't be having a conversation in your brain and having a conversation with someone else at the same time.

You might be ping-ponging back and forth,

But you cannot listen actively and fully to someone and give them the gift of presence when you're trying to also be present in your own mind.

So listening with curiosity and not to fix it.

Responding and not reacting.

Allowing yourself to be aware and mindful that your interpretation of situations is through your own lens,

Like we've talked about in that episode of What's Your Lens?

So we interpret a few things and get into solution-focused dynamics because of,

Again,

Some imprinting in our own body cycle and also the lens that we use to look at life through.

We can also be mindful of our boundaries.

We talked about that in dysfunctional relationships.

Boundaries are not selfish and pushy people.

Boundaries are very important in having healthy boundaries and being mindful of what that is in your life is,

Again,

An added tool of great benefit when you're trying to get out of a codependent dynamic.

Allowing yourself individuality and support.

When we are in this unhealthy attachment dynamic,

We can often lose sense of self.

You might find that you've given up on passions and things that you desire doing because you're so entangled in this relationship.

You're so dependent upon it that you fear losing it,

That you give up kind of everything to engage fully every bit of your energy to try to stay attached here.

So allowing for individuality.

The healthiest of relationships are when both individuals are healthy within themselves and have individual aspects of their own life.

Any type of dependent and high attachment in a relationship will ultimately create destruction and dysfunction.

So both individuals having a healthy individuality and then the compliments of the partnership helps to build that greater.

It is not dependent upon it.

Having own self-worth.

I know it's cliche,

That idea of you have to love yourself to love someone else.

And you know,

Sometimes we even can struggle in our day-to-day life with really truly loving ourselves if we get into a hardship or a hard time or just feeling down that day.

But having a base of self-love,

Self-worth,

And self-compassion as an understanding of individuality and that it is not dependent upon others is where you're going to have the healthiest of boundaries and the healthiest connection because then you're giving people your true genuine self without an expectation that they bring something to make you find that.

They are supporting and building but not making you have it.

You already have it in you.

And then lastly,

Another tool is holding space.

Holding space is this beautiful gift of presence when we are fully present in non-judgment physically,

Mentally,

And emotionally without expectation or attachment.

We're witnessing and observing and not trying to take the person on our path or where we think they should go.

We're not listening to solve.

Again,

If you're trying to have a conversation in your own brain when you're listening,

You're not actively listening.

We are trying to embrace the moment with full intention,

Attention,

And energy.

We're allowing ourselves to validate the emotion and the suffering the person is sharing with us,

Stating things like,

That must have been really difficult for you,

Or I can understand how that situation created such an anxious response of so much fear,

Or is there anything I can do to support you?

So validating and not trying to fix.

When we get right into fixer mode,

We're not really validating the experience either or the emotion the person's trying to share with us.

We're kind of trying to take them away from it almost.

As a therapist,

I don't ever hand my clients tissues.

There's tissues in my office,

But the act of handing someone a tissue can also signify that we want them to stop crying,

For example.

So holding space is just being fully present,

Allowing yourself to be there with that person,

Non-judgmentally,

Without expectation or attachment to the outcome.

So those are some tools to help you if you find yourself or someone around you in this codependent attachment cycle.

And again,

Being mindfully compassionate towards yourself if you do find you're in that cycle,

Letting yourself get support as well.

Maybe even getting linked up with a therapist if you find that you're really deep in there and need some added tools and support to help you.

So there's lots of different ways that you can help yourself as well as change these patterns or dynamics that maybe you've been stuck in.

The codependent nature of attachment,

As I mentioned,

Is often also interlinked when we have been raised in addictive homes.

And so an Al-Anon support group might be something also that you could find helpful because it talks a lot about the separation of self and responsibility for everyone else's stuff.

It doesn't mean we don't care and have loving kindness for the suffering of others,

But we are us and they are them and we have to have a separation from ourself and those around us.

Emeshment is unhealthy.

So as always,

Thank you for taking the time to go through that with me.

I just want to take a moment now to share with you this awesome experience that came through this weekend and I'll keep it kind of short.

But I was teaching Reiki 1 and 2 this weekend and in the Reiki 1 at the beginning,

I talk just a little bit about my own self and my journey and what got me into energy work.

And I mentioned how I had lost my mom during the September 11th situation.

And then later in class,

You know,

During the second part of the class,

It was later in the afternoon,

We were talking about our energy and manifesting and this nature of our energy body and vibrational elevation and how as we raise our energy and our consciousness,

How we open space for further creation and connection to our true abilities and how,

You know,

Synchronicities begin to align and how we can find these amazing experiences of we put stuff out there and then it just like happens in front of us.

And so I was sharing when we were talking,

I was teaching about all that and then I was sharing about some of my own experiences and I was saying how some of these examples I provided in class,

These like extreme examples of manifesting and putting an intention out there and then like,

Bam,

Like suddenly there it transforms in front of me.

I had mentioned about how these more intense experiences always happen on a Tuesday.

And I was just like,

I don't know why.

And I gave you some examples,

But they always seem to be on a Tuesday.

And one of my students said,

Well,

I think the September 11th attacks were on a Tuesday the day I lost my mom.

And so we looked it up and yes,

They were on a Tuesday.

And it was just such an amazing awareness.

Even talking about it right now,

I can feel this beautiful,

Beautiful vibrational experience in my body.

It was just such an amazing experience.

I never connected the two things.

Like I know and have always been aware that I can connect with my mom's spiritual guidance anytime I need it.

When I suffered from mold toxicity,

That's how I connected my work environment was creating my illness is connecting in some meditations with my mom because the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.

And so that's actually how I found out what was happening to my health.

So I've always been aware that I can connect with my mom,

But this connection the students brought to my awareness of this,

Again,

Intense manifesting I have,

That's always on a Tuesday.

It's been like a running kind of joke with my close friends and I for the past couple of years that,

Yeah,

It was also the same day I lost my mom was on a Tuesday.

And so I just want to share that with you because it was just really something very profound for me.

So thank you as always for being with me today and part of this journey.

I really appreciate all the support and feedback that you're providing.

And I look forward to being able to launch some upcoming things I have coming your way to help you dive in as deep as you want to go with all this stuff we're talking about.

So thank you.

I really appreciate each and every one of you.

If you're interested in learning more,

You can check us out at serenitywellnesstools.

Com or serenitywellnescentre.

Com.

And please feel free to continue to send me feedback,

Questions,

Ideas.

You can send those right now to info at serenitywellnescentre.

Com and that's C-E-N-T-R-E.

And also you can follow us on Facebook and social media.

I post lots of stuff there as far as inspiration and different articles and things and our events.

So thank you everyone and have a beautiful day.

I look forward to talking with you again soon.

And as I mentioned,

Really doing my best to get this on a consistent schedule of Wednesdays.

So stay tuned.

Have a good one.

Bye.

Reviews

Thanks Nicole, a very helpful talk as I restart my journey towards healing from codependency. Looking forward to listening to more of your work. Namaste🙏

Thank you. I am just starting to understand that I suffer from codependency issues. I am feeling positive though because now it's identified I can work on it. Thanks for the thoughts and tools. Will sign up for the podcast. Xx

Hi Nicole. A year or so I ago I had an ah ha moment that I was indeed codependent. I always viewed the things I did and said with my son and his family as helpful. For years I felt abandoned and rejected by them and tried to do more for them until last year. It's been hard for me but I'm working hard to change the dynamics of our relationship. It's not ok how they treat me but now I'm ok with it. I've learned active listening and I'm not attached to the outcome of any advice I've given when requested. I will go visit a couple times a month now. I've stopped taking it personally when they don't answer a call or call me back or answer a text. I don't know what else I can do to reverse this situation. I'm an only child, my parents are in their 90's and my daughter lives in Oregon and us in SC. I see my daughter once or twice a year. I want to be close to my son and his family but I've run it off in the ditch and not sure of anything I do now.

I listened to several random talks then I started with #1 and I'm working my way through them all. Some I listened to several times before moving on because I wanted to make sure I got it!!

Thank you so much for your work and sharing it with people like me who really need it. I'm forever thankful!!

Thank you for explaining the triangle cycle of codependency. Looking back, I can see how often I would listen as a caregiver, offer unsolicited advice to fix a problem only to get upset when those I care for remain in a runt and then I become the misunderstood martyr.

I appreciate the awareness I now have after listening to you and I commit to be mindful from here on out.

Thanks again. Namaste.