Stop People Pleasing: Set Healthy Boundaries ~ E118

Learn how to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and regain control over your own happiness. Discover the powerful DEAR MAN communication tool to assertively set healthy boundaries and express yourself effectively. Don't let people-pleasing sabotage your boundaries, mental health, and self-care any longer!
I break this effective communication tool down and show you how to use it to Ask for a Raise at Work and How to Say No to a Persistent Friend.

Transcript

I'm going to talk with you about interpersonal effectiveness.

Interpersonal effectiveness is our relationship with our own morals and values and how we stay in alignment with that when we blend it with social awareness and boundaries.

Having a healthy area in both self as well as with others.

The information that has been talked about so far certainly has to do with interpersonal effectiveness.

I'm going to talk a little bit about a few other things and then give you a tool for today.

You want to think about it as putting ourselves on the back burner sometimes.

We will sometimes even forget to put ourselves on the stove.

I don't really know where that analogy came from but a lot of people are familiar with it so I'll use it.

But we will put ourselves on the back burner or forget that we even need to have any attention paid to and that can be for several different reasons.

Certainly for some of those reasons that we talked about in the codependency loop and also with the emotional intelligence areas but some other things can get in the way too of us paying attention to ourselves and our own needs.

Sometimes we might feel guilty about taking care of ourselves.

We might feel that we don't deserve it or that we are obligated somehow to say yes if we want to say no or to do things that we don't want to do or maybe even take on tasks that we just can't take on right now.

In the guilt category it sometimes falls into all of those different areas as well as a few others I'll talk about in just a moment but this obligation and guilt that we have can again put ourselves on the back burner or forget that we even have any needs have any wants or that we have a right to say no to things.

At times we might also be a little disconnected or diluted in our self-worth.

We might dilute the importance for self even though we will tell others to practice self-care to say no to have healthy boundaries.

When it comes to self we will often tell a different story almost read a different rule book when we want to say no and we say yes.

We might have some of this guilt or obligation.

We might also have a bit of fear or uncertainty around what the response will be back so there might be fear that the person will be upset with you or they might judge you or they might even come back with a little bit of a sandpapery type of response.

Sometimes we might even fear getting the silent treatment.

Sometimes you will just stop talking to you or things like that so there could be a lot of different fears around it or it could also be around guilt or obligation a fear of judgment and with some of these areas it could even factor into feeling unsafe and if you're feeling unsafe in a relationship please allow yourself to reach out for help.

There's a lot of help out there to assist you because sometimes fear of really getting a abrasive or an abusive reaction from someone might really keep us stuck in the inability to have healthy boundaries with others.

We might find that we aren't giving ourselves time to garden our soul.

We might even not know what we want or what we need because we're very busy doing and doing.

At times we can get into this role as a bit of a habit kind of how I talked about in the codependency loop for some people if they were raised in toxic environments or situations where a caregiver struggled with substance abuse or mental health.

Those individuals growing up in those environments are a little bit more prone to get into codependency loops.

When we have challenges with interpersonal relationships growing up we might also have a little bit more of a habit here that we create.

The thing is habits can be broken.

Think of how easily we create bad habits.

Well we can create good ones too.

We just have to be aware and we have to just start practicing what that looks like and what it means in terms of our connection and communication with others.

The tool today that I'm going to be talking with you about in just a moment you want to consider taking with you the information that you learned through the codependency loop as well as the emotional intelligence categories.

They all fit together and blend together to assist you to get back in tune with you and to make sure that you're caring for your own needs and not just overfilling everyone else and what does that do to you.

It's often a depleted cycle because sometimes when we do this also we don't really have a mindful connection or we will just kind of dismiss or diminish how full our plate already is and then we will overfill it and now we're even more stressed and we're more overwhelmed and it gets all jumbled up too but we keep in this habit we'll keep taking on more and we'll keep saying yes even though we know it's creating a lot more stress and a lot more overwhelm and with it we will at times even have a bit of like an angst towards the person that we're saying yes to.

Even though we could have said no we'll kind of get upset with them because we keep saying yes to everyone so just try to slow it down think about those categories and different examples and see what might sit with you.

The dear man technique can be very helpful in tons of different communication conversations that we get into.

The topics can vary even the personalities that we're talking with can vary so sometimes you might have to use this if you're talking with someone who uses a more passive aggressive or aggressive communication style for example but you also might want to use this if it's just a category or a topic that you have a little bit of anxiety about talking about you're not really used to saying no that you just notice that you're in a bit of a habit of saying yes a lot and it's overwhelming so this tool can be very useful in just overall communication.

Many of my clients use it for a multitude of different conversations they have to have or individuals in their life.

I'm going to pull up the tool I decided to actually do this so that you can see it I think it will help you to understand the information just a bit better.

This technique is called dear man with the dear man technique it is a technique that is used in dialectical behavior therapy to assist with interpersonal effectiveness skills.

The dear man acronym stands for describe,

Express,

Assert,

Reinforce,

Mindful,

Appear,

And negotiate.

So what does all of this mean and what does it have to do with interpersonal effectiveness?

When we have a bit of a challenge of holding in tune with self as we blend with others around us it can be hard sometimes to find our words and again to be able to say no or to be able to ask for the things that are important to us.

I'm going to go through the dear man technique here with you and I'm going to use two different examples.

The first example will be if you are wanting a raise.

Second example is if friends is asking you to go out a lot or hang out a lot and you're having a hard time saying no.

The D in dear man stands for describe.

When we're describing we want to just try to stick with the facts and have non-judgment.

It's not about holding with expectation or assumption we're just kind of presenting the factual information.

In the first example I have been working here for two years and I had positive yearly reviews but I have not received a raise.

And with the second example this is the third time this week you asked me to get together.

You could see how they're just factual there's no judgment there just stating the facts.

With express you're going to stick with your thoughts and emotions about the situation and just be clear also offering just a brief reason.

It's not about being overwordy just being clear and concise and remembering that the other person can't read your mind.

We want to be able to speak our truth in a way that can be understood without adding a bunch of extra but also we don't want to use what would be considered kind of passive-aggressive communication where we're fluffing around the point where we're adding all this extra instead of just being clear and concise with what we're trying to express.

So with the example of the raise the next sentence then would be I believe that my performance shows that I deserve a raise or with the friend I'm behind on things I have to get done it's hard for me to say no because I enjoy your company.

So you're expressing your thoughts and emotions you're going a little bit further than to just describe and adding a little bit of your inner personal thoughts and emotions around the situation.

With assert you're going to clearly assert your wishes ask for what you want and be again clear and concise.

I would like a raise can you offer me that or for the friend I have to say no tonight.

There's not a lot of extra around it it's just straight to the point and then the R in dear is reinforce.

You want to reward positive responses when you're expressing yourself or setting boundaries and someone is able to respect that and be actively listening you want to offer some rewards some positive words of encouragement and at times you might want to even offer this before the response is given.

You would just be speaking this straight through without any pauses letting them know what they're going to gain from this or you're not really giving them the chance to respond before you're actually thanking them.

So with the employer I will be a happier employee and even more productive if I get a salary that matches my value to the company and with the friend thanks for your understanding I really appreciate it.

You're letting the boss know how it's going to benefit not only you but the company if they're able to offer you that raise.

You're thanking the friend for understanding right after you say that you're not able to go or hang out.

You're concise direct but you're also not having expectation and assumption.

You're leaving a little bit of openness here but you're speaking your truth.

With the man M is mindful.

You want to try to keep your focus on the situation and maintain your position.

If you're going into the conversation and you're wanting a raise keep your position on wanting the raise.

If you're going into the conversation and you know that you cannot get together with your friend stick with the no.

Don't let yourself get distracted by another topic as well.

Sometimes this comes in because it can be tricky at times to have conversations with people who are maybe a little bit more repetitive I guess I will say in the way that they present the information or they could even be bullying in terms of how they communicate if they are told no.

There's two extra tools here you can use in this mindful awareness and approach.

The one is the broken record technique.

With the broken record technique you're simply stating the same thing over and over again.

You're not changing your words.

You're not changing your emotions.

You're just stating the same thing.

That can allow the focus to stay on the conversation at hand because sometimes when people don't get the response back that they maybe went into the conversation expecting so maybe they're going into it with an assumption and an expectation that you will just say yes all the time and then you say a no.

They can maybe come back over and over as well and just kind of present the question a different way and that would be the broken record technique.

Another one is ignoring distractions.

This is used when someone elevates the situation and maybe starts calling names or being disrespectful.

As much as we will want to address that no one you know wants to be spoken down to or disrespected or called names that is a distraction in the conversation so you actually want to ignore the distraction initially.

You can say things like we can get back to that after we're done speaking about this being disrespectful.

You can pause that and have that as another conversation about you know how you would like respect to be there in communication or you can end the conversation at that time if someone is elevating and say something like we could talk about this when it's a better time.

It seems like right now is not the right time to talk about this so you can end the conversation completely if it really starts escalating but if it's like look at that shiny thing kind of distraction you can ignore the distraction as well.

The A in man is a peer.

When we're communicating and we are working on setting healthy boundaries and having interpersonal effectiveness not overextending ourselves we want to also appear confident in our tone of voice confident in our non-verbals and our eye contact.

If non-verbally we are really closed off or we're fidgeting around a lot or with our tone it's going up and down or really quiet and whispering then it's not going to appear that we are confident in what we're trying to present ask for or say no to and if it's a saying no and there's wiggle room there sometimes people will really look for the wiggle room unfortunately.

So we want to appear confident because if someone feels that you're not really confident in your no then they may try to pull you in and use those distraction techniques or different ways to try to change your decision making.

Eye contact is another one and just important to be aware of different cultural dynamics with eye contact.

Not all cultures use eye contact in the same way.

For some cultures it's a little bit seen as a disrespect to stare into someone's eyes and eye contact in conversations depending on if it's an elder or a peer for example.

It's just one of many examples of cultural differences with eye contact to just be aware of that slight change there with eye contact but again we want to appear confident with eye contact.

We don't want to be looking down at the floor the whole time or looking away all the time.

We want to try to be looking directly at the person in a comfortable amount.

Again you're not like staring into their soul like my dogs like to stare into my soul sometimes.

You're not doing that but you're appearing confident in the tone of voice your non-verbals posturing and eye contact.

You want to make sure that you are understanding that difference between confidence versus arrogance.

We don't want to be over arrogant in the way that we're presenting ourselves but we do want to be confident in our decision making.

You also want to be mindful of not over apologizing or softening your response when we follow things with repeatedly saying I'm sorry or using words like just kind of thing.

We want to stay firm and confident and not diminish or dilute what we're trying to say in the conversation.

And then lastly with the N is negotiate.

We do want to be willing to have some compromise and also offer or ask for alternatives.

This isn't about moving your no to a yes.

You want to be able to maintain your no but you can also assist in problem solving.

Extra tool here is turn the table.

Turn the table is when we'll actually turn the problem over to the other person and ask them for alternative solutions.

For example with the desire for a raise.

Your boss says that there's not a possibility to get a raise right now.

Then the turning the table might be turning that back over to them and asking them for another solution.

Something along the lines of I understand that there is not currently the funding available to offer me the raise.

Do you have a solution or an idea of when that's going to change?

And that will start the conversation going.

With the friend when you say that you know I can't go tonight.

You can turn that back over to them again to assist with alternative solutions.

I am free next week or I am free in two weeks.

Is there a day or time that works for you?

So you're kind of working on negotiation compromise and problem solving while also continuing to stand firm in what it is you're trying to communicate about.

Dear man.

The dear man technique can be very helpful.

I will tell you that it does take practice.

Sometimes people will kind of write out a few examples like I did for the boss or the friend.

They will write out the situation that they're trying to talk through and come up with some ideas until you get some practice.

It's just oftentimes we're in a habit of how we talk and it can be hard to slow down in the moment and think things through.

Like oh what's the D?

What's the E?

The A?

Which is that?

Which A?

I don't know.

It can just be helpful to practice a bit and then you can practice by yourself.

You can practice writing it down but then you can also practice with individuals that you find you have a little bit more ease in having a conversation with and it could be about just a random topic.

So you're just practicing the technique.

How do I speak in a dear man way?

And then when it gets into a little bit of a sandpapery conversation or one that's maybe a little bit more challenging,

You'll have some practice there.

So that's the tool for today.

Just try to slow down and ask yourself am I gardening my soul or am I overwhelming myself by taking care of everyone else?

It's a really slippery slope that we can slide into pretty quickly and it becomes a habit and we don't even realize that we're kind of a bit overwhelmed and tired and losing track of ourself.

We are all worth self-care.

Self-care is vitally important to keep us going in a way that we are feeling in most harmony with ourself.

I hope this information helps you to find some time for your own gardening and making sure that you're just not depleting yourself or everyone else around you.

Thank you so much and I will talk to you soon.

Have a good one.

Reviews

What to say, when to say, how to say! So many variables when trying to communicate with others especially when you feel like it’s not communication at all!!
Stay on point is not always easy!!