Serenity Wellness Podcast E50: Holding Space

Holding Space is about creating an emotional container, a safe space, a place of comfortable vulnerability. A space for someone to express, process, and feel. We can vibrate out a flow of calmness that others can ride with us. Learn some areas to be mindful of when providing that container for expression.

Transcript

Hello,

Welcome to Serenity Wellness podcast.

My name is Nicole White and I'll be your host.

This podcast is dedicated to helping you tap into your full potential of how you can heal and balance your mental,

Emotional,

And physical wellbeing.

Together,

Let's explore inner self,

Connect with our strength,

And manifest your true nature.

One full of love,

Purpose,

And passion.

Welcome to episode 50,

Holding Space.

This is about creating an emotional container,

A safe space,

A place for comfortable vulnerability.

For various reasons,

As we've been exploring in episodes,

This might be scary and challenging for some people.

We might avoid our own emotions for various reasons.

Maybe we don't even know what emotions feel like what.

And being comfortably vulnerable can be really scary.

Even if we're good at holding space for others,

And we'll talk more about what that means,

But even we might be really good at it.

But the idea of us allowing ourselves to be comfortably vulnerable with another person might not be so easy.

As a therapist,

I'm pretty good at holding space for other people.

But I'm not that good at being comfortably vulnerable myself with others.

I'm aware and recognize it,

But it's for several factors.

I have complex PTSD,

So that certainly carries into that.

But also this other part of past experiences where I've tried to be comfortably vulnerable and did it with maybe someone who wasn't able to hold that space.

No judgment or anything towards that situation,

But maybe they also have high emotion reaction.

And that was some of my experiences in the past with family members.

So it did earlier imprinting for me where it just kind of makes it a little challenging.

I'm working on it,

But just the awareness and we can be good at doing it for others and we might notice fears rise up for us when we want to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with someone else.

This openness and opening up ourselves and our heart space involves trust.

Trusting that they will hold the information that we're going to share,

But also that they will be able to in a supportive and non-judgmental way,

Be an active listener,

That they'll know what to do with the emotions.

Being mindful,

Again,

If they have a high emotional reaction cycle themselves,

They might not be the best option in the moment to process heavy emotions.

We can also going into a situation,

Allow the other person to know what we're hoping for.

Stating something like,

I just really need to talk this through.

Would you mind listening?

Or if we know,

You know,

In partnerships,

We might know habits of our partner where they like to be the fixer,

Maybe because,

You know,

They have lots of ideas or experiences.

It's usually coming from a good place in their heart,

But that's not what we're looking for if we're looking for someone to hold space.

So we can also state that before going into the discussion.

Stating like,

I know you often have some really great suggestions and ideas.

With this,

I just really kind of need to get it off my chest and be heard.

So just kind of setting the stage for what it is that we're looking for in a conversation can be very helpful with this holding space concept.

It's about allowing someone else to express,

Process,

And feel,

Providing that container for expression.

One way we can do this is in meditation.

We can meditate with a friend or family member and that collective energy of stillness is a way to hold space.

It allows more comfort in that for the other person as well.

This effect is pretty profound in group meditation.

There's a lot I want to talk about in terms of conscious connection and the collective energy in meditation.

It's on my long list of episodes on my whiteboard that I'm staring at right now.

But for this episode,

I'm just going to kind of pluck out this one piece.

In group meditation,

This collective energy of holding space is pretty profound in the effects it can have for others.

I ran a meditation on Tuesday at Serenity and at the beginning,

We just talked a little bit to get a feel of where everyone's at and what they're hoping for in the experience.

The meditation drop-in was going to be 40 minutes.

Some people expressed that that was kind of a long time and weren't real sure what that was going to be like for them sitting in that amount of time.

And before dropping into the meditation,

I just kind of said,

Well,

Maybe not.

Maybe it will be rather easy.

Let's just go through it and we'll see at the end what it was like.

And at the end,

As we open up in a group discussion,

That was the outcome.

People were kind of surprised and then really surprised when I shared that it was 20 minutes of silence within that.

Many thinking they couldn't sit for that long,

But also definitely not that long in silence.

So it also allowed for this empowerment of,

Oh,

I can.

But the awareness of that collective web energy that was in the room as people shared how at home,

If they were to try to sit within that long period of time,

They'd be very fidgety.

Their mind would be jumping everywhere.

And with this experience,

They were really able to just drop in and be there with us all in the room.

So holding space in meditation,

Whether it be just with another individual or this collective energy and the power that it can bring to awareness and stillness.

When we're looking at holding space related to processing,

It can be with an individual or it might be with a group.

Maybe there's a crisis situation going on or a difficult situation where you're holding space for a group of people.

You're allowing yourself to vibrate out a flow of calmness that others can ride with you.

But when we're providing this container for expression,

Whether it is with an individual or group of individuals,

There's important elements that we want to just be mindful of.

The one is non-judgment.

When we're holding space,

We want to be non-judgmental.

It's not about what's right or wrong,

The shoulds or shouldn'ts,

Our expectations,

The have tos.

Remembering that codependency cycle that we talked about in,

I don't know,

I think it was pushy people maybe or a boundary one.

I'm sorry.

But codependency real quick as a little snapshot is that triangle that we can get pulled into where we're maybe attempting in this example to hold space and someone is sharing something difficult or challenging that they're working through emotionally.

And then that triangle that would come in is where we go into caregiver role where we want to give these suggestions,

Ideas,

Ways to fix it.

That's not what they're looking for.

So they're not going to follow through on any of those things because they just want to be heard.

They're just trying to talk.

And then when they don't follow through,

We move up into the prosecutor or angry cycle where we have bits of resentment that they didn't follow through because if they would just listen,

It would avoid this,

That or the other.

And then we move down into the victim role where we have that sadness.

Why won't they just follow through with this and listen and just coming from love and trying to help them.

And then we go back over to the caregiver and in the middle,

There's this whirlwind of emotion going on that's never really met on either end.

That's just a quick little summary of that codependent triangle that might come in when we're trying to bring in expectations or our have to's in this listening and just being with the other person.

And that listening part,

We want to be mindful of active listening.

Really listening,

Hearing,

Feeling their experience through empathy.

We don't want to interrupt or talk over and be mindful and notice if that comes through for you.

Simply notice,

Maybe even tell yourself not now and then go back to the person.

A way to do this is repeating in your mind what the word is that they just said back to you,

So you're reconnecting,

Paying attention to their non-verbals through body language.

Over 70% of our communication is non-verbal.

You can hone back into the experience and get back into active listening role and not allow yourself to engage with the desire to interrupt,

Talk over,

Give your opinion,

Tell the person how to fix it,

What they aren't doing right,

A lot of different things that can come in when we get out of active listening role.

The other thing we want to be mindful of is supporting them feeling.

And that has to do kind of with what I was just talking about in active listening.

Providing comfort,

Sitting with it.

And that can be really challenging,

Sitting with it.

You know,

We're sitting often with heavy emotion and allowing ourselves to be there with it and not try to change it.

Not try to,

If someone is crying,

Stop them from crying.

As a therapist,

I never hand my clients tissues.

They're there for them.

But that's an indication,

Even in a subconscious level,

To stop crying.

So sitting with emotion can be quite challenging because it stirs up our own stuff.

So we want to be mindful of our stuff.

As humans,

It's natural to pick up and absorb other people's emotions.

And being aware that you are there to support and not collect.

It can also stir up our own stuff with our own past stories or our own experiences or inner reactive cycles.

Be aware and notice so that it doesn't take over.

Remembering so that we don't react from our emotions or our stuff.

It's about their experience and us attempting to be there for them in this moment.

Not our agenda and not trying to fix the situation.

Allowing the opportunity for validation is an important piece of holding space.

Validating the individual's experience,

Their emotions,

And that you understand.

You know,

Letting them know they're not crazy is a term often people are used like they feel like they're losing their mind or they feel like they're being overly sensitive,

Which is a message we can hear so often from others.

That's that early imprinting I have in my life and that in a lot of categories,

But I'm overly sensitive and blah,

Blah.

But I won't share too much personal information here,

But we might've got that message from others and in holding space for someone,

We want to be validating.

We want to let them know any emotion they're feeling,

Whatever it is,

Is important.

It is a valid emotion because it is their personal experience and that might be something they have never received before.

The recognition that whatever they're feeling,

Even if their emotion is different than the others around them,

Is still right.

It's still okay.

So providing that support,

Providing that space,

This emotional container and safe space for comfortable vulnerability.

This might include just sitting there in silence with them.

Sometimes people can get really anxious,

For example,

Or have a lot of sadness going on and that cycle might make it really hard for them to settle and to even get some rest or sleep.

And at times just having a friend and someone you can feel safe and comfortable with sitting in silence with you in that space,

Creating that flow of calmness will allow the person to settle down,

To feel more relaxed and comfortable.

And often they'll actually even be able to maybe get some rest.

So it's not always about talking either.

Sometimes it's just about being present and being there and letting the individual know it's safe.

It's nonjudgmental.

There is empathy and compassion,

Loving kindness and positive regard.

As a collective,

We're all going through stuff.

Our stories are all different,

But most of us have stuff we're trying to work through.

Heavy emotions,

Difficult situations.

The more we can support each other,

The more we can feel supported.

I hope these are areas you might consider.

Allowing yourself the opportunity to practice holding space for someone else.

Or if you're one who really finds it challenging to find comfort in doing that with someone else and allowing yourself to express your emotions,

To feel comfortable and safe in doing so.

Allowing yourself to explore opportunities with someone in your life that you can try it.

And maybe it's going to therapy or finding a support group.

Maybe you don't have anyone who comes to mind right now in terms of a close family or friend.

There's lots of opportunities and ways that we might be able to tap into this,

Even if it doesn't seem readily available on the surface.

Thank you everybody for listening.

I appreciate it.

I will tell you that I am actually starting up.

I mean,

It's there,

But nothing's on it at the moment.

But it's a Patreon account.

So it's patreon slash Serenity Wellness is the name.

And it's a way that I'm going to be providing a little bit more information for anyone who is interested in helping to sponsor my podcast.

I've avoided putting out any kind of ads or corporate sponsor stuff.

And I've contemplated the affiliate account.

But to be honest,

I am struggling with the corporate greed,

And Amazon,

And the taxes and not paying any and all of that.

And I'm not going to go on a tangent but energetically none of those things are feeling right for me.

You by no means are obligated to provide any type of support at all.

But it is a way if you are finding this useful,

That you might be able to help me as well.

I'm trying to get some more equipment to do these online courses and such.

So that's patreon slash serenity wellness.

Or just by sharing our social media stuff,

Or leaving feedback is also a way to really provide support because it's just getting this information out to others.

So thank you for letting me put my little spiel out there.

It's,

As I just mentioned in this podcast,

Ironically,

It's hard for me to be vulnerable.

And it's those people who know me know it's almost near impossible for me to ask for help from others.

But there it is,

I plan to by Sunday evening have my first free video on the Patreon account.

Now I've put that out there so I will make it happen.

And that will be a weekly thing where I'll just be putting out free meditation videos and such on there if you decide to be a sponsor.

So thank you as always,

Thanks for letting me ramble there.

You can follow me on social media,

Instagram,

Facebook,

Check out our website,

All that great stuff.

There's some really amazing things coming up at Serenity.

So thanks so much and I look forward to talking with you again soon.

Have a good one.

Reviews

Wonderful as usual! Thank you!

Stumbled upon this podcast and of course this was exactly what I needed to hear now. Holding space was an elusive concept for me. Thank you for giving me clarity. I’m looking forward to exploring other episodes.

Congrats Nicole on podcast #50 !! I loved this podcast for several reasons. Over the last 6 months I am aware I need to be a better active listener. It’s not always easy with a few people to not interrupt, make suggestions or give advice but I’m working on it and it’s better. I don’t want to do these things but I still struggle at times with the same few people! I literally need to be on alert to put my hand over my mouth when talking to these few! It should be so simple to just listen !! I’m not giving up anytime soon.

Wishing you the best with your Patreon account and I will be checking it out. Have a great day ! 💜