Serenity Wellness Podcast E30: Healing Through Grief

Healing through grief can be a heavy and confusing time. Learn about the stages of grief we all go through, the different ways we work through them, and some tools to assist in healing. My dear friend, Ariane, joins me to talk through the stages and share her personal experience of working through the pain.

This statue is called "Emptiness" and was created by a grieving parent as an attempt to describe the pain of losing a child.

Transcript

Hello,

Welcome to Serenity Wellness Podcast.

My name is Nicole White and I'll be your host.

This podcast is dedicated to helping you tap into your full potential of how you can heal and balance your mental,

Emotional,

And physical wellbeing.

Together,

Let's explore inner self,

Connect with our strength and manifest your true nature.

One full of love,

Purpose,

And passion.

Welcome to episode 30,

Healing through grief.

Today I have with me a special guest.

It's my dear friend,

Ariane.

She was actually over last night and we were hanging out on the deck and part of our discussion and talking was about what grief does to us and working through grief and in her own experience of what she's working through with the loss of her brother.

So I asked her if she wanted to be a part of this episode to share her own experience in what we're gonna talk about in these stages of grief and the healing process and how we all work through that in such different ways.

But the heaviness that it holds in our heart and also within our whole body system,

How it can really kind of take us over sometimes.

So today we're gonna talk a little bit more about that and Ariane's gonna share a little from her perspective also in her own healing.

With today to start,

As we start thinking about grief and before I get into these five different stages,

There's some important things to keep in mind and be mindful of within this.

The first is that we all go through these stages I'm gonna go through in much different ways.

There's no set linear line that we go through,

We jump around them,

We might stay in one stage for a while and then we're all the way back in another one and that can last for years.

The heaviness of them does get lighter and the space between them gets longer,

Especially when we work more towards the stage of acceptance in these five stages,

But they're long lasting.

It's not like we ever truly completely heal from grief.

It's always a part of our heart space and our memory and it just becomes easier to live within it and to work in the acceptance of it so it doesn't hijack our whole system.

The other thing that is important to be mindful of is that these stages,

Although we primarily think of them and know of them when we're talking about loss,

We also experience these stages of grief even with positive change,

As I've talked about in some other episodes.

So even if we get a new job or we get a new home or even when we add a new family member to our family,

We can sometimes even go through these things in a different way as far as the emotional feeling and heaviness than it is with a loss of if we lose someone to death.

But positive changes also are a change and in some of those changes,

It does require us to lose something that we are very used to.

It often happens with people,

For example,

When their childhood home is sold.

They have so many memories and they might even understand,

For example,

That their parents are at a place that it's best for them to sell the family home,

That it makes most sense financially but also for where they're at in their own living situation and maybe the home required too much uptake and too much yard work,

Et cetera.

So there's probably even or often even like all these positive reasons why this is a great transition for everyone but so often the family members will experience such a feeling of loss and go through these stages of grief within that and it can be adult children who haven't even lived in the family home for 20 some years but the thought of the family home not being the family home anymore is also brings about this sense of loss as an example.

With the five stages of grief,

I should tell you that this episode might be a little emotionally charged in listening to it because it is a sensitive topic for many and many of us are still holding grief very on the surface of our heart and in the discussion,

I'm gonna be sharing just some of my own personal things with the loss of my mom to help highlight how these experiences and stages are and what they feel like and look like and then as I mentioned,

My dear friend Ariane is also gonna share her experience and these are painful things that we're all going through personally and also we can often be very connected to others who are going through this in their own way.

So understanding this can also help us to work through it in a way where we don't feel so weighed down or lost in our emotions and we can kind of look at them in the normality of what we're feeling and it gives us more space to have compassionate awareness to do that in a more healthy way.

So,

Excuse me,

Again,

As I go through these,

I'm gonna go through them in an order but it doesn't necessarily mean that this is the order you go through or you experience although denial is often the first one that does come through.

We will jump around these and again,

They look different for everyone as we'll talk about when we go through them.

Excuse me.

So the first one is denial.

Denial is when we just really cannot allow our mind to grasp the reality that is actually happening in front of us.

It sends such a shockwave through our system sometimes.

Again,

Not always,

Sometimes these are for positive changes too but especially when we have a loss in our life and as I work and talk through these five stages,

I'm primarily going to be focusing on that aspect,

The loss part of what these stages look like and feel like and just being mindful that you can experience these in other ways too with other changes but in the denial,

When we lose someone,

We will deny that this is our reality.

It sends such a shock through our system even if it was someone who has a terminal illness and we were actually working through this end stage of life with them and aware,

It can still send this great shock to us and keep us in a state of denial.

In this state of denial and shock,

We can fill our time with stuff that doesn't even make sense to us.

We can feel almost like we have amnesia in life where we just can't even think,

We can't,

We forget what day it is,

We're running around and we don't even know where we're at or what we're doing or why we're even there.

We'll wanna pick up the phone and call the person,

Like no,

They're here and then it kind of re-shocks our system.

I remember when I lost my mom and I've mentioned this in other episodes but for those of you who maybe are just now starting to tune in during the September 11th situation,

I lost my mom.

She was watching the events unfold on television and ended up suffering from a brain aneurysm and I was working in a crisis department at the time and she contacted me on the phone and was talking to me about the planes that hit and she was in obviously a state of anxiety and sadness and shock about what was happening and then she,

I was again working in a crisis department so our phones were just going crazy off the hook with people in a state of panic and trauma that they were going through in that moment and then when she called when the second plane hit,

I knew something wasn't right when I was talking with her on the phone,

It was just,

I just energetically just felt some things were off and I left immediately and went to her home but it was about a 40 minute drive and by the time I got there,

She was in a coma and then as we waited for the ambulance,

She was stopped breathing and stuff and so I had to resuscitate her and it was quite,

Quite a traumatic experience and even though it was very real and there's no denying in my mind frame,

Once I started connecting,

I don't know how to explain it,

I guess connecting back to my mind,

I almost felt like I was out of my body for a while there,

It was just so,

It was just so intense but once I kind of started reconnecting back to myself,

I was still in such a state of denial,

Like it just couldn't be real,

Like not only all the loss that so many of us experienced on that day,

On September 11th but just my own reality too,

Just felt very unreal,

Like my mom was supposed to be taking my daughter on a weekend women's outdoor adventure,

My daughter was nine at the time,

You know,

In a few days and here it is,

We're gonna be having her funeral that weekend so it was just such this complete state of denial,

She was only 48,

She was very young,

You know,

Just very unexpected and so in that denial,

I would often for a while think about reaching out to her,

Think about calling her and then again,

That reshock of like,

Oh,

Nope,

I can't do that and having to kind of reprocess this reality.

So this denial can keep us there for quite a while,

We can,

You know,

Again,

Almost engage in life in a way that we forget that it's real and it's a way that sometimes our body system stays in that as a way of that's where we're at mentally and emotionally at that time,

Like our body's kind of trying to help us,

Like we're not quite at a place to truly bring in all the emotions that we have to process in this loss so although it can seem confusing that we would even have this state of denial,

It is our mind-body system trying to help regulate and help us work through this and that's why these stages are different for everyone,

We all have different places and needs within ourselves and what we can and cannot really absorb at any given time.

So this denial part and then we have the bargaining.

The bargaining is when we'll start to try to literally bargain,

You know,

If you are one who,

You know,

Is religious,

You might start trying to bargain with God or Jesus,

You know,

Somehow coming up with some kind of plan for him to bring the person back or you might start bargaining in terms of trying to somehow go back in time,

If only this would have happened or if I would have done this,

This could have prevented this.

The situation,

Again,

With my mom in this bargaining part,

I still to this day have such vivid,

Vivid memories of every moment almost of that day and that morning I woke up,

I can picture it all,

What I was wearing,

Exactly where I was standing,

Where I used to be married,

Where my husband at the time was standing in the kitchen and I didn't know what was going on with me but I felt all of a sudden very,

Very sick and my brain was like kind of real fuzzy and I remember all of a sudden sliding down the cabinet,

You know,

Wall,

Whatever in the kitchen and sinking myself down,

Sitting on the floor and talking with my ex-husband,

Or my husband at the time but saying to him,

You know,

I don't know what's going on,

I don't really feel good,

Maybe I should stay home from work today but I knew,

You know,

At the same time there was a lot going on at work that day for myself and so I talked to myself into going into work and so part of this bargaining for me,

I really struggled with that for quite a while where I was like,

If I would have just taken off of work,

Then I could have immediately gone to my mom when she called me during,

When the first plane hit and then I would have been there with her and been able to talk,

You know,

I'm a therapist so I would have been able to talk her through it in a different way so that maybe her anxiety wouldn't have increased so much and it wouldn't have caused the whatever burst that the brain aneurysm that burst in her brain that,

You know,

Killed her and so for me,

I went through that bargaining for quite a while,

The if only,

If only I would have taken off work that day,

Maybe she'd be here.

If only,

You know,

My parents live out kind of remotely and so it took quite a while for the ambulance to get there and so I struggled with that,

Like,

If only right when I got there,

I would have found my human,

I don't know,

That human strength that's in somewhere and I would have just been able to somehow lift my mom up and put her over my shoulder and drive her to the hospital.

Maybe I would have gotten her there 15 minutes sooner and,

You know,

All the things that we go through in this bargaining,

Even though the reality we know is that we can't go back.

No matter how much bargaining we do,

It will not bring the person back but at times,

You know,

It's feeling like it's helping us somehow.

Even though we know cognitively it's not gonna happen but at the same time,

These stages I'm going through,

We have to go through them.

So bargaining is part of it.

Denial is part of it,

It's part of the healing and it's okay that it's confusing that we have denial and that we have bargaining when we know that it's not reality because it is part of the healing process we have to go through.

So you wanna be mindful of that and not be judgmental and critical of yourself when you find yourself in these stages because it is part of the healing.

The next stage is anger.

In anger,

We can feel anger about the situation,

We can feel anger about the loss,

We can feel anger towards ourselves for these,

You know,

Some of the examples I already gave about decisions we made that we somehow think would have made a difference even though we know they wouldn't have.

So we can have so much anger,

We can even have anger towards the person that we've lost.

I was angry at my mom for dying.

Like what sense does that even make?

You know,

My mom didn't wanna die.

You know,

And we can even be angry for people.

You know,

Suicide is something that we all have probably experienced in some way or another with someone we love,

Someone we love and someone they know.

You know,

It's just,

It's such a sad and tragic epidemic that is also present in our society.

And so sometimes when we go through this and this anger,

It can sometimes be towards someone who has actually taken their own life and we have so much anger towards that and towards them.

I've had unfortunately many different experiences with people taking their own life in my life.

As an adolescent,

I had three different friends commit suicide through some years as well as my young adulthood.

And then again,

In society,

We're hearing about many people also,

Even famous people who are taking their own lives.

So this is real and it's painful and anger comes in often in that element.

You know,

We'll get angry at the person for not continuing to hold on and work through whatever suffering that they were experiencing that led to that decision.

So this anger,

Anger towards self,

The situation,

The person,

And trying to let ourselves again recognize and notice that this is okay,

That we feel this.

It's part of the healing and very natural that anger comes through.

Then we have depression.

That's that deep sadness,

That deep wallowing in our heart that feels empty and broken and heavy and suffocating.

It permeates through our entire body.

We can feel sometimes like we're not even breathing,

Like we have to remind ourselves to breathe.

We can feel at times we don't wanna get out of bed.

We don't wanna face the world because it's just too painful.

The sadness can feel so overwhelming and make us feel so stuck,

But is also part of our healing.

This sadness will get lighter over time.

It may never completely go away,

But it does get lighter and you do have space.

And there's no,

Again,

Typical stage of grieving or process of grieving,

But often these things can be really heavy for the first year,

Two years,

Even three years.

And it's not that they go away after that,

But they do fluctuate in a different way.

They're not as heavy.

We have laughter in there and joy as well when we remember them.

But initially when we're going through this,

That depression can be extremely heavy.

And again,

It's such a physical feeling in our body that can really just make us disengage,

Isolate and feel lost.

And then stage five,

And again,

This isn't in any particular order,

But this is usually we don't get to this place for a little bit.

And that is the acceptance.

That's when we've kind of dabbed into all these other four elements of these stages and we start to accept the reality of what's actually happening and has happened.

We work through and realize that it is painful and we have compassion towards everything we're experiencing,

But we also have our cognitive awareness more present,

That this is real and this is something that has been a part of our journey that we've had to work through.

So those are the five different stages.

And again,

We can fluctuate and we'll work through them in different ways and we'll get into acceptance and then suddenly we'll find ourselves back at depression and then we're back at denial at times.

It could be,

I remember it being like a year and a half,

Two years later and I'd still have these things where it'd pop in my mind that I wanted to call my mom.

Like,

Oh,

I gotta call her.

Oh my gosh,

I just tried this new recipe.

I wanna call her and tell her what it was like.

Or,

Oh,

I wonder if she heard about such and such.

And that recognition that it's not like this is like a one month,

Two month thing.

You can really feel like you've worked through and healed a lot of this and then suddenly a song will come on and you find yourself crying or a memory comes in and you find yourself having some anger towards the person again.

It's healthy and normal and so try not to judge yourself when you experience that.

And again,

Recognizing we all go through this differently.

So having that compassionate awareness that where we are at is not gonna be where others are at.

I remember again in the loss of my mom how I put a lot of my own grief and healing on pause because my parents were high school sweethearts.

They were together since they were teenagers.

And my dad,

He was really lost.

And my mom did a lot around the house.

So trying to get my dad to even know about planning meals and doing laundry.

Not that he didn't do those things.

I mean,

He helped my mom on occasion.

I'm not saying he didn't do that stuff,

But he was the worker.

My dad worked for the phone company and he worked a lot of overtime.

So my mom did a lot of the home stuff which was how it worked really well for them.

But when this tragedy happened and the sudden loss,

He was lost in so many ways.

I mean,

She was a part of his life since they were teenagers.

So I don't wanna do math right now,

But I know they were married over 30 years or something like that.

So a long time.

So I put it on pause for that,

But also for my daughter.

As I mentioned before,

I had my daughter really young.

I was only 17 and quite lost in my own life.

And when I ended up,

When she was almost four and I moved up to this area,

My parents had moved up to where I live now a couple of years prior to that.

And I was still down in the Coatesville area.

And so when I moved up here,

When she was around,

Up here meaning in State College,

Pennsylvania,

When I moved this direction to finish my degrees at Penn State,

Man,

Just lost my train of thought on what I was talking about there.

Oh yes,

Okay.

So when I went through that transition and was going to college up here,

My mom helped me a lot with my daughter.

And so she was really like a second mom to Chelsea.

And so with this grief,

I really kind of paused also for that to just try to be as present as I could,

Possibly with my daughter.

I was 25 at the time.

And really trying to put my own stuff on hold the best I could,

Because I was also still working in crisis.

And so when I would be at work,

I was having to hold space a lot for people who were going through their own traumas and crises.

So for me,

I really didn't start to feel some of this other stuff at the deeper level of healing almost about a year in,

Because I was just trying to keep pausing and holding space for everyone else.

So realizing too,

That sometimes that happens for us for various reasons.

And that can also create a little bit of a challenge because others in our life have really started working through these stages.

And then we're like eight,

Nine months in,

And suddenly we're starting to feel the sadness and to feel the anger.

And the others around us who are maybe our primary support are in a different place.

And so sometimes that makes us even feel more confused.

Like,

How do I talk to them about the sadness I'm feeling?

I don't wanna open up their sadness again when they're at a different place of healing.

So that recognition that we're all in different places for different reasons is something that can be helpful for us.

And I'm gonna talk here towards the end about some other ideas of how to work through this healing and grief.

But with all of that and that sharing of the stages and some of my own experience,

I wanna now take this time to welcome Ariane.

And I just can't thank you enough,

Ariane,

For taking this time to be with us.

I know that this is such a hard topic and I just love you so much.

And I know it's so heart centered.

I love you too,

Thank you.

So thank you for talking with us.

And I'll just kind of turn it to you on what you wanna share with us today.

Hi,

So I lost my brother about six and a half months ago.

He was 37 years old and had been my lifelong best friend.

But as far as the five stages of grief,

Nicole,

When she touched on the denial,

I spent a lot of time in shock.

Michael died tragically,

Unexpectedly.

My parents showed up at my house to tell me that Mike was dead.

And I went outside,

I couldn't even think straight.

I didn't even know what I was doing.

And next thing you know,

I found myself at Nicole's door,

Knocked on her door and she opened the door and said,

Hey,

How are you?

And I just said,

Mike's dead.

And so she was like,

Oh my God,

And came over and spent some time with us.

But after my parents left,

I had a baby at the house and I have a baby,

But at the time,

She was about a year and a half.

And for the following week,

My husband had to take off work and take care of the baby because my thought process,

I couldn't focus on anything for more than probably two minutes.

I'd walk into a room,

Forget why I was there,

Go,

Okay,

I'm gonna go sit down and watch TV,

Sit down,

Couldn't even focus on anything.

My brother was a chef.

So the day that he died after my parents left,

I felt that I needed to do something.

I didn't know what to do,

But I had to do something.

And so I left and drove to his different restaurants that he worked at to collect his chef's knives.

It was very odd just not knowing what to do or where to go.

And then I did a lot of bargaining as far as even God,

If you'll please bring him back,

I won't tell him,

Nobody will ever know,

We'll move away.

We'll move to where nobody knows us.

They won't know that Mike had died.

Just trying to,

Thinking that God could do that,

Knowing it's impossible,

But maybe,

Just maybe.

I'm still,

I think,

In the bargaining stage a little bit.

Anger,

I spent probably too much time being angry and still,

I'm still working on it.

Angry at Michael for the way that he passed away.

He unfortunately overdosed on heroin.

So I'm very angry at him,

Very angry that he left two beautiful children behind.

Angry that he left my parents behind,

My mother,

Her baby,

You know?

But ultimately,

I know that wasn't his goal,

But it's still,

I spend a lot of time being mad at him.

And then depression,

I,

Trying not to spend too much time there,

It's hard.

The sadness,

I've been sad from the start.

And I don't know if I've really,

Have touched on the acceptance stage.

I know that he's gone,

But I don't think that,

I know that,

I don't think I've actually accepted it.

And we're still going through all the firsts.

His first birthday,

He died in January,

So did Easter.

Halloween's coming up,

Halloween was huge for Mike and his daughter Vivian.

He would get her the best outfit and they would go trick or treating.

So that,

And then of course Christmas.

We always spent Christmas together,

So that's gonna be tough.

But I have heard,

And I don't know if it's true or not,

You may know that after all the firsts,

The second year is harder because the first year,

The first time you're like,

Okay,

I understand he's not here,

And you kind of prepare for that and deal with it.

But then the second year,

Reality kind of hits that this is how it's gonna be for the rest of our lives.

Sure,

Yeah,

And it's really common.

First off,

How you said you're not quite feeling like you've kind of stepped in to accept and shed.

And that is very natural and normal too,

Because often it's about close to usually around six months before people really start kind of getting the processing of all these different stages.

It's why so often as a therapist,

People who are working through grief,

Sometimes they'll come in at the beginning because of the shock factor.

But often it's usually as they're kind of moving more towards that six,

Eight month period,

Because it's,

You're going through those first four stages back and forth,

And that's where it starts to really kind of unfold in a deeper way.

So it's very natural and normal that you haven't quite felt that acceptance piece a whole lot,

But at the same time,

I think being mindfully aware of the things that you have been doing in your life,

Even since right when we've lost Mike,

That really did tap into some of this acceptance.

You started,

I know you started the foundation,

And you're welcome to mention that here today too,

To try to raise money and awareness.

I know that you've met with so many of our politicians and people in charge,

You've met with probation and the people in charge there,

And you have really in this used your voice in a way of power and healing,

And that piece is a piece of that acceptance.

Like even though it's only kind of popping up at times,

When you're using that voice,

And that's why last night when we were talking,

I thought,

You know what,

And why I offered for you to be on this today,

Because you were talking about this part here,

This using your voice and letting people understand and hear the pain and how you're working through the pain and also using that as this tool of helping people understand this epidemic of drugs and where it's stealing people from us and taking away their soul.

And so those moments,

You are really in acceptance at that time in a power position of,

I wanna try to make a change and make my voice heard so that people don't forget who Mike was and they don't forget the beautiful man and father and brother and son and friend,

Et cetera,

And that this is this horrible darkness that has stolen him.

And so I know it's so hard in a million different ways,

But just recognizing that strength that you have and when you're doing that,

That's you helping to really also guide yourself there.

And in terms of that second year,

Certainly it can be more challenging as we work through the first,

They're very hard in and of themselves.

And like you said,

When you start going through the second year,

It's more of tapping into,

Okay,

This is really our reality.

And so it's like kind of deeper into the acceptance,

But at the same time can get us deeper into some of the emotional healing that takes place.

But there are things,

And I'm gonna share them in just here in a moment,

Also that can help so that year one,

Year two,

Year three,

Don't seem as heavy,

But that at the same time,

We're working through the compassionate,

Mindful awareness of accepting all of our emotions,

Our experiences,

Our thoughts that come through,

Because it,

As you know,

Is just so hard.

And yes,

For sure,

The second year can be hard too.

One thing that I learned that I had not expected at all,

I thought grief was just sadness.

I had lost my grandmothers and that was awful,

But they were older,

They lived great lives,

And I was sad.

And I thought,

Okay,

You know,

Sure,

I'm short grief.

But with Michael,

I never realized that it could be physical,

A physical pain.

And it truly,

The pain in my soul,

In my chest,

Deep down inside,

Down to the bottom of my stomach,

Is,

That was actually very shocking to me to learn that,

Like at first,

I thought I was having a heart attack.

Right.

That there's actually that physical pain.

And I read somewhere that made a lot of sense that grief just means broken,

Brokenhearted,

And that makes total sense to me.

Yeah,

Because you can feel that brokenness.

I mean,

People will talk about it,

And even in your own experience,

How it's almost like it feels like your heart is shattered,

Like if you kind of really tune into it,

It just feels so broken and so empty at times.

And like you said,

That physical experience,

How it can kind of go through every cell of your body.

Like your heart,

You feel like you're having a heart attack.

You talked about even the brain stuff and feeling like amnesia.

Our muscles will get sore as though we like just,

We're working out or something,

And we maybe haven't been able to even move for a couple days,

Because we're so in this state.

This might be too much information,

Sorry,

But I vomited for three months.

Like it was just,

It's so physical,

It's crazy.

It is absolutely so physical in all these different levels,

And you know,

Something to also be aware of and understanding is how sometimes with grief,

Especially when it pulls in this shock element with it,

It really can elevate the symptoms related to post-traumatic stress disorder,

Because it is this traumatic experience.

And the way that that works in our body,

It really is such a physical experience often for us,

Because our body is thinking,

You know,

If that makes sense,

The body's not really thinking,

But our body is designed,

And these things are kind of communicating and going on within us to think,

Oh,

I need to regulate or I need to help.

Mentally and emotionally,

It seems like there's a crisis happening,

And so I need to respond in this crisis manner,

And then,

You know,

Our heart is beating,

We're not breathing right,

Our adrenals are like,

You know,

Flooding our whole system,

Which makes our cortisol go down,

And now we're like just this ball of physical mess and trying to even mentally figure it out.

And like you said,

When we're not really aware of that tie-in,

It can almost make us feel like,

Oh my,

Now what's wrong with me?

Like what's going on with me?

I'm having a heart attack or I have,

You know,

Chronic vomiting,

And now what?

You know,

Something must,

I must have broken something inside me because I feel so broken.

One thing,

I was hot for,

Like I couldn't,

I was just hot for a while,

No matter what,

I couldn't cool off,

But my mother was freezing.

She said nothing,

She couldn't get warm.

So it was very interesting to see my reaction versus hers.

I mean,

I lost my brother,

She lost her baby.

Sure.

But just how everybody's different,

Everybody reacts differently to the crisis.

Yeah,

Absolutely,

And thanks for bringing that up too because like we're talking about a lot this,

The mental difference of how we all process it and go through it,

But that example there shows us too how everybody's body is different in terms of the physiological responses.

Like you and your mom having,

You know,

You're hot all the time,

She's cold all the time,

And how each of you,

Your body system at that time was doing what your system needed.

Like she needed to be at this cool off phase and your system felt like it needed to be at this hot phase to just work through,

And how even that physiological response can be different,

Where you're having,

You know,

The vomiting,

Your mom,

For example,

Might have had more of like a migraine and a headache kind of experience going on for her body.

Yeah,

You know,

Thank you again,

Thank you.

For sharing your story with us,

And yes,

Of course,

Please do.

We're starting a foundation for Mike.

Thank you,

I was gonna say,

He could tell us a little about that.

He was a chef and there's a lot of mental illness and drugs in the restaurant industry,

So we're trying to focus on getting those people help in the hospitality industry,

Helping show them or get them connected to different resources that can help them.

And also we're working on getting some of the laws changed as far as for probation,

Michael was on probation,

But his probation officers pretty much made it worse.

They wouldn't allow us to help Michael get help.

And it goes on and on and on,

But if you wanna know any more information,

Feel free to email me at cheffyslaw.

Com or at gmail.

Com,

Cheffyslawatgmail.

Com.

Can you spell cheffys?

C-H-E-F-F-Y-S.

Thank you.

Lawatgmail.

Com,

And I'm working on a Facebook page,

So that should be up soon as well.

Perfect,

Thank you,

And thank you for putting together that type of organization and benefit program because mental illness and addiction are running rampant through our society and the restaurant industry is certainly something where it's really prevalent in a lot of different ways.

So I think it's a beautiful thing that through this pain and this grief that you and your family are coming together in that pain to try to make a difference in his name.

So thank you.

Thank you.

And thank you again for sharing that with us,

Ariane.

As far as some added tools and tips in terms of what you can do in your own life or maybe pass on to someone else you know who is working through some grief,

Some things to keep in mind,

As I mentioned,

Is that we're all over the place in these stages and where we're at in our processing of emotions and what we need.

So having that compassionate awareness that what you're experiencing is natural and normal and it's okay and you don't have to judge yourself or feel like you're losing your mind because you've been stuck in the depression longer than your partner or longer than another loved one or friend,

Et cetera.

So allowing yourself to have your emotional experience and what that is for you.

Allowing yourself also to tap into support.

Letting yourself use your support network around you and if you feel like you do not have a support network around you,

Allowing yourself permission to figure out what that can be for you.

Maybe it is going to a therapist.

Maybe it's going to a support group in your area.

There's a lot of different support groups that can even get pretty specialized.

So we have a TIDES program here in State College and that's for children who have lost a parent or loved one and helping them work through the stages of grief and it's specifically for children,

For example.

There are ones who,

Or excuse me,

Programs and support groups who are focusing on those who have lost a loved one through addiction or through suicide.

So you can get as broad or as narrow as you would like in those support groups.

And there's also ones online.

Go ahead,

Ariane.

You just mentioned online.

On Facebook,

I am part of a group for adult sibling loss and that has been very helpful to me to see that there are thousands of other people feeling the same way that I am and just for them sharing their stories.

And like you said,

There are specialized specific groups.

So even if you're part of Facebook,

Search for whatever kind of loss you're dealing with and you'll find a group and that has been very helpful if you don't want to go out and leave your house and see a therapist.

Right,

Thank you so much for sharing that because yeah,

Sometimes people don't want to do those options or sometimes people are even living pretty remote and they don't even have those options around them.

And so knowing that it's even available online in that way too in those specialized areas.

And it also helps you learn that the way you're feeling is normal because there were times that I was thinking,

Am I overly emotional?

Why am I feeling this is awful?

Are other people feeling this bad?

Exactly.

And then to find that and find out,

Yes,

In fact they are.

Right,

And that helps to elevate that natural normal.

Like this is natural normal when I'm experiencing and I know you've shared with me,

I'm sure you're okay with me saying this on here since what you're sharing.

But I know you shared with me too about how that group for you and being a sibling,

How it really kind of helped you also piece apart that difference in sibling loss and how parents are gonna grieve and lose or through that loss in a certain way and how the siblings,

They even experience a different emotion and a different experience in that loss.

So really helping to help you in your own experience.

Right.

Yeah,

That support in whatever way it can be for you,

Whether it be just talking with loved ones around you or friends or a group in the area or therapist or an online support network.

There's plenty and plenty of online support networks available as well.

Allowing yourself when you feel you're ready to start going through some memories.

And maybe you just start with going through some memories that are in your mind.

It can take a while to get to pictures and that is different for everyone.

Sometimes people are ready and okay to start looking through pictures right away.

Other times people can take years before they're ready to look at a picture.

And then there's a lot of in between.

I remember it took me quite a while to really look at the pictures of my mom.

And when I first did,

It was like,

I don't know,

Just so many different emotions came through but it was almost like you're looking at a ghost in the picture,

Like the picture just even looks different.

Like when you're aware that their physical being is not here with you anymore,

Like you start,

When you start looking at pictures,

It's a little bit of an added extra shock that comes through,

I guess is the best way to describe it.

It's almost like that reality base comes through again and the picture just even kind of connects in a different way is the best way I can describe it.

So being mindful of what that is for you in terms of memories and giving yourself permission that if you're not ready to be looking at pictures,

That's okay,

Even if others around you are,

They're where they're at and you're where you're at and giving yourself compassionate awareness that we're all different and you don't have to push yourself to be in a certain place in your grief and healing.

And then also letting yourself remember happy things.

Try to laugh about some of those memories that you also have with the person.

Remembering the joyous things too and letting yourself laugh about experiences,

Laughter is so healing,

But you'll know when you're ready for that and again,

Not trying to push yourself in any sort of direction and just letting yourself be where you're at.

Bringing into mind that loss,

What would that person want you to be doing here as you're living your life?

You know,

They're not gonna most likely want you to be wrapped up in grief and stopping your own being and stopping your own engagement in what is important in your life and with your family and with you.

So pausing and recognizing,

How would they want me to be doing right now?

Would they be wanting me to try to be living my best life or would they be wanting me to be escaping from life and feeling suffocated from this grief?

So that can be helpful too.

Something I find and have found very helpful for myself also as well as people I've worked with is coming up with something that you can do in their memory each year.

On the anniversary or on a special occasion of memory of them.

So something my daughter and I try to do every year is plant flowers around Mother's Day as this memory of my mom.

And then on September 11th,

Each year,

We do something different,

Just something that helps us connect with her.

Something artistic,

My mom was an artist,

So that would be one thing that we would go to is trying to do something artistic in her memory or something with flowers and gardening.

She loved to do flowers and gardening.

She loved to take photos and photos of nature and go hiking.

So trying to do what it is that really connects you with their energy and trying to have that as your own kind of routine that you put in place every year because it again can really help with this healing and allowing yourself to move more towards that acceptance and the wholeness of everything that is really going on in your life and the pain and things that you're working through.

With that,

I'm going to wrap this episode up,

But I hope that you have found it helpful to help you understand that again,

Normal and natural nature of the things and emotions and physical experiences that you may have in grief.

Keeping in mind,

We all go through these in different ways,

In different stages.

Also remembering that this is not a linear line.

We jump around in all of these.

We can be in acceptance for a while even and move back to grief,

Or excuse me,

Back to denial or back to anger and depression.

So we will bop around them for a long,

Long period of time.

We can be in acceptance for a long period of time and still have this other stuff come up.

Just last couple days ago,

I was with Dennis and we were talking around a fire and we were just talking about some stuff and I can't even remember what it was I said.

Oh,

I was talking about my parents' property and they have this beautiful property and my mom really loved gardening,

As I mentioned.

And we were having a lovely night.

We were laughing and talking about all the stuff around the fire and just this random conversation and I just said,

Oh yeah,

My mom really loved their place.

And then suddenly I just started crying and it kinda came up from nowhere in my mind.

I like,

We were having just some lovely conversation and just me,

When I verbally said that statement,

My mom really loved that place.

It just opened up this whole well of tears in my heart space and she's been gone for many years.

So we wanna have that compassionate awareness towards the emotion and bringing in some of these things to help us realize that it's natural and normal and using that support and understanding to do so.

Thank you everyone for joining us today.

Thank you again,

Ariane,

For being here with me.

Absolutely.

And I will talk to you all again soon.

You can check us out on Serenity Wellness Center,

C-E-N-T-R-E.

Com or serenitywellnesstools.

Com to learn more about what we have going on and you can always check us out on Instagram and Facebook.

Thanks so much,

Have a great one.

Reviews

It’s been 12 years since I lost my husband, my best friend and I’m still grieving the lost everyday. I miss him and our life together so much. Thank you for reminding me that this is my normal and it’s ok.

Thank you—I cried from the beginning, I lost my 38yo brother a month ago. I was already challenged in many ways and this came as a tsunami. The amount of suffering is beyond words. Things will never be the same and finding trust in life again will be a step by step process. It was very helpful to hear your sharing and explanation. Sending light to anyone walking this path.

Thank you both for this very insightful podcast. At 67 I still have both parents but no siblings. This really helped prepare me for the days when they come. Thank you both so much.