Serenity Wellness Podcast E19: Communicate To Listen

Open your awareness to how you connect and communicate. Examine your active listening skills, styles of communication, and the impact on our connection within and relationships with others. Increase your awareness and have more conscious conversations and connections in your life.

Transcript

Hello,

Welcome to Serenity Wellness Podcast.

My name is Nicole White and I'll be your host.

This podcast is dedicated to helping you tap into your full potential of how you can heal and balance your mental,

Emotional,

And physical well-being.

Together let's explore inner self,

Connect to our strength,

And manifest your true nature,

One full of love,

Purpose,

And passion.

Welcome to episode 19,

Communicate to Listen.

And thank you all for continuing to listen to my podcast,

Sharing it with others and your ongoing questions,

Feedback,

And support.

I greatly appreciate it.

Mark in Georgia,

I hope you're enjoying the sacred space you created in your office.

And Terry in South Carolina,

Thanks so much.

I'm glad you also found the sacred space episode helpful to even seasoned meditators and hopefully found some things you can incorporate into your own practice.

And Jacinta,

All the way down in Ballarat,

Australia,

Thank you so much for taking the time to send me that beautiful message on how you're also finding these podcasts helpful.

And thank you again,

Everyone,

For continuing to share it with others,

Because when you do that,

We're just working as a team to spread wellness and help others have the opportunity also to heal.

So today we're going to talk about active listening,

Some styles of communication,

And how it impacts our connections within and our relationships with others.

We talked a little bit about active listening in towards the beginning episodes in one of the mindfulness episodes.

I can't remember exactly which one,

But on a side note,

I am putting together a database that will be on the other website that will go live soon.

And it will include which episode covers which techniques and skills and tools.

That way,

If you're looking for that more specific,

Being able to hone in on a specific episode to learn a certain technique or tool that will be available for you soon.

For those of you who are looking for that,

I've gotten a few questions about that.

So that's coming your way.

But as of right now,

The active listening I talked about was just kind of brief in one of those episodes when I was talking about different mindfulness techniques that you use in your everyday life of how to connect back to presence.

And so active listening I talked about there was how if you find this other place in your mind and jumping around to bring yourself back to active listening as a way to get back into presence and connecting back to the person who is talking in front of you.

So I'm going to pull that apart a little bit more today.

And so with active listening,

Again,

It's that mindful practice of using our listening to be able to really hone in and connect with the person in front of us who is talking or sharing.

And when we're not doing that,

It will make us at our best half listen.

But often we are listening maybe like at a quarter or fourth or an eighth or maybe not listening at all when you hear some of the ways that we disengage from active listening.

So some of the things that pull us away from that ability to actively be there and present is sometimes we will listen to react or respond.

We'll be listening and honing in on what the person is saying,

But in our own mind,

We are listening for certain things or an opportunity to react or respond to what they're saying.

It will often bring in defensiveness,

Passive aggressive communication styles,

And sometimes even aggressive communication.

Those who tend to use a bit more aggressive communication,

When they are actively listening in order to respond or react,

They will listen to try to find even a certain word,

And they'll just pull that word out as a way to try to take the conversation somewhere else and often escalate the conversation and lead to conflict and a lot of other things that we'll continue to explore.

So sometimes,

Again,

People can even actively listen,

But in their own mind as a way to try to look for an opportunity to pull out a certain word,

To escalate a situation,

Or to get away from what's actually being talked about.

Another way is that we can think,

You know,

Someone's talking to us and in our own mind,

We're thinking we know more than what's actually in front of us.

So this is when we start to inject intentions and assumptions.

We will start to create this idea in our mind that we think we know how the person really feels or we think we know what they really mean.

We'll often add in extra emotions or feelings and again,

Thinking that we know this all to be true.

And so we'll start reacting to that.

We'll start reacting to these things we've made up in our mind in the moment.

And this can even go sometimes when we're not even in a conversation with somebody and maybe we're getting ready to talk to them a little bit later.

And we will create all these stories in our mind,

Like going even so far as in our own mind thinking,

Okay,

I'll say this and then they'll say that and they feel this way and they feel that way.

And here,

By the time you meet up with the person and actually have the conversation,

You will be reacting to things that were said in your own mind that never even happened.

You kind of pump your own emotions up in those situations.

And then the person is on the receiving end of this communication based on a conversation they weren't even a part of.

But,

You know,

Again,

It's creating this automatic reaction cycle when trying to then listen later.

So we can think we know more.

We can inject these intentions,

Assumptions,

Emotions,

And feelings.

And then we can also be engaged in our own monkey mind or jibber jabber.

We can be thinking about what we need to do later,

What we didn't do.

We can be distracted by things around us,

You know,

Kind of having our attention taken,

Everything in our surroundings,

Which is disengaging and disconnecting us to the person right in front of us who is trying to talk with us at that time.

And then it ends up being,

You know,

When we do these things,

They're more talking at us and not with us because we're not fully present and we're not really engaged in what's happening.

When we do these things and we get out of some of these mind frames,

We can also sometimes to take us away from the active part,

In our own mind,

We can be thinking about our own agenda and what we want to talk about.

And so we will be listening for an opportunity to interrupt or sometimes we will just kind of talk right over you or when they respond,

It has nothing to do with what you were even talking about,

It's just kind of what was going on in their mind and then they respond in a way that,

Again,

Is kind of more about their own agenda or what was happening.

And so when we do these things and disconnecting from being active and present with the other person,

The person may often feel unheard or misunderstood.

They might be less willing to open up and communicate in the future because if they feel that,

You know,

When they're talking with you that they end up having to talk kind of at you or that they don't feel that you're really kind of engaged or interested or trying to understand where they're at,

Well then they're going to probably be a little less likely to trust in the future to allow some vulnerability in there in communication and to try to share with you.

As a listener,

When we do this,

We will often interrupt,

Talk over,

Become defensive,

Seem uninterested and again,

Miss out on a lot of opportunity to connect to the person in front of us and try to understand things from their mind frame and from who they are.

So those are some things to kind of be on the lookout in terms of active listening and are you actively listening or are you somewhere else when you're in a conversation.

In terms of conversation and communication,

I'm going to go over the four primary different ways that we can communicate with others and I'm going to break it down and look at under each one the behavior,

The non-verbals that you might see and are present,

Their belief cycle,

Emotions and goals when you use these different types of communication patterns.

So the first one is passive communication.

In passive communication,

The individual often be a bit more quiet.

They don't say what they feel or what they need or want.

They might have difficulty in establishing boundaries with others,

Often putting other people's needs before their own,

Sometimes not even recognizing or paying attention to their own needs,

But often putting themselves on the back burner.

They might often say,

I'm sorry for things that really don't even need an apology for.

They can get wrapped up into judgmental thinking towards themselves pretty frequently and end up just kind of not speaking their truth and denying their own wants and needs.

Non-verbally,

They can tend to try to make themselves look smaller,

Kind of look down,

Punch their shoulders in,

Avoid eye contact and speak pretty softly.

Their belief cycle is that others' needs are more important than theirs,

That their rights don't really matter and their contributions to a conversation are not valuable,

Often feeling like they're worthless or having a belief cycle that they are worthless.

Different emotions they have are often a fear of rejection and helplessness,

Some frustration and anger,

Resentment towards others who they feel use them at times or have a lack of respect for them,

And they often will have a bit of a lack of respect for themselves.

Their goal is to avoid conflict.

They will often get into these people-pleasing behaviors just to avoid conflict.

They'll give others control,

Often over circumstance and situation,

Because again,

They're in a difficult situation of trying to find their own voice and having the strength to go within and find their true confidence,

To have that genuineness of how they're truly feeling,

What their wants are,

And establishing those healthy boundaries.

The next one is aggressive communication.

Individuals who use aggressive communication often have a low frustration tolerance.

They try to control and dominate.

They can be verbally and physically aggressive and will often interrupt,

Talk over,

And belittle others around them.

They'll often try to control the person or sometimes even control a room by trying to make others feel embarrassed or less than,

Shame or guiltful,

And especially when people try to use this in a group setting or in a room,

They will try to kind of dominate control over the room.

So they'll slowly try to make people feel a little less than or embarrassed in some way so that they feel more in this power position and more comfortable within themselves.

Individuals who use aggressive communication will often express their feelings and wants as though that's the only thing that matters,

That that's what has value.

And in their view,

Everything else can be easily dismissed or ignored.

They might use insults as far as insulting the needs and wants or opinions of others.

So kind of,

Again,

Putting people down,

Making them feel less than so that they can try to gain this control and domination.

Non-verbally,

They'll make themselves large and threatening.

They will have a fixed eye contact.

So kind of trying to stare you down,

Not look away.

Intimidation,

You can think about those gazes of intimidation.

They will often use that.

Their voice will be loud and perhaps shouting and again,

Can be very verbally and emotionally aggressive in the way they interact and engage with others.

That active listening,

Like I said,

Sometimes listening in a way just to react.

They will listen and try to pick out things just so that they can react to the situation and escalate it.

They believe that their needs are most important and are more justified than others around them.

They often think that only their contributions are valuable and that others are silly,

Wrong,

Or worthless.

They often blame others for everything.

They'll blame others for why they're angry.

They'll blame others for situations and reactions and behaviors they have,

Complete,

Oftentimes lack of accountability for even the emotional impact that they're having on the people around them when they're engaging in this aggressive communication.

They at times afterwards can feel remorse and some guilt and feel bad for hurting others.

But when people are stuck in this,

It just often will be this ongoing loop of I'm sorrys and then they will repeat the behavior until they decide that they're ready and willing to let go of it and to gain more control over their interactions within themselves and with those around them.

But when they are in this cycle of aggressive communication,

There's often no accountability of self and they will blame others for pretty much everything,

Often using you statements.

Their emotions are often anger and power,

Again,

Trying to control and dominate.

The goals are to win at any expense,

Even at the expense of others and to try to gain that control.

And then we have passive aggressive.

Passive aggressive you can think about in terms of,

You might have heard of the compliment sandwich.

It's like you'll say something nice and then you'll say something crappy and then you'll say something nice.

Or you can think of it with sarcasm.

Sarcasm is passive aggressive communication.

You might think I'm being overly sensitive.

People will say that,

Right?

Another judgment.

But when you break it down,

Sarcasm is passive aggressive communication.

It is a way to try to belittle the other person,

Make them feel less than or stupid.

It's a way to beat around the bush around our true feelings instead of just trying to use assertive and direct communication about how we feel and what our wants and needs are.

We will often in passive aggressive communication,

You're kind of putting the other person on the need to be a detective.

It's like you say something without really saying it and that person now needs to try to figure out what you really mean.

But if they get it wrong,

Then you're going to get angry or blame them for not understanding even though you actually haven't said what you're trying to say.

They will often deny personal accountability or responsibility for their actions.

They can get into cycles where they don't really seem to have consideration for the other person's time.

So they'll often be late for things or forgetful or will say things that they're going to do and then just don't do them.

So just kind of being passive and aggressive about it,

This mix of the two.

Non-verbally it usually again mimics a bit of the passive style,

But also at times bringing in some of those elements of the aggressive communication we talked about as well.

Their belief cycle is that they are entitled to get their own way.

Even after making commitments to others,

They will break those commitments in terms of themselves and not really take responsibility for their actions and behaviors.

Emotionally they will often fear that if they use assertive communication that they would be rejected.

So they will turn to this as a way to try to get their needs met even though this often will lead to a lot of hurt relationships and communication cycles.

And then again,

They start getting resentful towards others when they don't want to play detective anymore or when they're not figuring it out.

But again,

They're not being direct of what they want.

Their goals are to get their own needs met without having to take much responsibility.

They can at times use subtle sabotage to get even.

This can also be used in aggressive communication styles,

But they are a little less subtle when using aggressive communication and the passive aggressive can use more of a subtle way to sabotage situations and communication and relationships and all kind of things.

Lastly there is assertive.

This is ideally where you want to try to get yourself.

It's the most effective way to communicate our wants,

Needs and express ourselves to others.

When we're using assertive communication,

We're expressing our needs,

Our wants,

Our feelings directly and honestly.

We're not assuming that they're correct and that everyone has to feel the same way.

We're allowing others to hold different views without dismissing or insulting them.

People with active communication are great listeners.

They're communicating to listen,

To understand without an expectation and need for everyone to have to be where they're at and have the same exact need or understanding.

Non-verbally,

Their body's relaxed,

Movements are casual,

Eye contact is frequent but not glaring like you would aggressively.

So just a respect for the other person,

A respect for where they're at and who they are.

Their beliefs are that their needs are just as equally important as others' needs and that both have equal rights to express themselves.

Both have value.

Both can walk away and agree that they don't agree and still respect one another.

They'll often use I statements instead of the U statements that aggressive and passive-aggressive individuals will use.

Emotionally,

They will often feel positive about themselves and the way that they treat others.

So it helps their own self-esteem and confidence to rise because they're establishing healthy connections and relationships with those around them,

Which creates its own cycle of reinforcement.

And their goals are for them to be able to speak their genuine truth while still respecting others,

Being able to express themselves without having to win,

Not trying to control anyone else,

Not trying to make others feel or see what they feel or see,

But also not allowing themselves not to speak their genuine truth,

Just trying to do so without forcing it on others and to do so in a way that is open,

Honest,

And genuine.

So those are the four different types of communication styles that people can use.

And we'll be talking more about them in different ways as we continue to build upon this.

But those are some things to think of in terms of being more aware of how you listen,

Where you are as a listener,

And how you communicate.

How are you expressing your wants and needs with others around you?

How effective are you in communicating?

Look at your own facts.

Look at what you know to be true in terms of how you treat others in communicating,

How you treat yourself in making sure that you're mindfully aware of your own wants and needs and being able to express those in a way that are respectful and balanced with those around you.

So as we wrap things up,

Some things to consider are some active listening practices.

So some ways to be more aware of how you're doing as an active listener is just,

Number one,

Being aware.

So tapping into the awareness of those things we talked about at the beginning today.

And then as you're aware,

You then re-engage.

So the everyday practice of mindfulness,

As we have been talking about,

Is going to help overall in pretty much everything.

Because the more we're mindfully present,

The more we're aware.

The more we're aware,

The less we're story creating in our monkey mind and jibber jabber.

And so the more you practice anything with mindfulness,

The easier it becomes.

The more you practice mindfulness,

The easier active listening becomes,

Because you're present.

You're more just in the now instead of everywhere else that you're creating in your mind.

So actively being aware and practicing mindfulness and then re-engaging.

That re-engagement and pulling yourself back to presence to the person in front of you can even be taking your attention to watch their lips move for a moment to re-engage or repeating back two to three words in your mind that they just said to actively reconnect and re-experience the person and what they are saying and trying to connect with you.

And then listen like you want heard.

Avoid interrupting.

What you have to say is not more important than what the person in front of you is saying,

Unless again,

You're trying to get them away from danger.

A fire is behind them.

A lion's about to attack them.

Neither of which is probably the case.

So what you have to say is not more important than what the person who is talking with you is saying.

They're trying to talk with you and not at you.

So try not to interrupt.

Try to be a listener like you want heard.

Remember that you're not a mind reader.

Adding intentions and assumptions is a very ineffective way to actively listen,

Engage,

And connect with those around you.

If you are worried or concerned about something going on in your mind with these assumptions and intentions,

Again,

Practice assertive communication,

Get clarification,

Get curious about the person in front of you and allow them to have the opportunity for you to get to know their truth and not what you create in your mind.

So think about how you want to be heard and be that type of listener.

And then think about what kind of space you want to create.

When you're talking with someone or someone is talking with you,

What kind of space are you trying to create for that person?

Do you want it to be one of non-judgment?

Do you want them to feel understood and heard?

Be aware of if you're bringing in your own agenda and expectations.

Are you getting ready to throw in bricks that you're carrying around in your backpack that have nothing to do with the situation that the person is talking about in that moment?

Be aware of your own stuff and what you're trying to do if you're trying to potentially derail the conversation or use some of those non-effective and toxic communication styles.

The more you practice these things,

The easier they will become,

Just like mindfulness.

And what happens is it creates its own feedback loop.

When you're using active listening and assertive communication,

It creates its own feedback because it's enhancing and increasing your connections with those around you.

It's allowing you to get to know people.

It's helping you learn and understand the human condition and interactions.

It's helping you get to know the person from their perspective and who they are,

Their feelings,

Their thoughts,

Not yours.

Those stories you create in your mind are only yours.

They're not theirs.

So the more you engage,

The more you actively listen and try to participate in just genuine communication,

The more you can connect,

The more you can understand,

And the more it creates its own feedback loop and the more it helps you just actively engage in assertive communication as well.

So with all of that,

Those are some things to keep in mind to just open some awareness to how are you listening and making sure that you try your best to communicate to listen and you will be amazed at how when we do that,

It just enhances everything within and in our relationships with those around us.

As always,

Thanks for listening.

If you want to learn more about what's going on,

You can check us out at serenitywellnesscenter.

Com,

C-E-N-T-R-E,

Or serenitywellnesstools.

Com.

I hope you all enjoyed this episode and thanks as always for continuing to share it with others.

Have a beautiful day.

Reviews

Wow, That was amazing! There is a lot of substance to this talk. My wife and I listened to this together and got a lot of insight to how we communicate and listen. We are in the process of trying to heal some dysfunctional patterns and take ownership of those things. Thanks so much for this talk.

You are wonderful Nicole. You are an excellent communicator and teacher. Thank you for all that you do. I have listened to all your podcasts and meditations and feel great during and afterward. You are truly helping others. Thanks again!

Really good insights. Thank you 💜 x