Living And Making Peace With Addiction And Anxiety

I am deeply humbled and grateful for all the support I’ve received here on InsightTimer. However, I realize I’ve never truly shared my story—how I came to be here, where I am today, and the person I’ve become, imperfections and all. With this track, I hope to change that.

I also hope it offers a glimmer of hope to those of you facing your own struggles, reminding you that there is light at the end of what can feel like an endless, dark tunnel.

In this track, I touch on sensitive topics such as depression, anxiety, cancer, loss of a loved one, and addiction. Please take care of yourself while listening, as some of these subjects may be triggering.

Transcript

It's been some time since the last recording I uploaded on Insight Timer.

It was and is for various reasons,

But during this time I have received so much support for what is on Insight Timer and I've really been humbled by all the feedback and everything I've got.

And I realized that while I might have shared some of the personal things I went through my life and still deal with today,

I've never really taken the time to be open and honest about everything.

So,

I found this piece that I wrote in mid-2019 and I thought I'd read through it.

The reason for it is,

One,

So that I can be open with everyone here,

And also so that you know where I'm coming from and where I am today.

But also,

In the hope that some of you might resonate with this,

Might find aspects of it that sound familiar,

And in so doing,

Make you feel a little less alone in whatever struggle it is that you're going through.

But also,

To demonstrate that there is hope,

That there is a reason to get up,

To try again,

And to not give up.

So the piece is relatively long,

So I don't want to preamble too much.

And so,

I will start reading it,

And of course I will not read it word for word,

But I will try and deliver or get across the main points and the most important parts of the story.

So with that,

I'm going to read a piece that I called back then,

Living and Making Peace with Anxiety.

The more we all share,

The more we open up,

The better for everyone.

This world can be a crazy,

False-based,

Judgmental,

And sometimes just plain unfair world.

But every one of us has value.

Each and every one has the right to contribute our part,

To contribute our verse,

To borrow from the moody dead poet society.

We should never forget that.

I guess all of this started about 26 years ago,

When I was 16 years old.

It's a little more than 26 years now,

But I'll keep with what's in the article.

And I realized that I had been closing myself off from places and people because of fear.

Not fear as is typically understood.

This is a different kind of fear.

This is an all-consuming fear,

A fear that sneaks up on you and then refuses to let go.

Your every moment is filled with thoughts of dread,

Of what could go wrong,

Of dying.

Scratch that.

You're convinced all these things will happen and are happening right now.

And the bizarre part,

There is nothing more you want to do than get away from everything and everyone.

Get out.

Get away.

But in reality,

You are trying to run away from yourself.

Run away from your mind,

From your thoughts.

After some time of honestly fearing for my life and sanity,

I decided to come out and be honest with my parents about what was going on.

Thankfully,

They had the insight to send me to a psychiatrist for treatment.

Now,

Of course,

I was in my late teens,

And so was I open and honest with the psychiatrist?

Of course not.

I was ashamed.

I felt weak.

I felt like it was something I needed to hide.

So I was only open about some of the things that were happening to me in my life.

Anxiety and panic do not keep office hours,

Though,

And it was not long before it showed itself.

Like a ghost summoned up from the darkness that overwhelmed me right in the doctor's office.

There was no hiding this.

Believe me,

I tried.

I pretended to need the bathroom,

Left the office,

Splashed my face with water,

Breathed,

And tried to calm myself down.

When I re-entered the room over,

The doctor already knew.

He has seen this many times.

He could read it written on my face like a cry for help.

After this incident,

I was diagnosed with depression,

Generalized anxiety disorder,

And agoraphobia.

That's a mouthful indeed.

I was already taking medication for depression,

But the doctor upped the dosage and also introduced a benzodiazepine to use,

And I felt those familiar feelings welling up inside me.

The combination of these medications,

As well as some additional therapy,

Honestly helped me turn a corner.

I was feeling so much better.

I could participate in life without fear of a panic attack,

Being embarrassed in public,

And always worrying about unwarranted health concerns.

Things went well.

I got married to a fantastic woman,

Found what I wanted to do with my life,

Started a family,

And dreamed of the future.

That was until I said hello to my early 30s.

I was going through a pretty challenging phase in my life.

Finances were not great,

To put it mildly.

We were living with my parents,

And there was a lot of tension between my dad and my wife.

I have never been good at confrontation,

And avoided it like the plague.

Especially with my dad,

I never felt comfortable bringing up topics I knew might lead to a tension-filled situation.

For the longest time,

This caused intense unhappiness and tension between all of us.

My wife was doing her utmost to cope,

But the situation was simply out of control.

I needed to do something,

But felt helpless.

Unable to stand up and do the right thing.

My dad was not an entirely unreasonable man.

We simply did not have a relationship where I felt comfortable confronting him.

I lacked the life skills.

I was still taking medication,

But no longer any of the other medications like the benzodiazepine,

And I was no longer seeing a psychiatrist,

Nor a psychologist.

I was merely filling my head with dark thoughts,

Hate,

Anger,

Worry,

And self-criticism bordering on bullying.

And so the past became the present again.

The monster let out of its holding cell,

And oh boy did it come back with a vengeance,

Like a tiger locked up in a cage without food for days.

This time,

Out of desperation,

I grabbed at the only thing I believed would get me through this.

The rose-colored glasses,

Happy juice,

Liquid courage,

Memory cleaner.

I was looking for answers and solace at the bottom of a bottle.

I never drank all day,

Every day,

But it was frequent enough to numb the feelings of angst and depression,

Or so I believed.

The next seven years or so were a whirlpool of successes,

Failures,

Late night hospital visits,

Severe depression,

Late gain,

Health anxiety,

And a general downward spiral.

In all honesty,

Things were not that bad,

Seemingly.

Life progressed,

Things got better on the financial side.

I even landed my dream job.

That was until the solution turned into the problem.

Anyone with a bit of sense,

Looking at all this play out from the outside,

Would have seen this coming.

And to be honest and frank,

I knew this was not going to last.

I could see it,

I could feel it.

I was hurting those around me,

I was retracting into myself.

All I wanted was the sweet,

Sweet release of the booze at the end of the day.

Time to pretend all is okay and life is a-okay.

All this came to a head when my father was diagnosed with cancer.

I honestly did not know how to process this.

My relationship with my dad has improved in leaps and bounds over the last couple of years for both myself and my wife.

All the negative emotions and memories were long forgotten and left in the past.

We were looking forward to spending years to come together.

This diagnosis seemed so final,

Like just another dream crushed,

Another kick in the pants from life.

My drinking became worse,

I was still mainly a functioning alcoholic,

But things were going downhill fast.

My hopes,

Goals,

Dreams for the future were put way back and out of mind.

Instead,

I focused on making sure to tell myself and all those around me what a terrible broken person I was.

Little did I know that my mind was listening intently to all this negativity,

The critical self-talk.

I was not only listening though,

But it was also taking notes.

My dad was fighting,

Doing well,

Life was pretty good,

My drinking even got better.

This was during 2017.

But don't get me wrong though,

Not good,

Not even acceptable,

But better.

And time kept marching onward.

My dad's health was deteriorating.

I know he was probably not going to be with us for much longer.

The demands of a family who has a loved one facing the end of their life is incredibly tough.

It's also incredibly demanding and stressful,

To put it mildly.

We did it though.

We kept our heads above water and battled like crazy.

Like a lot of things,

We did.

Until we did not.

My health anxiety combined with my alcohol abuse,

Smoking,

The constant decline of my dad's health,

And the general everyday pressure of life in the modern world got to me.

A week went something like this.

Monday,

Me pretty productive.

When 4pm rolled round,

It was time to break out the booze and kick back.

Although I actively tried various strategies to drink and smoke less,

I still ended up drinking too much.

Tuesday,

Wake up,

Exercise,

Try to make it through the day.

Sometimes it was okay,

But other times.

.

.

Panic attack city.

I would be completely debilitated,

Useless,

Continually fighting my mind.

Failing and only feeding the anxiety further.

Eventually,

The night would fall.

It would be late enough to justify going to sleep.

I would pop a sleeping pill and be out in 30 minutes.

Wednesday,

Thursday,

Rinse and repeat.

It was not long before the panic attacks got so bad that my wife had to rush me to the emergency room as I was sure that I was having a heart attack.

And with my lifestyle and age,

It was not difficult to convince myself.

It was also at this time that the doctor prescribed Herbinol to help me manage my panic attacks.

Was I truthful and honest about my alcohol problems?

Of course not.

The next couple of months would be an endless repeat of the above.

Some of the time things got better and other times it got worse.

I was able to stay off most of the anxiety and panic attacks using Herbinol,

But was building up a tolerance.

Some days,

When things were really terrible,

I would quickly end up taking 30mg through the course of a day.

While some people are prescribed even up to 40mg a day,

I was not,

And this was me abusing yet another chemical in an attempt to hide from the truth.

I was also using sleeping pills,

Often along with alcohol.

Bad idea.

Through all of this time,

I managed to still work.

My dad's health was on a downward spiral and life generally felt out of control.

The only saving grace was my wife,

Who is an absolute saint,

My rock,

My everything,

Who never left my side.

She was taking strain though.

My entire family was,

To be honest.

I could see it,

Which made me feel worse about myself and made me throw some more fat on the burning self-degradation fire.

Everything came crashing down on the 14th of July,

2018.

My dad had been admitted to hospital a few days before,

But things seemed to be getting better.

That evening,

We received a call from my uncle.

Something does not seem right,

You need to come to the hospital immediately,

Were his words.

After what was mostly a peaceful passing,

My dad took his final breath at around 11.

15pm.

I was lost.

I was heartbroken.

I did not know where to go from here.

How will I be able to live the rest of my life without him in it?

How will I cope?

To whom will I go when I need advice?

These and so many more questions were bouncing around my head.

I felt numb.

The following three weeks was a total blur and still is.

With the numbness,

The sorrow,

The loss,

I grabbed for the one thing that has,

In quotes,

Helped in the past.

I tried to drown my sorrows in alcohol,

To hide from my feelings.

I did not feel what I felt I should have,

But I did not really want to feel the feelings anyway.

It's too painful,

It's too final,

I wanted more time.

A couple of weeks later,

I had the mother of all panic attacks,

Again ending up in the emergency room.

This time,

I decided that this was it,

I'm done,

I'm done with my self-abuse.

But not without one last panic attack a few days later.

This time,

I did not end at the emergency room,

But at the doctor's office.

He took all of my vitals to assure me that everything was fine,

And miraculously so.

He also sent me for a full blood workup.

A week or so later,

I received the results,

And to my surprise,

The numbers were great.

I guess being a vegetarian,

Exercising daily and having health anxiety saved me.

That day was roughly four months ago,

Now more like five years and four months ago.

And since then,

I've been clean and sober.

And in general,

I feel so much better.

But,

That is today.

Back in 2019,

Those old anxious feelings,

Those feelings of dread,

The health anxiety,

The negative self-talk,

The panic attacks.

They all came back.

And the negative self-talk caught up with me.

On a daily basis,

I try to keep it at bay.

At first,

I got angry,

Frustrated,

Sad,

And just plain tired.

I just wanted normal life,

I just want to know what being content is again.

Perhaps some happiness,

If possible.

That approach does not work,

And anger and frustration only feed the monster known as anxiety.

I also know that my abuse of alcohol,

Anxiety medication,

Sleeping pills,

All which I stopped at that point,

Were causing withdrawal symptoms.

And what do those withdrawal symptoms do?

Well,

They cause anxiety,

Depression,

Feeling of dread,

And panic,

Of course.

It felt like I have come full circle,

Only to end up where I started.

And then I decided enough was enough.

I went back to the doctor,

And this time I was open and honest.

I told him about the past,

The lifestyle changes I've been making,

And what I was dealing with.

I again proceeded to have a full physical ECG,

Blood pressure test,

Blood glucose cholesterol,

Blood tests sent to the lab.

Everything was normal,

In fact.

Some of the readings were actually good.

Still,

My health anxiety was driving me up the walls,

Stealing time from me,

Preventing me from really living life.

I made a decision,

Though.

No more negative self-talk,

No more self-degradation,

And I will go back and see a psychiatrist.

Turns out,

I was taking great care of my physical body for the most part,

But I was still abusing my mind.

Neglecting it in every way.

Well,

It's been four or five years since I wrote this,

And I'm proud to say that I am now on the cusp of being,

I believe,

Three and a half years sober.

And I'm doing a lot better.

It's hard work.

There's ups and downs.

Life is definitely not a fairy tale.

It's not filled with unicorns and rainbows.

There's still many,

Many challenges,

But I've found ways to cope.

I've found ways to deal with all of this.

Are there still tough days?

Days where I still feel incredibly depressed and anxious?

Yes.

Yes,

There are.

There are quite a lot of them,

In fact.

But I've found better coping mechanisms.

I've found also groups and people who help a lot.

Inside Timer and the people on here is one of those places.

This is all to say that I have found coping mechanisms,

As I mentioned,

And I would love to share them with you.

I've shared some of them already on here,

But I will be sharing more in the coming weeks and months.

If this story rang true for you in any way,

I implore you to seek help.

If you can,

And you can afford it financially,

From a professional.

But do not lose hope.

There is a brighter tomorrow.

Find support wherever you can.

Talk and do not remain silent.

There is no shame in this.

Whether you're dealing with depression,

Anxiety or you're dealing with addiction.

Being open and letting those who care,

And there are people who care,

Know what the truth is,

Empowers them to help you.

I wish everyone health,

Happiness and freedom from addiction and anxiety.

Thank you for listening.

I will speak to you soon.

Namaste.