Releasing Shame: A Live Coaching Session

In this powerful coaching session, Rick speaks to a friend about struggling with self-criticality, shame and the fear of rejection and guides her to a place of compassion and acceptance. Although not a guided meditation, I hope this session helps you to release any shame you may be feeling.

Transcript

Hello,

Dear friends,

And welcome.

I think today you're in for a really special treat.

You're about to listen to a recording of a live session that I conducted a few weeks ago.

The session occurred as we were wrapping up a two-day training session for a new coaching center that we're opening on the campus of Full Sail University in Orlando,

Florida.

As the two-day training session came to an end,

My dear friend Michelle came forward,

And I could just tell by her body language that she was really struggling,

And she asked if we could spend some time together.

I asked if this was something that we could record and use to help other people,

And right away Michelle said yes.

Michelle,

If you're listening,

Just a huge thank you for your courage and vulnerability in allowing all of us to benefit from your experience,

And hopefully many of you or even all of us again can receive some level of healing and liberation from what Michelle so courageously brings forward.

So,

What's really wonderful about this session is the universal themes of fear,

Rejection,

Self-worth,

Shame,

And deeply held beliefs around am I truly lovable and valuable are surfaced.

As we begin the session,

Michelle is deeply contracted.

In fact,

She's struggling with this big lump in her throat that's impairing her ability to talk and really even sort of impacting to some degree her ability to breathe deeply.

So,

We take a deep dive into what's going on,

And Michelle even relates a traumatic event that happened on a family vacation that triggered all this.

So,

I really think that because the themes are so universal and because what happens is just nothing short of a miracle,

Michelle goes from deeply contracted to about 15 minutes later being in an actual bliss state,

Completely free and liberated.

God,

I wish that happened every time.

It doesn't,

But maybe in listening something like this might happen for you,

And that's always my hope.

So,

Sure hope you enjoy my session with my dear friend Michelle.

So,

Here we go,

Right Michelle?

So,

Michelle,

We were reviewing just sort of in training the E3 scales,

And you said that something about criticality really hit home today.

So,

I thought we should start with that.

Yeah.

What hit is,

So maybe about a week or so ago,

I had I think what I would consider a little meltdown,

And I recognize it immediately,

But it was here at work.

I had just come back from vacation,

And something just kind of set me off,

And I became very passive aggressive,

Probably just very aggressive,

Shut down,

And just kind of mean overall.

Prior to that,

I had been on vacation,

Which you think would be a time of relaxation and peace,

But it was actually very turbulent for me,

And I got caught up in a lot of really negative thoughts about self-worth,

Like am I important to anybody?

Would I be missed if I wasn't here?

What kind of value do I bring to the table?

It was a really troubling thing to go through as you're trying to enjoy this time with your family,

But it was this internal dialogue that was constantly going on with me,

So I'm happy and having fun on the outside,

But on the inside I just kept having these reoccurring questions over and over and over,

And I can only assume when we talked about self-criticality today that maybe that had something to do with it,

But it took me,

I think it was maybe last Monday we met,

And probably at least a good three days before I was even okay with the way I had responded on Monday coming off of that emotional journey.

Well,

So I was thinking we were going to talk about the criticality scale,

But what you're bringing forward is just this period where you're just really highly self-critical,

Self-critical,

And just really kind of beating yourself up,

And it was really questions around,

Am I worthwhile?

Does anybody really love me?

Do people care about me?

This was the thing,

And it was the dominant internal theme of your vacation,

So on the outside you're being fun,

Happy,

Jovial Michelle,

And on the inside you're kind of suffering it sounds like.

Oh yeah,

Big time.

So are you lovable?

I think so.

Why?

Because I think I'm receptive to other people.

I am very,

Very accepting of others and so eager to learn about other people,

But I'm very resistant to share myself or I've struggled with the concept of authenticity and wonder what do people see in me,

Like how do I present to them,

What is reflected about me.

So while I'm really eager and I really love everybody,

I just love to learn about all types of people,

I'm always self-conscious about how they look at me.

And what is your greatest fear in regard to that,

Like what are they seeing?

Along the lines of that authenticity,

Like phony,

Fake,

Not authentic,

I think that's in rejection.

Rejection is a big fear because I'm like,

Well what if I get found out,

Like what if they figure me out?

And if they figured you out,

What would they discover?

Probably that I'm not as,

Sometimes I try to project confidence even though I don't have a lot of confidence or I try to project that I have it all together and I am,

That's not me,

I'm probably not,

Like I'm organized chaos,

I'm very loose and unstructured and I guess there's a part of me that feels like that's not a desirable trait and so I try to present in a manner where I don't let it show as much.

And then yeah,

I guess if it's figured out,

They're like,

Oh well she's just like completely unreliable and unstructured and you know,

That it would be seen in a negative manner.

So if you were exposed as being this sort of disorganized,

Unreliable person,

Then that would somehow mean that they would stop caring about you if they really know who you truly were?

Yeah,

I think that's it.

Like in different contexts,

Like value as an employee,

Oh well you know,

Maybe she doesn't have the qualities we need to fulfill,

Roles and duties.

As a mom,

And I didn't share,

But while we were on the cruise ship,

Something kind of traumatic happened.

I was getting ready to take,

We were on the bottom level and I was getting ready to take my girls up and we got inside the elevator,

The door shut and I guess before we started going up,

Somebody pressed the button again so the doors opened and at that moment my daughter had put her hand on the door,

So her hand got stuck in the elevator.

It was scary,

It was traumatic,

She was screaming,

I couldn't get her hand out.

I was yelling for help and people were just staring at us.

I tried grabbing the emergency phone and there was no response and it took,

It felt like forever but maybe a few minutes before I could get the doors to release and immediately her hand,

It looked like all of her fingers were broken because there were just all these imprints and bruising and I was terrified.

So of course I go back to the room,

I get my husband and his response is,

What were you doing?

Why were you not watching her?

How could you let that happen?

And it was like,

Wow,

And is that when all this started?

Yeah,

That's when a lot of it started coming up because I was like,

Man,

Like yeah,

I don't do what I need to do.

I'm not aware enough.

I am always lost in thought.

I'm not paying enough attention.

I'm not structured and organized but,

So you've had this,

Like we all do,

You had an insecurity around this sort of being,

I don't want to be over dramatic,

But like the fatal flaw.

And now here it was.

Yeah.

And the person I love the most and as a mom,

It's my primary job to protect my child and here that's being called into question and it's really finally being exposed that I'm inadequate to do that.

Exactly how I felt.

Yeah.

Are you able to sort of connect with that now?

Yeah.

Like I,

And I think I had to actually play out.

I said,

Come,

Like,

Let me show you how this happened.

Got inside,

Door shut,

Like she's doing right now.

She just leaned against it and it was,

It happened in a second.

You know,

It's not something that,

I mean,

Unless I was holding her in my arms that I felt was because of my neglect or inadequate supervision.

But at that moment I felt it was.

And then when I re-walked through this series of events,

I think it also brought to his mind like,

Okay,

This just is something that happened and now we just,

I mean,

We know that she's a very curious child and she's always on the go and everybody has to be mindful with it.

So I,

I came to,

Not while I was on that cruise ship,

I came to peace with it probably around the same time that I came to peace with my reaction to everybody on Monday when I came back.

So something I've realized about people is that so often we have these contractions or really these deeply seated beliefs,

Like the sort of the core contraction is around the idea that somehow I'm either bad or I'm just not good enough.

And I think millions,

If not billions of people around the world have that.

And this seemed to trigger that for you.

So is there anything real about the idea that if people discovered this lack in you,

That they would abandon you or reject you or whatever?

I think I know it's not,

Like I can rationalize that that's not the case.

So let's talk about what's happening inside you when you are talking about it now.

I start doing the timeline.

I start thinking about when I,

When it may have happened or when I felt that way.

So let's,

Let's get beyond the thinking about it and like where,

Where do you feel this stuff in your body?

My throat.

Absolutely.

Like that knot,

That knot in my throat that just won't go away.

I have it right now where it's just.

.

.

So you have it right now.

Describe what that's like.

It almost feels like you can't swallow.

You're on the verge constantly of maybe like a physical reaction,

Like crying.

Almost like my,

I guess Adam's apple or whatever is enlarged.

It's just,

You know,

It's this knot in my throat that I can't get rid of.

So there's just really like a blockage in your ability to express.

If it had a color,

What color would it be?

Green.

I don't know why,

But green,

I guess to me kind of,

It makes me think of like a repulse type feeling,

But it also makes me think of envy.

So it's like,

I'm disgusted by this and I'm wanting to do this.

It's yeah,

Green for some reason is what I think of.

So there's a disgust.

Is it hot or cold?

Is it soft or hard?

Really hard.

Is it tight or relaxed?

So now I would like you to simply bring the level of mindful awareness to that area.

And in that way you can start taking good care of that area.

And so the way I would encourage you to do this right now is you don't have to change anything.

You don't have to really do anything with the exception of just simply breathing into that area,

Just right into that throat area.

Yeah,

That's really good.

So are you aware of anything shifting or changing?

It was almost a opposing force.

It felt like I was pushing down the tightness and then it made the emotional response of like crying want to come up.

So while one was pulling down,

The other was pulling up.

Okay,

Let's stay with it.

And then I want you to see if you can just allow whatever shows up to show up,

Just whatever direction it goes.

What I notice is a change in temperature.

I can feel the coolness again of like the air and the AC,

Which is really nice.

So it's moving from hot to cool.

Are you able to sense movement from contracted to relaxed?

I think so.

I thought as I push it down,

My initial reaction would be tears,

But then I felt a smile start to form,

Which was kind of weird.

Yeah,

That was strange because I didn't expect it.

So it's really shifting now.

Yeah.

It's really moving now.

You actually seem to me to be breathing a lot easier.

Yeah.

All that tightness is gone.

So is all the tightness gone?

There's still a little bit.

There's still a little.

Let's keep breathing into it.

And remember,

You don't have to change it at all.

Just notice the changes.

Changes in temperature,

Maybe shape,

Color.

And by just simply breathing into that area,

You're taking very good care of it.

And you can know that.

So something else is happening now because I see it in your expression.

What's happening now?

An awareness of the need to be gentle with myself.

It was comforting.

Even though I'm feeling the cool,

Which is kind of deflecting that heat that I was feeling,

At the same time,

I was feeling this warmth of comfort.

It was,

Again,

Very opposing feelings with that rising and falling.

I'm feeling a cooling relief and a warming comfort at the same time.

Like you're okay.

You're fine.

You got this.

So it feels as if just by simply bringing attention to that area and really some gentleness,

That there's more of a self-compassion arising.

That's it,

Yes.

And not so much self-judgment.

So that exists in you too,

It would seem.

Yes.

And then it makes me immediately think,

Without suffering,

You can't have compassion.

So I need to accept that I am both of them.

And you're doing that.

You seem to be doing that right now.

It feels like a relief.

Like that's the best way to explain it.

So is this thing resolved?

I feel like I am a step closer to resolution.

I know there's probably other times.

Is it loosening up right now?

Yes,

Absolutely.

Has it changed color?

Yes.

What's the color now?

Blue.

Blue.

What do you associate blue with?

Light,

The sky,

The ocean,

Water.

So I guess maybe that cooling.

And you love those things.

Yes.

Blue.

That's really awesome how you just brought this visual,

Or it just really appeared.

It wasn't even something you tried to do,

But the whole water element,

Which is the antidote for fire.

And you just somehow brought that into your conscious awareness.

And now there's this sort of gentleness and self-acceptance and a relaxation effect that seems to be occurring right before my eyes.

Would you describe that as true?

Yes.

Are there even elements of bliss?

Yes.

More so that not because I have pushed out those feelings,

But that I've accepted it.

And I'm okay with it.

I guess I don't want to say peace.

You can say that.

It's not going to make it go away.

Yes,

I've accepted it.

It's okay.

It really is.

It really is okay.

You're really okay.

I am okay.

And you just sat right here in front of me and all on your own were able to just bring gentleness and loving kindness to an area where you were contracted and was really painful.

And just by allowing,

You're experiencing a sense of resolution in real time in about 10 minutes.

Is that what's happening?

Yeah.

And gosh,

I went through days of terrible inner dialogue and just try and the result was like,

Whatever,

I don't care.

It is what it is.

I am who I am and I'm just going to move forward.

But I didn't resolve it.

It was just,

I was struggling.

So now you've just stopped struggling.

You just really kind of surrendered to it and allowed it to be.

And then what happens naturally is that things constantly change.

And so now I can see that you're breathing easily into your throat and that you're speaking easily.

Yeah.

So I feel like we're good here.

Do you feel like that too?

I do.

It feels amazing.

Fantastic.

That's a wrap.

Reviews

Exactly what I needed right now... tears were flowing freely! Thank you very much for sharing!!! 💞❤️😍🙏

It was wonderful to hear her story and see the practice of breathing in action! Thank you!

Lovely healing. A pleasure to witness. Thank you. Love and blessings 💙 x

TENDER. Parenting opens every of the ALLL of the forgotten/untouched wounds and gold. LOVELY WORK HOMIES