Compassion For A Loved One

There is an irony in the fact that often with the people we are closest to, we are reactive, defensive, or impatient. These difficult experiences are specially true if the person you love acts in ways that are chronically destructive as with addictions or anger, defensiveness, depression, manipulation, or something that really triggers you.

In this talk and guided meditation, Rick shows you how to show compassion for a loved one by tapping into your own basic goodness and extending it to others.

Transcript

Hello dear friends.

Today I'm standing outside as I often am between two lovely trees here in Albuquerque,

New Mexico.

Been wandering around for several minutes trying to find a place that was quiet,

That was free of truck noise,

Dogs barking,

Of all this sort of thing.

Because I,

Like many of you,

Live in the city.

And I just realized,

You know what,

All of that's going on.

There's not really too much I can do about it.

Let's just allow it to be part of our meditation.

This idea of allowing.

So important in spiritual practice,

Allowing what is.

Noticing discomfort,

Dislike,

Noticing the tension in me as I was trying to find this quiet spot.

And then at one point just smiling at that tension.

I actually just started kind of chuckling at it.

So today I'm going to be talking with you quite a bit on the subject of relating with compassion to somebody you love.

There will also be significant components of meditation weaved into the discussion.

So I'm not sure whether to call this a talk or a meditation.

Maybe we'll call it a talk-a-dation.

So there's an irony in the fact that often with the people we are closest to we become reactive.

We become defensive.

We become impatient.

Often we wouldn't do that with somebody we know casually,

But we tend to have these difficult reactions or do the unskillful things so often with the people we love the most.

And these difficult experiences can be heightened or especially true if this person you love acts in ways that are chronically destructive.

As with addictions or anger outbursts,

Defensiveness,

Even mood problems like depression or manipulation.

Just really anything that triggers you,

That puts that little hook in you.

I think it's so important to learn when we've been triggered as early as possible because there's just like this energetic,

This emotional bam and there's often thoughts.

And before you know it,

Sometimes just in a matter of seconds it's turned into this huge thing.

And then you do or say the unskillful thing and then the regret that accompanies that and that whole cycle.

So if we learn how to recognize these sort of hooks,

These sort of pricks that just get us real quick like a quick little mosquito bite,

We can catch them earlier.

And as we do,

We become more skillful and maybe bringing mindfulness to that part that's been hooked.

We don't have to change it,

But that awareness,

That awareness of what's happening inside,

Turning the lens inward.

So important to recognize early.

So I want you to think about somebody that you really love deeply.

So just take a moment or two to get that person in your mind.

And it certainly doesn't have to be a person.

It might be your beloved pet,

But a being that you just feel incredibly close to.

And think about some of the reactions you might have with this person.

Those times where you just either think or do that,

Which is just so unhelpful.

Often that might be our spouse or the person we love the most in the whole world.

And I want you to think about some of your unskillful reactions.

What is it that you do?

Are there glares,

Cold looks,

Tones,

Withholding love,

Outright aggression,

Passive aggression where you're really angry,

But you don't show it overtly.

You just maybe,

Like I said earlier,

Withhold love or maybe you don't do something for them.

But sort of think about your reactions.

This is an exercise in increasing self-awareness.

Think about your reactions.

So what's going on with those reactions?

If we look deeply,

We will see that often when we distance ourselves,

Become annoyed or frustrated,

It's because we want to protect ourselves from our own hurt,

From the hurt that we've experienced from engagement.

And our own pain is it relates specifically to this person.

So we contract.

The body contracts.

There's a tightness when we're in this sort of reactivity and that tightness keeps us from flowing,

Keeps us from accepting,

Keeps us from our mindfulness.

I don't want you to feel guilty about that.

It's a totally natural human emotion.

I just want you to recognize and notice.

So when we're in this state of contraction,

We don't want you to touch us or get close to us.

We don't want to open our hearts.

We don't want to be vulnerable because we think we'll get hurt or the pain might overwhelm us.

And this is common and natural.

No one wants to suffer.

And we can also become aware that beyond these reactions,

There's a deeper truth.

We want to be loving.

We want to help.

Often we just don't know how.

And I encourage you to see these longings to be more open and loving as actually pointing to our own basic goodness,

The true nature which we all possess at our core.

So now returning to these sort of difficult reactions,

Those that are really not helpful.

It's so easy and common to judge ourselves.

I shouldn't be like this.

I should be further along in my path.

I should be able to control myself more.

What's wrong with you?

Any kind of judgment is so common.

So I want you to just take a few breaths to connect with the type of reactions you have.

Those that might be harsh,

Unloving,

Difficult.

So these very reactions provide the perfect opportunity to start to cultivate self-forgiveness.

Self-forgiveness not only helps us,

But it expands the capacity to forgive and accept others.

And really when we're in that place of contractedness or judgment or anger or whatever it is,

Depression,

Sadness,

Guilt,

Boy,

The list goes on and on,

Right?

Whatever it is,

It's suffering.

And I tend to believe that a wonderful,

A wonderful antidote for this suffering is always compassion.

There's a beautiful self-forgiveness practice that has long been a part of the Hawaiian culture and the practice is so simple.

So I encourage you to give it a try right now.

So again,

Think about the unskillful thing you may have done.

Thing you might have said,

The thing that you've done.

And here's the first part.

Taking personal responsibility.

Three words.

I was wrong.

Breathing in,

I was wrong.

I am sorry for my reactions that are unloving.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

So again,

I was wrong.

I am sorry for my reactions that are unloving.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

So I encourage you to say this to yourself and try the best you can right now.

To accept that forgiveness is always there.

Always a part of your deepest true nature.

Part of why it's covered up is because we're just afraid that being vulnerable,

We can get hurt.

But if you're listening to this podcast,

You want to open your heart.

You want to reveal that true nature.

You want to connect with basic goodness.

So let's do the practice one more time and trust the wisdom will start to sink into our hearts.

If you have warm feelings,

Great.

If you don't feel anything,

That's fine.

That's why we practice.

That's why we do things.

So here we go.

Breathing in,

I was wrong.

Breathing out,

Letting go.

Breathing in,

I'm sorry for my reactions that are unloving.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

Now I want you to move awareness to the person you love,

The person you've been thinking about.

And I want you to be aware of the suffering that's inside of them.

If they're having angry reactions or harsh reactions,

Critical reactions,

Anything like that,

It's a form of suffering.

And I want you to see that suffering.

I want you to know that those reactions that trigger you so much are coming from hurt inside of them.

If it wasn't hurt or some kind of suffering inside of them,

Why would they be acting like that?

So get this person in your mind now,

In your awareness,

In your conscious awareness.

Recognize maybe a look,

Tone,

Or behavior that lets you know they're struggling.

See them in your mind's eye.

Stay soft.

Now be aware of some of the struggles,

Some of the hurt that's inside of you.

And allow the best you can,

Always with those four essential attitudes,

Gentleness,

Patience,

Sense of humor,

Curiosity.

Just allow their hurt in yours to simply be what it is.

Right now,

I encourage you to let go of the need to change it or fix it.

Just allow.

Simply allow what is to be.

Breathing out,

Allowing.

Allow what's happening inside you,

Allow what's happening in them.

If you feel yourself starting to contract,

Simply breathe into that contraction.

Breathing in,

Recognizing the contraction,

Any tightness.

Breathing out,

Letting go.

Breathing in,

Bringing mindfulness to any kind of hurt.

Breathing out,

Letting go.

Breathing in,

Allowing.

Breathing out,

Letting go.

Allowing what is to be.

Breathing out,

Letting go.

Now I would like you to move to an attitude of genuine curiosity.

Curiosity is a spiritual,

Mental superpower.

If we become curious,

We start to let go of judgment.

We start to get more information.

And as we acquire more information,

So many conflicts just tend to dissolve.

If you're in conflict,

I always encourage you to look more deeply.

Ask more questions.

Inquire.

Reflect.

Listen.

Thinking about,

Again,

The person that you love so much.

Ask yourself,

What life circumstances are most distressing to my beloved?

What life circumstances are most distressing to my beloved?

What's the worst part for them?

What's the worst part for them?

What might they be believing about themselves?

What are the fears,

Disappointments,

Or hurts that they're carrying?

Breathe into those fears.

Breathe out your compassion.

What's it like in their body to live like this?

Breathing mindfully in.

Breathing out your love and compassion to them.

Breathing in aware.

Breathing out kindness,

Compassion,

Peace,

Joy to the person you love.

We're just simply practicing staying with what is right now.

It's okay.

You can do this.

So let's listen a little deeper.

I'm going to repeat a few of the question.

And I want you to the best you can right now to really listen to any answers that arise from genuine curiosity.

I'm going to allow some space for each question.

What life circumstances are most distressing to my beloved right now?

What's the worst part?

What are they believing about themselves?

Where do they feel the hurt in their bodies?

Can I see this hurt in them?

Now let's move our awareness to what do they need most right now?

What does this person need most right now?

So let's move awareness to the idea that we are being supported right now and we can support them.

We are being supported by the earth.

We are being supported by the ground beneath us.

We are being supported by the air that we breathe.

We are being supported by the warmth of the sun.

By the water element that flows through all of us.

To these forces that are bigger than us.

That are always holding us.

Always supporting us.

Become aware of a bigger space.

Space around you.

Breathing in,

Aware of the space around me.

Breathing out.

Expand that space to the area maybe in the room or even what you can see.

Expanding to the sky.

To all of space.

Allow your breath to connect you.

Breathing in awareness of infinite space,

Infinite possibility.

Breathing in space.

Breathing out connection and support.

Spaciousness,

Support.

Now let's think about your love as you're thinking about your loved one.

What do they need?

Do they need acceptance?

Of course.

Forgiveness,

Always.

Understanding?

Yes.

Sense your kindness and this care as a flow of warmth.

Going right into their bodies,

Right into their hearts.

You might imagine holding them,

Surrounding them with tenderness and acceptance.

And imagine them receiving this care,

Softening.

To the best you can and if you can't that's okay.

You're practicing.

We're doing this thing together.

Offer nurturing and visualize them receiving.

See their smile,

Their body relaxing.

See them moving towards wholeness,

Blooming like a fresh flower.

Happiness,

Freedom and in yourself too.

Now I want you to notice the aspects of caring you that are manifesting.

Recognize your growing capacity for openness and for love.

Whatever you find there that it's good inside you right now.

Get to know these realities as your true home,

Your basic goodness shining through.

Breathing in pure compassion.

Breathing out,

Letting go,

Smiling.

Breathing in pure compassion.

Breathing out,

Letting go,

Smiling.

Great job.

Talk to you next time.

Reviews

In a pile of it and I get a notification for a new The Dude release!? SPOT ON my dear friend! Immensely heartening and nourishing. DANG these strategies for self protection are painful. THANK YOU!