I started drinking at 12 years old and I've been trying to stop ever since.
In May of 2025,
I stopped drinking and this has been the longest stretch I've gone without alcohol outside of my pregnancy in 2022.
It is December of 2025.
What an endeavor it has been.
The emotions that have come up are those which I have not sat with without alcohol in years.
A blanket of dread washes over me as I consider all of the events approaching that will have alcohol.
From the large parties to the small gatherings,
Seeing families that I have toasted with,
And the friends I have held close and whispered loving words to through slurred speech.
I am not alone in this dread,
And neither are you.
Close your eyes.
Take a few deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth.
There is better oxygen exchange at the bottom of our lungs.
This exchange will support your rest and digest state,
Activating a relaxation response in your body.
It is here that we can reduce stress and slow our heart rate.
There is a steady weight that hovers over our souls.
Those of us who have swallowed our words,
Who have woken up with a swell of regret that starts as an ache in our head and melts down into our hearts.
A blurry night would often leave an acrid taste in my throat that had less to do with the consumption and more to do with the purge.
The purge of myself.
The version of me who was tender and vulnerable,
Who loved to create,
To cry,
To be held,
Could not be found here.
These short-lived dopamine hits would quickly morph into a distorted figure that I did not recognize.
To feel despair,
Fear,
And loneliness is human,
But not like this.
Not for days,
Weeks,
And months on end.
But there is light,
And it is so bright and unwavering that when we first open our eyes,
It feels hard to believe.
Like kindle catching flame,
There is a clarity that returns into our hearts.
It has a quality of a memory,
And that's because the body remembers.
It remembers when the worst pain you felt was a scratched knee.
When the biggest problem was not being allowed to stay out past dark.
When you didn't need a drink to be at a birthday party.
When you didn't need a drink to laugh so hard with your friends that your belly hurt.
The body remembers when you experience the absolute joy of simply being alive with a clear mind.
It remembers when you felt love and gave love with an open heart.
Breath by breath,
We are breaking patterns of pain and suffering,
The definition of courage to write a new story.
Instead of looking to the weeks,
Months,
Or years ahead,
Look only to this moment.
You don't need to worry about getting through the rest of your life without a drink.
You only need to get through this day,
These next few hours,
This single moment.
This breath is the guiding flame that your mind has forgotten but your body will return to with ease.
You will find community in this rewiring.
But more importantly,
You will return to yourself with the compassion and presence that your heart once knew.
Deepen the breath once more.
Bring one hand to your chest,
One hand to your belly.
Notice which hand is moving more.
If it's the hand on your chest,
Can you send your breath a little bit deeper past the ribs,
Deep into the lungs,
So deep that the belly begins to rise and fall,
Activating the rest and digest state,
Activating a part of ourselves that feels calm,
Serene,
Perhaps even hopeful.
You can always come back to this state.
You can always step away from a party,
Walk away from a trigger,
Remove yourself from any situation,
And breathe.
Simply breathe deep and full.
This is where healing begins with our breath.
Thank you.
