Couples Exercise: Enhancing Meaningful Connection (TMT)

This exercise is for couples who have been together for at least a few months. It focuses upon sharing the benefits of having fun, supporting each other, being affectionate, and deepening intimacy.

It requires both of you to take part in reflective practices, exercises with pen and paper, and mini meditations.

The purpose? Enhancing the connection between you both.

Transcript

The mindfulness triangle and your favourite point of connection.

Today we're going to use the mindfulness triangle.

This is a tool which can help you stay focused with one another.

You will also get to play around with some different points of connection so as to find your favourite anchor point whilst doing so.

Before we start,

Do each of you have a pen and some paper?

Great.

Let's do this.

So the quote for today is this.

The first duty of love is to listen.

And that's by Paul Tillich.

This is going to sound so obvious.

Are you ready for this?

Communication in close relationships is a known way to promote a couple's intimacy.

Why is this?

Because when couples fail to communicate their feelings in a transparent way,

The relationship and each other's mental wellbeing can suffer.

In the hectic nature of everyday life,

We often get caught up in surface-based conversations that have little meaning.

If these conversations increase,

Then so does the likelihood of dissatisfaction in our relationships.

However,

From time to time,

Certain types of conversations help to salvage this dissatisfaction.

This can strike a responsive chord,

Triggering a sweet memory of an experience you've both shared.

As you recall one of these,

Some of the old pleasurable feelings return and you're reliving that meaningful moment in your mind.

Research suggests that it's these times where it can be helpful to gently recall such a moment of meaningful connection.

This is what we're going to explore here in this section.

But before we do,

It can be helpful,

As I said,

To have a tool to aid our focus.

So as to enhance this meaningful connection between one another,

This tool is called the mindfulness triangle.

I've been teaching mindfulness for around 12 years now,

And I find teaching the mindfulness triangle particularly helpful.

What is the mindfulness triangle?

The mindfulness triangle is a simple model to introduce mindfulness in its essence,

Helping people practice more effectively.

It's also to help those using it as a shortcut away from the words and into the experience of the practice.

The emphasis here is to introduce the idea that practicing mindfulness is like a triangle.

So take a moment to both close your eyes.

Imagine a triangle in your mind's eye.

Now imagine writing the word focus at the top of the triangle.

Now make an arrow going from the word focus down to the right hand side of the triangle.

At this right hand side of the triangle,

Imagine the words get distracted.

Now make an arrow from the right hand side of the triangle to the left hand side.

And imagine the word notice at the left hand side.

Then finally draw an arrow from the left hand side up to the top where it says focus.

Focus,

Get distracted,

Notice.

Now press pause and draw the triangle for yourself with your pen and paper.

Three phases that we experience when practicing mindfulness.

One,

The experience where you focus attention gently and on purpose.

Two,

The experience where you get distracted from your focus.

And three,

The experience where you notice when you get distracted.

Just like a triangle has three sides,

When practicing mindfulness we always have these three different phases that we experience.

And we need to go around these phases again and again to practice.

The mindfulness triangle can be a really helpful tool in staying focused whilst connecting to another person or anything that you wish to gently anchor to.

So what you are both going to do now is to write down the following four questions.

Leave a gap below each one when you write it so there's a space for your answer.

Are you ready?

Question number one.

Reflect upon one of the most enjoyable days that you've ever spent together.

Question number two.

What has your partner done that has made the time that you've spent together enjoyable?

Question number three.

What has your partner said or done that has made the time that you've spent together funny?

Question number four.

What has your partner said or done for you that has touched your heart?

Now that you've got these questions written down,

Just like in day one,

Stay silent and complete the answers in the space provided.

You can press pause now and continue this recording when you've got all these answers down.

Okay,

Now we're going to put the mindfulness triangle to practice.

Choose now who will be the first to listen and who will be the first to answer.

Get ready for the first question.

The person listening needs to focus upon their breathing whilst they listen.

Practice the triangle.

Focus,

Get distracted,

Notice,

Focus.

And as a reminder,

Question number one is reflect upon one of the most enjoyable days you've ever spent together.

Practice the triangle here.

Then once you've done that,

You can swap.

Press pause now.

Okay,

So you both should have each had a turn with question one.

Yep.

Great.

Get ready for the second question.

The person listening needs to focus upon the facial expressions of their partner whilst they listen.

Practice the triangle here.

And the question was,

What has your partner done that has made the time you've spent together enjoyable?

Focus upon the facial expressions as you listen to your partner.

Then once you've done that,

You can swap.

Press pause now.

Okay,

Great.

So you've both had a turn.

Get ready for the third question.

The person going first,

Listening,

Needs to focus upon the tone of the voice of their partner whilst they listen.

And the question was,

What has your partner done that has made the time you've spent together funny?

Practice the triangle.

Focus,

Get distracted,

Notice.

Then once you've done that,

You can swap.

Press pause now.

Okay,

So you've both had a turn.

Great.

So let's just check in before we explore the fourth question.

So what was that like?

What was your favourite point of connection,

Your favourite anchor point to truly listen to your partner?

Was it focusing on your breathing?

Was it the facial expressions?

Or was it the tone of the voice of your partner?

When I teach this idea to people of anchoring to a point of connection whilst listening to the person in front of you,

In doing so,

We are less in our thoughts and more with the vibrational connection of the person in front of us.

I hope you found this to be the case for you.

So what was your favourite point of connection?

Press pause now.

Okay,

So finally,

Finishing off today with a reflective practice revolving around our fourth and final question.

All you need to do is to follow my guide.

First off,

Sit in a mirrored position.

Be at a distance where you could easily reach out and hold each other's hands.

Finding that position where you are aligned,

Mirrored,

Facing one another.

Close your eyes if you wish to.

Allow yourself to be here now with your partner in front of you.

What are you noticing in this very moment?

Thoughts coming and going,

Allowing them to come and go.

Gently focusing upon your breathing with a concentration on the gentle out-breath.

And allow yourself to gently reflect upon the following.

What has your partner said or done for you that has touched your heart?

This could even extend into what kind of things do you say to each other or did you say to each other?

It could be that personal joke that only you share.

Subtle gestures that make you feel loved or an act of kindness for no reason at all.

So now is that moment where you can press pause and reflect upon all of what you've experienced,

Including this reflective practice we've just had.

Press pause now.

What a beautiful way to continue with day two of this course,

Reconnecting you both with some memories of the little things that you said and did with each other.

So the quote for today was,

The first duty of love is to listen.

And that's by Paul Tillich.

I hope you've enjoyed this bonus session.

Thank you for being part of the change.

Reviews

This was amazing. My husband and I had been feeling disconnected recently … I found this by chance and shared it with him this morning. We laughed and cried and were able to reconnect using the tool. Thank you!!

🙏

Wonderful, revealing practice. Bears repeating!
Thank you 🙏🏼❤️