Keep The Conversation Open: Healing Difficult Emotions

This is a profound and thought provoking live class and meditation session offered in NYC. Ralph describes the concept of stepping into a conversation with life itself, as a way of better coming to understand our reality. This session includes a 15 minute talk followed by a 30 minute meditation that comprises an embodied mindfulness practice.

Transcript

So one way of framing this life,

Whether you think of it as a spiritual path or conscious evolution or the examined life or personal development,

Waking up,

Whatever words you like to put to that process.

One way of defining that,

One way of framing this experience that we're all going for is stepping into a conversation with life itself.

Stepping into a dialogue with the universe,

If you will,

With experience,

With what goes on within these bodies,

These nervous systems,

These minds,

These hearts.

We are constantly in dialogue,

Actually,

Which seems like a kind of pedestrian point to be making,

But it's actually one of those deceptively simple points in that it's kind of profound and we skip past this essential element of our lives all too often and all too easily.

That we are in dialogue with our experience.

Meditation is very much a dialogue with ourselves,

Especially the form of meditation we'll explore in this class.

Part one of the dialogue,

It's kind of like a call and response.

Have you ever been to a kirtan?

In a kirtan,

Which is a devotional form of worship in the Vedic traditions,

One person sings the mantra and then the community sings the mantra back.

It's this really beautiful process of one person leading but everybody responding.

There's this call and response.

When we practice meditation,

We're issuing a call.

The application of a technique is like issuing a call.

Then there's a reverberation.

There's a response called our experience,

Our reaction to that technique.

I've been talking about this a lot lately,

That meditation is inherently vulnerable.

Going within is taking a risk.

It's letting go.

We're dropping our guard.

There is a response.

Our body has an involuntary hardwired response to vulnerability called defense.

Either our preemptive defense mode that most of us live in most of the time,

Where we're just strategizing and planning and organizing and laundry listening and remembering and fantasizing,

Which is all about safety actually.

It's all about how do I avoid distress and stay close to what's warm,

What feels good.

Then we have our more extreme defenses that come out when those buttons get pushed and vulnerability is exposed a little bit too much.

The way I come at things when life feels out of balance,

Which is generally speaking either chaos or rigidity.

We either go into fuck it or we clamp down and we start making rules and try to get our house in order.

That's another way in which we're having a conversation with life.

Somebody pushes my buttons a little bit too much and going to this side or going to that side is our response to that.

Then there's another reverberation because if I say fuck it and I go on some sort of binge shopping,

Drinking,

Sex or otherwise,

Or rage or panic,

Another kind of form of binge,

Or if I clamp down and start making rules for people and get rigid and tight around things,

Then we're going to get another response of life is going to give us feedback from that on what those choices resulted.

We're in dialogue with things.

We're in dialogue both outside of ourselves in terms of our actions and what we put out and then what we receive back and the situations in our lives are feedback.

If you're in a situation that isn't working,

That isn't flowing,

That's a form of feedback.

If you're in a situation that is working,

That is flowing,

That's another form of feedback.

This is very general and loose,

But of course it gets much more specific and intricate.

With meditation,

We're applying a technique internally and we're getting a feedback called now I'm freaking out or now I'm uncomfortable or now I feel like I can't do it or now I'm numbing or now I'm blissed out and feel connected or parts of me are relaxing and something deeper is emerging.

That's another form of feedback.

This is one of the reasons why I am committed to identifying as an agnostic practitioner actually because both theism and atheism are actually forms of faith that entails some blindness.

You can't prove to me that God doesn't exist nor can you prove that God exists.

Atheism is actually a way of shutting down the conversation saying no,

I'm sure.

The same way that theism is a way of shutting down the conversation to me subjectively.

This doesn't have to be your truth,

But to me,

My experience of it is it's a way of saying no.

I'm sure,

I know what's going on and therefore this is black and this is white and no more questions.

It comes from a book now,

Which is attractive,

Which is so alluring.

One of the reasons why religions are the opiates of the masses is it would be so much less vulnerable to say there is a certain way that I am sure of.

I don't have to question anymore.

I don't have to deal with this ambiguity anymore about matters as large as what is this existence and what does it all mean and who am I and what am I here for?

I've come to prefer the anxiety of I don't fucking know because there's room.

There's room for the dialogue to stay open.

There's room for me to discover things.

There's room for mystery.

There's room for me to be wrong and to admit it and to choose a different way.

It keeps the conversation open.

With regards to our emotions,

Which is what we're here to explore,

We're in dialogue with them as well and we don't realize it.

That our emotions are giving us a form of feedback,

That we respond to that feedback,

Usually some form of shutting it down or it becomes our boss and it takes over and begins dictating to us what we do next,

What we think next,

What we say next.

Both of those are forms of communication that we're having with our emotional experience in the moment that they come up.

It's a communication and then there's a response.

You repress enough anger and soon enough you'll flip out on somebody that you don't really intend to.

Soon enough you'll have an exaggerated response and somebody will trigger your anger and all the latent stuff you've been holding in your body and repressing all that time is going to come out.

Just because we push it down doesn't mean it goes away.

Knowing this and seeing this opens a door.

Opens the door to having a conscious conversation with our emotions.

To stop this blind intoxication that most of us enter into when we are triggered and activated.

Our relationship to our emotions tends to be nebulous because nobody really teaches us about them.

Nobody really teaches us what they really are or how to experience them or that we need to process them or that we have a choice other than indulging them or repressing them that we can learn to hold.

Very important skill.

Can you hold your anger?

Can you hold your distress?

Can you hold your worry?

Can you hold your loneliness?

Can you hold your joy?

Can you hold your well-being?

Your sense of well-being.

Can we hold ourselves just like a child wants to be held?

So it is with our emotion.

And then that's another form of communication.

That's a form of communication that says I accept you and I'm willing to be here with you.

Again,

Just like a child wants.

To feel held,

To feel accepted,

To feel nurtured.

It's okay to be you.

I'm going to be here no matter what.

Even if you completely fuck it up and get into all kinds of trouble,

I still love you no matter what.

I will be a good parent to myself,

To my emotional experience.

I will be the warm,

Stable base that every child needs to rest with,

Go out and explore the world and then come home to over and over again.

That's the process of this meditation that we're about to do.

Is it's a re-parenting process.

Learning how to be the parent in our world.

Perhaps the parent that we never had.

Many of us.

But that's not a ship that's sailed.

We can take charge of that process right now.

What's funny about this process is,

And many of you have experienced this if you've been coming to this class for a little while,

Is we can step into a literal conversation with our emotions.

There's some heads starting to nod.

It's wild.

But our bodies,

Like Nietzsche said,

Have more wisdom than our deepest philosophy.

They have information.

They are data processing machines from a certain point of view.

They have information for us.

In a practice we're about to do,

We're going to work with our emotional selves.

We're going to see that we tend to blend with our emotional selves,

Which is what blinds us to the communication that we're all in.

Because if anger comes up and then anger takes over and it's a situation that's like this,

Then I think I'm anger in that moment.

There's no space between me and the anger.

We'll get some space from our emotional experience so that we have some choices.

We have some options in terms of how we're relating to this emotion.

We'll see that we can shift our relationship to our emotions.

I think I might hate anger at the onset,

But I can ask that reaction within myself to just chill out for a second.

Let's see what else is there.

Let's explore this.

We can get down to a place through that process of just relaxing our reaction,

Relaxing our reaction,

Relaxing our reaction.

A place where we're actually willing to be accepting of something relatively intense.

From there,

I'll say this as quickly as I can.

With regards to difficult emotions,

There are really two categories.

They're either a hurt or a defense.

It's much more labyrinthian than that,

Of course,

But really those two categories are what we're working with at all times.

The hurt parts of us need,

In order to heal,

A communication that very much looks like parenting,

Very much looks like caring for,

Of holding,

Of tending to,

Of getting down on,

Bending down and getting eye level with that child.

What's going on with you today?

Why are you freaking out?

What can I do to help you?

When our defenses are like angry bodyguards that maybe in the heat of the moment don't make the best choices,

But wouldn't it be great if we could enter into a relationship with them that was more friendly?

An ally ship rather than you coming in and hijacking me and then look out world,

Here I come.

But if that bodyguard had a better sensibility and there was an open line of communication,

So the kind of communication our defenses need from us is one of befriending,

One of mutual appreciation.

That's the idea.

We'll put it into practice and just see how this dialogue goes today.

Is anybody due to meditation in the room?

Show of hands.

Awesome.

Welcome.

Welcome.

I'm glad you're here.

We begin by letting our seats be really heavy,

Our legs positioned in a way that they feel sustainable.

We'll practice for a good while,

But there will be a break in the middle.

But for reals,

Let your butt be heavy.

Feel that support of the earth.

Let the spine be long.

We want the collarbones to be wide and the heart to neither be concaving in or out.

So placing the hands at mid-thigh will help support that situation.

It's best if the neck is both long and straight,

So we'll find the length by lifting from the crown.

Top tips of the ears go directly upwards.

And then we'll find the straightness by tilting the forehead forward just a little bit,

Like half an inch.

It might feel good to let the chin move in towards the throat just a tiny,

Tiny bit as well.

Eyes gently closed.

Tongue can relax in its palate.

And you can begin by just welcoming yourself to the space of your practice.

You can communicate to yourself some useful things if you like,

Such as noticing how safe you are here,

That there's no threats.

Quite the opposite.

You're in an environment of goodness,

Of belonging with these family members that surround you.

You're in an environment that is built to support your well-being and your self-discovery.

And that is grand.

And then please begin taking big,

Deep belly breaths.

Breathing in through the nose and expanding the belly,

Breathing out through the nose or the mouth,

Very relaxed,

Non-ambitious,

Gentle,

Deep,

Long breaths with no forcing whatsoever.

This will automatically trigger our nervous system into winding down over the course of the next three minutes.

So keep breathing.

Keep breathing,

Alright.

Belly expanding like a balloon to the left,

To the right,

To the front,

To the back.

Belly expanding like a balloon to the left,

To the front,

To the back.

Just one more minute.

We're easing into meditative mode.

Becoming watchful of your thoughts,

Just directing your attention down to where the breath is moving in and out.

And then from here,

Moving up to the space of the heart,

Letting go of the deep breaths and just letting the breath return to its natural pace.

But now being mindful of the heart expanding on the inhale and dissolving on the exhale.

And then moving up to the space of the heart.

And then moving up to the space of the heart.

Okay.

For those of you who are new and for those of you who are not.

Make sure to let your breath go out and dissolve and leave space.

Leave space,

Let go of the breath entirely,

Leave space.

And when you feel the impulse to inhale,

Then you inhale,

But not until.

It might be a few seconds,

It might be short,

It might be long,

That space.

This is the only way I've ever found to actually quiet the thoughts,

To actually let go.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

So we're going to practice for a good while longer.

So optional to take a 10 second break here.

Or to move your legs or take a sip of tea.

And letting the body soften as you drop back in.

Drop back into the space of the heart,

Breathing.

Okay.

And please do not invite your deepest hurts or your fiercest rage to this party.

We want to keep this pretty manageable with the intensity that we can handle.

But begin just asking your body,

Asking your heart.

Is there some part of me,

Some emotional part of me that is wanting to come forward into the space of awareness,

Into this practice?

Is there some numb or upset or defensive experience that's needing my attention,

That's needing to be felt and understood?

So issue that invitation and just wait for the response.

And notice what begins to shift.

That's the responses.

Some sort of feeling coming into your awareness.

And there's also the physical aspect of that feeling,

The jaw getting tight or something getting heavy or maybe fist clenching or energy down the legs or heart heavy,

Heart closed.

And there might be parts of you saying,

Not today,

No way.

And that's valid.

That's a valid defensive part of you to be working with.

So if you're numbing out or if you're getting super distracted and lightheaded,

But there's just a general sense of resistance,

That's the part of you you're working with now.

So whatever is percolating for you,

Just allow it,

Make space for it.

Feel into it,

Accept it.

It's going to be okay.

But notice if you've blended with it,

If it feels like you're in the emotion as opposed to with it.

Or if there's a intuitive sense of there's space between you and the feeling.

And if there isn't space,

If it feels bound up,

Just breathe.

And without pushing this away,

See if you can get a little bit of space.

Breathe until there's a sense of space.

Okay.

All right.

There we go.

Okay,

And if you're still working on this step,

Then just stay here and continue trying to get some space.

And if there's space,

Begin noticing how you feel towards this emotion,

How you feel about the presence of this anger or worry or sadness or whatever it is.

Do you hate it?

Are you ashamed of it or wish it were some other way?

And can your reaction to this part of you just step to the side for a moment?

We're not going to have a good conversation if we start with resistance or anger or whatever,

You know,

Towards this part of us.

Can your reaction just move off to the side for a little while?

And then how are you feeling towards this emotional part of you now?

Is there compassion?

Is there openness or curiosity yet?

If not,

Can your reaction just relax and stand to the side?

And then can the next reaction stand to the side?

Can you feel back these layers until you find a space within you that is clear and open to being with this emotion?

Let the good parent in you come out to be with this part of you.

And notice,

Is this a hurt part of me that feels stomped on,

That feels disavowed in some way that I've tried to cut myself off from?

Or is this a part of me that's defensive,

That's reactionary,

That's trying to keep me safe in some way?

Like if you're numbing out or avoiding this,

That's a defense.

But if there's an upset about being disregarded in some way,

Then that's your child here.

And the image here is trying to take that child into your arms and looking her in the eyes and just,

You know,

What's wrong?

Tell me everything.

I'm just going to listen for once.

I'm so sorry.

And if it's a defense,

Then I want you to work on becoming friends with this part of you.

And maybe even asking this part of you,

What are you defending?

What do you think would happen if we were to let go?

And is there something I can do to help you relax?

There's something in those neighborhoods,

But the next couple minutes here,

Just talk to this emotional part of you.

You might be getting images,

You might get words,

You might just get feelings in the body,

But a compassionate interaction of some sort is the only way forward.

Okay.

Just 30 more seconds.

Okay.

And then wherever you are with this,

Simply invite your emotional parts,

Your entire inner system,

If you will.

Let your body know we're going to do this thing that is proven to help us relax and wind down.

And then begin taking belly breaths,

Just like we did in the beginning for a couple minutes.

Slow,

Deep,

Gentle.

In and out.

Okay.

Okay.

Keep going.

Feel the body shifting towards balance.

Every exhale winding down,

Closing back up,

Whatever was opened,

Setting it aside.

That's enough.

That's enough for today.

And then our next and final scientific method for restoring balance is referred to in the research as a fake ass smile.

Like a lobotomy patient,

Just let the mouth spread across the face,

Even if you don't want to,

And hold that for the duration of the bell.

Just transitioning gently back to the room.

Okay.

All right.

Reviews

🙏🏼🩵

I am at the early stages of discovering my parts and found this so helpful. Thank you 💓

Great meditation

I love this guy. First person I've followed through the app and looking forward to more. Thanks Ralph ❤

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am grateful for your guidance. I felt ease, love and compassion for my inner wounded child. Sending good wishes.

Opening to beliefs and emotions was a powerful and accesible way to acknowledge making space to meditate. Thank you 🙏

Just what I needed at this moment in my life when the feelings of guilt, regret and sadness were engulfing me to the point of self destruction. After listening to this, and caring for them as a child, I'll just leave them be for now and try to sleep for a bit! Thanks for this.

Amazing guidance . My experience this first time will not be my last as I plan to visit this again thank you very much.

Really enjoyed this

I was thinking about this, this weekend. Perfect. Thank you 🙏💛🎶

Seriously good talk and meditation. I started the session in all kinds of overwhelm and ended it feeling genuinely calmer, more in control and accepting. So good I listened to it twice, and shall be revisiting again many times over.

Thank you. 😊❤️🙏

Very helpful, deep and restorative. Thank you very much, Namaste 🙏

Amazing. Thank you from the deep of my heart for this work which surprised me and opened so many pathways, both emotionally and intellectually.

Extraordinarily helpful. Namaste.

Thanks for being real

This was profoundly helpful for me, thank you.🙏🏻

Amazing....this really resonated for me. Will be returning to this. Thank you

I enjoyed your frank, open and direct guidance. My fake ass smile turned into a full out giggle and belly laugh. Namaste

This agnostic Dharma talk and meditation brought my broken self back to the door of my home of inner family. The practice of dialog with my difficult emotions felt like breadcrumbs back out of the deep woods of my lost self. Thank you ... 😌🙏💎🔥🌈🌿💕✨✨

I am always amazed at how I am able to mine a new nugget of truth/insight every time I do this practice. There are always plenty of cringey, little ghosts patiently waiting their turn to be seen and heard. Getting better. Thank you.