Unpacking Perfectionism

While it's natural to want to do our best, perfectionism causes us to be overly self-critical and can hold us back from what we truly want.

Perfectionism is exhausting, impossible, unsustainable, and, driven by the fear of not being good enough, is detrimental to your sense of worth.

Listen to this episode to learn about:

1. The root causes of perfectionism

2. Practical steps you can take to overcome it

3. How to reframe perfectionist thoughts

Transcript

So this week we're unpacking perfectionism.

As a recovering perfectionist myself,

I remember I used to equate perfectionism with being perfect,

But the truth is perfectionism isn't really about being perfect,

It's about feeling perfect.

In hindsight,

I realised that I spent many years confusing high achieving behaviour with perfectionism.

You see,

If you're a high achiever,

You're a dedicated and determined individual with a strong desire and focus to accomplish whatever is important to you.

Once you achieve what you've set out to accomplish,

You gain personal gratification from your success.

You're certainly not concerned with what other people think of you,

And you're sure as hell not afraid of failure.

But if on the other hand,

You consider yourself a perfectionist,

You're more than likely driven by the desire to avoid failure.

But here's the thing I discovered quite late in life.

Perfectionists aren't really trying to be perfect.

They try with all their power to avoid the feeling of not being good enough.

And evading this feeling is what dictates much of this self-destructive behaviour,

And is what actually powers a negative belief that says,

If I look perfect,

Have the perfect career,

Live a perfect life and do everything perfectly,

I can control,

I can avoid,

And I can minimise painful feelings of shame and unworthiness.

So why would someone adopt perfectionist traits?

Where does perfectionism come from?

Well,

To answer this,

You need to take a step back into your past and reflect on the messages you received growing up.

When you know how and where your perfectionist tendencies were formed,

You can start to understand the ways that it shows up in the world and how you show up in the world today.

I mean,

If you think about it right from the word go,

You were judged and measured against a set of educational standards,

Starting from primary school exams or elementary school,

All the way through to your degree classification.

And have you noticed that there's been a constant raising of the bar,

Or at least here in the UK where I'm based,

When I was at school,

The highest mark you could achieve was an A.

But then an even higher standard to aim for was established quite recently in the last few years with the introduction of A stars.

So the educational system for me plays a key role in instilling this sense of failure or inadequacy if you don't achieve great results,

Which then feeds the idea that you must be perfect to be acceptable.

If you then add ineffective parenting to the mix,

You can start to see a clearer image of where perfectionism stems from.

For example,

If you grew up without feeling supported,

Or safe or nurtured,

It's very likely that you develop perfectionist ways of thinking and being.

In many cases,

Perfectionism can also be a response to childhood expectations and childhood trauma,

Where appearing perfect becomes a compulsory strategy to emotionally survive.

And vulnerability is a definite no no.

Maybe as a child,

You were told that what you were thinking or what you were doing or how you behaving was wrong.

Maybe you were shut down,

Told to be quiet or to stop crying when you experienced big feelings that you didn't quite understand yet.

Depending on how actualized your parents and caregivers were,

And because of their own personal issues,

Perhaps you were shamed for having a normal human reaction to life,

Or you were held to an impossibly high standard.

Maybe you tried to be perfect after your parents difficult divorce,

Because you believed the separation was somehow your fault.

So to diminish your feelings of guilt,

You formed a belief that never making mistakes would somehow prevent future family disruptions.

Or perhaps your sibling was the charismatic,

Sociable and funny one.

So you worked incredibly hard to gain attention and affection.

Maybe you were constantly criticized,

Dismissed,

Or invalidated by your parents.

So you threw yourself into your schoolwork and obsessed with getting good grades to distract yourself from the sadness and feelings of unworthiness that obviously come from feeling judged.

Whatever the case may be,

The habit of striving perfection was initially triggered by an unsettling situation and provided relief from a painful emotion.

So repeat this behavior over a few decades and you can see how you fossilize the habit of striving perfection to ease any painful situation or experience.

So it's no wonder that perfectionism shows up in your adult life.

If this is you,

Then I invite you to show yourself compassion,

To be kind to yourself,

And to know that your perfectionism is a protection mechanism that you adopted as a child to be able to survive the pain of being shamed or measured by impossibly high standards,

Which then translated to you trying to be the best at everything,

And possibly even entering a state of panic when you weren't.

Subconsciously,

You use perfectionism as an impenetrable shield so no arrow of criticism can get through.

So let's quickly look at perfectionism and low self-worth.

So you see,

Although it may have served well as a shielding mechanism when you were a child,

Perfectionism is actually exhausting,

Impossible,

Unsustainable,

And driven by the fear of not being good enough,

It's actually really detrimental to your sense of worth.

So ask yourself these questions.

Do you believe that whatever you do is never good enough?

Do you feel inadequate or unacceptable unless you're perfect?

Do you set yourself ridiculously high standards and judge yourself against them?

Are you super critical and only focus on mistakes?

When you understand why you identify as a perfectionist,

And when you understand that it no longer serves you,

You can then invite the possibility of meeting life in a different way.

You don't need to set high standards for yourself only to experience strong feelings of shame and self-criticism when you don't measure up.

So I want to offer you some practical steps to overcome perfectionism.

One,

Become aware of black or white or all or nothing thinking.

Just know there's a wide tapestry of grey areas between 100% perfect and completely imperfect.

Two,

Focus on your successes and the positives in what you do.

Allow yourself to enjoy these achievements.

Three,

Practice self-compassion whenever you give yourself a hard time because you think you failed at something.

Four,

Be aware of the impact your perfectionism may have on others.

Do you expect others to meet your impossibly high standards?

Five,

Pay attention to moments when you're reluctant to delegate,

Whether at home or at work,

Because you feel you're the only one who can get something done to your high standards.

Remember,

Not only does this put pressure on you to do everything,

But it also makes people around you feel useless and inadequate.

So if you're ready to move forward and discover new ways of being that gently raise your self-worth,

I invite you to download my free PDF guide,

Powerful Tools and Practices to Boost Your Self-Worth.

You can find the link to this in the episode notes.

And just to finish off,

I just want to give you some practical ways that you can reframe perfectionism.

So next time you find yourself saying the following,

Try to reframe them.

Example,

I could have done better.

Reframe by saying,

I did my best and learned how to do better.

And you find yourself saying,

I feel like a failure.

Reframe by saying,

I'm not defined by my achievements.

If you find yourself saying,

I need to be good at everything I do,

Reframe by saying,

I embrace getting out of my comfort zone.

This needs to be perfect could be reframed as done is better than perfect.

And lastly,

When you find yourself saying,

I'm so overwhelmed,

I don't know where to start reframe by saying,

What's the very first step I can take?

I'd love to hear your thoughts or any questions that this topic has raised.

So please leave comments.

Reviews

Very thought provoking. I’ve never considered myself a perfectionist because my family always told me i failed so i would try even harder. Now I don’t know how to feel my emotions and enjoy myself. I feel like I need to explain myself to them.
My brother and I are trying to take care of my Mom (94) and yet we were both raised by alcoholic parents. My brother denies it but I’m in Al-Anon. I think he’s terrified that he would then have to face that he’s an alcoholic too because he was quite a drinker until he hit me several times in a drunken rage, and after I called the cops, they took him away. I had the wherewithal to record on my phone part of his rant so I won’t dismiss it because they are superior at gaslighting me.
Since my youth, my family always said I did everything wrong. With your program, it’s not all my fault. I look forward to the rest of your episodes.
Blessings to you.
Warmly, Anne

You explained this topic so well. I learned a lot. Thank you.

Incredibly insightful, and I appreciate the self talk tips. Thank you for this!🌸

Alghough I was aware of this, now it mskes more senss than ever. Thank you!

Thank you. I am struggling with this. I had never seen it as a problem before but now I have to learn a language and it's suddenly very clear I have a big issue to address. I study but cannot speak then I give up. Then start again and hit the wall again because I can't speak. The shame is excruciating and everyone around me is saying Oh just get on with it. This was a helpful talk, I will listen again. I didn't have a safe childhood so know the source but just can't break free. Thank you for this, at least now I understand what the issue is and that I could stop sabotaging myself with a bit more self love and compassion.

Helpful 😊 thank you so much 😊

A big reminder! 🙏

Too good

So many insights, thank you 💖

Wow, that was so thoughtfully constructed and presented, ironically perfect. It hit every mark and allowed me to acknowledge the challenge of my own perfection so that I might go forward in life with greater awareness. My experience of this talk left me feeling untethered by a self-constructed bondage that has held me back. Thank you.

Thank you for the insightful talk. I learnt so much 💫