Integrating Wholeness & Internal Family Systems

A part is not just a temporary emotional state or habitual thought pattern. Instead, it is a discrete and autonomous mental system that has an idiosyncratic range of emotion, style of expression, set of abilities, desires, and view of the world. In other words, it is as if we each contain a society of people, each of whom is at a different age and has different interests, talents, and temperaments. We have an opportunity to integrate our parts for more wholeness.

Transcript

And this week's talk is of one on the wholeness of individual expression and of wholeness of the mind and understanding the mind is multiple and that each day brings something new to the experience.

You know I believe that it's the task of the individual to find wholeness,

Not goodness,

Not purity,

Not happiness,

Not ecstasy but to come full circle into the wholeness of sentience.

And so before I begin to speak on today's subject of the multiplicity of the mind and the emotional body,

I will read to you a writing that came through me about a year ago when I was in a space of manic up and down.

You know moving in and out of hypovigilance and hypervigilance meaning numbing out or dissociating from my experience or having these manic highs of excitement and ecstasy.

And learning to find that middle space,

That window of tolerance,

That space of neutrality and homeostasis where I welcomed in whatever was present and I allowed myself to simply be.

And so the writing goes this,

I awaken but how am I to know if I was ever asleep?

Here I am again either way.

In the awakened world I recognize I am alone in this bed and it is much larger than my compact body.

I begin to lengthen myself.

It feels inviting to stretch my limbs and yawn,

Sound so welcomed.

I take up space in all the spaces here that are empty and I roll around.

I choose to begin this day with play.

I am a child in this moment.

I laugh.

I enjoy the sound of my own laugh.

I continue.

Because I can.

I can also feel the touch of cotton on my naked body.

I love this skin.

I love the ability to be able to feel.

And slowly I begin to open my eyes.

I see myself.

I see the room.

I see the light peeking through the drawn curtains.

I hold my arms up against the light.

I can almost see through my fingertips.

I am translucent.

I enjoy the magic of the human experience.

How incredible this body is that I have woken up into.

Again.

What a gift.

And in that I enjoy my aloneness.

This time is precious.

Moments to know myself deeper I smile.

The light begins to softly touch my face and I remember my favorite Japanese word.

Komo Rebi.

Komo Rebi.

A interplay of sunlight when it is filtered through the leaves of the trees.

It can also mean a melancholic longing or nostalgia for a person,

Place or thing that is far from you.

And a welcomed heaviness settles into my bones.

The scene has changed.

It's not a scene of sadness,

Grief,

Remorse or pain but one with ample weight almost binding me to the earth somehow holding me there,

Cradling me in the early morning,

Receiving me.

And I know in that moment that the girl that I was then is not the one that awoke today and I know that tomorrow who awakens will not be the one who is here in the present moment.

So I stay.

And breathe.

And settle.

Into the depths of myself in this moment,

For this is all I have with you.

This part of me.

I dance slowly there in my stillness with the sunlight streaming in through my windows.

And I love this part of self that has arrived today.

Good morning my love.

What is it you would like to experience in this world today?

So we shall.

So as we journey into deeper healing of big self with little selves,

We begin to understand the perplexity of the human mind and understand that there is a multiplicity that exists here.

That I is not singular and that I am a world within a world.

That I am a universe of experiences.

What I want to pull into today's talk is the wonderful methodology that we've been gifted in this world through Internal Family Systems.

Internal Family Systems is a specific type of therapy that was introduced and created by Richard Schwartz.

And this type of therapy looks at the mind as multiple and recognizes it as so.

In a world of pathologizing and placing ourselves into boxes and placing others into boxes,

There is goodness in this and intention and I understand.

But the reality is that as multiplicity in our beings,

We're not able to just be one thing.

Even in one time.

There are multiple parts of us playing out in any dynamic whether it's with self or other.

Meaning that we have so many sub parts of the psyche.

I am not a mad person or a sad person or a broken person or a joyful person.

I experience joy.

I experience anger.

I experience sadness.

I experience moments of brokenness.

But the reality is that we are the essence of truth and truth is intangible.

And the part of us that is us,

The part of us that takes on our characteristics is still undefinable.

There is exploration into the psyche that still can't define the limits and the expansiveness that exists within each of us.

Within Internal Family Systems,

What Richard Schwartz has created in this type of therapy and even if you were to never see an IFS therapist,

What I offer to you today is a unique way of looking at yourselves.

Instead of waking up in the morning and saying,

How am I doing today?

How are we doing today?

Who's present?

What parts are alive?

Which parts feel vital?

Which parts feel asleep?

And a part is not just a temporary emotional state or habitual thought pattern.

Instead it is a discrete and autonomous mental system that has an idiosyncratic range of emotion,

Style of expression,

Set of abilities,

Desires and view of the world.

In other words,

It is as if we see each part to contain a society of people,

Each of whom is at a different age and has different interests,

Talents and temperaments.

How wild is this to imagine?

Meaning myself as an experience,

There are echoes of me and how proper is the name,

But there is the small child and the adolescent and the teenager and the young woman and the elder.

They exist all within me,

These parts,

And at any given time one can kind of take the wheel.

And this is why at times we use phrases like I'm out of control or I've lost my mind or I don't know who I am.

But if we take in this framework that we are an internal family and we begin to understand the substructure of the sub psyche and understand that there is multiplicity here,

It kind of gives us that this is much bigger than me.

This is a we.

And what's to note here in internal family systems is you're invited to look at little self and big self leadership.

When I'm leading from big self leadership,

What they say in internal family systems is the eight C's of self leadership.

So the big self,

Which is calmness,

Curiosity,

Compassion,

Confidence,

Courage,

Clarity,

Connectedness and creativity.

And I'll come back to how the eight C's come into play when it comes to self leadership.

But if you think about this,

When I am connected with my higher self,

With the center of truth,

With the Godhead,

Whatever it may be that you see as that thing that exists that's bigger than you,

There's a calmness that starts from here.

I am centered.

I am calm.

I'm not manically up.

I'm not checked out.

I'm present.

There is intention here.

And there's a curiosity.

And as we go further and deeper,

We get into the other C's of compassion and confidence and courage and clarity and connectedness and creativity.

But what I want to note here is when we're working with internal family systems,

And we begin to acknowledge that there are these different sub structures of the psyche,

We begin to understand that they each have their role and they have good intention.

And the parts that I want to speak to,

Of course,

The ones that we hear very often in shadow work and work with Tantra,

And with neuroscience and psychology and somatics is the exile,

Which also can be known as the inner child,

Which has also been,

You know,

Wrapped into shadow work.

But what's to understand about the exiles?

The exile is the most vulnerable part of you,

The part that maybe you don't even have access to the part that maybe when you try to touch,

You cry or you scream or your anger comes online or your isolation comes online because you don't know how to have a relationship with this part of self.

What is in front of the exile are the parts known as the protectors within internal family systems and the protectors are divided into these subgroups of managers and firefighters.

What's important to note here is that when we get into healing work,

A lot of times we want to run immediately to the exile.

We want to hold the exile,

We want to nurture the exile.

Maybe it's the inner child,

Maybe it's the inner adolescent,

Maybe it's the young 20 something that had their heart broken.

But that vulnerable part of us that's almost inaccessible even to ourself,

Our higher self,

We must tread lightly when we go there.

Meaning when we acknowledge that these other parts exist,

These protectors that are subdivided into the managers and the firefighters,

We communicate with them first.

We go into meditations,

We visualize,

We give them identities.

They have faces,

Textures,

Maybe smells,

Names.

And we ask the protector,

Which the protector is generally our managing protector.

The manager is looking into the future.

They're doing all the cleanup,

The people pleasing,

They're doing what they can do to make sure that the exile stays at bay.

What can they do to manage and control their situation?

The manager might be OCD,

The manager might be very strict,

The manager might put up lots of boundaries around the heart and say,

Stay away from me,

Stay away from us.

I want to make sure that my exile is safe.

So love is not safe.

I've learned from childhood,

Love is not safe.

So the manager looks into the future and thinks,

What could be something that could cause pain for my exile and how do I alleviate it?

So there are good intentions there,

But what can happen is the manager can make us overbearing,

Can make us graspy.

It could create isolation and dissociation because it says,

Well,

If I just check out and I'm absent,

Then my exile won't come up and won't be hurt because no one can get too close or that we can become very strict as the managing protector.

I need this,

Be very grasping and ask for too much and have high expectations and if I meet all of these things,

Maybe I can take care of my exile.

The firefighter on the other hand is the protecting part that is prone to addictive behaviors because the firefighter doesn't care about the future.

It only cares about the present moment and what does it need to do in the present moment to not have the exile feel his or her pain.

So the firefighter might jump into substances,

It might jump into love addiction,

Sexual addictions,

It might jump into wanting to be in love in a new way every single day,

It might jump into extreme sports,

It might jump into drinking too much.

And this also has good intentions.

We have to look at the firefighter,

Look at that addictive personality and see the beauty in it and think,

Oh,

This part of me that jumps into this addictive personality or these extremes wants to protect the exile.

It's just the forefront of the experience and it's protecting the vulnerable part that sits behind.

And so what we do in internal family systems with IFS therapy is we begin to unburden the protective parts.

We go into visualization,

We sit with ourselves,

We meet the managers,

We meet the firefighters,

We notice if there's one protector or two protectors or dozens of protectors and we have conversations with them over days and months and years.

And we don't run ahead and immediately run to the exile.

We sit with the managers and the protectors and these firefighters and we say,

Aren't you tired?

Aren't you tired of distracting the exile?

Aren't you tired of protecting the exile?

Aren't you tired of creating all these strategies and coping mechanisms?

What can I do to unburden you?

How can I take on some of the responsibility as the higher self to alleviate you of your roles and to give more strength to this exile to take care of themselves so that we can all live together in harmony?

And this takes time.

So this comes back to self leadership.

First I approach my protectors with calmness.

I take time there.

I remain in my center.

I get curious.

I ask them,

What do you need?

How do I unburden you?

I have compassion for them.

Oh,

This is why that addictive behavior is there.

This is why that grasping behavior is there.

This is why that need for lots of boundaries is there.

Then I have confidence.

Once I have come here many times with that calmness,

That curiosity,

That compassion,

Then I gain confidence that I might be able to approach the exile.

I might be able to understand that part of myself.

The next C is courage.

I might be confident here to have the courage to approach my exile and say,

Hey,

I have clarity now.

I understand why you're afraid.

I understand why you're hiding away.

I understand why I have been so afraid and vulnerable to approach you.

And then the next C comes in connectedness.

I can connect with you with this clarity.

And then the last C of self leadership is creativity.

Once I have all of these seven C's,

The eight C,

Which is creativity,

I become an ally with my exile.

I'm no longer hiding this part of myself or repressing it or suppressing it.

I am saying I see you.

I understand you.

I feel you.

I accept you as you are.

Your pain is my pain.

And let's get creative about how we can step forward into the light and we can be vulnerable.

We can open up those walls that we've built so high.

We can stop grasping and looking for our needs to be met outside of ourselves.

And we together can be creative and step forward as allies.

And we can be a part of the internal family.

Now we can come into harmony.

So why this is so important,

And even again if you never do this specific type of therapy,

Sit with yourselves.

Close your eyes.

Ask yourself,

What is it that I am unwilling to feel?

What parts of me do I still not accept?

Because how can I ever ask somebody to fully love me and accept me if I don't fully love and accept myself?

This is the bridge from the healing of trauma into the embodiment of Tantra.

Because when I fully see myself and the multiplicity of my experience and I acknowledge that everything is sacred,

My addictions are sacred,

My grasping has been sacred,

My barriers and boundaries to nourishment and fulfillment have been sacred.

They're not something to have shame around or guilt,

But they are protecting different parts of the selves which are all a part of the essential truth of self.

And how can any part of big S self be bad?

How can it be negative?

And when we can begin to touch into our shadows and speak to our exiles with that calmness,

That curiosity,

That courage,

That confidence,

That clarity,

That connectedness,

That creativity,

We can begin to touch those parts of others,

Not in a righteous way of I see this in you because I know it and recognize it in myself,

But with love and empathy,

Without righteousness but like coming to someone and saying I see the humanity in you,

I see the selves in you and understanding there is no other.

How do I communicate with others?

Well there is no other.

We're all a part of the system and so when we begin to sit and close the eyes and ask ourselves these questions,

What am I unwilling to feel,

What am I protecting,

Why am I building walls,

Why am I jumping into activities that do not serve me,

Addictive behaviors,

Impulsive behaviors,

And how can I settle?

How can I settle into the multiplicity of my being and when I wake up each morning,

Afternoon,

Evening,

Whatever time it is during the day,

Can I ask myself what is it that we need today?

Acknowledging the universe within the universe and the universe within the universe in front of you and each and every person that you love and that you will love and that you will be loved by.

How can I support the multiplicity of you and how can you support the multiplicity of me because I'm not going to show up every day the same as the day before and if I did,

Wouldn't that be tragic?

Because to live in this experience is to grow.

I am changing and evolving each and every day.

Let me.

Let me change.

Let myself let me change.

How challenging is it for us to believe that we've changed,

That we are now lovable,

That we are worthy,

That we are respected,

That we do have the right to take up space,

That we are abundant.

These systems that exist in the mind get so ingrained and engraved in the walls of our psyche that we even tell ourselves,

No,

It can't be true.

I'm not lovable.

I'm not worthy.

I'm not safe.

So find those selves that protect you,

That manage you.

Find your exiles.

Learn to communicate with them each and every day and change your internal dialogue.

Change it to one of safety,

Of love,

Of connection,

Of curiosity,

Of compassion and allow yourself to step forward in a more wholesome way,

Not joyful,

Not perfect,

Not pristine,

But whole.

And that's how we step from our wounds into our wisdom,

From our traumas into our tantric embodiment.

So take time after this lecture to sit with yourself,

Preferably on the earth beneath the sunshine or the rain or the starry skies.

Connect your feet to the earth.

Tune into your psyche.

Begin to walk the corridors of your mind and ask questions.

Get curious.

Where are my managers?

Where are my protectors?

Where is my exile hiding?

Visualize,

Paint it,

Write poetry of it,

Dance it out and get excited about the expansiveness,

The multiplicity of you,

Of all yourselves.

And there's so much to learn here.

Tread lightly and compassionately.

Reviews

What a beautiful way to think about one’s self. Thank you 💫💕

The clarity of how she explained IFS was one of the best I have heard.

This was just what I needed to hear. Thank you. 🙏🏼💖💕

Your talks and meditations have brought my attention to NVC and IFS and appreciate you for that. I have begun my healing in part because of your wisdom and experience.

That was the most beautiful 20 minutes I've had. If only I had heard this year's ago. But no time to live in the past. Thank you for opening up and sharing all you have learned. I cried nearly the whole time. All of my questions that popped into my head were answered. 👌 🙏 ♥ 10/10 would cry again 😂 thank you.

Thank for talking about these topics and posting content & truth°•♡°•☆💫
🙏🏼 °• 🪷

This is very useful and helpful thank you so much for presenting this concisely and wholely. I have experienced IFS therapists who make it so tortuously slow and drawn out that I lose patience and stop. This works much better for me thank you!

Beautiful rendition of IFS parts work! Your reading is so lovely and poignant. I also love how you suggest elaborating the 8 c’s as you interact with the exiles, that’s a nice way to build that self to part relationship. I look forward to learning more from you! Thank you! 🙏

Nurturing, insightful, poetic, beautiful, healing, and supportive 🙏🏼

Loved the imagery in your story. Always enjoy your talks here and in your online yoga classes.
Deep material here to slowly chew on ♥️

Will listen again. I feel so fractured, shamed etc but this talk makes sense and I’m curious to practice getting to know my parts with compassionate inquiry. Thank you!

echo u are enlightening and you grow my awareness & capability to heal <3

Thanks 4 bringing that all together and making it understandable. 🤍

Thank you for doing the work and sharing it with us all. 🧡

Thank you!!! Such good learnings to take in and work on being aware of 💜🌷💜🌷