How To Transform Unsafe Relationships: Shifting Trauma Bonds

Each relationship has the potential to be a relationship of growth and healing. Unfortunately, at times we find ourselves stuck, unable to share vulnerably, unable to speak truth, and unable to fulfill unspoken desires. Learning how to express our needs, our desires, and our boundaries is incredibly important to create a balanced system that runs not on hierarchy, but harmony. How can we transform mundane relationships into deep portals of growth, healing, and ecstasy?

Transcript

So let's go ahead and start by closing the eyes down,

Either sitting or lying down,

However the body feels the most comfortable and supported today.

Making a choice for what is going to feel as supportive as possible for your body today and receiving this information.

Come into deep awareness of breath,

So equal inhalations and exhalations through the nostrils.

Let the breath begin at and below the navel,

Letting the belly bulb out,

So let go of flattening the stomach muscles.

And let the inhalation travel from the belly up through the diaphragm,

Across the ribcage and across the chest.

And nice smooth inhalations and exhalations to fully arrive.

And you can stay and remain with closed eyes throughout this talk,

Concentrating on the breath and relaxing the body,

Releasing any tension or contraction,

Reminding yourself to receive from life,

To receive from the breath.

Or if it feels more comfortable for you to open the eyes and orient yourself in the space through vision,

Feel free to do so.

So this conversation on creating a safe relationship and more importantly on transforming an unsafe relationship,

I wanted to speak to this topic because I feel that for myself,

I have spent many,

Many years in my adult life with a misunderstanding of what an intimate relationship meant and the expectations from an intimate relationship.

And this talk is not just on intimacy in terms of sexuality and romantic partnerships,

But any relationship in which we are truly expressing ourselves or at least trying to,

We have the desire to,

Which I would imagine is most relationships.

Maybe we have some boundaries with strangers or our coworkers.

But intimacy is that deep connection to somebody.

We are trusting them with our truth and with our vulnerability.

So when I speak to intimacy in relationships and creating a safe relationship,

It has to do with,

Do you feel safe enough to speak your truth?

Do you feel safe enough to express yourself as you are?

And something that happens so much in relationships,

Whether they are romantic or they are friendly,

Is that we believe that we're being present with somebody.

We believe that our presence means that we are present.

And there's a difference between presence and attention.

So meaning that I can be sitting in front of you and I could be looking at you and I could be reflecting back your words.

And you may think that this is presence,

But if there is fear in me,

If I fear that I can't be myself or that you will not like me if I am myself,

Then most likely what I'm doing is I'm being attentive to you and being reflective.

Meaning that you may see that my presence is there,

I'm reflecting back,

I'm not speaking when you're speaking.

So you think that we are having this reciprocity between us.

But in reality,

If I am fearful inside and I don't know my own truth,

I don't know how to express myself,

Then I could be attentive to what it is that I think that you want to hear from me,

What it is that you would like to receive from me.

Now the difference in this is if I'm being present with you and I'm in my breath and I'm in my body and I fully know my yes and I fully know my no and I have an idea of who I am and I'm authentically expressing,

Then when I am present with you,

I'm simply listening,

I'm breathing.

But when I'm attentive,

When I am reflecting what you're saying to me,

There is a hyper vigilance that comes in with this where I am tracking every body language that you're giving me,

Everything that you're giving me through your words and your pauses.

And I want to reflect back to you whatever it may be that will help me to feel accepted,

To feel that I'm belonging.

And so many relationships relate in this way.

And it might not be,

You know,

Months or years before we realize this about ourselves or about our partner.

And this can be wildly unsettling when it comes to fruition,

When it comes to the surface.

And what can be even more difficult is when both partners are doing this.

So say one partner is authentic and they're in their center,

They know their truth,

They're expressing,

They feel that their partner is also there with them,

That their partner is simply attuning to them,

Being attentive to them,

Reflecting back to them what they think that they need in order to feel loved and belonging.

When that comes to the surface,

Generally through overwhelm or shutdown of the partner that's not connected to their own truth,

It can be very confusing for the partner that wasn't aware that there was this unsettled nature inside of their partner or their friend.

So how do we create a safe relationship so that this doesn't happen?

A lot of times,

We might unconsciously not create safety in our relationships because when our partner is attentive to us,

When they are giving to us what we need or what we think that we need,

We don't want to rock the boat.

But to create a safe relationship,

We want our partner in their power.

And that means we want our partner to be able to say no to us.

We want our partner to be able to say a full yes to us.

We want our partner to be able to say no to someone else.

And for so many of us,

We might like when our partner has boundaries with someone else,

But we might not like it so much when they have boundaries with us.

And this creates the basis for an unsafe relationship.

If I don't know what my no is,

Then I don't know really what my yes is.

And if I'm giving you a yes and I'm giving you a no,

But I don't know what my no is and I don't know what my yes is,

Then most likely at some point,

I'm going to disappoint you because I'm going to break my own boundary.

I'm going to become overwhelmed or I'm going to shut down.

And I might feel a lot of shame and guilt for that because I'm unaware of what's happening internally for me because I'm attuning so much to what I think you need and what I need to do to remain in the relationship.

So what we can do in our relationships to create safety is to discuss boundaries,

To figure out what our boundaries are.

For a lot of us in relationship,

We might not even have any boundaries.

We might think,

No,

I'm chill.

Everything's okay.

I'm relaxed.

But it's not about being chill or relaxed.

It's about feeling comfortable within the world that you're creating with somebody relationally.

If you aren't creating boundaries,

You're bound to burn yourself out relationally.

If there is not a reciprocity in the relationship with giving and taking,

When one person has many boundaries and another has none,

At some point,

The partner that is giving,

Giving,

Giving is going to shut down.

And at some point,

Most likely,

The partner that is taking,

Taking,

Taking without being conscious of it is going to feel very guilty when their partner shuts down or they may become defensive as well.

They may become very defensive.

You didn't tell me.

I didn't know.

I can't read your mind.

So how do we keep from this situation?

It's about discussing boundaries.

If you don't know what your boundaries are,

Researching,

Finding what are healthy boundaries within an intimate relationship or a friendship or relationship with parents.

It's about learning to express needs and desires.

It's also about creating spaciousness in relationship.

You might notice that the more you spend time with somebody,

You love them and you love spending time with them but the system gets irritable.

And your nervous system,

Your body,

Yourself,

It needs connection to you and it's almost and it is like self-regulating in regards to if you do not take space,

It will make space meaning it will start to create irritability or grumpiness or moodiness or sleepiness to create some spatial distance between you and your friend or your partner so that you can self-regulate.

So it's beautiful to be in harmony.

It's beautiful to be in connection.

It's wonderful to be in relationship but it's also important to be in relationship with ourselves.

So it's important to know how much time are you spending alone?

How much time are you spending with yourself?

Because this is when you open your channel to life,

To God,

To nature,

To the Godhead,

Whatever you want to call it and if you're constantly in connection and in service to your relationship,

You lose the bridge to yourself.

So it's important to discuss boundaries.

It's important to place boundaries even if they're not comfortable,

Even if you have quite a dependent relationship where you really need one another,

You think that you need one another's presence all the time,

It's important to create some spaciousness for your own desires,

Your own artistry,

Your own meditation practice,

Your own work.

You know,

We have things and purpose to work with as well.

And we need to check in with this regularly because we might lift a boundary or place a boundary and it doesn't work in certain circumstances when we're traveling or when we're living together,

When we take spaciousness.

We might have to shift around so it's good to check in like each day and it can be a question like,

Is there anything that you're feeling today that you want to share?

And then letting your partner or your friend know and then offering,

Is there anything that I can do to be supportive?

If they're moving through something challenging or difficult,

We can offer like,

Is there something I could do to be supportive?

And also making sure that if we have a people-pleasing tendency that it's not that we're wanting to save them or to be their hero,

But we're just offering,

You know,

I know that you're capable of holding yourself and how can I offer support in a way that is supportive to your process?

We also need to look at the ways in which we judge and we criticize.

A lot of times when we're in partnership,

We might have a tendency to date potential.

We see something in our partner that we want to embellish,

That we want to shine a little bit.

We see that they have a natural gift and we want to help them raise their voices up or we see that they have a tendency to people-please,

We want to empower them.

But the reality is that we each have to make our own sovereign choices.

It's important that we don't parent our partners or our friends,

That we don't pathologize our partners or our friends,

That we offer observations and we can say,

Okay,

I noticed that when X,

Y,

And Z happens that this is what comes up for me.

So I can say,

You know,

I notice when I see people ask a lot of you and you don't give a boundary to them of your time,

It brings up stress in my nervous system because I feel from the past that when this happens for you over and over and over,

Sometimes you experience agitation and irritation when you've worked too hard and then sometimes that agitation gets projected towards me.

And then we can reflect,

I'm fearing a bit that when you don't hold these boundaries that it might touch our relationship in a way that will move us further away from each other.

So we find loving ways to say things,

Not like you're a pushover,

You're a people-pleaser,

People take advantage of you,

Your friends don't even like you,

They're just using you.

This is not helpful.

We need to really look at our communication and see,

Is what I'm communicating,

Am I communicating it in a way that is righteous or am I communicating it in a way that's going to bridge me back to this person's heart?

And so if we truly learn to love our partners and our friends from a place that's deeply in our hearts,

It's embedded in our heart and not our wounds,

We learn to communicate in a way that empowers them and doesn't judge them because we don't,

The worst thing that we could do for our partners and friends is to add more shame and guilt to an already shamed regime of culture.

We live in a culture that thrives off of shaming us and guilting us into losing weight,

Into gaining muscle,

Into being smarter,

Into being more beautiful,

Into being a better speaker,

Into being a better meditator,

Into this capitalistic perspective of better,

Better,

Better,

Not enough,

Not enough,

Not enough.

And so the last thing that we want to do is to bring that scarcity mindset into our relationships.

So first steps,

Knowing our boundaries,

Knowing our needs,

Knowing our desires,

Learning to speak them from an empathetic and nonviolent place,

Making sure that our communication is one that bridges us back to one another's heart and is not judgmental or criticizing and also to share our own feelings.

It's important when we are in conflict,

Especially in unsafe relationships that we're not just pointing out what the other person is doing,

Even if there's truth to it,

Even if when you walk away and you're being avoided and you do this or when you're needy and you're coming forward and you're asking for too much,

You may feel those things.

But if you could speak about your own feelings and say,

When I don't hear from you for a few days,

I fear that I've lost you.

When I don't hear from you for a while,

I get scared because I love you so deeply and it's important to me to be able to communicate with you.

Or on the other side of things,

When you're calling me all the time,

It puts a lot of pressure on me.

When you're writing me and texting me all day,

It's hard for me to concentrate on the things that I want to do and I fear that if I don't write back to you or if I don't immediately respond to your calls that you're going to be upset with me and that there's going to be space between us because you're going to be mad at me.

So there are ways to speak about your own boundaries,

To speak about your own feelings and to say,

This is what I feel when this happens.

This is what happens in my body,

In my mind,

In my heart.

And it's also really important that we learn to respect boundaries.

You know,

If a partner has said that we're texting,

Like our texting them constantly is bringing up anxiousness in their body or they're not able to focus on work,

We need to really log that and respect how we're communicating with them.

On the other side of things,

If our partner has explained that they're feeling our distance when we're not speaking to them for days and days and maybe weeks on end,

That we check in with them,

That we make an effort to let them know that we've heard them,

That this hurts them because we don't want to hurt our friends and partners.

If they're telling us that something that we're doing is bringing up pain in our system,

It's not about feeling guilty or shameful for it,

But it's about empathizing.

This is another thing that I want to speak to in unsafe relationships.

It's important to know our partner's capacities and capabilities.

For some of us,

Empathy is very embodied.

It's a part of the way that we process our emotional connections.

And this isn't to generalize,

But those that connect more deeply with our feminine poles and that can be in a male body or a female body,

We generally are more connected to empathy.

And for those that connect more with the masculine that are holding space,

That are,

You know,

Holding steady and sturdy,

It might not be as easy to empathize.

And also when we're connecting with somebody,

And these days this term has been used,

I'm sure many of you have heard it,

When we're connecting with somebody that has neurodiversity,

It's also very different on the spectrum with how people with neurodiversity experience empathy and are able to give empathy.

So it's also important to inquire for ourselves if we have a difficulty in empathizing.

And empathy is very different than sensitivity.

So when we say,

No,

No,

I definitely,

I'm very empathetic,

I'm super sensitive.

This is very different.

Being sensitive means that you're very aware of your own upset,

Your own inner world.

You might be very sensitive to the light or textures or sound or smell.

You're very aware of that.

So you see yourself as a very sensitive being.

Empathy on the other hand,

Is that you truly can step into the other person's shoes.

And when someone is telling a story,

You can feel it in your own body,

The grief that they're expressing or the ecstasy or the rage or the sadness,

Whatever it may be,

You can feel it deeply.

And maybe even much so that you have to protect yourself and make sure that you don't have unmanaged empathy where you get pulled into everyone's sadness or grief or rage.

So if there is disparity in your relationship with one partner,

Really connected to their emotions and maybe even sometimes overflowing in them,

It might be good for that partner to sit with,

Okay,

What is mine and what's my partner's?

Because your partner is not responsible for all of your emotions.

If you're a very emotional being and your partner is not,

Then it's also important to look at where are these emotions coming in from you.

If you're feeling abandoned,

If you're feeling lost,

If you're feeling like you're not belonging,

It's important to look at what's happening within you.

What stories are coming up that you need to sit with in order to understand how to bring yourself back to center when these emotions possess you in a way.

And also on the other side of the spectrum,

If you have a real difficulty empathizing,

It's important to seek help and to ask around and inquire within yourself,

Okay,

Am I processing things neurologically in a way that's different than others around me?

Or is there a dissociation,

Am I numb?

Is there a part of me that's numb to these feelings because of associated trauma that's happened in the past or shut down or overwhelmed?

So it's important to look on both sides of the spectrum,

Those of us that feel so deeply and get consumed by the emotions and those of us that have a difficulty empathizing,

That have a difficulty crying,

That have a difficulty sharing our feelings.

And there's neither right nor wrong.

It's about finding that middle place.

How can we support each other?

And sometimes,

You know,

Transforming an unsafe relationship is leaving the relationship when we understand that we don't have the capacity on either end of the spectrum to hold space for what our partner truly needs to feel safe in a relationship.

If we have one partner that's constantly chasing and another partner that's constantly running away,

This is exhausting for both nervous systems.

There has to be some give and take on either side to come back together.

So it's important to know,

When do we let go?

You know,

If love,

It's a beautiful thing.

And I don't believe that we ever stop truly loving the people that we love.

But love isn't enough,

In a sense.

Love is a beautiful starting point.

You know,

Love is the key to the door.

And love is the entrance.

You know,

We get the ticket into the work.

We get the ticket into the party,

Into the convention.

But then comes the boundaries and desires and the choices and the consistency every day to show up and say,

I choose this.

You know,

The rest of it is all the work that we do.

The love is just the beginning.

So I think when,

Or I feel,

At least for myself,

When I see people holding on to a connection because they say,

There's so much love,

I feel so much depth here,

I can't walk away.

It brings up pain and sadness in my system that we don't know how to let go when it's the right moment.

And that we also don't know how to stay when it's the right moment.

It's both.

We only know for ourselves.

We have to intuitively check into that with ourselves because the other side of the coin is it's so easy to run away when things get complicated.

And so it's to say,

Stay and see what you can do on either side to not compromise but get creative.

Because I do believe no one should have to compromise their needs.

Everyone should be able to feel safe and fulfilled and satisfied with the relationship in a way that supports their own individual growth and their growth as a couple.

So you stay and you move through it and you get help and therapy is wonderful for couples.

It doesn't mean that something's wrong with you,

It means that you have an unbiased perspective or voice in the room with you that can help you see things in a way that you might not be able to see when you're right in it.

You know,

That can step outside and say,

Okay,

When you say this,

I see this body language and when you say this,

I see this body language.

And so you stay and you get help and you find tools and you find ways to get creative for both people to have their needs met.

At some point,

If we continue to find ourselves back in a loop,

We let go when it's the right moment,

When it's no longer healthy for both people or when it's no longer healthy for one person in particular.

If somebody is consistently sacrificing their needs,

Not able to express themselves,

Not able to fully live as themselves,

You let go.

So don't run away,

Or you can,

But the invitation is to not run away when things get difficult,

To stay and to sit in it because it's very easy in this discard culture to just let things go when they get a bit challenging.

Relationships are not easy romantically or just friendly and intimate.

But also don't stay for too long.

Don't stew in it.

If you've been in the same relationship for years and years and years,

Your voice has gotten smaller.

Your boundaries have been absolutely suffocated.

You don't know what your no is.

You don't know what your yes is.

You've lost your purpose.

You've lost your direction,

But you love this person.

Be honest with yourself.

Are you strangling your own life force?

Because also creating a healthy relationship is leaving a partnership that is not healthy for your individual relationship to yourself.

So that's creating a healthy relationship,

Is leaving a partnership in order to self-serve,

Self-soothe,

Self-accept,

Self-love.

And I truly believe that in each relationship,

When we are in divine union with somebody,

That we are choosing that person each day because there will always be something juicier and more new and fresh and ripe,

Something more exciting,

Fresh face,

A fresh body.

But everything that we've worked out with that person,

We're going to have to work out in another connection.

And so we can change faces,

But there are so many phases to a relationship.

And choosing somebody,

It's such a gift when somebody chooses you,

And especially if you're in a relationship that has longevity for years.

There should be a deep appreciation,

And I can't say should,

But there could be a deep appreciation there for this person,

Even if it's not easy,

That they stuck by our sides because it is very easy in this world to leave and to choose differently and to go on a new path and to have a fresh take.

And so if somebody has stood by your side and there has been mutual growth,

And even if it's been really difficult,

This is your empathy partner.

You're practicing empathy together.

You're cultivating trust.

You're learning to be reliable.

You're learning to be transparent.

And also,

Yeah,

It's important on the other side of the coin to know when are you being fearful?

When is it that you're not actually staying because you're in love anymore and that you're growing and that your boundaries are being respected and that you're in your purpose and that you're seen and reflected by your partner and they're hearing you and they're empathizing?

But when are you staying because you're just too scared to start over?

You're just too scared to do it all over again,

To go out into this big,

Wide world on your own and walk on your own two feet and find something that is more fulfilling to your life purpose.

And I think it's important that we don't stay in partnerships just because we're fearful.

And sometimes there are circumstances that are too challenging to leave due to our religious beliefs or if we have children or depending on our community structure or responsibilities,

Health and sickness.

So I'm not saying that,

You know,

Just forget all of your responsibilities and circumstances,

But it's important to not lie or deceive yourself.

If you're staying in the relationship because you know that it's fulfilling a need that has to be fulfilled due to these things,

Being honest with yourself,

Okay,

I'm staying because of this.

This is why I'm here.

And then finding a way to be empowered in that choice instead of becoming a victim of that choice.

If it's feeding a need that has to be met at this moment or phase of life,

Finding a way to,

Even in that limitation,

Have gratitude for the needs that are being met and not victimizing ourselves for the needs that aren't being met.

And also creating a safe relationship.

You know,

This is an explicit one to speak to,

But a safe relationship is one in which our bodies are respected,

In which our sexuality is respected,

Our boundaries are adhered to.

If we're in a relationship where we are being pushed physically or being pushed sexually or mentally and psychologically in a way that brings that sickness into our body,

Where we feel it in our gut,

We feel it in our chest and we're not happy and we're suffering.

It's important to our own inner children because we're all caretakers,

We're mothers here.

So each of you,

Even a male body,

You're a mother,

You're a mother and a father.

And there are all these little ones in you that they trust you,

They trust you to choose appropriately for the whole internal family.

And if you're staying in a place where your body is taken advantage of or you're pushed past physical,

Sexual,

Psychological boundaries,

In that moment,

It might not be safe to just stand up and leave.

There might be circumstances,

Again,

That are extreme that you have to slowly take your presence out of the space,

But you begin to wisely get your ducks in a row so that you can slowly leave that space.

You empower yourself to internally,

Even if you can't say it out loud to this person or persons,

You say it to yourself,

Like,

I'm going to take care of us.

I'm going to get us somewhere safe.

This is not okay.

This is not okay.

Like,

I am going to take care of us.

And we slowly empower ourselves to leave these situations.

So I just want to say,

As I conclude,

It's not black and white.

What is a safe relationship and what is unsafe.

For one person in the relationship,

It might feel very safe.

For another relationship or person in the relationship,

It might feel extremely unsafe.

So it's important for you in the relationship to not be influenced by the other person telling you you're in a safe relationship,

But feeling in your body,

Am I in a safe relationship?

Do I feel safe in this relationship?

And then what is your part?

If you don't feel safe because your partner is crossing boundaries and not giving you what you need and what you are fulfilled by in your purpose,

Check in.

Are you making boundaries?

Are you saying your truth to them?

Are you being honest and transparent?

Because if we're lying to our partner or we're downplaying or we're deceiving and we're not sharing,

But there is that victim mindset here or we're sharing it with our friends or loved ones,

But not with the partner,

How can we expect to be in a safe relationship if we're not being truthful with ourselves and the other person?

So some of the key points that I want to just bullet point here as we conclude is transparency.

And that means being able to be transparent with yourself first.

What do you really want?

What do you really need?

You know,

Sometimes we're so scared of ourselves,

The sexual desires that we have or the wants that we have or the job that we really secretly desire or the friend that we don't actually want to hang out anymore and we want to have a whole different life and life path.

How can we be more truthful with ourselves if this is the life that we're wanting to lead?

Are we strong enough and empowered enough to change it all up and to invite change in and to tell our partner,

Okay,

This is how things have been,

But I want to change them.

And I'm wanting to tell you transparently so that you can know where my heart,

My mind and my body are now.

Can you meet me there?

You know,

Sometimes we can't do that because the fear,

The fear of that change shifting our relationship is such a heavy burden that we can't imagine that our partner would accept it.

And sometimes that density is just in our mind.

And that if we spoke the truth to our partner,

Most likely they would have been feeling the change happening internally within us all along.

And maybe a lightness would enter the relationship then of like,

Wow,

I'm so glad you shared with me.

And maybe it would be difficult at first,

Generally,

Change is difficult for all of us,

But we're much more relationally resilient than we think.

When we truly love each other,

If we can be truthful and share what's burdening our hearts,

Real love in partnership is a love that wants to unburden our partner.

We want to do things that our partner can feel lighter by.

You know,

If I have a partner and they tell me their truth and they want a big shift,

Yes,

It could be difficult,

But it's such a joy in teamwork to help lighten their load and to make it more accessible for them.

So this is where I'll stop today.

But I just want to remind us again to just shut the eyes down if they're not already shut and take a few breaths together.

And really feel in our bodies what truths need to be spoken,

What boundaries,

What do we desire for ourselves,

What is the path that we walk relationally.

Deep breath in and a nice sigh out.

Reviews

Thank you. I appreciate the information and how you presented this. 🙏

This was very applicable right now and very helpful. Thank you✨

This was one of the more insightful and practical talks I have listened to about the dynamics of relationships around authenticity, belonging, intimacy, and love that also integrates needs, boundaries, space, and self-regulation.