You Are Not What You Think

Your thoughts do not define who you are. If you have judgmental thoughts, it doesn't mean you are judgmental. Your thoughts don't mean anything about you. When we believe our thoughts signify something about who we are, it creates a lot of unnecessary pain.

Transcript

Hi,

I'm Noah Elkrief and today I would like to share with you that you are not what you think.

Put differently,

You are not your thoughts.

You are not your thought patterns.

You are not the thoughts that move through your head.

I feel like I need to say that in a hundred different ways for it to be clear.

So if you often notice thoughts in your head that are judging others,

It is very likely that you may conclude,

I am a judgmental person.

So if thoughts arise judging others,

Then I must be a judgmental person.

But that is false.

That is a false conclusion.

Why are you having thoughts that judge others?

It's not because you are inherently a judgmental mean person.

It is simply because others judged you.

So if you grow up being taught that you are lovable because you're skinny,

You are simultaneously being taught that you are unlovable if you are not skinny.

You understand?

So therefore we look for,

And when people tell us that we're beautiful because we're skinny,

We're so beautiful because our body,

We get a high from that.

And when we get a high from that,

What happens is we all want to feel worthy,

We all want to feel good.

And so therefore when we see someone that doesn't match our body type,

When it is the opposite of our body type,

What we were taught is bad,

We will have judgments arise that they are bad,

That they are ugly,

That they are unattractive because it makes us feel better about ourselves and it fuels the beliefs that were installed into us.

Now if that happens in you or to you,

Whether it's about your appearance,

About your intellect,

About your job,

Your success level,

It doesn't mean you are judgmental.

It simply means judgments have been installed into you.

But differently it means that human beings,

Your teachers,

Your parents,

Your society taught you that your self-worth is dependent on your body type,

That your self-worth is dependent on your intellect,

Your self-worth is dependent on your success level.

So when judgments show up in your head about others,

It's not that you are judgmental,

It is simply that you were taught that others are worse for having different traits,

That others are worse for being heavier,

That others are worse for making less money,

That others are worse for having a slower intellect or less comprehension.

Is that clear?

You are not judgmental if you have judgmental thoughts.

So what are some other thoughts that pop up in our head that we identify with it?

So sometimes people come to me and they have really negative thoughts about others,

But it's not judgmental but like nasty thoughts like wanting to hurt others,

Wanting to punish others,

Yeah wanting to be violent towards others.

And when they come to me they're like I'm a terrible person,

I'm a violent person,

I'm really a screwed up person because I have these thoughts.

Now having violent or aggressive or nasty thoughts about others towards others doesn't mean that you are a bad person.

You are not your thought patterns.

It simply means something happens that you don't know how to deal with.

Something happened in your life that you don't know how to deal with.

So for example if someone hurts you and you feel emotionally right,

Someone breaks up with you,

Someone cheats on you,

Someone insults you,

Someone bullies you,

That can make us feel incredibly worthless or afraid or really hurt or abandoned.

And when we have this pain,

This deep abandonment,

Hurt,

Loneliness,

Unworthiness,

It can be massively sharp and painful.

And for most of us in our childhood and our teen years and even throughout our life it can be so unbelievably sharp and painful that we avoid it,

We deny it.

And when we are desperate not to feel our deep hurt,

Our deep unworthiness,

Our deep abandonment,

We can project onto others.

So there are many ways that we can deal with it when we bury these feelings.

It can turn us into an analytical person where we just stay up in our head and it can make us judge others but it can also make us want to punish others that everyone else is to blame for my pain and I want to get even with them and I want to hurt them so they had to feel what I had to feel.

And this often happens when we've got a little sense of the feeling,

Like we've felt the pain a little but there's still so much left inside of us that we want to punish others and hurt others.

Now why would you want to punish someone,

Have revenge on someone,

Hurt someone just because you feel pain?

It is only because we are unconsciously taught that that is the way to feel better.

I think I have to say that more clearly,

If somebody cuts my arm and I have tremendous pain in my arm,

What is the cure?

Is the cure to go out and hurt the person and cut the other person?

To cut the person who did this to me?

Like if somebody comes with a knife and cuts my arm,

Is the cure for this,

Is the way to feel better to cut their arm in the same way?

No,

Of course not.

But if we have parents or are surrounded by people or movies or whatever where it teaches us that,

That the way to feel better is to get revenge,

To hurt someone else,

Then we get sort of installed with that program and then that's how we find we look for solace,

That's how we look for relief.

So the same thing happens if someone cheats on us and we feel hurt,

Then we want to cheat on them to get them back.

But that doesn't heal the cut.

And if I have a cut in my arm,

The way to feel better is to take care of it,

To put the right solution on it or cure on it so that it can heal.

So if I feel hurt emotionally,

Someone took advantage of me,

Someone screwed me over,

Someone abandoned me.

If I have violent thoughts and aggressive thoughts and punishing thoughts about others,

It doesn't mean I am bad,

It just means I am very sort of unwise and unskilled in how to deal with my own pain and hurt.

And the only reason that I don't have this wisdom or skill around how to deal with these feelings is because nobody taught me how to deal with these feelings.

My parents didn't teach me,

My school didn't teach me,

My therapist didn't teach me.

When we don't know how to deal with our pain,

It can come out in all sorts of like unhealthy,

Not nice ways towards others.

So it doesn't mean anything about you if these have these types of thoughts.

I notice my tongue getting,

Screwing up my words,

I need a sip of water.

So what other thoughts do people often identify with?

About this one.

So many of us have thoughts that I am unworthy,

I am not good enough,

I am broken,

Putting ourselves down,

Criticizing ourselves.

And then we tell ourselves I am so harsh towards myself,

I am so mean towards myself,

I treat myself really bad and nasty.

And that's not true.

So when we blame ourselves for these negative thought patterns,

You understand?

So if every time I try to do something,

A voice comes in my head,

I am a piece of shit,

I am terrible,

I will never succeed at anything.

We take that on as I am a harsh person,

I am mean towards myself,

I am so nasty towards myself.

But it's not actually you being nasty towards yourself.

It's not you being critical of yourself,

Even though it seems that way.

It's not that you are a mean person towards yourself.

What's actually going on is it's someone else's voice showing up inside your head and you innocently misidentify that voice to be yours.

It's really important.

So when you notice these really deeply self-critical thoughts,

I am so bad for doing this,

Why didn't you do it sooner,

Why do you keep messing things up?

It's usually one of your parents' voices showing up in your head and the tone of your voice so you think it's yours.

But it's not yours.

So a lot of the times these self-critical thought patterns are just how one of our parents treated us and it happened to us over and over and over again our entire childhood.

So we internalize that thought structure and then we respond to ourselves in the way that our parents responded to us.

So it's their voice,

Their program,

Their way of relating showing up within our head even when our parents aren't around.

So it's not that you are harsh towards yourself,

It's not that you are mean towards yourself,

It's just critical nasty thoughts showing up towards ourselves.

But just because they're showing up in our head doesn't mean anything about us.

If I'm trying to make this video and a thought comes up,

I'm a piece of crap,

I'm terrible at this,

It's not I'm mean to myself,

It's not I'm a bad person,

I'm mean to myself,

I'm nasty for myself,

It's just unkind thoughts are showing up in my head so I look,

Where are they coming from?

Who put them there?

Why are they there?

Poof!

They're not there to serve them.

I know it's not easy for most people but it can be.

And if you lose that thought,

If you lose the nasty thought towards yourself,

If you lose the judgmental thought towards others,

If you lose the violent punishment thought towards others,

You are still you.

Just because a thought has shown up in your head over and over and over again,

Just because it's been there for many years,

Just because it always shows up in the same environment doesn't mean it's a part of who you are.

As soon as you think it's a part of who you are,

It sort of like locks it in,

It becomes more solid and the way out gets more difficult.

So it's really really important that if you notice thought patterns in your head that keep showing up,

That they're not you,

They're not yours,

Whatever thought shows up in your head,

It had a source,

It wasn't there when you were a child,

When you were a baby.

At some point it was installed into you,

Put into you through some experience you had or your parents had or other possibilities that I won't go into.

So every single thought that you have,

Any single recurring thought,

Thought pattern,

Thought reaction you have can go and never come back.

And if something can leave you but yet you will still remain,

Then it's not a part of you.

You understand?

If you lose the thought,

I'm crap,

They're terrible or whatever,

If those thoughts go but you're still here,

Then those thoughts aren't you and aren't a part of you.

So I invite you to be gentler and kinder towards yourself for the thoughts that arise in your mind,

No matter how negative they are,

No matter how nasty they are.

You are okay as you are,

You are enough as you are,

You are wonderful as you are,

And your thoughts mean nothing about you.

They just mean something about what happened to you.

You understand,

So if judgments show up in your head towards others,

If you tell me a judgment you have about others,

I don't see you as bad,

I see what happened to you,

How people treated you and how nobody gave you the solution to deal with your emotions and deal with your thoughts.

If you tell me you judge yourself all the time and you always say negative things to yourself,

I don't see a harsh person to yourself,

I don't see a bad person,

I see someone,

I see someone who was treated really really nicely in their childhood and is still living it because nobody showed them how to break out of it.

Whatever thoughts show up in our head are never our fault and never mean anything about us,

But it is our responsibility to do something about it if we want to free ourselves from the shackles of these thoughts that create pain.

Yeah.

So,

It seems I have nothing else to say,

So thank you for watching and see you again soon.

Bye.

Reviews

Very, very helpful! It's like you described my entire upbringing! Thank you for this clarity

Thank you what you said was honest and to the point. I helped me understand that I was never given the skills I needed to process certain situations. That have lead to a negative thought process both toward myself and others.