How To Stop Getting Angry - Anger Management Tools

This talk will provide you with insights and exercises to reduce or fully eliminate your anger in situations where you normally get angry. The intention is to address the cause of your anger so it simply stops arising in the future, as opposed to just managing your anger when it does arise.

Transcript

Hello,

My name is Noah Elkrief and in this video I'm going to show you how to lose your anger.

This video is going to help you to lose the anger that you have now,

But it's also going to have a really large impact on any anger that you would have had in the future.

If you get what I'm saying in this video,

It's going to be a major shift,

Not just like a slight relief now,

But it can really prevent you from getting angry in any of the situations that you used to get angry in.

But to be more specific than that,

The anger that we're going to address in this video is the anger in response to criticism,

Perceived criticism,

Disagreements,

Or things along the lines of,

You know,

Our partner doesn't call us when they should,

Or they question our intellect,

Or those types of things.

As opposed to one of my other anger videos,

Which covers how to lose your anger when someone did something bad over there.

So this video is going to be long,

But if you really get what I'm saying,

It's going to have such a huge impact on your life.

And I'm really excited to make the video and to get your feedback about how it's helped you.

So,

Without further ado,

Let's get into it.

So basically,

In order to lose our anger,

We really need to understand the fundamentals of why we get angry and what's underneath it.

So to start out,

When we have positive thoughts about ourselves,

We feel nice,

Right?

If we think,

I am smart,

I am cool,

I am attractive,

I am nice,

I am likable,

Any of those types of things,

We feel good,

Right?

We get some of this pleasure that comes with it.

And when we tell ourselves stories like,

I am a failure,

I am stupid,

Nobody likes me,

I am not worthy,

I am unattractive,

I am strange,

There is something wrong with me,

Those types of thoughts,

We feel bad.

We feel sad,

Depressed,

Lonely,

Ashamed,

Insufficient,

Or any of those types of feelings.

So naturally,

We all want to have positive thoughts about ourselves.

So how do we get these positive thoughts?

Well,

We do it in two major ways,

Right?

One is by trying to change the facts.

So by trying to make ourselves skinnier,

Make ourselves stronger,

Make ourselves heavier,

No,

Healthier,

Not heavier,

Make ourselves get more money,

Get more success,

Learn a language,

Learn a skill,

Have a girlfriend,

Have a boyfriend,

Whatever the case may be,

Right?

We try to change the facts in order to have positive thoughts about ourselves,

Improve our ideas about ourselves.

But the other main way that we seek to have positive thoughts about ourselves is from receiving compliments,

Appreciation,

Love,

Respect,

And those types of things.

So for example,

We look for others to tell us they love us,

For us to convince ourselves,

I am lovable.

Or we look for compliments,

Say you are attractive,

To convince ourselves I am attractive.

Or we look for others to compliment our work in order to think I am smart.

And you get the idea,

Right?

So we seek others' opinions to give us positive thoughts about ourselves.

That means when someone compliments us,

Or calls us,

Or wants to be our friend,

Or wants to date us,

We feel good,

Pleasure,

Better about ourselves.

But the inherent issue with that is if someone compliments us if we feel good,

Then when someone insults us,

Rejects us,

Leaves us,

Doesn't want to be our friend,

Doesn't pay attention to us,

We feel bad.

When someone compliments you,

You feel good.

When someone insults you,

You feel bad.

Because that gives you negative thoughts about yourselves.

Or it worsens your idea about yourself,

Right?

More specifically,

When we get insults,

Or rejected,

Or disapproved of,

We feel hurt,

Sad,

Lonely,

And just ashamed or worse about ourselves.

And since we really,

Really don't want to feel this way,

Right?

We avoid those feelings at all costs.

We've developed some sort of unconscious techniques to avoid these feelings,

To prevent ourselves from ever feeling hurt and sad and worse about ourselves.

So how do we avoid this feeling of hurt and this worsening of our self-image and worsening of our idea of ourselves?

Well there's three major ways that we try to accomplish this goal.

One is by discrediting the source of information.

Two is by shifting our attention to them and away from us.

And three is to try to disprove what they said.

So let me break down those in a little bit more detail.

So if someone,

Let's say you made something.

Like you made a sculpture and you worked really hard on it.

And somebody says to you,

That's terrible,

That's so ugly.

What are you going to do?

Are you just going to feel sad and hurt?

No.

You might say,

Try to discredit the source of information.

So you might say,

They're not an expert.

They're stupid.

They don't know what they're talking about.

I don't trust their opinion,

Right?

So then we get angry at them and say they're bad in one of those kind of ways.

That would be to discredit the source of information.

The second way is to shift our attention away from ourselves.

So when they say your work is terrible,

Instead of thinking,

My work is so bad,

I'm never going to succeed at this,

I'm so bad.

We might try to shift our attention and say,

They're so mean for saying that sort of thing.

What about their work?

Their work isn't good either.

Or whatever.

In order to shift our attention away from us and just make it about how they're bad in some way.

The third tactic is to try to disprove what they said.

So that might be something along the lines of,

No,

My work is good.

Somebody else told me it's good.

And it looks exactly like that,

Which is good.

And so it's basically trying to convince the other person or convince ourselves that the other person is wrong.

That's when we would get into an argument and try to give all the pieces of evidence or proof as to why their opinion is wrong and we are right.

We are good.

Or our work is good.

So these three tactics are the cause of pretty much all our anger and all of our anger in response to criticism.

Instead of allowing ourselves to feel hurt or sad and to look at these negative thoughts that we might have about ourselves,

We defend our self-image.

We defend our idea of ourselves.

I want to think I'm likeable,

Good,

Smart,

Interesting,

Successful,

Whatever.

So we defend that.

And instead of evaluating what they said about us,

Are they right?

Is it true?

Do I believe that myself?

We just immediately put it onto them.

They're bad.

They're stupid.

They don't know what they're talking about.

They're just like me.

Or they're wrong because of this.

Do you see what I mean?

Instead of looking at what they said and evaluating its validity,

Honestly and really seeing what we believe,

We just immediately turn it onto them,

Shift the attention onto them,

Try to discredit them and try to convince them they are wrong.

This is the source of our anger.

So how do we lose our anger?

Well we simply need to better understand what creates feelings and better understand what others' opinions really mean.

Because when we see that clearly,

Then others' opinions can no longer impact our idea of ourselves and therefore we won't get hurt or sad.

And if others' opinions can't worsen our idea of ourselves and create hurt or sadness,

Then we have nothing to defend and therefore nothing to be angry about.

So now it's time to get into the meat of this video,

Into the real crux of it.

How to lose our anger.

So it may seem that others' words directly impact you,

Others' opinions directly impact you and they insult you,

You feel it.

But that's not actually the case.

Others' opinions,

Others' words only impact you when you believe them.

And to demonstrate that,

Let's look at an example.

If you were walking down the street and some random person,

Let's say a homeless person that you just don't trust for whatever reason,

They don't seem credible.

Let's say that they,

When you're walking past,

They just yell at you,

You're terrible at your job.

How do you feel?

Do you feel hurt?

Do you feel sad?

Do you feel worse about yourself because that person said that?

No,

Probably not.

Why?

Because you know they've never seen you in your job.

So therefore those words don't impact you.

They don't create hurt,

Sadness,

Or worsen your idea of yourself.

However,

If you're in your job and your boss says to you,

You're terrible at your job,

How do you feel?

Well,

If you were being honest,

You feel worse about yourself.

You feel sad,

You feel hurt,

You feel disappointed.

You might feel like there's something wrong with you.

In both those situations,

You heard the exact same words,

That you are terrible at your job.

So why,

In one situation,

Did you have a strong impact,

Worsening your idea of yourself,

And in the other,

You had practically no impact?

Well,

It's simply because in one of those situations,

You believed the words to be true,

And in the other situation,

You didn't.

That means words in and of themselves don't impact you.

It's only your belief that creates the impact.

To give you another example,

Imagine you're walking down the street and someone says,

You're unworthy of love.

Let's say it's like a homeless person that you don't trust for whatever reason.

Does it impact you?

Maybe a tiny bit,

Depending on how you view that person,

But most likely not much at all,

If at all.

But now,

Imagine that your partner,

You have a friend,

Or you're in a relationship,

Or your mother,

Or something along those lines says,

You're unworthy of love.

Then how do you feel?

Well,

It might rock your world.

It might really worsen your self-image and create hurt,

Sadness,

And all those other things.

So,

Why would it do that?

You think it's because their opinion impacted me,

But it didn't.

If others' opinions or words impacted us,

Then everybody who said those same words and believed the same thing would impact us in the same way.

But that's not the way it goes.

Rejection,

Insults of any kind can't impact us unless we believe them.

Does that make sense?

If a negative opinion could directly impact you,

Then it would always impact you no matter what,

No matter who it came from,

And it would always have the same impact.

But that's not the way life works.

With one person says something,

Another person says something,

And they both view us in the exact same way,

Those opinions don't have the exact same impact.

So we only feel what we believe.

So basically,

Put differently,

What happens is when we believe somebody's words to be true,

It has an impact on us by changing our idea of ourselves.

So if I think I'm attractive and then someone tells me I'm ugly and I believe them,

It worsens my idea of myself.

It's hard to think I'm attractive if someone just tells me that I'm ugly.

If I think that I'm smart and someone tells me I'm stupid,

It worsens the idea of myself if I believe them.

Another impact that it has other than worsening our idea of ourselves is it reaffirms something we've been trying to convince ourselves isn't true.

So maybe I think that I'm ugly,

But I'm trying to convince myself that I'm attractive.

And then if someone says that I'm ugly,

It sort of makes me feel like I'll never be attractive.

I'm always going to be like this.

Or if I think I'm okay at my job,

We're not so good,

But I'm trying to convince myself that I'm good.

If someone says you're not so good at this,

I think,

Yeah,

You're right.

I've been trying to convince myself,

But it sucks.

I'm going to always be like this.

So it reminds us of something.

We reaffirmed a negative idea that we had about ourselves,

But we've been trying to convince ourselves that we're good.

So maybe we think we're unlikable,

But someone's been saying that we're good and likable.

So we're trying to believe that.

But then if they say we're unlikable,

Then oh no,

I am that way.

I've been that way all along.

And the third way that a negative opinion impacts us when we believe it is it reminds us of something that we didn't want to admit.

So maybe I'm desperately trying to convince myself that I'm successful or interesting or cool in some way.

And then someone says that you're not.

I don't want to admit that.

I'm cool.

No.

Right?

But it's like it uncovers what I really believe,

Even though I've been trying to convince myself of something else.

So those are the ways that a negative opinion,

Negative comment impacts us when we believe it.

But of course,

Most of the time,

We don't admit these things to ourselves.

Instead we just get angry and turn it on to them,

Right?

We don't admit them,

Try to disprove them or just shift the attention onto them instead of feeling these feelings of I'm not so good in some way or I'm worse than I thought or I have to admit that I'm bad.

We just turn it on to them.

But the other thing is that most of the time we don't get directly insulted.

So someone's not going to tell us you're stupid,

You're ugly,

You're boring,

You're uninteresting.

We have to take cues,

Right?

So instead of someone insulting us,

They might just not call us.

They might forget our birthday.

They might forget our date.

They might not hire you.

They might spend time with somebody else.

They might give you a bad grade on your test.

They might tell you that you're wrong.

They might imply that they don't trust you,

Right?

For example,

Maybe you tell them this is how you get there,

Right?

Directions.

And they say,

I'm not sure if you're right.

So they don't trust you.

So they're questioning your intellect.

Or maybe they don't trust you because you say that you were at work.

You come home late and you say you were at work.

And then they say,

I don't know if you were.

And then that questions,

That's questioning whether we're trustworthy and good,

Right?

So that seems like an insult.

Or maybe you don't know the answer to something.

Or maybe someone doesn't give you the response you want.

So you make a joke and they don't laugh.

Or maybe you're talking and they don't give you eye contact.

There's a variety of different ways that we get insulted or get criticism from others without a direct insult,

Right?

Do you notice that?

So instead of thinking about this in terms of someone says to me I'm stupid and then how I react,

That may be the case.

You may actually get insulted.

But the vast majority of the time for most people that come to me for sessions at least is that the insults or the criticism is perceived criticism.

They did that.

So that means this,

Right?

That means they don't like me.

They disagree.

They think I don't know what I'm talking about.

They trying to show me that I'm wrong.

Whatever the case may be,

Right?

They forgot something.

So that means they forgot my birthday.

That means they don't like me.

It's always they did something and that means they view me as bad in some way.

So it often seems that the list of things I just mentioned like rejection,

Someone leaving you,

Someone insulting you,

Someone not looking,

Someone not calling,

Someone questioning your intellect,

Someone not trusting you,

It seems that those things directly create either your hurt,

Sadness or your anger.

But they don't.

What happens is when someone does one of those things,

We interpret that to mean they don't like me.

They think I'm stupid.

They think I'm untrustworthy.

They think I'm not good.

They don't love me so they think I'm unlovable.

And then that makes us start to worsen our idea of ourselves so then we turn it on to them and say you're bad in some way for not trusting you,

For doing that,

For thinking that.

So instead of that,

Right,

There's another option and that is to not believe what they say.

But first,

Let's really explore this.

So why do we automatically believe their opinion to be true?

Why are we automatically impacted by what they say?

Well,

It's simply because that's what we were taught to do.

When we're young,

When our parents say this is a cup,

We say okay,

That's a cup.

When they say this is a shirt,

We say okay,

That's a shirt.

We don't question it.

We just believe everything they say.

That's what we're meant to do.

We're like a sponge just taking in new information.

And when our teacher says that's the sky,

We say okay,

That's the sky.

When they say that's a camera,

We say okay,

That's a camera.

No questioning.

So therefore when they say you did a good job,

We say yay,

I did a good job.

When they say you did bad,

We say oh no,

I did bad.

When they say you're cute,

We say yay,

I'm cute.

And when they say that doesn't look good on you,

We say oh no,

It doesn't look good on you.

Right?

That's what everyone says when we're young,

But we take that into adulthood.

When we're in high school,

If someone compliments us and says you're so pretty,

We say yay,

I'm so pretty.

If they insult us or reject us or leave us,

We say oh no,

There must be something wrong with me.

As if their opinion is real,

Factual,

And true.

As if it's a part of who you are.

The same goes when we get into the workforce.

Work,

Yeah,

The workforce.

If somebody compliments our work,

We say yay,

I am great.

And if they insult our work,

Oh no,

I am bad.

As if their opinion is real and factual.

Someone laughs at our joke,

We say yay,

I'm funny.

If they don't laugh,

Oh no,

Maybe I'm not funny.

As if their opinion is true.

We never get taught to question the validity of others' opinions.

So it's not your fault that you're impacted by others' opinions and others' criticisms.

It's just what we were taught to do.

Nobody has this practically,

To varying degrees,

But it's simply what we were taught to do.

So it's not your fault.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Nobody showed you how to treat this differently.

Now we're going to look at your specific situation.

I want you to think of a time that you got angry at someone.

Maybe you're starting to watch this video because you're angry at someone right now.

But if not,

You can also just think of a moment that you were angry.

And then I want to ask yourself,

I want you to ask yourself,

What did they say or do to you that makes you angry?

Take a moment to really answer that for yourself.

Be as specific as possible.

Like one thing.

Now here's the next question,

What did that comment or action mean about what they think about you?

For example,

If they didn't call,

I'm angry because they didn't call me.

Then the next question is,

What does that mean they think about you?

If they didn't call me,

That means they don't like me.

They think I'm not good enough.

Or maybe you're angry at them because they don't trust you.

So then you would ask yourself,

What does it mean they think about me if they don't trust me?

If they don't trust me,

That means they think I'm not trustworthy and I'm not good enough.

I'm not a good guy.

Maybe it's more direct.

They told me I'm stupid.

So they think I'm stupid.

If they tell me I'm stupid,

It must mean they think I'm stupid.

So you get the idea?

Whatever they did,

Ask yourself,

What does that mean they think about me?

And now the third question is,

If they think that about you,

What does that mean about you?

So for example,

If they think I'm stupid,

What does that mean about me?

Well,

If they think I'm stupid,

That must mean I'm stupid.

If they think I'm untrustworthy,

What does that mean about me?

That must mean I'm untrustworthy.

Do you see that?

What does it mean about you that they have this negative opinion about you?

Whatever negative opinion you think they have about you,

What does that actually mean about you?

If they think you're not lovable,

Does that mean you are?

If they think you're ugly,

Does that mean you are?

Well,

For most of us,

The automatic unconscious assumption is,

If they think that I'm bad,

Then I am bad.

Automatically.

That's why we get angry,

Because we want to avoid admitting that.

So we just turn it on to them.

We never even ask the question,

If they think I'm bad,

Does that mean I'm bad?

If they think I'm stupid,

If they think I'm ugly,

If they think I'm uninteresting,

If they think I'm untrustworthy,

If they think I'm whatever,

Does that mean I'm actually that?

So first let's admit that we do feel that way.

On some level,

We do believe that it must mean on that way,

If they believe that.

Now that we've looked at what's causing our anger to some degree,

Now let's see how to lose it.

So first thing that we can do,

First thing is ask ourselves,

Just because they said that or did that,

Does that mean they actually view me in a negative way?

So for example,

If they didn't call me,

We assume that must mean they don't like me.

So then we ask ourselves,

Can I think of any interpretation or any reason why the opposite interpretation could be true?

Is it possible they didn't call me because they just forgot or they were busy?

Or maybe they do like me but they just didn't call?

Or maybe a different example would be,

I said,

They asked me for directions or they asked me what I should do about an upcoming job interview.

And then I gave them an answer and they didn't seem to trust me.

So if they didn't trust me,

That must mean they think I'm stupid.

Is it possible that they just were looking for other alternatives or that answer didn't resonate with them or they just wanted more information?

That it doesn't really mean they're stupid?

That they think you're stupid?

See if you can interpret it in a different way.

See if you can recognize that just because they did whatever they did,

That doesn't necessarily mean that they think you're bad at something.

But if you really believe that they have a negative opinion about you,

Then instead of trying to discredit them,

Disprove them,

And shift your attention onto them and get angry to try to change the situation,

You can instead just question whether their opinion is actually true.

Because if you recognize their opinion isn't true,

Well then there's nothing to defend.

There's no problem,

Nothing to get angry about.

In order to see that their opinion isn't true,

Let's look at a different type of example.

If you see a little boy playing with a game,

Like a wooden board with different shape holes in it.

So it has a square hole,

A circle hole,

And a triangle hole in this wooden board.

And then there's different shapes.

There's a square,

Circle,

And triangle wooden shape that the little boy needs to put in the correct holes.

So if he takes a square shaped piece of wood and tries to put it in a triangle shaped hole,

And it doesn't fit,

And he says to you,

This shape isn't good enough for that hole,

What are you going to say?

It's not that it's not good enough,

It just doesn't fit.

When something doesn't fit,

It doesn't mean it's not good enough.

So the person who had a negative opinion about you in some way,

Let's see whether their opinion is actually true about you.

So if they think that a song is bad,

Is that song bad?

No,

That's just their opinion.

It just wasn't the right fit.

It doesn't mean the song is bad just because they think it is.

If they think a painting is ugly,

Does that mean that painting is ugly?

No,

Somebody else could think it's beautiful.

It just wasn't the right fit.

It's not that it wasn't good enough.

If they think that a type of food is disgusting,

Does that mean that food is disgusting?

No,

It's just not the right fit.

So if they think you're ugly,

Does that mean you are?

No,

It just means you're not the right fit.

If they think you are boring,

Does that mean you are?

No,

It just means you're not the right fit.

The same goes for everything,

Right?

So whatever opinion you're scared they have about you,

Or whatever opinion seems to impact you,

Ask yourself.

If they think that about a song,

A movie,

A painting,

A food,

Does that mean it's true?

No,

It's just not the right fit.

So the same applies with what they think about you.

Whatever they think about you has nothing to do with you.

It just has to do with them,

With whatever fits with their conditioning,

Their training of what is good and bad.

Same with a movie,

A song,

A meal.

When someone says we're bad,

We just automatically assume that's true,

That their opinion is real and factual,

And that means something about me.

We get very confused between not good enough and not the right fit.

So no song isn't good enough for them.

Some songs just aren't the right fit.

If they like rock music and they hear a country song and say that's terrible,

It's not that it's terrible,

It's not the right fit.

If they like modern art and they see abstract or classical or Renaissance art and they say that's terrible,

That's ugly,

It's not,

It's not the right fit.

The same applies with whatever negative opinion they have about you.

It doesn't mean anything about who you are,

It's just not the right fit.

So now apply that to your unique situation.

Whatever they think about you,

Whatever you think they think about you,

Ask yourself now,

Is their opinion about you true?

Does their opinion about you mean anything about who you are?

Could somebody else have a different opinion?

If so,

How do you know their opinion is right?

It's not.

And if you can really see that,

Then you're free.

There's nothing to defend,

There's no worsening of your idea of yourself,

So you don't need to shift your attention and discredit them and call them stupid or bad or names or whatever.

It's just,

Okay,

Their opinion about me isn't right.

They're just in their head just thinking that it's real but it's not.

Okay?

But you see what happens some of the time is that when we really care about someone or like someone or think somebody is really good in some way,

Cool or popular or our boss or something like that,

We somehow value their opinion more than somebody else's.

We think just because I like them or just because they're cool,

That means that their opinion is more valid than another person's.

But that's not true.

There's nobody's opinion that is more valid than anybody else's.

That's just an idea.

You see?

So think whoever it is,

Right?

Recognize,

Just because I like them,

Just because they're seemingly smart,

Just because they're seemingly cool or my boss or whatever,

Ask yourself,

Is their opinion on a song more valid than somebody else's?

Is their opinion on a painting more valid than someone else's?

So is their opinion about me more valid?

One boss might hate your work but another boss might like it.

It doesn't mean anything.

Maybe your mother doesn't like you and thinks you're boring or a failure.

But somebody else's mother,

If you had a different mother,

They might think you're great,

You're nice,

You're caring or something along those lines.

Or they might think you're actually pretty successful.

Who knows?

You see,

Just because you care about them or think they're great in some way or they're close to you like a relative or a friend,

It doesn't mean their opinion is more valid than anybody else's any place in the world.

Okay?

It's just not the right fit.

So if that doesn't give you the relief that you were looking for,

That doesn't make you feel better to some degree,

Then it's likely because you actually already believe that negative opinion about yourself.

So whatever made you angry,

Whatever you think that means about you or whatever negative opinion you think they have about you,

You actually believe that about yourself.

So the first step when that's the case is to just admit that.

So if they called you stupid,

Just admit,

I actually do think that I'm stupid.

Or if they called you whatever,

Ask yourself,

Do I believe that's true?

Is that true about me?

Do I believe that?

If they think you're selfish or something along the line,

Ask yourself,

Am I selfish?

Do I believe that to be true?

If we don't ask,

If we just immediately go into defense mode,

Which is automatic because we want to think of ourselves as good,

We never look at the truth.

We never evaluate how do I actually see things?

So whatever negative opinion that you think they have about you,

Ask yourself,

Do I believe that about myself?

If they left me and I'm angry at them for leaving me the way they did,

What do I think that means about me?

Well,

I think that means they don't like me,

That I'm unlikable.

Okay,

Is that true?

Do I believe that I'm unlikable?

Yes,

Deep down I do believe I'm unlikable and unworthy.

We have to really be honest with ourselves.

Anger is a diversion tactic,

It's a cover up.

It's always hiding something underneath that we don't want to admit.

And it can be really hard to admit these things.

It's not easy some of the time.

So just because I'm saying it in this sort of simple way,

It doesn't mean it's going to be that way for you.

For many people it's hard to admit that they do believe that they're bad in some way.

So be gentle with yourself,

Be patient with yourself and let it come up in its own time.

But just recognize,

Whatever someone insults you,

Your job is to ask,

Do I believe that about myself?

And once you can admit that,

Well then you have a chance.

And what you do after you admit the negative idea you have about yourself,

Is you question the validity of that.

You question,

Is it true?

So if you think,

I'm a failure.

Okay,

Well then you could ask the question,

Can I think of any reasons or examples as to why the opposite could be true?

So if I think I'm a failure,

I would ask,

Have I ever succeeded in anything?

Well I succeeded in this once,

I succeeded in that once.

I could succeed at this,

So I guess,

I mean I'm not a total failure sometimes,

I succeed at things that I want to do.

And sometimes I don't.

But doesn't everybody succeed and fail sometimes?

So am I a failure?

If we can discover that the opposite could be true,

Then it diminishes the strength,

Weakens the strength of the idea,

I am a failure.

Or if we think,

I'm unlovable,

We can ask ourselves,

Can I think of any reasons or examples as why I am lovable?

Do I have this quality,

That quality,

That quality?

Do some people love me?

Did they love me for some bit of time?

And we can recognize,

I'm not unlovable,

It wasn't the right fit.

Maybe for whatever reason they changed their mind or found someone else or got bored,

But it has nothing to do with you,

It just has to do with their own thoughts.

Whatever you think is negative about yourself,

Question that.

Could I think of any reasons or examples as to why the opposite could be true?

Another question you can ask is,

Could somebody else have the opposite perspective?

And if somebody else could have the opposite perspective,

Do I know that my opinion about myself is true?

So maybe I think I'm stupid,

But could somebody think I'm smart?

Maybe I think my financial situation is bad,

But could somebody else think it's good?

If so,

How do I know it's bad?

You can also just question the overall credibility of your opinion,

Such as if you think a song is good,

Does that mean it's good?

If you think a song is bad,

Does that mean it's bad?

If you think a movie is stupid and boring,

Does that mean it is?

Somebody else might love it.

If you think a food is disgusting,

Does that mean it is?

If you think a painting is ugly,

If you think a person is uninteresting,

Does that mean they are?

No.

So just how when you have an opinion about something else,

It doesn't mean it's true.

If you have an opinion about yourself,

It doesn't mean it's true.

Another way to disbelieve your idea of yourself or the negative thought that you have about yourself is to simply look at how an action doesn't mean anything about who you are.

So right now,

I'm clapping.

Am I a clapper?

That's not who I am,

That's just something that I did in a moment.

So maybe you did something,

You think that means something about you forever.

It doesn't.

That was just one moment.

Clapping is occurring now and now it's not.

So am I a clapper forever because I clapped in a moment?

No,

It has nothing to do with who I am.

That was a moment in time that for some reason I decided clapping was going to be the best thing to do.

I don't know why I thought that.

Why didn't I do this?

I am a waver.

I am a slapper.

I don't know.

For some reason that's what happened in that moment and it means nothing about me in this moment.

So I clapped and I clapped again.

How could I be a clapper for the rest of the time?

That just goes with one moment.

So maybe I clapped now and now and now.

So I clapped overall maybe about six times there.

So it doesn't matter how many times I do it.

If I'm not doing it here now,

It's not who I am.

It was just what was done in a few different moments in the past.

So whatever you did in the past,

It has nothing to do with who you are now.

If I was an accountant in the past and it ended,

I'm not an accountant forever.

If I change jobs now,

I'm not an accountant.

I never was.

That was just something that was done in a moment.

We have to be clear on the difference between what we are and action,

What is done in a moment.

Really,

To put that differently,

We have to question the difference between reality and our imagination.

So in this moment right now,

I have a hand.

I know it to be true.

I have a nose right here,

Right?

They exist in reality.

My shirt.

Reality.

So now where is boring?

Well,

It's not in the real world.

That's in my imagination.

There are only two options in a given moment.

Reality or imagination.

So where's boring?

Where's uninteresting?

Where's stupid?

Where's failure?

Where's unlovable?

They don't exist in real life.

They're not who you are unless you can find it now in reality and show it to me.

Reality is what we can see,

Taste,

Touch,

Hear,

Smell.

If you have none of those for whatever you think you are,

Well then it's not who you are.

If you can't prove it to me,

If you can't provide any evidence in reality right now,

It's not you.

Because guess what?

You are here now,

Aren't you?

You are here.

So anything not here can't be you.

My hand is here.

So anything not here now isn't my hand.

So my hand is here.

So you are here now.

Who are you?

Where's boring,

Uninteresting,

Stupid,

Failure,

Unworthy?

None of that is you.

You're just here being.

Okay,

Does that make sense?

So maybe if you see that now,

You're going to feel a lot of relief and lose your anger.

But in order for this to have a lasting impact on your life and in order for you to never feel this type of anger again,

You have to be willing to question the good.

So put differently,

If when people compliment you,

You feel good,

Then when people insult you,

You will feel bad.

Because they're two sides of the same coin.

When someone compliments you and they say you are attractive,

If you believe them,

What you've done there,

If you said others' words are true.

So you feel pleasure.

But if you're saying others' words are true,

Then when they say something negative,

You'll believe it and feel bad.

Or have anger in order to avoid that feeling.

So as long as you believe compliments,

You believe insults.

Because both of them are just,

I believe their opinion to be real and true.

So it may seem like you really want to feel the pleasure of compliments and appreciation and love,

But all it does is perpetuate anxiety about others' opinions.

Because if you get happy when someone gives you love,

Appreciation,

Compliment,

Then you're going to hope you get it and be worried that you don't get it.

And if somebody insulting you or treating you without respect or whatever seems to make you upset,

Well then you're going to want to avoid that and not make that happen.

So you'll have anxiety.

You'll have anger when it happens or hurt or sadness.

And it's just not freedom.

You live in a prison where your happiness is determined based on how others treat you.

And that's no fun at all.

Do you see that?

As long as a positive opinion gives you pleasure,

A negative opinion will give you pain.

But both of them are based on the misunderstanding that others' opinions are real and true,

And they directly mean something about who you are.

So you can't have it,

You can't disbelieve others' negative opinions and say they're not real and true.

Oh,

But their positive opinions are real and true.

They're the same thing.

And you might say,

I really want to feel that pleasure though.

But if I told you that if you had ice cream and it gave you a feeling of pleasure,

But then every time you had ice cream,

It made you give you stomach pains for the next two weeks,

Would you want to eat ice cream?

No.

Right?

Because just because it gives you a moment of pleasure,

If you recognize that it also gives you a lot of pain,

It's not worth it for that pleasure.

So when you really see that the pleasure you get from a compliment or appreciation is perpetuating all your anger,

Sadness,

Hurt,

Worrying about others' opinions,

Trying to be somebody that others will like and put on a show or whatever,

Well then you'll see it's just not worth it.

It's not worth it for that little bit of pleasure.

Instead,

You get peace,

Freedom to do what you want,

Freedom to not be impacted.

Someone disrespects me and tells me I'm unworthy.

I'll say,

Okay,

Maybe I am.

I don't know.

I have no idea.

Where's worth?

Where does it exist?

If someone tells me I'm bad at my job,

I'm going to say,

Well,

Maybe I am.

Some people think it's good.

Some people think it's bad.

So I guess I'm neither.

It's just each person is impacted differently.

You see,

When you recognize that you're not bad or good,

You're just here,

Well then there's nothing to defend.

I'm just here.

You see that?

So just like we question the negatives when someone insults us,

Criticizes us or seems to criticize us,

We have to question the positive.

So now let me ask you the question.

What do you want them to think about you?

So whoever made you upset,

Whoever made you angry,

Seemingly,

Right,

Because they seemingly had a negative opinion about you,

Ask yourself,

What do I want them to think about me?

So for example,

They think I'm stupid.

What do I want them?

I want them to think I'm smart.

They think I'm unlovable.

I want them to think I'm lovable.

So now question the validity of that.

Is it true just because they think I'm smart?

Does that mean that I'm smart?

Just because they think I'm lovable,

Does that mean that I'm lovable?

Just because they think I'm attractive or interesting or cool,

Does that mean that I am?

No,

It doesn't.

Somebody else could think the opposite,

Right?

Just because they think you're cool,

Somebody else could think you're boring,

Just because they think you're smart,

Someone else could think you're stupid.

It's not true.

If they think a song is great or a movie is funny or a food is tasty,

It's not.

They just believe that but somebody else could think they have the opposite.

It's not real or true.

Or maybe you could even ask yourself,

Can I think of any reasons why the opposite is true?

I'm smart but can I think of any reasons why I'm stupid?

I know it seems ridiculous but you have to recognize that you're not actually good in order to recognize you're not bad.

You're just here.

Or maybe you can see it in a different way like,

I want them to think I'm smart but don't you sometimes do things that are seemingly stupid?

Or maybe I want them to think I'm lovable but sometimes they're going to love me and sometimes they're not.

Or sometimes they're going to think I'm smart and sometimes they're not.

So do I change?

Sometimes they think I'm funny,

Sometimes they think I'm boring.

So do I go from funny to boring,

Funny to boring?

Or am I just here all the time and sometimes seemingly funny things come out and sometimes seemingly boring things come out but none of that is who I am.

It's like saying now I'm a clapper,

Now I'm a waver.

I'm the same in the midst of both of those.

Neither one is who I am.

It's just actions that are occurring,

Words that are occurring.

So whatever we want others to think about us is just what we want to think about ourselves.

So we want somebody else to say you're smart and you're interesting and you're cool and you're attractive and you're lovable and you're charming and you're sweet or whatever in order to help convince ourselves I am good.

But as long as we need to use them to try to convince ourselves I am good,

We'll be completely at their mercy.

Always looking,

Evaluating what they think of us and hoping they don't think negative and if they do think negative we get sad or we get angry.

Much more freeing to recognize I'm not good,

I'm just here.

It's all just ideas that we're trying to convince ourselves but since it's in our head it never has enough to free us.

Because we don't know I'm good,

It's just a belief.

We have to be really clear on the difference between what we know and what we believe.

So I know I have a hand,

Right?

I believe that I don't actually believe but we would say I believe I am great,

I am worthy,

I am likable,

I am nice,

I am smart,

I am cool,

Any of those types of things.

They're not in the land of what we know,

They're only in the land of what we believe.

So when you know something to be true you don't need others to tell it to you.

I don't need anybody to tell me I have a hand.

I don't need anyone to reaffirm to me that I have a hand.

I don't need anyone to tell me that I have a shirt,

Right?

But don't you need somebody to tell you you're smart,

You're attractive,

You're cool,

You're whatever?

Because you don't know it,

You're only desperately trying to believe it.

The same goes for worry.

I don't have to worry about whether anybody thinks I have a hand.

I know I have one.

So it doesn't matter what anyone says.

If someone tells me I don't have a hand I'm not going to argue.

I don't need to defend it.

I know that I have a hand.

If I have to defend it that means I don't know it.

Do you see?

We don't have to defend what we know.

We only have to defend what we're desperately trying to believe.

So I never have to worry about whether someone thinks I have a hand.

Ever.

Because I know it to be true.

When you know something to be true others' opinions cannot affect it.

Doesn't matter how many people tell me I only have one hand.

Doesn't matter how many people tell me I'm not wearing a shirt.

It doesn't matter.

It can't affect me.

And I would never ever argue.

If someone tells me I'm not wearing a shirt what am I going to say?

I know it to be true.

I would never argue what I know.

The only time we would ever argue or try to defend is when we're confused between what we know and what we believe.

When you tell yourself I'm likable,

I'm cool,

I'm interesting,

I'm smart,

I'm funny,

I'm fun,

I'm worthy of love,

I'm a catch,

Or any of these things you don't actually know it to be true.

You're trying to believe it.

But since it's not known it feels fragile,

Weak,

Soft,

And insufficient.

We always walk through life with this sense of something missing,

Sense of insufficiency.

And it's fragile because it can be impacted by anything.

It doesn't matter how many years I go through life thinking I'm attractive.

If somebody doesn't look at me,

If someone rejects me,

Gone.

If I think I'm successful and I have one little failure,

Boom,

Gone.

Any of these things,

Any idea you have about yourself,

You think you're smart and the next person disagrees with what you say,

Boom,

There goes I'm smart.

Our idea of ourselves,

Since it's not real,

It's heavily impacted by others' opinions.

So if you're trying to think I'm attractive,

If nobody agrees and nobody compliments you and nobody looks at you,

It's going to be very hard to convince yourself that you're attractive.

If you think you're smart and everybody else thinks you're stupid and doesn't agree,

It's going to be very hard to convince yourself that you're smart.

Because you don't know it to be true.

You're just trying to believe it.

And you need others' backing in order to convince yourself that you're good.

So what you've done is you've placed,

Given the power of your happiness to others when you're trying to convince yourself that you're good.

This is why when someone views us as negative in some way,

Thinks we're stupid,

Boring,

Uninteresting,

Cool,

Unworthy,

Selfish,

Whatever,

Bad mother,

Then we try to defend us.

We try to convince them.

Because as long as they think we're bad in some way,

It's very hard to convince ourselves I am good.

So we need to convince them.

We need to show them,

Prove to them we're good.

Because if we convince them that we're good,

Then it's easier to convince ourselves that we're good.

Maybe they think we're right.

Maybe they think we're wrong.

But we can't really fully convince ourselves I am right unless we convince them that they are wrong.

As long as they think they are right and we are wrong,

It's hard to convince ourselves I am right.

So therefore we spend how much time trying to convince others to see it our way.

Because we think,

I know it's true.

They need to see it my way.

But if you knew it was true,

You wouldn't care what others think.

I don't care what others think I have a hand.

It doesn't matter because I know it to be true.

If you care what others think it means you don't know it.

You just believe it.

Looking at it differently,

What we're actually doing when we're getting angry is we're trying to defend this story in our head.

So we have an idea I am good in some way.

And we desperately want to defend that as if it's real,

As if it's who we are.

So when someone insults us or criticizes us,

It has the potential to worsen the story of who we are.

But since we think that story about who we are is who we are,

We defend it like we're defending our life,

Like we're defending our arm.

Like we think I am smart is like a part of us,

Like I have an arm.

And if we lose that it's losing a part of us,

It's worsening a part of us,

Diminishing us,

Weakening us.

Even though all it's doing is changing a thought,

Changing a story in our head.

So when we confuse the story of who we are to be who we are,

We need to defend it like we defend our life.

And that's why many times when people get angry,

They get angry to the point of,

You know,

So,

You know,

It's in their body and they could almost kill or hurt someone to defend just a story in their head.

Just defend I am attractive or I am cool or I am nice or I am good mom or I am unselfish,

Good person or I am right about my opinions.

And none of that is true.

None of that is real.

You're defending an idea,

Not defending a reality because reality doesn't need to be defended.

If someone tells me I'm bad in any way or I'm small or I'm weak,

I don't need to defend it because it's not it's either it's known or it's imaginary.

Anything that needs to be defended from an opinion never existed at all because an opinion can't affect reality.

It can only affect imagination.

You see that?

So when someone says you're stupid,

What are you defending?

You're defending I am smart.

I know what I'm talking about.

I am right.

That's what you're defending.

But that's there's nothing actually there.

Do you see?

You're just afraid of going from I am smart to I am stupid.

I am right to I am wrong.

I am knowledgeable to I am not.

But both of them are equally illusory,

Equally imaginary.

Neither of them are true.

If somebody tells you that you only have eight fingers,

You need to argue.

You only defend yourself because you know it to be true.

What that means is anytime you get defensive,

Anytime you get angry,

It's a sign it's telling you you're defending something that isn't real.

You're trying to convince yourself that you're great and you're so scared of losing that,

So scared of worsening that you perceive it as it's a threat to your actual existence,

A threat to your actual body.

Anger is just confusion that the story in our head is who we are and so we're so afraid of it worsening or dissolving.

Stop.

Who are you right now?

None of that is you.

None of that is who you are.

So what is the truth?

Who are you?

What is reality?

What is imagination?

Well,

Take a moment now and imagine a really big house.

Now take a moment to imagine a really small house.

Make sure you really picture them.

Close your eyes maybe.

Now tell me,

Which house is bigger?

The big one of course,

Right?

No,

Neither one is bigger.

Neither one has any volume or weight or width or height or anything.

They're both imaginary.

Now take a moment to imagine a hot coal,

Like that would be on a barbecue.

A hot coal simmering.

Now imagine an ice cube.

Which one is hotter?

Neither,

Because they're both imaginary.

Neither one is emitting any heat or coldness.

They're both imaginary.

Now imagine who you are.

Imagine your qualities.

Boring,

Smart,

Interesting,

Uninteresting,

Cool,

Likable,

Funny.

Where do they exist?

Both imaginary.

All imaginary.

So now think,

I am funny.

Picture yourself as I am funny.

Now picture yourself as I am boring.

Which one is more real?

Which one is funny?

Neither one is funny or boring,

Because they both don't exist in real life.

Picture I am right.

Now picture I am wrong.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Which one is more real?

Which one is more good?

Neither one is good.

Picture I am unworthy.

Picture I am worthy.

Which image is better?

Neither image is better,

Because there's no such thing as better.

It's imaginary.

So you spend your life trying to convince yourself that you're good when you're not.

Where are any of your qualities now?

You are here.

Where are your qualities?

You see,

The alternative to spending your life trying to convince yourself that you're good and worrying about others' opinions and getting angry when someone disagrees is to simply discover I am here now.

That's it.

Everything else is just an idea in my head.

You don't need to walk through life telling yourself an imaginary story all the time of who you are.

And let's be clear.

Everybody in the world does that,

Practically.

This is not a you problem.

Probably every single person you know does this to varying degrees.

But now you have an opportunity to change that,

To question that,

To discover what's real,

What's true,

Who am I,

What does their opinion mean about me?

What does it mean if I'm wrong?

Okay,

I'm wrong.

Now,

So I'm a clapper for the rest of my life?

No,

Wrong.

What does that have to do with who I am?

It's just a moment.

Does it make a difference,

Right or wrong?

Both are equally imaginary.

Neither one is better or worse.

I am right,

I am wrong.

Which is better?

They both exist in our imagination,

Like big house and small house.

Not who we are.

So when you try to convince someone that they're wrong,

You're trying to convince yourself you're right.

But you're not right.

And they're not wrong.

It's just neither one is right or wrong because right or wrong don't exist in reality.

We have no idea.

If you think a movie is good and they think the movie is bad,

Who's right?

Nobody.

You'll never win that.

You'll spend your life trying to convince yourself you're right and they're wrong.

Why would you do that?

It's just a game of suffering.

It doesn't matter how many times in a row you convince yourself you're good,

It will always be fragile and completely susceptible to being destroyed.

Right?

It doesn't matter how many years you think you're attractive,

Smart,

Successful.

It can go at any time because it's a story.

It's a story in your imagination.

So who are you?

Who are you right now?

Where are your qualities right now?

If you think you're great,

It's never going to be enough because it's not real.

It doesn't exist.

You don't know it to be true.

Allow yourself to just be here as you are.

There's nothing wrong with you here.

Because I don't know what the shape of wrong is.

I don't know what the size of wrong is.

The texture.

The color.

Where is it?

I don't know.

But there's also nothing good about you.

Because where's good?

Where's likable?

Where's nice?

It's not here.

But you are here.

And it's not here.

So it can't be you.

It's just a story.

Stop.

Let yourself just be here as you are.

Nothing to protect.

Nothing to maintain.

Nothing to improve.

Nothing that can worsen.

Just here.

All of that is an imaginary game.

It has nothing to do with this moment.

Okay?

Listen,

I know it seems crazy to give up on that game of trying to convince yourself that you're good.

I know it seems ridiculous to stop trying to develop confidence and think I'm amazing at everything that I do and I'm smart and I'm likable and all that stuff.

But look at your own experience.

Where has that got you?

You can't think you're great unless others agree.

In any way.

So therefore,

If you're pursuing confidence in thinking of yourself as good,

You're pursuing suffering because you'll always worry about others' opinions as long as you're trying to think you're good.

You'll always argue because if anyone disagrees,

You can't have that because then you can't convince yourself that you're good.

And you'll always have a susceptible,

You'll always have anxiety because you're susceptible to it worsening.

So allow yourself to just be open to the idea that convincing myself that I'm good is not the key to life and it's certainly not the key to peace and happiness because it results in suffering.

Stop.

Let yourself just be here as you are.

Nothing good about you.

Nothing bad about you.

So now to review this long video and what we spoke about,

Basically it's just anger is a cover up for the feeling of hurt.

Instead of letting our idea of ourselves worsen,

We just try to cover it up with anger to put our attention on to somebody else and how they're bad or try to convince them that we're not bad.

And so to get over that or to get past that or get through that,

We simply need to ask ourselves what did they do that made me angry and then ask ourselves what does that mean about me?

If they did that,

Well then they don't like me and that means I'm bad.

If they did that,

They think I'm stupid and that means I'm stupid.

And then question that.

Question whether their opinion is true.

Question whether just because they have a negative view of us that that means it's true.

And then question whether we think we have that negative view like I actually believe I'm stupid,

I actually believe I'm ugly,

I actually believe I'm a failure.

Question the validity of that and then question any positive.

Question the opposite.

So don't just question am I a failure?

No I'm not.

Question whether I'm a success.

Question whether I'm great,

Worthy,

Lovable.

So recognize that's not true either.

And then you have freedom.

Then you have peace.

Nothing can make you angry.

Nothing can cause anxiety when nothing means anything about who you are.

You see everything that impacts us is only because we think it's improving or worsening our idea of ourselves.

When you discover none of that is true,

None of it's real,

None of it is you,

Life changes quite drastically.

We're just left here enjoying this moment as it is no matter what's happening.

Okay so I know that was a long video.

If you made it this far,

Thank you for your patience.

Thank you for watching.

Thank you for your openness.

And please feel free to comment because if you have any questions I would love to answer it so that other people can see those answers.

And if you discovered what I spoke about in this video and you felt the relief or something along those lines or it helped you in some situation in your life,

Let me know and let others know.

So this way maybe if they're skeptical about it they can see the other comments and say oh maybe this does actually work.

So thanks again for watching and I'll see you around.

Bye.

Hello again.

If you found my video helpful or you enjoyed it,

I welcome you to click on one of the videos below as you might find them helpful as well.

Or if you want to make sure you never miss another video of mine again,

You can click the subscribe button over there and if you want my free ebook,

You're welcome to click the free ebook button over there.

So thanks again for watching and I'll see you around.

Bye.

Reviews

Such a wonderful change in perspective!! I think everyone can benefit from listening to this talk.

Thank you for your understandable explanation. I was going to say how good it was, but... It's just my opinion and understanding of the material you so eloquently put into words. Thanks again for your time. 💫

Great insight and information. Maybe changing my thoughts and perspectives as you’ve pointed out will be what finally helps me get unstuck 🙏🏻 Thank you, this was very helpful.

Inspiring and eye opening - thank you for this video

This talk has given me an awareness of how I’ve allowed others to tell me who I am. I have believed so many opinions of others. But now I will take a moment to remind myself that any opinion someone has about me doesn’t need to matter to me. I don’t need to invest in the opinions of others, good or bad. I don’t want to identify myself based on what someone says about me. I need to listen to this again and take notes. I believe I am ready to not look to others for approval. And i can question what someone says to me that is negative. Opinions are nothing to my reality. I will hear them, and I will recognize them for what they are; words in the air. Thank you for your talks. I’m learning so much about how to live life with less pain and more peace.

This was awesome! Covers a topic that I just spoke about in my therapy session. Wondering what age is appropriate to start shifting how kids have been molded…maybe high school?

Amazing

Thanks for all the examples illustrating, what I believe and would summarize as, " We're not good nor bad. We just ARE". And also "Stop attaching to and identifying with what you DO. Cuz that ain't who you are either !" 💛💜

The title is misleading because it’s about so much more! Thank you Noah. I can’t believe how much I learned about human nature & emotions in such a short time. Everyone should hear this! I think it may have changed my life for good.

Life changing video

Noah: Well done! (Not that you would care what anyone else thinks! Lol. I appreciate the concepts and plan to try them out. You asked for questions. Here’s one. What about “rampant relativism”? Neil 😀☯️

Very rad. THANK YOU

There good talk. Lard a lot about a guy that I did not know but also glad talk to release it. Thank you for the good work keep it up please.

Thank you 🙏