How To Stop Fantasizing Or Obsessing About Someone Instantly

Do you want to stop fantasizing or obsessing about a past lover, current lover, or potential lover? This talk will guide you through exercises to stop thinking about them. You can stop fantasizing or obsessing instantly, as soon as you address the underlying cause of why you keep thinking about them.

Please note: This track may include some explicit language.

Transcript

Hello,

I'm Noah Elkrief,

And in today's video,

I'm going to help you to stop fantasizing about someone or obsessing about someone.

So if you keep thinking about the same person over and over again,

Either because they made you happy in the past,

Or you like them so much,

Or you're so excited about them,

Or you wish they could make you happy in the future,

Or for some reason you just can't stop thinking about them because they're so great,

Or so interesting,

Or so something,

Then this video could probably help you out a lot.

I'm going to be guiding you through some exercises and explanations,

And it's important that if anything feels like it might be too intense for you,

Don't do it.

Honor and respect your own comfort,

Your own feelings,

Your own boundaries.

So I invite you to close your eyes and think about the person.

Think about them in the most beautiful of ways.

Think about the facial expressions you like.

Think about what you want from them.

Maybe you want to cuddle.

Maybe you want them to look at you with adoring eyes.

Maybe you want a sweet smile.

Maybe you want them to hold you with strength.

Maybe you want their presence.

Maybe you want to hold hands.

Maybe you want to watch them talking.

I want you to imagine this person in the best possible way,

In the way that makes you feel so good,

Or the way you like it so much,

And notice how it makes you feel.

What do you feel inside?

Do you feel warm inside?

Do you feel safe?

Do you feel happy?

Do you feel giddy?

What do you feel?

Notice what it is that you want from them.

Whenever we keep thinking about someone over and over again,

It's not because we like them.

It's not because we love them.

It's not because they're important.

It's because they give us something we're desperately craving.

Put differently,

They help us get away from something we desperately don't want to feel.

So the amount of time and energy you spend thinking about someone is not a reflection or an indication of how much you like them,

Love them,

Or how special they are.

It's an indication of how much you're longing for a particular feeling,

To experience a particular feeling,

Or to get away from a particular feeling.

So notice what it is that you feel when they do this nice thing,

When they look this nice way,

When they touch you in this nice way,

When they are this amazing way that they can be.

And ask yourself,

How bad do I like this feeling?

How much do I love this feeling?

And then ask yourself,

Is there any other way that I can get it?

Or are they the only possible one who can give it to me?

Because generally,

When we keep thinking about someone over and over and over again,

It's because we unconsciously or consciously believe they're the only one who can give me the good feeling.

Nobody else can give it to me.

It certainly can't come from within myself.

So see if you can recognize that.

I'll ask the question again.

Is there any other way to get this nice feeling that feels attainable here and now?

And notice what you feel inside.

Notice how much you want it from that person,

That that's the only one.

There's no other way,

Or no other easy way.

And notice what happens to you when you notice that.

But differently,

Recognize what your experience is in your body when you acknowledge they are the only possible way to get the good feeling that I want.

That's a very disempowering place to be.

It's a very weak victim place to be.

Because I want that good feeling,

And they're the only one who can give it to me.

Then all of a sudden,

We're like a drug addict looking for our high from them.

All of a sudden,

We're powerless.

I can't get the good feeling in myself.

So I need to get it from them.

Now all of a sudden,

We're using them.

They're basically our drug dealer.

That's not love.

That's not respect.

That's using another person as a tool to give us a nice feeling.

And if we actually like them or love them or care about them,

Then we don't want to treat another human being like that.

We don't want to use another human being in order to give us a nice feeling.

If we do,

Right?

Even if.

.

.

So when we're using someone or hoping that someone will give us a nice feeling,

At the very best,

They give it to us sometimes.

But even if we marry them,

Even if we live with them,

There's still going to be plenty of moments when they don't give it to us because we're at work,

They're with friends,

They're in a bad mood,

Whatever the case may be.

And so if we're looking for them to give us good feelings,

Then we're constantly going to be resentful or frustrated when they don't give us the good feelings.

When they're not in that happy mood,

When they're not in that cuddly mood.

So it results in a lot of battles,

A lot of frustration,

A lot of controlling,

Manipulation to try to get our person to be how we want them to be so we can feel how we want to feel.

None of that is nice,

Kind,

Relaxing,

Or empowering.

And of course,

Most of the time that we're fantasizing about someone,

Obsessing about someone,

They don't give us what we want,

Which leaves us feeling sad,

Helpless,

Disempowered,

And wasting and draining a lot of our energy thinking about them over and over again.

It's a huge energy drain when you're constantly thinking about someone.

It takes you away from the beauty of the present moment.

It takes you away from connecting with whatever is here and now,

Or working,

Or whatever it is that you want to be doing.

You recognize some of that stuff?

So therefore,

How do we get out of this silly cycle,

This pattern of giving all our power away,

Thinking about someone else,

Fantasizing about someone else?

And before I go into the exercise to actually come out of it,

I want to point out this often happens in relationships when we're thinking about whether to be with them or not.

Do I want to be with them?

Do I not want to be with them?

Like if we're thinking about breaking up,

Or thinking about entering a new relationship,

Do I want to?

Do I not want to?

So this obsessing can be also obsessing about the question of whether I want to be with them or not.

So keeping that in mind,

Let's connect back with our feelings.

You can close your eyes and connect again with that feeling of them giving you whatever it is that you want.

They smile at you in a nice way.

They hold you in a nice way.

They listen to you in a nice way.

They see you in a nice way.

Whatever it is that you deeply long for,

Notice what you feel like in your body and just acknowledge that.

I really like this feeling.

I feel safe,

Whole,

Not alone,

Relaxed,

At ease,

Love,

Connection,

Closeness,

Intimacy.

Check in with yourself about what it is that you feel.

And then,

Imagine they take it away from you.

They leave,

They shift their energy,

They get angry,

They get disappointed,

They start talking to someone else.

Imagine you lose it,

Or they say,

I don't want to be with you.

Imagine you lose it and notice what that feels like inside.

What happens within you?

Do you feel alone?

Do you feel lacking?

Do you feel isolated?

Do you feel unsafe?

Do you feel worthless?

What do you feel when they leave or when they shift their energy?

That's the feeling you're trying to run away from and that's the feeling we need to meet head on so you don't go looking outside of yourself to run away from your own feelings.

Just become aware of that feeling inside,

Of what happens when they leave or stop acting in the way that makes you feel good.

They stop liking you,

Seeing you,

Hearing you,

Smiling at you,

Holding you.

And if it's already feeling quite strong,

Stick with that.

And if it's not strong,

I want you to try to exacerbate it by imagining it getting further.

Like that person disappears and you'll never see them again.

Or that person says,

I don't want to talk to you ever again.

Imagine the scenario that helps it really come up.

That feeling that you're trying to get away from.

And notice where you feel it in your body.

This pain,

This thing,

I don't want to go there.

I don't want to feel that.

Is it in your chest?

Is it in your belly?

Notice where it's located.

Notice how big it feels.

Does it feel like a tennis ball,

More like a soccer ball?

Does it feel more like a solid or a gas or a liquid or a fog?

Does it feel hot like fire,

More neutral or cold?

Become aware of this energy.

Maybe it's scary.

Maybe you've been avoiding it forever.

Maybe you just really don't like it.

But in this moment,

The question is,

Do I want to spend my whole life running away from this feeling,

Searching for someone else to use so I never have to feel it?

Or do I want to freaking meet this feeling head on and deal with it?

A few minutes of courage could save you a lot of wasted energy the rest of your life.

So in this moment,

We're going to talk to that energy in our body,

To that emotion in our body.

Tell this emotional energy,

Do whatever you want to do with me.

Do whatever you want to do.

I'm tired of running from you.

I'm tired of pushing you down.

I'm tired of trying to get away from you.

I want to see what happens if I let you do anything you want.

What happens if I let you do anything you want to do with me?

Get bigger,

Get smaller,

Go left,

Go right,

Heat up,

Spread out.

Whatever you want to do,

Do it.

I can't keep running from you.

I can't keep avoiding you.

Maybe you want to come out through tears.

Maybe you want to explode.

I don't want to run away anymore.

And if it's too scary to allow yourself to feel it or let it do what it wants,

Imagine some beings coming in to support you.

Maybe some friends.

Imagine maybe some pets that you have,

Some cats or dogs.

Or imagine being in a forest and some trees holding you.

Or whatever animal would be really nice to hold you.

Maybe a koala or an elephant.

And let yourself just be held.

Imagine yourself being held to be able to feel safe enough to feel this.

I feel all alone.

I feel sad.

I feel like nobody loves me.

Let yourself express it.

Maybe it needs to come out through words.

Why doesn't anyone love me?

Why doesn't anyone care about me?

And don't look for an answer to the why.

You just need to express the pain of the why.

I feel alone.

Where's my daddy?

Why isn't mommy here?

I need someone to hold me.

And if it feels like there's a lot to express,

Just keep allowing it.

Keep allowing it through whining or moaning or crying or just energetically.

Maybe it just needs to expand or move around.

And maybe it feels like that energy doesn't even belong to you.

That maybe you inherited it from your mom or your dad.

And you don't need to carry this pain anymore.

So ask yourself,

Does my mom also have this?

Does my father also have this?

Intuitively check in.

Not from your memory.

Not from what they've told you they feel.

But just intuitively,

Does mom have this?

Do I feel she has this same feeling?

Does dad have this?

Do I feel like he feels the same?

If he wasn't with mom,

If he wasn't,

If he was by himself.

And if you can sense that one of them has it,

Invite yourself to look at them in the eye,

Imagine them in front of you,

And tell them,

I don't want to carry your pain anymore.

If it doesn't help you,

Which it doesn't,

If it doesn't help you,

I don't want to carry your pain.

I don't want to carry it.

I want to connect with you through love,

Mom or dad.

I don't want to connect with you through shared pain.

I don't want to carry your loneliness.

I don't want to carry your belief that life is only meaningful if a man or woman is in front of me.

I don't want to carry your belief and perspective that I'm worthless if I don't have a lover.

I don't want to carry your belief or feeling that I can't be happy when I'm alone.

And imagine that you can just take it out,

Like with your hand,

Like you can just go in with your hand to wherever this energy is,

In your chest,

In your belly,

In your solar plexus.

And you can just take it out and throw it in the river,

Throw it in a fire,

Throw it in the wind,

And let it just dissolve or flow away.

You don't need to carry this anymore if it's not yours.

You need to hold on to it.

Take a moment and try that out.

And then,

See how your body's feeling.

Connect with that story again.

So imagine this person who you're obsessing about.

Feel it again.

Imagine them holding you in that perfect way or smiling at you in that perfect way or talking in that perfect way or listening in that perfect way or giving you that perfect facial expression.

See how good it feels inside and notice if there's a difference,

If it feels more good or less good,

If it feels more important or perhaps less important,

Less powerful.

And then acknowledge to yourself,

I don't want to be a disempowered victim drug addict that looks to this person to give me good feelings.

I want to live with the good feelings that I can find within me and live with it instead of trying to get like pennies on the dollar scraps here and there when they're in a good enough mood and like me enough and everything stars align for them to give me the good feeling.

I don't want to use them for it.

I don't want to spend my life searching and seeking and looking instead of just feeling what I want.

So imagine that person now does the opposite.

They give you the opposite facial expression,

Speak the opposite words.

If the words were,

I love you,

You're so great,

And I say I don't care about you and I don't want you in my life.

If you just want their presence,

Imagine they leave.

They leave the state,

They leave the country,

You'll never see them again,

They tell you.

Really go to the extreme with it if you can handle it.

The more extreme you can go to it,

The more of the buried wounding we're going to be able to dissolve,

Heal,

Alleviate.

So try to bring up whatever that pain is,

That worthlessness,

That loneliness,

That lack,

That deep desperation.

I'm desperate,

I can't do it alone.

Go to whatever it is that feels the most horrible and then ask yourself,

How old do I feel when I feel this?

Because these feelings almost always start in our infancy.

Of course,

It can be difficult to connect to that time.

So just ask yourself,

Do I feel like a baby in this desperateness,

In this loneliness,

In this worthlessness?

Mommy,

Love me and then I can finally feel okay.

Daddy,

Hold me.

Then I can finally feel safe and relaxed.

These are all the feelings of infants and toddlers,

But we're all in grown-up bodies,

Adults still operating from the emotional wounding and needs of a little baby.

We're all little children in how we're looking to somebody else to complete me and fill me up and make me feel safe and lovable.

So check in with yourself.

How old do I feel in this disempowered way,

In this unsafety,

In this loneliness,

In this lack?

Do I feel like a six-year-old who just wants daddy to hold me and tell me he loves me?

Do I feel like a three-year-old and I just want mommy to be sweet and soft and kind instead of cold and harsh?

How old do I feel?

And when you connect to that,

Notice that the part of you that's obsessing and fantasizing is a child.

It's not the grown-up you.

It's not even the 18-year-old you,

However old you are.

It's just the little child who needs mom or dad to give love and presence and touch and protection so you can feel safe,

Whole,

Lovable,

Relaxed enough.

So now that we connect to that,

That I feel like a child in this,

Right,

Needy.

We need to be able to meet the needs for our own inner child.

We need to give them what they didn't get from mom or dad.

We need to self-source that.

As a child,

We have no chance to self-source it.

We need it from outside.

The beautiful thing about being an adult compared to being a child is that we can feel a lot more strength and solidness and power and freedom when we finally re-parent ourselves,

When we give ourselves the qualities that our mother and father couldn't give us.

So I want you to look at that little you,

However old you feel you are,

That three-year-old,

That six-year-old,

That baby,

And I want you to look at them either from the third-person perspective and you're the grown-up approaching them,

Or be the little child and see the grown-up you approaching them.

And look at them in their pain,

In their desperation,

In their loneliness,

And just love them in it.

Don't try to fix it.

Don't try to solve it.

Give them what they need.

Tell them,

I see you,

I hear you,

I'm here for you.

You can express anything you need to me.

Tell me how lonely you feel.

Tell me how upset you are.

Why doesn't she love me?

Why doesn't she hold me?

I feel all alone.

Why doesn't he tell me nice things?

Why is he always mean?

Why is he so distant?

Why is he so cold?

I feel alone.

I feel like it must be my fault.

I'm doing something wrong.

I'm not enough.

And don't correct this little child.

Don't try to change their views.

Just listen.

I'm here for you.

I care.

And then,

Give them what they need.

Give them what they're longing for.

Give them softness.

Give them hugs.

Tell them,

I love you.

You're the greatest thing in the world.

Tell them,

I see your beauty.

I care.

I'm listening.

Whatever they need from you,

Whether they need to be heard or seen or complimented or hugged or held their hands or lie down next to them or take them to sit in the grass or in the forest,

Give them what they need.

Give them that energetic quality they're longing for from this other person,

Whether it's that softness or that aliveness,

Whether it's that presence or that protector,

Whether it's that closeness or truly seeing them.

Give that little you what they are longing for from that person you're fantasizing about.

And if you can't give it to yourself,

Imagine an animal giving it to you.

Ask yourself,

What is the quality I need so desperately as that three-year-old,

Six-year-old or how it kind of feels here and now?

What animal can give that to me?

Maybe it's a wolf.

It's just going to be soft and sweet to me.

Maybe it's a lion I need,

Just a masculine lion.

And think about the sex too,

Whether it's male or female.

I need a fucking male lion there to just be next to me or three of them so I feel safe and held like I'm not alone in this world.

Maybe I need a bird like an eagle to just be on my shoulder.

I need that clarity and that sharpness here with me.

Maybe I need my childhood Labrador or cat to just give me sweetness and softness like I don't need to do anything to get it.

It is the key thing here.

I want to be with an animal who just gives me what I need without me needing to do anything in return.

I don't need to love them.

I don't need to do good.

I don't need to get a good grade.

I don't need to be impressive.

I don't need to be happy.

All the things we needed to be to earn moments of the good stuff with mom or dad or our childhood crushes.

I want to be in the presence of someone who just gives me everything I need without needing to do anything for it or to maintain it.

So that might be the adult you giving it to that little you and it might be imagining different animals giving it to you and explore that.

How does it feel if an elephant is there and I'm just leaning on its leg or it's lying down and I'm like lying on its belly?

How does it feel when the golden retriever is just looking at me face to face like and loves me so much?

How does it feel when the kitten is in my arms?

Try different animals or maybe you need to think of characters from movies or history.

Imagine a saint.

Imagine a.

.

.

I don't know.

There was one point where I really needed like Merlin or Gandalf energy,

You know,

Or Guinevere or like an elf,

You know,

Sometimes maybe some mystical creature or character that you once read about or saw in a movie is exactly what you need or maybe it's something like a plant or a tree or the leaves or moss or grass or the sea or the sand or fire.

Let yourself in.

Give yourself the chance now to invite in whatever element or quality or spirit or being can give you what you need here and now and that is always readily available to you.

Because if we look outside to a man or woman that we're fantasizing about,

They can never fill us up.

Even if they give us what we want over and over again for years,

It never fills us up at all.

But if we insource this,

When we're going directly towards our wounding and giving that younger us what they needed,

We actually have cumulative impact.

We can fill ourselves up so this is done.

We just feel enough or whole or safe or solid or connected or loved.

So explore giving yourself that and when you feel you have the presence of some wonderful being there with you,

Just receive,

Just receive,

Just receive and ask for what you want.

Hold me like this.

Say these words to me.

Tell me I'm awesome.

Tell me I'm fun.

Tell me you love being with me even if I don't do anything good.

Tell me you love me when I'm sad.

Hold my hand.

Hold my leg.

Cuddle me from behind.

Cuddle me from the front.

Give me what I need,

Please.

Or tell me it's safe to express myself,

That I can just scream,

That I can just yell,

Fuck,

Why,

Why,

Why,

Why?

I hate them.

Why don't they do it?

Why are they nice?

Why are they so cold?

Why are they so distant?

Why did they leave me?

Allow whatever wants to come through.

Keep in mind at any point you can also just,

If it feels like it's an energy that doesn't need to stay,

You can just take it out.

Take it out.

Take it out.

Throw it in the fire.

Throw it in the river.

Throw it in the wind.

Let the animal sort of like suck it in and recycle it.

Anything is possible in your imagination.

Explore.

And then when that feels like it's starting to rest and relax,

Come back to that same story again of the person you're fantasizing about.

Imagine them in their perfect way,

When they're talking to you in the perfect way,

Loving you in the perfect way,

Seeing you in the perfect way,

Touching you in the perfect way,

And see how it feels now,

If it feels less powerful or less important or less of a big deal or if it feels the same level of importance or more.

And just notice,

I want to find this feeling within me so that then I can enjoy this person.

If I feel like it as equals without using them,

Which is the opposite of love,

I want to just meet this person and love them and see them for who they are instead of seeing them as my drug that makes me feel good or gets me away from my loneliness,

Lack or unworthiness,

Which isn't kind.

And then imagine them leaving again,

Leaving either physically telling you,

I don't want to be with you,

Or walking out the door and saying I'm gone forever,

Or just telling you I don't like you,

Or being cold or distant or harsh towards you,

And let that hit whatever comes up in you.

Let that hit that loneliness and that unworthiness.

This is the good stuff.

When you allow that loneliness and unworthiness to be hit,

To bring up to the surface,

That is the doorway to your freedom.

That is the doorway to aliveness and joy and love and connection and healthy relationship.

It's not meant to be run from and avoided,

It's meant to be brought to the surface,

Dealt with,

Healed,

Alleviated,

Loved,

Taken care of.

You don't need to be afraid of those feelings.

Everybody has that abandonment wound,

The loneliness,

The unworthiness,

All of it.

It's time to meet it head on,

To take care of ourselves so that our relationships can be more filled with love and less needy and using,

Which just drains us,

Disempowers us,

And doesn't really feel good.

So I'm curious how you feel now,

We're at the end of our time here,

What do you notice in your experience?

Do you notice it feels less important?

Do you notice there's less power in your fantasizing,

Or it's the same?

If it's the same,

It's possible that you didn't,

Either there are more pieces,

Or you didn't sort of get to the right piece.

Like maybe you were thinking it's loneliness,

But it might be unworthiness.

Maybe you were thinking it's worthlessness,

But it's actually unsafety.

So it's about exploring and intuitively sensing,

What is it I'm trying to get away from?

What am I afraid to feel if that person doesn't give me what I want?

What am I hoping they can save me from?

What is the feeling I desperately don't want to feel and I hope they can alleviate it,

That they are the cure for?

When you find what it is you're running from,

That's how to end your fantasizing and obsessing.

That's how to get your freedom back.

Okay,

That's all I have to say.

I turned off my air conditioner so that it wasn't loud when I'm making this video,

But I'm sweating like crazy.

I hope I didn't distract you too much.

So thank you so much for watching.

And please let me know in the comments if you found this supportive,

Or if you're curious about something,

How to deal with something that came up for you.

And if this was helpful,

You can share it with others,

Subscribe,

And check in the description for one-on-one sessions,

And I have some online courses you can check out.

So have a beautiful day.

I really hope it helped.

Reviews

Wow. I have so much to say but can’t put into words right now. This talk was bang on. I may have to listen to this again and again. Thank you 😊

This is just on point. It leads you to understand the roots so you can create healthy relationships.

Most importantly, you mend the broken pieces that drag you to that state of mind.

Instant is a little bit strong, you may have to replay a few times maybe.

Created some reflection I had not considered.

🤍

Everyone needs to hear this, feel this, heal this. At one point my feeling of abandonment entangled with love were so intense I thought I might get sick, as terrible as that is, that feeling has been riding around with me a very long time and I will continue to hold it with love and acceptance until it has fully resolved. Thank you Noah

Good exercise

Spot on. I can relate to almost every word you said Noah. Listening to you has helped me to put my distorted emotions into perspective. Very helpful. Thank you. 😘

I have listened to this on repeat more times than I can count since last Wednesday. I promise it’s not because I’ve switched objects of obsession, though! 😛 I keep listening to it because 1) your message resonated and I feel seen - maybe too seen. Sometimes I forget that I am only human, but it helps to have another human say or put words to something I experience but don’t talk about. When I don’t talk about it, it’s very easy to believe that I’m alone in my experience, or that I’m “bad,” etc. 2) I need to explore the questions that you pose and the emotions you identify. (The latter, btw, has been super helpful to me. Remembering that there’s an infinite rainbow of emotions instead of the 2-5 that I can recognize in myself is something I need to do more consciously.) 3) I almost want to memorize your words so I can share it with friends and family that can’t access your audio…and so I can mentally replay it to myself on-demand. I have to say that, while I did search for something on this very specific topic, I think the exercise through which you guide the listener can be applied to so many other areas of life. For example, Maybe it’s not a person we’re fixated on, but it might be an activity, a concern, an experience, etc.

Thank you for sharing your insights and guidance. I know I’m going to listen to it again (and again and…) and I’ll probably look for some of your other stuff, too. 🙏

I opened up and felt heard and seen

excellent. I've been obsessed with a man for 4 years now and I've known that I need to feel some feelings, but I didn't know how to go there until I listened to this. I'm still crying, I have a feeling there's many layers here but I feel relief and I think if I do this a couple more times I'll feel even more relief! thank you so so much!

This was so perfect for what I needed today!

Wasn’t where I thought it was going to go but it really makes sense. Lots to think about now. Thank you very much. I’m grateful for this perspective. 🙏🏼

Super useful! I feel way better and empowered! I’m realizing even when the person would make me feel good, it wasn’t that great cuz I knew they had control over me and I was scared of losing the good feelings. I knew I was relating to them in an unhealthy way and wouldn’t be able to form a genuine friendship with them when I’m like this. I’m realizing that I’m not even being my true self in this state where I’m trying to please them. Might have to go back to this sometime. Only complaint is that the gulping set off my misophonia so that was a bit distracting

Amazing 🥲

This was frighteningly spot on, with solid recommendations on how to persevere over these big feelings that I didn't completely understand.

Some of these feelings have been handed down. There has been much loss the past few years, and now my emotions are swirling about with no proper way to deal with them. Thank you for helping me, and sharing your wisdom with all of us 🙏 ❤️

Honest and helpful

I can resonates with this and it is helpful . Thanks

Thank you for this practice❤️ very deep way of looking at why it feels so bad when we don’t feel loved by the one we love. I grew up with the most nurturing parents from childhood until today, but I think my insecurities stem from past relationships and not feeling seen by those I “saw”. 💔 This practice helped me visualize and feel what I need to do to prepare myself when I come face to face with the person who truly broke my heart 7 months ago. Thank you🙏☀️

Thank you! This was great. Super helpful. I definitely feel better. I really like the way you speak to me. 💖🕊️🌈🥰

So relative and helpful. I'm also hoping to use it with managing grief, which albeit is more complex. I'm struggling after the death of a loved one who suffered a long time w: several consecutive illnesse but who was extremely loving & benevolent, my younger sister. Maybe this tool can be enhanced to cover grief as a loss we obsess about.