How To See New Romantic Partners More Clearly

Do you have a pattern of choosing romantic partners that end up being different than you thought they were? This talk will help you to see new romantic partners more clearly, so that you don't keep making the same mistakes. It will guide you through exercises to have less blind spots and incorrect projections about new romantic partners.

Transcript

Hello,

I'm Noah Elkrief and today I'm gonna show you how to see new romantic partners more clearly.

So what do I mean by that?

Basically,

It is very very common that when we meet someone new that we can project that they're so amazing,

They're so wonderful,

They're perfect for us,

They're great in every way.

And this can last days or weeks or even months before we realize they're not perfect in every way.

Before we realize they're not the right fit for us.

Before we realize they're mean or disrespectful or they don't treat us the way we deserve or any of these types of things.

And it can be a painful process when we keep entering into relationships or dating or whatever the case may be and we have such high hopes for it,

High expectations of it,

Thinking they're so great.

And then when it turns out that they're not right for us,

It can be really sad,

Disappointing,

And it can be hurtful.

Either hurtful for ourselves because they didn't treat us the way that we deserve or it can be hurtful for them when we tell them we don't want to be with them.

So this video is meant to make that process much simpler and easier that earlier on,

Maybe from the beginning or maybe after a few days,

You can see way way more clearly who the person is in front of you.

How they are,

What they are.

So I'm going to share with you three different ways to or three different sort of exercises and tactics to help you unravel the reasons why you're not seeing people clearly,

Particularly romantic interests clearly.

And while it's the the intention behind this video is to help you for new partners,

New relationships,

If you're already in a relationship,

This can absolutely help you as well to see your partner more clearly.

Yeah,

So let's go ahead and do it.

So the first reason why we can't see our partner clearly is because we cannot see our mother or father clearly.

So any blind spots you have in seeing your mother will be a blind spot you have in seeing the truth and the qualities of a girlfriend.

Any blind spots you have in seeing your father will be a blind spot you have in seeing men,

Boyfriends,

Husbands,

Dating,

Romantic interests.

Because what happens is if you don't really know your mother,

If you think your mother is super kind but actually she's quite mean and disrespectful,

This blind spot of not seeing her truth will then transform or be sort of transposed into a projection of a woman in front of you thinking they're so kind but actually they're quite unkind in a different way.

So what I invite you to do now is to close your eyes and I want you to look at,

If you're interested in men,

Look at your father.

If you're interested in women romantically,

Look at your mother.

And I want you to try to see them as clearly as you can,

Not as a mother,

But as a human,

As a woman,

As a man,

Or as a wife and as a husband.

Your mother is a wife.

Your mother is a woman,

Not just a mother.

And I want you to really see her qualities that aren't ideal.

Or your father.

And really see their qualities.

So,

For example,

How do they relate to their emotions?

Do they take responsibility for their emotions or do they blame it on others?

How do they relate to their emotions?

Do they hide from them and suppress them or are they able to express them?

How do they relate to specific emotions?

How do they relate to loneliness?

Can they acknowledge it,

Feel it,

Heal it?

Or do they look for someone else to comfort them,

To get away from it?

How do they relate to intimacy and closeness?

Are they someone who allows people in close or do they push people away?

Are they open-hearted or are they shut down from all the trauma and pain from a lifetime of not nice experiences?

And I'm doing this quite quickly.

It may be too quick,

But you can pause the video if you need to.

It can be painful to see the non-ideal qualities,

The painful qualities in our parents.

And this resistance to seeing these painful qualities in our parents is a blind spot.

If you don't want to see it unconsciously,

You don't want to see these not ideal qualities in our parents,

Then unconsciously you're incentivized to not see them in romantic partners,

To pretend they don't exist.

So,

Consider the types of qualities you want in a romantic partner or the themes of qualities that you've had in romantic partners that you don't like,

That have surprised you,

That were unexpected.

And then look at your mother or father,

Whoever the gender you're more romantically interested in,

And really ask yourself,

Do they have this quality?

Is my father reliable?

Not just as a father,

But as a husband.

Was he reliable?

Was he emotionally present?

Was he stable?

Was he distant?

Was he avoidant?

How was he?

How is he with his wife,

With his girlfriends in the past?

How is he within himself?

Your mother,

Is she able to take responsibility for emotions?

Is she always in victim?

Is she always in empowerment,

But hiding from victim?

Really explore and take time with this after the video or if you pause the video to really explore deeply as you can who your mother is and how she is in every way and your father.

And you might need to talk to them and ask them questions about how they were when they were younger.

You might need to talk with your mother about how your father treated her.

It's about really getting to know them as deeply as possible in the ways that we don't want to know them.

It's very tempting to just view our parents as wonderful or I love them or they're great or something like this.

But as long as we're not willing to see the shitty,

Painful,

Not nice qualities in our parents,

It's gonna be a blind spot in how you see romantic interests.

And it might also be that you think I hate my parents and they're terrible,

But you don't really see the specifics of how they treated each other.

How they treat themselves,

How they relate to emotion,

How they relate to tasks.

Is he lazy,

Your father?

Is your mother always being productive and can't rest or relax?

Exploring how they relate to everything it is about being a human being.

Because if you aren't willing or aren't capable of seeing the truth about your parents,

How can you see the truth about a romantic partner in front of you?

You've known your parents for however many years,

So imagine how then difficult.

If you can't see them clearly and you've been around them for so long,

Imagine then how hard it is to see a romantic interest clearly when you just met them or just went on a few dates.

The more clearly you see your parent,

The more clearly you see your romantic partner.

So do this on your own and explore.

The second thing is also about incentives.

Everything is about incentives.

So if we are incentivized,

How do I say this?

I'll just give you the example.

So if I really really want to be married and I think it's the greatest thing in the world,

Okay,

Then when I meet someone I'm hoping that they can be marriage material.

And so I'm incentivized to want to believe they're amazing because that's what will make me feel good.

Or if I feel lonely and I view a romantic partner as the cure for my loneliness,

Then I'm incentivized to view them as amazing.

You get what I mean?

So if I meet someone new and I start to feel a connection or a chemistry or some sort of romantic element,

In that moment if I see them clearly and realize they're not right for me,

Then that means I have to go back to my loneliness,

Go back to the sadness that I have no one to marry,

Go back to my fear that I'll never find someone.

So I'm incentivized to actually believe that they're amazing and wonderful because that's the possibility that will get me away from pain.

So the stronger it is that you're looking for someone to use to get you away from pain,

The more blind spots you're gonna have.

I'll say that again slightly differently.

The more you're trying to avoid the pain of being single,

The more you're incentivized to believe the person in front of you is amazing and right for you.

So the question is,

Why do you want a romantic partner?

What do you hope it will give you emotionally?

So I just named two things.

They'll make me feel,

Let's say,

Not lonely.

So they'll make me feel connected,

Close.

That's nice,

Beautiful.

But what are you afraid to feel if you don't get it?

Lonely,

Isolated.

Well you've got to work on that and heal that because that's creating blind spots.

The more afraid you are to feel lonely in being single,

The more you're gonna not see the person in front of you clearly because you're hoping they can get you away from the pain of being single.

Or maybe you really want marriage and children.

Well let's break those two up.

Let's say you really want to be married.

Beautiful,

No problem.

But what are you afraid to feel if you don't get married?

Your fear of that pain is what's incentivizing you to believe that a man or a woman in front of you is more amazing and perfect for you than they are.

So you have to feel the pain.

Imagine never getting married.

Imagine that nobody ever wants to marry you and you never find anyone that you want to marry.

And go there.

Feel the sadness of that.

The pain of that.

The failure of that.

And let that move through you.

I have other videos that can help with that sort of thing.

So that you're not avoiding that pain which causes you to want to desperately believe they're amazing,

The person in front of you.

Alright or maybe the one for me that was quite strong was I really want someone to love me.

I really want to feel loved.

So my mother wasn't able to give me the the type of love that I needed or not enough of it.

And so there's a part of me of my inner child that was looking for women to love me.

To give me love.

I love you and give me these googly eyes so that I can feel like I'm enough.

Right?

So then it would be that's incentivizing me to use a woman to get away from my pain.

So the question if I really want someone to love me,

Then the question is what am I afraid to feel if I never get someone to love me?

Or if I don't get someone to love me now?

Or if I leave the person who does love me right now?

I'm afraid to feel worthless.

I'm afraid to feel unseen.

I'm afraid to feel totally and utterly unlovable.

And like a worthless piece of ****.

Okay,

Feel that.

Let that move through you.

Yeah,

Or I want to be in a relationship to prove to everyone that I'm not a failure and I'm not a reject and I'm not broken.

Okay,

Feel that.

The more strong it is that you want to avoid the pain of being single,

The more likely it is you're gonna have all sorts of unclarity and blind spots and seeing the romantic interest in front of you.

So put differently,

The less you're trying to use the person,

The more you can truly see them for who they are and how they are.

Okay,

Next one.

So the last one is about blind spots in yourself.

So anytime you're unable to acknowledge something about yourself,

It's much more likely you're not able to not going to be able to acknowledge that in someone in front of you.

So can I if I can't acknowledge that I feel like a victim.

So maybe I'm always running around,

I'm empowered,

I can do it,

Whatever.

But I'm suppressing and not acknowledging that a part of me feels like a failure and that I can't do it.

So when someone's in front of you and they seem like they've got their **** together and they're they're,

You know,

Powerful and successful and they can do everything,

You're not going to be able to see if that they're hiding this sort of victim worthless inadequate feeling if you can't see it in yourself.

There's a chance you can see it in others and not in yourself.

But if you can't see it in yourself,

It's going to be much harder to see it in others,

Right?

What they're hiding from you,

What they're pretending particularly.

Yeah,

So you might and so in this in this example,

What I would ask you to do is to maybe close your eyes and ask yourself,

What are some themes of why you've had to leave romantic partners in the past?

Or some themes about qualities of romantic partners that you didn't like and then ask yourself really honestly and it can be super confronting which is why we don't want to see it.

Do I have that quality in me?

So maybe the other person is always emotionally avoidant and you think you're really emotionally mature and whatever.

But really ask yourself,

Am I avoiding my pain?

Am I avoiding my emotions?

Maybe even I'm involved in healing and self-help but am I doing it because I hate my emotions?

Or am I doing it out of love for myself and kindness for myself?

Or maybe if they're emotionally avoidant of me,

Like they don't want to,

My partners never want to listen to my emotions,

Am I caring about other people's emotions?

Am I able to listen to their emotions or do I always try to fix it or get away from it because it's too uncomfortable for me?

Yeah,

Or maybe your partners are scared of intimacy or they keep avoiding in that way and ask yourself,

Am I really ready for intimacy?

Or am I scared of it?

Am I scared of intimacy that I might lose myself?

Am I scared of the possible abandonment if I get into intimacy?

Yeah,

Or maybe you have a theme of partners ghosting you and not getting back to you and you think I would never do that.

Maybe you would never do it but do you have a theme within yourself of avoiding difficult conversations?

Difficulty saying no.

So the more clearly you are able to see yourself,

So anytime there's someone else doing something in front of you and you didn't see it,

Right,

Like it took you a while to see it,

It's possible that it's because you couldn't see that in yourself.

Maybe they have depression and you didn't see it because you won't acknowledge your depression.

Not that you are depressed but that there's depression energy inside of you like sad energy,

Lonely energy.

Yeah,

So anything that you're not able to be honest with in yourself is going to create blind spots about how you see others.

So if you have a theme of thinking someone's amazing and wonderful in every way and then they keep,

They keep,

Then later on you realize this pattern keeps happening or this behavior keeps happening,

You can ask yourself,

Is there anything similar that I'm doing within myself,

Towards myself,

Towards others or anything like that?

And it doesn't mean that that's the case.

Could be that they're emotionally avoidant and you're not at all,

Right?

It could be that you didn't notice their,

Their,

Let's see,

What's a good one?

That they can't take responsibility for their emotions and keep blaming you but it's possible you never do that.

Yeah,

But this is just a possibility that's creating blind spots.

Yeah,

So with all that being said,

It's very,

Very tricky not to project onto others who they are and what they are and to not hope that they're gonna be so special and amazing and perfect and the right fit for us.

It's very,

Very tricky and because it's tricky,

We want to acknowledge that when I meet someone,

It feels amazing to not form conclusions,

To not decide that they're the best for me and I'll be with them forever or we're gonna be this or they're so,

To not form conclusions about the future,

To not form conclusions about who they are but just staying present with it.

It feels really good to be with them right now and then we take it step by step.

I don't know if they're,

You know,

Open and loving and take responsibility and,

You know,

Fun and all the things that I'm looking for.

I don't know and to just stay in that realm of I don't know,

To not form conclusions because we need a lot of,

You know,

The more experiences we have with the person,

The more that we can understand who they are and how they are,

Right?

So,

It's one thing,

You know,

If we go on a date and go to a waterfall and how it feels to be with them in this type of environment and it's another thing,

How do they deal with me when I'm in pain?

How do they deal with the situation when I don't agree with them?

How do they deal with it when they want to do something and I don't want to do it?

So,

We need to experience other people also in different environments,

In different situations to understand who they are better and how they are.

So,

If you form a conclusion that they're amazing or perfect or perfect for you or gonna be your long-term partner or whatever the case may be,

If you form a conclusion,

What happens is now you're incentivized to keep that conclusion as true because otherwise you were wrong,

You failed again,

You were naive,

Whatever.

So,

Once you form a conclusion,

You're gonna try to keep that as correct,

To try to hold on to your conclusion instead of letting it go more simply and easily.

So,

If I see someone and we go on a few dates,

I think they're the greatest ever,

Then there's a part of me that wants to keep that,

That doesn't want to feel the disappointment and doesn't want to think I'm wrong.

So,

If they do things I don't like,

I might unconsciously gloss over it or pretend it didn't happen.

Whereas,

If I'm just staying in the realm of I don't know and curiosity,

I'm like,

How are they?

And,

Oh,

They did this and I didn't really like that and that didn't feel so good to me and it's more light and then it's easier to see them clearly and easier to end it if that's what's needed or to bring it up and talk about it or whatever the case may be.

Yeah,

So I hope this helps in your dating life,

In your relationship if you're already in one.

And,

Yeah,

If you know other people who keep seeing romantic partners unclearly,

You can share this with them and please share with me in the comments what your experience was with this and what your experience has been in dating and not seeing people how they are.

So,

Yeah,

I hope this was valuable for you moving forward and have a beautiful day.

Bye.

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