Finally Forgive Yourself - The Missing Link

Have you been trying to forgive yourself, but nothing seems to work? This talk will guide you through a powerful exercise to lighten your guilt, shame, & self-blame... so that you can finally forgive yourself.

Transcript

Hello,

I'm Noah Elkrief and in this video I want to give you a new tactic to help you to forgive yourself.

So,

In order to help you,

We want to first pick something that's going on in your life which you want to forgive yourself for.

So,

This could be something you did that hurt someone else,

Something you didn't do that hurt someone else,

Like someone wanted you to do something and you didn't do it.

It could be a decision you made that hurt your own life,

Engaging in habits that hurt you,

Not doing something that would have been good for you,

Something productive,

Something helpful.

You can pick anything that that is alive in you,

Anything that's been impacting you,

Causing you guilt or shame or unworthiness.

And once you pick what's going on for you,

I want you to notice the stories that show up in your head.

I'm bad,

I'm an idiot,

I messed up,

Everything I do is wrong,

I hurt them,

I cause them pain.

Notice the stories,

Notice the beliefs,

Notice the thoughts that come up to cause this pain,

Guilt,

Self-blame,

How much it hurts you to tell yourself those stories.

Notice how much you don't like those stories,

How painful they are.

And notice that no matter how much you try to get rid of them,

They don't go away.

Sometimes,

If you've already tried to forgive yourself using many different methods,

You might find nothing works.

Sometimes we can try so many different things to forgive ourselves,

To lose our guilt,

To lose our shame,

But nothing works.

And one of the reasons why many tactics don't work is because we secretly,

Unconsciously want to keep our guilt.

We want to keep that self-blame and shame.

And as long as there's a part of you that really wants to keep your guilt,

Keep your shame,

No matter what tactic you do to try to lose it,

There's a part holding on,

Sabotaging any attempt to lose it.

Yeah,

Blocking any capacity to lose it.

So what do I mean by that?

Well,

For example,

If you feel guilt and self-blame and shame for not engaging in some productive habit,

When you tell yourself,

I'm bad,

I'm no good,

There's a part of you that thinks that that motivates you to do better.

Yeah,

So if you were to lose that shame and guilt,

You might not improve.

So unconsciously you want to keep your shame and guilt because you think it motivates you to improve.

Yeah,

Or maybe you hurt someone and you're telling yourself,

I'm a terrible person,

I'm no good,

And of course a part of you wants to lose that,

It's painful.

But a part of you might want to keep it because you think,

I deserve this pain.

I would be even more pain if I were to lose it.

Or this pain helps me to ensure that it never happens again because I never want to feel this pain again.

And because I have this potential punishment,

I'm going to try so hard to not hurt someone again because I don't want to feel this pain.

So actually hold on to the pain to try to make sure you never do it again so you don't have to feel more pain.

You understand what I mean?

So it can be really tricky to try to lose or heal or lighten our guilt and shame because there's many sneaky tactics,

You know,

Unconsciously for why we want to keep them.

And today that's what I'm going to help you with.

So in order to help you with that,

We're going to try to do a little bit of dialogue or engagement.

Even though I don't actually see you and we're not going back and forth,

We're going to try our best.

So I want you to take a moment again to think about the issue that you want help with,

The subject of your guilt or shame or self-blame.

And once again,

I want you to notice those stories.

I'm bad.

I'm no good.

And I want you to write them down.

But instead of writing them down in I-form,

I'm bad,

I'm no good,

I want you to write them down in you form.

So it's like this voice is saying,

You're terrible,

You're stupid,

You messed up again,

You know,

You're worthless,

You hurt someone,

You cause someone pain.

So write those down in you form on a piece of paper or in your phone or your computer,

Whatever works.

And take a moment to pause this video so you can complete that.

You can pause.

And once you're done with that,

You can unpause and we'll move on.

So now you have a list of all these statements.

You are this,

You are that,

That are really harsh,

Really mean.

And so let's imagine that the one who's saying it,

Let's give them a name,

The one who's saying it.

Yeah,

Bob,

Joe,

Icarus,

I don't know,

Any name you want to give that part.

The one who is speaking to you harshly.

And when you notice that,

When you notice that there's this part speaking to you so harsh,

You might immediately hate that part.

Like,

Why are you speaking to me so mean?

I hate you for speaking to me so mean.

Get out of my head.

But I'm here to sort of offer a radical possibility.

And that is that even though this voice is mean and harsh,

That it's actually trying to help you.

It's actually trying to support you in a very convoluted way,

Perhaps.

And I want you to check for yourself if you can find that that's true for you.

So in a moment I'll ask you to pause the video again.

But first,

Here's the question to ask yourself.

Or maybe ask that part.

And that is,

What are you trying to get me to do or not do?

So this part that's saying you're terrible,

You're worthless,

You're stupid,

You always make bad choices.

What are you trying to get me to do or not do?

For example,

It might be trying to help you to work harder.

It might be trying to help you to make better choices.

It might be trying to help you never be mean to someone again.

So take a moment now to pause this video and write down.

Ask yourself that question or ask this other person,

Joe,

Icarus,

Whatever.

What are you trying to help me do or not do?

So pause the video.

Ask yourself that question and write down the answer.

And when you're ready,

We'll unpause and you can see me again.

And just notice,

Huh,

Maybe this part's trying to help me.

If you could discover that.

It's trying to help me in some way.

It's trying to help me do something or not do something.

Trying to help me to act better or not act in the bad ways.

So maybe you notice,

You start noticing a softening towards this part.

That maybe it's not horrible in the enemy.

Maybe it's just trying to help and is using a sort of painful tactic.

See if you can notice a softening in your relationship to the harsh voice.

Which leads us to the next question.

We're gonna ask that part.

What are you afraid will happen if you stop being mean?

What are you afraid will happen if you stop being mean?

So for example,

Or maybe I'll phrase that even more detailed.

What are you afraid will happen if you stop getting me to do what you think you're helping me to do?

So for example,

If you stop being harsh towards me,

What are you afraid will happen?

So like use the answers to the last questions.

That if I'm,

If you stop being mean to me,

Maybe I'll be more harsh.

And if I'm more harsh to others,

Then they'll stop loving me.

So you're really scared that people will stop loving you.

Or maybe are you scared that if you stop being harsh,

I won't do my work and then I'll fail and be poor.

Maybe you're scared that I won't be productive and then I'll be unhealthy.

Or and then I'll be a failure and then my mom will hate me.

Or my dad will be disappointed in me.

Those are some examples.

So we're sort of asking this harsh voice.

What are you scared will happen to me if you stop being harsh?

What's the worst-case scenario?

And once again,

You can pause the video and write down the answer.

And take some time to feel into the answer.

And now we're back.

How was that for you?

Can you sense that that part is afraid?

That part is afraid.

It doesn't want to be hurt.

Maybe it doesn't want someone else to leave him.

It doesn't want someone else to be mean to her.

It doesn't want to be a failure.

It doesn't want to be poor.

It doesn't want to be unhealthy.

It doesn't want something.

It's scared.

So it's trying so hard to avoid that terrible outcome.

That painful outcome.

Are you starting to get a sense of it?

Are you starting to notice even more softening in your relationship to this part that's harsh towards you?

So now that we notice that there's this other part that's being harsh,

Which is painful,

We notice they're trying to help us.

They're scared of something happening.

But the next question is,

Is there a more effective and enjoyable way to achieve the outcome we want than what's currently being employed?

Do you understand what I mean?

So let's say that this part is trying to make sure that you work hard to avoid the pain of being a failure.

Yeah,

I understand that one.

So the way that it's trying to achieve that outcome is to be mean to you.

You're worthless.

You're lazy.

You're terrible.

But is that really effective and is that really enjoyable?

It's not so effective and it's not so enjoyable.

Is there another approach that's at least as effective and more enjoyable?

For example,

Maybe it would be more effective and enjoyable to explore the cause of your laziness or procrastination or avoidance.

Like,

Why?

Let's explore why we're avoiding things.

Why we're lazy.

Why we don't do the productive things.

And maybe we can unravel the beliefs and the buried emotions and the programming that's in the way.

And if we address the cause,

Then we don't have to motivate ourselves through harshness.

Instead,

We can just naturally have motivation to do the things we want to do.

Yeah?

Or for example,

If you were mean to someone,

If you yelled at someone,

If you did something disrespectful to someone else,

That voice,

That part of you,

Is being mean to you to try to make sure you never do it again.

Because it's painful to hurt someone.

It's painful to lose someone.

It's painful for someone to be mad at you.

Those are all really painful.

We don't want that pain.

That part doesn't want that pain.

But is there a more effective and enjoyable strategy than just telling you you're terrible,

You're mean,

You're a horrible person?

Well,

Maybe we can explore why you did what you did.

Why did you do that disrespectful thing?

Why?

What happened?

What emotion were you experiencing at the time?

What beliefs were in you at the time?

How can we unravel those,

Heal those,

Deprogram those,

So that you just naturally wouldn't do that again?

That would be much more effective and much more enjoyable.

So take a moment now to explore within yourself,

Can I find a more effective and enjoyable strategy for how to achieve the results I want?

Whether it's acting in a better way,

Not acting in that bad way anymore.

How can I achieve that result in a way that doesn't involve this part needing to be harsh all the time?

Usually it's some sort of self-inquiry,

Self-healing process needs to happen.

And you can pause the video and explore that for a moment.

And now we're back.

So if you sense that you've come up with some sort of more effective strategy,

It doesn't necessarily mean you've implemented it and executed it already,

But you have a strategy that you think is more effective and enjoyable than the one that's currently being imposed on you by this sort of mean part or helping part in a sort of mean way,

Then it's time for you to speak to that part and let them know.

So the conversation might go something like,

Hey,

I know you're trying to help me.

You're trying to help me too.

So we're having a conversation with this part that's harsh that maybe you named before.

And it might look like,

Hey,

I know you're really scared of XYZ happening.

And I know you're really trying to help me make sure I never do ABC again,

But it's really hurting me.

It really feels painful every time you speak to me like that.

And I know you're trying to help me avoid pain,

But you're causing me pain by speaking to me like this.

And I have an alternative approach,

Another possible strategy that could be more effective at us avoiding this terrible scenario and bad actions and can be enjoyable along the way because you don't have to be so mean and harsh and tough all the time.

Here's what the strategy is.

Here's what the tactic is.

Let me explain it to you.

And then see how that part responds.

Like,

Oh,

That's relaxing.

I guess there is another way.

There's another way to stop doing that bad thing or start doing that good thing more.

I guess there's another way to avoid the pain of someone being mean to us,

Mommy hating us,

Dad abandoning us,

Being poor,

Being unhealthy.

I guess there's another way.

See if the part responds soft.

Like,

Yeah,

I guess I guess that could work.

Or if it responds harsh,

Like,

No,

I don't trust you.

That will never work.

And explore that dialogue to see if you can comfort that part.

I mean,

It's not like trying to get rid of that part,

But more trying to help them understand that maybe there's another way.

And maybe we can give it a try.

So if that part responds with resistance,

No,

I need to keep being harsh towards you.

That's the only way.

Maybe we can have an experimental phase where we try something different and see if it works.

That you can relax.

And if it doesn't work,

You can come back in any time.

So maybe take a break.

Take a nap.

So you can pause for a little while and see if you can have that dialogue explaining to this harsh part how you might find a better,

How you might have already found a more effective and enjoyable strategy to stop acting in a certain so-called bad way or act more in a so-called good way to avoid the pain that you both want to avoid.

So you can pause now.

And now that you're back,

How did it go?

What did you notice?

Was it nice?

Was the part responsive?

Did that part understand?

And the last thing we're going to do here is we're going to invite that harsh part to take on a different role.

And we can try asking that part,

What role would you like to play?

What would you like to do instead?

If you didn't have to be on me all the time.

You're bad.

You're no good.

You're worthless.

You make mistakes.

You're always wrong.

If you didn't have to do that all the time,

What would you rather do?

Would you rather be relaxing by the pool?

If it's like,

If it feels like there's a sort of physical quality to it,

Like it's a rock or it's hard,

Would you rather soften?

Would you rather be a gas or a gel?

If it's an armor or a sword,

Would it rather be a flower?

What would it rather do?

What form would it rather take?

While acknowledging and sort of speaking to this part,

You can always change back.

If you feel I'm not doing a good job with my new tactic,

You can just come back.

No problem.

This isn't like a final deal.

If you accept this deal,

You have to forever change form and be kinder and nicer and softer and change forms.

No,

You can change back if you want.

If I'm not doing an effective job at acting in the good way or not acting in the bad way to avoid the pain of some response from someone else or some bad thing happening to my life,

You can come back in and try your strategy again.

But I want to try my strategy for a little while and I want to give you the chance to relax and maybe support me instead of being mean and harsh.

Maybe you can be some wind behind my back supporting me to move forward.

Maybe you can comfort me in my shoulders instead of tightening them.

Maybe you can be a cheerleader on the side saying you can do it instead of telling me you're terrible for not doing it.

Let's explore a role you can play that works for both of us.

So I invite you to pause the video and see if you can come to some agreement of some shift in form for this harsh helping part.

And now we're back.

I'm not there with you so I don't know what happened but I really hope it helped.

I really hope it helped.

So thank you for watching this video.

Please let me know in the comments what's happening for you if you have any questions.

And feel free to like and share this if you think it could be valuable for others.

And if you want more help for forgiving yourself for dealing with guilt and shame,

I have a course forgive yourself to love yourself that goes into many different tactics for dealing with different forms of guilt,

Shame and self blame that can be extremely helpful for you so that you can feel kinder towards yourself.

So the voice in your head is softer and nicer.

So you can feel more confident,

More free to be your natural authentic self.

So if that feels like something you're looking for and would like support with,

You can find the link somewhere around here in the description in the comments all over.

So thanks again for watching and I really hope it was supportive for you and please let me know.